Offies 2004
Presenting our annual Off-Guard Awards for the most stupid, silly, and bizarre acts and events of 2004.

By Tim Redmond

IT'S BEEN A banner year in the Offies League. The level of national political discourse has risen to "shove it," "fuck off," and "girlie men." The mayor's wife described the size of his genitals at a public event. The governor discussed his (lack of a) sex life with reporters. The president asked on live TV if anybody might "need some wood." Martha Stewart compared herself to Nelson Mandela.

It's a good thing we don't have to make this stuff up.

Here, in the spirit of ending a year that we almost wish had never begun, are our annual Off-Guard Awards, celebrating the bad and the worse of 2004.

On the other hand, if we were weighing egos, we'd talk about which person insisted on helping Bush get elected president

Ralph Nader told the Washington Post that Michael Moore was too fat.

For once the president tells the truth

President George W. Bush announced that his administration "will never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people."

Something, for example, like a poll showing Kerry pulling way ahead

Homeland security chief Tom Ridge explored the possibility of postponing the November election in the event of a "large scale" terrorist attack.

Give them a break, Gov: Your average politician just doesn't have access to copious amounts of anabolic steroids

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger called state legislators opposing his budget "girlie men."

A man who gives new meaning to the name Dick

Former Los Angeles mayor Richard Riordan met a six-year-old at a political event, and after she told him that her name, Isis, was that of an Egyptian goddess, he told that that she was wrong and that it actually meant "dirty, stupid girl."

Of course, the Democrats have been able to demonstrate their own brand of political maturity

Theresa Kerry, wife of Sen. John Kerry, told the editorial page editor of the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review to "shove it."

Or, in the case of an administration of chicken hawks, you send other kids to war with the army you have

When a soldier in Iraq asked Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld why there weren't enough armored vehicles to keep the troops safe, Rumsfeld replied, "You have to go to war with the army you have, not the army you want."

Uh-oh – don't let the governor of California hear about this one

Secretary of State Colin Powell put on a hard hat and sang the Village People song "YMCA" at the close of a security meeting in Indonesia.

But it hardly matters: 30 years later, Bush was perfectly sober when he screwed up the Middle East

Newly disclosed records showed that at the height of the 1973 Arab-Israeli War, President Richard Nixon was too drunk to come to the phone and talk to the British prime minister.

And the nice thing about that is they won't need a warm place to sleep at night

Mayor Gavin Newsom said he wanted to "replace the homeless people on Van Ness Avenue with statues."

It's good that didn't happen – he might have wanted to extend her contract

Former San Francisco Unified School District general counsel Louise Renne charged that a measure aimed at allowing immigrants to vote might let Osama bin Laden participate in a San Francisco school board election.

Yes, and the rich and the poor can both sleep under bridges

S.F. supervisorial candidate Rose Tsai said she doesn't think her opposition to same-sex marriage represents an abridgment of gay people's civil rights, because "they can still marry people of the opposite sex."

Who would Jesus mow down with a high-powered assault rifle?

Televangelist Jerry Falwell said the United States should "blow [all the terrorists] away in the name of the Lord."

Gee, maybe he should rename it the Richard Nixon Memorial Prize for notable conduct in a time of war

Bush announced he was giving the Medal of Freedom, the nation's highest civilian honor, to retired general Tommy Franks (who oversaw the invasion of Iraq), former Central Intelligence Agency director George Tenet (who misled Congress by alleging that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction), and Paul Bremer (who bungled the initial occupation).

Perhaps immediate retirement on a nice little disability pension would be the best solution

California Secretary of State Kevin Shelley told the Sacramento Bee that the reason he has such a problem with anger management is that he still has chronic neck pain from a 1986 diving accident.

More examples of the profound, looming threat to the security of the United States

A military official announced that few of the prisoners captured in Afghanistan were the hardened terrorists the Bush administration had been hunting. "It became obvious to us as we reviewed the evidence that in many cases we had simply gotten the slowest guys on the battlefield," Lt. Col. Thomas S. Berg told the New York Times. "We literally found guys who had been shot in the butt."

Damn – and they weren't even shot in the butt

After two men who described themselves as operatives of a group called "Al Pieda" hit conservative columnist Ann Coulter with custard cream pies at the University of Arizona, Coulter declared the incident "an act of terrorism."

A new adventure from the storied world of rum, buggery, and the lash

The British Navy formally recognized its first registered Satanist, who will be allowed to perform Satanic rituals on board his ship.

