By Keith Axline and Sarah Han

IF VALENTINE'S DAY rolls up and all you have to offer your companion is merlot and Scrabble, don't blame us; we've found some heated happenings that won't leave you caught with your pants down ... unless that's what you want.

parties, events, and benefits

'Couples Tour of North Beach Strip Clubs' Call (510) 465-7607 to sign up; for more information go to www.learneroticdance.com. Fri/11, 5:30-9:30pm. $70 (plus tips for dancers). Bring your partner for a guided tour of four North Beach strip clubs, followed by a full-course dinner in Chinatown.

'Courtship in the Animal Kingdom' California Academy of Sciences, 875 Howard; 321-8000, www.calacademy.org. Mon/14, noon-1pm. $2-7 museum admission. Learn about the courtship behaviors animals use to attract mates.

'8minuteDating cupidParty' Jillian's, Metreon, 101 Fourth St; 369-6100, www.8minutedating.com. Thurs/10 (ages 30 to 40), 7:30pm. $35. Meet eight potential dates in one night. Advance registration required.

Erotic enhancement class with Nina Hartley Center for Sex and Culture, 398 11th St; 255-1155, www.sexandculture.org. Sat/12, noon-3pm; Sun/13 (couples only), 11am-5pm. $350 a couple. Adult-film star Nina Hartley teaches couples how to get it on.

'Food from the Heart' Ferry Building Marketplace, Embarcadero at Market; www.ferrybuildingmarketplace.com. Fri/11, 5-8pm. Free. Foodies are invited to romance their taste buds at the Ferry Building's second annual event featuring tasty appetizers, wine, fresh flowers, and much more.

'Fuck the Pain Away' Lit, 101 Sixth St; 278-0940. Sat/12, 9pm-2am. Free. Dance with your valentine or with yourself at this disco-punk, electro, indie, no-wave dance club; DJ Donimo and guests spin.

'Gay Marriage: State of the Heart' San Francisco Main Library, 100 Larkin; 557-4266. Sat/12, 2pm. Free. Join gay-rights activists on the first anniversary of the same-sex marriages performed at San Francisco City Hall. Betty Berzon, Kate Kendell, Mark Leno, and Molly McKay speak.

'International Quirkyalone Day' Rickshaw Stop, 155 Fell; 861-2011, www.quirkyalone.net. Sat/12, 8pm-1am. $5-20 sliding scale. Hundreds gather at this alternative Valentine's Day event inspired by Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics, by Sasha Cagen; activities include crafts, awards, a raffle, and more.

'Iron Science Teacher: Special Valentine's Edition' Exploratorium, 3601 Lyon; EXP-LORE, www.exploratorium.edu. Fri/11, noon. $12 museum admission. Teachers compete before a live audience at this special Valentine's Day-themed science event.

'I Seen Elvis Red Cross Benefit' Broadway Studios, 435 Broadway; 427-8170. Fri/11, 8pm. $10. Local cover band I Seen Elvis perform classic and contemporary hits to benefit the American Red Cross Bay Area chapter.

'Lap Dancing for Couples' Center for Healing and Expression, 1739 O'Farrell; 465-7607, www.learneroticdance.com. Sun/13, 3-4:30pm. $60 a couple. Couples are invited to learn how to perform a lap dance.

'Latin Rose' Metronome Dance Center, 1830 17th St; 252-9000, www.metronomedancecenter.com. Sun/13, 5:30pm. Call for price. The Metronome Dance Center presents a Valentine's Day Latin dance party.

'Pants Free Community Love-In and Dance Party Extravaganza' Hush Hush Lounge, 496 14th St; 241-9944. Mon/14, 9pm. $4, free without pants before 10pm. Club Neon and S.F. Critical Ass present a chance to dance with no pants! The event features a sexy underwear contest, a self-serve kissing booth, and complimentary pants check.

'Pole Dancing 101 Class' Center for Healing and Expression, 1739 O'Farrell; (510) 465-7607, www.learneroticdance.com. Sat/12, 3-5pm. $40. Learn how to give your honey a sexy show on a pole from former exotic dancer Catherine Rose.

Pop-up valentines-making workshop Randall Museum, 199 Museum Way; 554-9600. Sat/12, 1-4pm. $3-5. Make your own pop-up valentine card at this family-oriented drop-in art workshop.

'Pre-Valentine Singles Party' Broadway Studios, 435 Broadway; 776-7455, www.urbandiversion.com. Sat/12, mingle party 8-9pm, dance 9pm-2am. $30-35. Icebreaker games and activities get singles un-singling before the dancing starts; the Cheeseballs perform.

'Questioning the Nature of Love, Time and Humanity' Commonwealth Club of California, 595 Market; 597-6719. Mon/14, 6:30pm. $18. San Francisco author Andrew Sean Greer discusses love and his latest book.

