By Nate Denver

THE SAN FRANCISCO sound to me is best defined by Numbers, Burmese, Coachwhips, Crack: We Are Rock, J.T. the Bigga Figga, Deerhoof, NAM, and Total Shutdown. There are many other bands that could and should be in that list, but those are the ones that stand out to me. I moved to S.F. from Colorado in '99, and a few months later Total Shutdown were filling my heart with joy. My fondest memories are of playing at Kimo's before they boarded up the windows, playing at the Clit Stop, and dancing around with a bunch of strangers who have since become my friends. Don't sleep on Total Shutdown – we recently recorded three bone-powdering tunes at New Improved Studios.

Strange attractors

A few months ago I woke up to a female ghost trying to suck my soul out of my mouth. She was beautiful and managed to paralyze my body and dismantle my voice. It took everything I had to scream, and when I did, she calmly floated away. That's no joke, and it was the first kiss I'd had in a while, so it wasn't all bad. Possibly the ghost is still in the house and will attempt to suck my friend Aaron's soul out. If she succeeds, and she's able take on the attributes of the souls she sucks, she'll be one hilarious and generous ghost.

Foxes live in San Francisco. I've seen them. Val saw them too.

Got game

If you thought you saw me having lunch with the Archbishop Don Magic Juan in Beverly Hills yesterday, you thought right. Game recognize game. I'm here to tell you that the man is a gentleman and that he puts sugar on everything he eats: meat loaf, mashed potatoes, spaghetti, even Frosted Flakes. He's never tasted chicken or seafood and has no idea what those foods taste like. Chuuurch!

Walk down to Market Street and check out the triangle kiosks housing beautiful posters painted by San Francisco artist Jason Jagel, then go buy MF Doom's latest masterpiece, MM ... Food (Rhymesayers), which features art by Jagel.

Blood of my blood

This was a big year for Bay Area hip-hop. San Quinn, E-40, Andre Nickatina, the Federation, and the Done Deal Family have been killin' it. Go dumb! But some of the Bay's strongest MCs are conspicuously absent from the recent Bay boom. Where's Saafir, where are the Coup, and when will Del and Casual make the Smash Brothers album? There's a new Slayer DVD on which they play Reign in Blood from start to finish and get drenched in blood. See if you can pick out the Public Enemy sample. Then listen to Lil' Jon's new album, which features several Slayer samples. Who would win in a rumble: OG Norwegian Black Metal Killers or Modern Day Rap Killers? Who cares?

Young Buck allegedly jammed a knife in a guy's side at the Vibe Awards to defend Dr. Dre. Young Buck's album just came out, and his record label is probably delighted that he allegedly stabbed this guy – you can't buy promotion like that. We're all sick.

In the past two months I've seen kids shoot at other kids on two occasions (once in the Mission District and once in Echo Park in Los Angeles). If you want to shoot someone so badly, join the military; they're giving thousands of soldiers that opportunity every day and paying them for it. Keep your bullets away from our brains. I'm tough like an elephant tusk, but unfortunately I'm not bulletproof, as far as I know. (Huge holiday love and season's greetings to our brave soldiers overseas. Talk all you want about why we should or shouldn't be in Iraq, but don't criticize our troops – they need and deserve our love and support.)

White noise

Haven't heard Eminem's new album yet. Not really a fan, but the guy always has tons of well-constructed songs with interesting and inventive rhymes. Why do white MCs' voices sound so stupid? With the exception of R.A. the Rugged Man and very few others, they sound like real jerks. That's why I'll never make a rap album, but if anyone ever wants to challenge me to a freestyle battle, just set the time and send me a ticket. I can't guarantee victory, but I will guarantee that I won't get knocked out. I'll be wearing my thinking cap and my knockout-proof vest.

Finally, 2004 is almost over, so we can delicately slide a blade into its awful heart and send it on its way. Good riddance. Who knows what 2005 will bring? Only God, and he doesn't exist, so no one. Wait, God, if you exist, may you cause the earth to open and swallow whomever is reading this sentence as proof. A vulgar display of power you say? Stop quoting The Exorcist.