More positive proof that network TV is retaining its high journalistic standards

While awaiting the action at the opening of the Clinton Presidential Library, MSNBC's Chris Matthews told viewers, "Boy, that Tipper Gore is a good-looking woman. I'm sorry, I'd like to offer that commentary."

If you don't want to play by my rules, I'm just going to take my ball and go home

Financier and garage-builder Warren Hellman announced that if a judge wouldn't let him finish his underground parking structure in Golden Gate Park, he would move the popular blues festival he produces to Oakland.

The road to the White House could get a bit bumpy (part I)

Kimberly Guilfoyle Newsom, according to the New York Post, told a mostly gay audience at New York's Empire State Pride Agenda Foundation dinner that her husband, Gavin Newsom, was "hot" and "hung" but not bisexual – "unless," she said, pantomiming eating a banana, "you can give a better ... than me." (She later denied the banana part.)

Well, not really. Not with that hair

Kimberly Newsom also said her husband had become "a gay icon – Gavin, Cher, and the Indigo Girls."

The road to the White House could get a bit bumpy (part II)

Schwarzenegger said his wife was so mad after his speech to the Republican National Convention that "there was no sex for 14 days."

Dang. Where did we put that stuff?

Pacific Gas and Electric Co. was unable to locate some highly radioactive used nuclear fuel generated at the Humboldt Bay plant.

What's all this nonsense about the lesser of two evils?

Among the candidates running as write-ins for president this year was Randy Crow of Wilmington, N.C., who says he may be the returning Christ, might have a radio frequency identification chip implanted in his brain by the Omega Agency (which runs everything and is "stealing every penny from everyone"), and once claimed there were colonies of men on the moon reporting to the government who had death rays that could vaporize everyone. Also running were Jack Grimes, leader of the United Fascist Union, who wants to set up a dictatorship based on the teachings of Benito Mussolini and Saddam Hussein, and Sterling Allan, who has alphabetized the entire Bible, arranged the words in a numerical order, and found what he thinks could be a message from God anointing him as the best candidate to save the nation.

Blessed are the globalizers, for they shall make a fast buck

Catholic priests in the United States, claiming they're suffering from overwork, have begun outsourcing ritual prayers (which parishioners pay for) to low-cost priests in India.

From the 'life is sacred' files

A 17-year-old was arrested in Palm Desert after allegedly walking into a medical clinic and shooting his girlfriend – because she was about to abort his baby.

So full of shit with nowhere to go

Political reporters complained bitterly that only 20 portable toilets were available at the Democratic National Convention to serve 1,200 journalists.

Well, you know those French – they have no tolerance for that sort of thing

A Russian tennis player named Marat Safin yanked his shorts down during a French Open match because, he explained, "I felt like pulling my pants down. What's bad about it?" After he was penalized a point, he accused French officials of ruining the game of tennis.

More progressive reforms from the friends of George W. Bush

Afghan president Hamid Karzai encouraged men to let women register to vote, saying, "Please, my dear brothers, let your wives and sisters go to the voter registration process. Later you can control who she votes for, but please, let her go."

Too bad she didn't run as a Republican – she'd fit right in

Sheila Bilyeu, an independent candidate for U.S. Senate in Oklahoma, received 86,298 votes – almost 6 percent of the total – despite her penchant for suing the federal government, charging, among other things, that its agents implanted a radio device in her head in the 1970s and that President Bill Clinton had gassed her and stolen her dog.

Some of them, however, fought to end apartheid instead of just trying to make a killing in the market

After being sentenced to five months' incarceration for her role in an insider stock-trading scandal, Martha Stewart invoked the name of Nelson Mandela, saying, "Many, many good people have gone to prison."

Hey – seeing the son of God get whipped, beaten, and bloodied for two hours while everyone talks in Aramaic was bound to be a crowd pleaser

Mel Gibson personally made more than $100 million from the movie The Passion of the Christ.

I do. I mean, I didn't. I mean, is that what I said?

Britney Spears annulled her two-day-old Las Vegas marriage to old friend Jason Allen Alexander, saying she "lacked understanding of her actions to the extent that she was incapable of agreeing to the marriage." Spears's publicist denied reports that she was badly drunk for the 5:30 a.m. ceremony.

Great moments in presidential debating no. 1

"Of course I know Osama bin Laden attacked us. I know that."

Great moments in presidential debating no. 2

"I own a timber company? That's news to me. Need some wood?"

What's the matter, Chevy – you don't need any wood?

Chevy Chase called Bush a "dumb fuck" and lamented that "we still couldn't beat him with a bore like Kerry."