'Realidate Love Launch Party' Mighty, 119 Utah; www.realidate.com/lovelaunch.htm. Mon/14, 7pm. $3-15. Online dating company Realidate presents this Web site launch party for singles.

Romantic local artisan tours To register call 665-0480 or 1-888-358-8687 or go to www.localtastesofthecitytours.com. Fri/11-Mon/14, 10am, 2 and 6pm. $69 plus $20 for optional meal. Each guest receives a special gift and has the option of a delicious meal at Macaroni Sciuè Sciuè; 6pm tour includes wine-tasting and extends into Chinatown.

'A Salsa Valentines to Remember!' Canvas Gallery, 1200 Ninth Ave; 504-0060. Sat/12, 8pm. $10-15. Get passionate on the dance floor at SalsaCrazy.com's party featuring lessons, dancing, and performances.

'Sex in the Sea' Aquarium of the Bay, Pier 39; 623-5300. Sat/12, 6-9pm. $35-45. Take a guided tour of the Aquarium of the Bay and learn about the sex lives of its residents.

'Singles Happy Hour' Dogzilla Cafe, Ste 2A, 215 Fremont; 442-1889. Mon/14, 4-7pm. Free. Take a chance and meet someone new at this relaxed singles mixer.

'Speed Your Love' Jon Sims Center, 1519 Mission; www.hyphenmagazine.com/events/speeddate. Sat/12, 6-11pm. $30, preregistration required. Straight and queer single Asian Americans and their friends are invited to this speed-dating event; all proceeds benefit Hyphen magazine.

'Valentine Adoption Fair' San Francisco SPCA, 243 Alabama; 522-3569, www.sfspca.org. Sat/12, 11am-3pm. Free. Valentine's Day isn't only for humans: experience the unconditional love and friendship a pet can offer.

'Valentine-a-Thon with Gail Rieke: A Free Drop-In Event' San Francisco Center for the Book, 300 De Haro; 565-0545. Fri/11, noon-4pm. Free. Collage artist Gail Rieke hosts a valentines-making party; participants should bring basic craft tools and materials to use and share.

'Valentine's Day' Dolce, 440 Broadway; 989-3434, www.crawlsf.com. Mon/14, 9pm-2am. Call for price. Dance the night away at this upscale club featuring DJ David Zachary.

'Valentine's Day Partner Yoga and Brunch' Sports Club/LA-San Francisco, 747 Market; 633-3900, www.thesportsclubla.com. Sat/12, 10-11:30am. $25-30. Test your flexibility with your partner outside the bedroom; afterward enjoy a special brunch with champagne, eggs, crepes, and fresh fruit.

'Valentine's Day Sex Tour' San Francisco Zoo, Sloat at Great Hwy; 753-7165, www.sfzoo.org. Sat/12-Mon/14, 10am and 2pm. $55 (reservations required; 21 and up only). Really learn all about the birds and the bees on this one-hour tour, then enjoy refreshments, champagne, and a mashed-potato bar.

'Valentine Trunk Show' 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission; 309-9240. Sun/13, noon-5pm. Free. Get the perfect Valentine's Day gift at this trunk show featuring wares by 25 local designers.

Bay Area

'Animal Amore!' Oakland Zoo, 9777 Golf Links Rd, Oakl; (510) 632-9525, ext 142, www.oaklandzoo.org. Sat/12 and Sun/13, 9-11am. $10, preregistration required. Keep the little ones at home – this program, for mature participants ages 12 and older – is all about creatures in the animal kingdom doing the nasty.

'The Beloved Self: A Self-Love Workshop and Mass Marriage' La Peña Cultural Center, 3105 Shattuck, Berk; (510) 849-2568. Sat/12, 12:30-5pm. $25 adults, $10 21 and under. Spoken word performer Aya de León invites all to read vows and make a commitment to themselves for a lifetime.

'Love Mission to Mars' Chabot Space and Science Center, 10000 Skyline Blvd, Oakl; (510) 336-7300. Sat/12, 6 and 8pm. $50 a couple. Take your partner out of this world at Chabot's simulated mission to Mars; the event includes chocolates, fizzy beverages, and a souvenir.

'Un-Valentines Hearts and Roses Ball' HS Lordships, 199 Seawall Dr, Berk; (925) 937-4744 or 1-800-870-7072, guild@pguild.com. Fri/11, 8pm-midnight. $25. As many as 400 singles are expected at this event presented by the Professionals Guild Singles Association.

'Valentine Pooch Salon' Berkeley-East Bay Humane Society, 2700 Ninth St, Berk; (510) 845-7735, www.berkeleyhumane.org. Sun/13, noon-5pm. Call for price. Dog lovers are invited to bring their furry friends for a day of pampering, treats, and more; proceeds benefit the Berkeley-East Bay Humane Society.

'Valentine's Day Cabaret' Julia Morgan Center for the Arts, 2640 College, Berk; (925) 798-1300. Sat/12, 7-11pm. $35. Enjoy live renditions of romantic classics performed by members of Shotgun Players to benefit the Julia Morgan Center. Free champagne and chocolate, dedicated requests, and a silent auction of items such as dinners, hotel and spa visits, art, and wine add to the mood.

film, music, and performance

Nicolas Bearde Harry Denton's Starlight Room, Sir Francis Drake Hotel, 450 Powell; 395-8595. Sun/13, 8pm. $15. Singing about the good times and the bad, Nicolas Bearde performs tunes off his latest CD, All about Love, at this release party.

'Club ID Valentine's Day Massacre' Rickshaw Stop, 155 Fell, 861-2011, www.rickshawstop.com. Fri/11, 10pm. $6, free before 10:30pm. The New Strange headline this "heart ripped out"-themed masquerade, while DJ Fletcher and DJ Lionel Vinyl pop out some retro rock to get you boppin' and hoppin' for V-Day.

'Funkalicious Valentineous Get-Down' Boom Boom Room, 1601 Fillmore; 673-8000. Fri/11, 9pm. $10. Bring your honey out for a night of bluesy soul with Zachary Ross and the Desolation Angels.

Carla Helmbrecht, Peter Horvath Trio, and Ricardo Scales Top of the Mark, Mark Hopkins Intercontinental Hotel, 1 Nob Hill; 616-6916. Mon/14, 7pm-midnight. $289. Ricardo Scales plays the keys from 7 to 9pm as you enjoy a complimentary bottle of champagne with your four-course meal. Carla Helmbrecht and the Peter Horvath Trio play from 9pm to midnight, just in time for dessert and Cointreau.

'How We First Met' Magic Theatre, Building D, Fort Mason Center, Marina at Laguna; 348-6280, www.howwefirstmet.com. Mon/14, 7 and 9pm. $25. This Valentine's Day improv comedy show gets its stories from real-life couples in the audience who are interviewed onstage.

'In Bed with Fairy Butch Valentine Show' 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission; 970-9777. Sat/12, 9pm. $10-15 sliding scale. Women and transfolks are invited to this special edition of "In Bed with Fairy Butch," featuring audience participation, strippers, and a dance party.

'Indulge Your Senses' W Hotel San Francisco and XYZ Restaurant, third fl, 181 Third St; 537-4258. Fri/11, 7-11pm. $25-50. Enjoy a seductive lingerie show by the designers of Dark Garden while perusing gifts from Good Vibrations and getting advice from Chronicle Books authors and sexpert Dr. Carol Queen. A three-course aphrodisiac dinner is available.

Isn't It Romantic: 100 Love Poems by Younger American Poets book release Make-Out Room, 3225 22nd St; 647-2888. Mon/14, 9pm. $7. Part of a nationwide party to celebrate this timely publication, this event features musical performances by Michael Zapruder, Ray's Vast Basement, and Beth Lisick and poetry readings by Gillian Conoley, D.A. Powell, Chris Stroffolino, and Joe Wenderoth.

'Love and Lust, Lust, Lust Cabaret' Community Music Center, 544 Capp; (650) 280-8477, anitacocktail@sbcglobal.net. Sun/13, 5:30pm. $40. Cocktail and a Cabaret presents two shows: "A Skip Down Memory Lane," featuring Leanne Borghesi and Houston Allred singing love songs, and "Lust, Lust, Lust!," a sexy burlesque with Anita Cocktail and Diamond Daggers. Proceeds benefit the Tsunami Disaster Relief Fund.

'Lovers Rock' Danzhaus-Gingerbread Warehouse, 1275 Connecticut; 970-0222. Sat/12, 11pm-6am. $15. This underground dance party features DJs Jenö, Laird, Smoove, Tom Hoch, Seven, Sol, and others; live music; fire and aerial performances; art installations; and more.

'Love Still Bites' San Francisco LGBT Community Center, Rainbow Room, 1800 Market; 861-7067, www.lgcsf.org. Fri/11-Sat/12, 7:30pm. $10-20. The Lesbian/Gay Chorus of San Francisco presents this cabaret show about love, featuring guest singer-songwriter Jill Sizemore.

Seth Montfort Victorian Englander House, 807 Franklin; 362-6080, www.sfclassicalmusic.com. Sun/13, 3pm. $7-12. Pianist Montfort plays romantic ballroom pieces.

'My Bloody Valentine' Club Six, 60 Sixth St; 863-1221. Mon/14, 9pm-3am. $6. See 8 Days a Week.

Los Panchos Brava Theater Center, 2789 24th St; 647-2822. Fri/11-Sat/12, 8pm; Sun/13, 3 and 8pm. $24-35. The Mexican bolero trio perform romantic Latin music.

'Red' Ruby Skye, 420 Mason; 693-0777. Sat/12, 8pm. $20-30. