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Porn again By Peter Nicholson I'VE DONE A pretty good job of avoiding spam e-mail. Not too many messages for Viagra, the Diet Patch, or 19-year-old one-legged farm boys and the German shepherds who love them. But this year saw all my efforts fail in the face of the new plague: deep house porn. "Deep ... Sexy ... Sophisticated ... Sensual ... Erotic ... Exclusive ... Seductive." Is this house music or key words of Cosmo headlines? Almost every day these e-mails arrive, each touting a "unique" experience while using exactly the same vocabulary as all the others. But the real hook is the pictures. Every e-mail blast has pictures of drunk and sweaty girls doing their best to look like the model in a Bebe poster. Follow these e-mails' links at your own peril, as you'll be sucked into a hilarious world where Vegas showgirl wannabes and Hollywood hopefuls drink away their day jobs as ad execs while striped-shirted DJs pout from behind the turntables where they spin the latest "San Francisco sound." Just check this sample from JonathanS.F.com's blurb for an upcoming Boudoir party (names changed to protect the asinine): "You will never look at Solid the same as Jonathan gives his trademark sexy signature to the space with an all-new look, feel, sound, and experience. The Boudoir is an all-new seductive experience where Solid is magically transformed into a private bedroom filled with beds, pillows, candles, sexy lighting, and erotic visuals. Combine these elements with Jonathan's sexy, sophisticated music and his drop-dead gorgeous crowd and you have what has become the hottest, most unique party in all of San Francisco." Now, I'm not trying to pick on DJ Jonathan – if he's able to make a living having his picture taken with suspiciously breasty women and gets to play a few records in the process, well, more power to him. But damn, fool – I'm about the beats, not the teats. Get that shit out of my inbox! This year I even got an e-mail inviting me to yet another "exclusive party of deep and sexy grooves." This one featured Playboy Playmates and was at a freaking golf course! House music – what's happened to you, girlfriend? When did you join a sorority and get a fake tan and the tits to go with it? What's up with going to the gym before the club? And what the fuck is that fluorescent blue cocktail you're drinking?! Thank god there are plenty of places to avoid this bullshit, where the only VIP room is a bathroom stall and bottle service means you brought your own. Forget the sexy sound of San Francisco – let's hear it for the horny, sleazy, freaky sounds of the city. Never mind the chill room and downtempo – get your drink on at the Tunnel Top to some Browntempo. You want soulful grooves, get thee to the Church of the Endup on Sundays at Devotion. And if you insist on dancing with six-foot-tall blonds in spike heels with fake tits, at least go to Trannyshack! But one of the best things about San Francisco is the chance to have it both ways. Say you're a house head but a bit squeamish about the affordability and convenience of Club Six, where you can go dancing, then score a hooker, a solid, and a hotel room – all for under $75. Or you dig some grit in your grind but are too dainty for a party at Rx Gallery, just because it's on Eddy at Mason, where cops and crackheads are more common than clubbers. There's still hope for house on reassuring 11th Street. Remedy at the DNA Lounge can swing both ways, with a soothing number of frat boys and some dangerous beats. The crowd is mainly up for the safely predictable, funky house sounds of Mark Farina and Julius Papp, but sometimes they get it straight, no chaser, from the likes of Iz and Patrick Wilson. The other night they even got a set from Lance Desardi and JT Donaldson, who are responsible for this year's best homegrown mix CD, San Francisco Sessions 5 (Om) Donaldson, who, like Desardi, landed in S.F. after escaping Texas, does the deck duties on the first disc of the two-disc release and is easily head and shoulders above most house DJs. Donaldson has some solid productions under his belt, and his own "Trust Me" is one of the more direct cuts in his mix. But the real business happens when Desardi takes control. Then the freaks come out: the acid burble of Cajmere's "Midnight," the industrial screech of Grey Love's "Nurse," the moody lurch of DJ Gregory's "Land 2" – this is raw, nasty house music. You couldn't take this mix home to Mom – you want to keep it in a cage under your bed. It's not jacking off to the Playboy Channel after a hard day at the office – it's a world-class blow job in Ringold Alley as the sun rises over SoMa. If all the junk e-mails about the sexy, sophisticated, boring S.F. house sound have got you down, put San Francisco Sessions 5 in your pipe and smoke it. Then turn off the computer and head down to one of the city's fine drinking establishments like Lit or Nickie's BBQ, where you may not be able to get a bottle of the latest designer vodka but you just might hear some banging tunes. Ten unsung heroes for 2004, in no particular order 1. Troubleman, 'Strike Hard,' Time out of Mind (Far Out Recordings) Sure, it was moving floors on CD-R a year ago, but this 9:39 of strutting Afrobeat brilliance is still guaranteed to get them up off the wall. 2. Trevor Loveys, "Feel the Horns," Intastella (Freerange) This track is so simple – chopped and filtered horn sample, huge 4/4 bass drum, and not much else – but it gets me every time. Disco time. 3. Âme Âme, 'Hydrolic Dog' (Sonar Kollektiv) Creating sleek, sexy electro à la Metro Area with a darker tint, Âme make elegantly devastating house music. 4. GB, 'Black Monolith Featuring Ricci Rucker,' Soundtrack for Sunrise (Sound in Color) This 21-year-old producer and multi-instrumentalist pairs up with turntablist Rucker for an ominous, abstract hip-hop monster. 5. Siji, 'Running Away,' God-given (BBE/Rapster) Call it nu, neo, or neu soul – when you figure it out, I'll still be swaying along to this Nigerian expat's simply beautiful voice and understated grooves. 6. Kerrier District, 'Yesco,' Kerrier District (Rephlex) Amen Andrews, Wagon Christ – Luke Vibert trots out a new alias for this silly-fun collection of Italo-tinged disco. 7. DJ Mitsu the Beats, 'Right Here Featuring Dwele,' New Awakening (Jazzy Sport) A sax loop from heaven + Philly soul singer Dwele bringing honey + Japan's best beat maker = dreamy hip-hop heaven! 8. I:Cube, 'Vacuum Jackers (Maurice Fulton Mix),' Versatile mix tape (Versatile) Even on one of the year's most inventive mixes, this cut of stripped-down electro funk from the man behind Mu is in a class of its own. 9. Pantytec, 'Alabaster,' Superlongevity 3 (Perlon) With ping-pong echoes, hiccups, and a sub-bass that induces movement, Perlon founders Zip and Sammy Dee throw house down a deep well of micro-samples. 10. John Beltran, 'Candela,' In Full Color (Ubiquity) Peripatetic producer Beltran heads to Viejo San Juan, Puerto Rico, where he hooks up with the percussionists from Local 12 for a sublime bit of bomba via Detroit. |
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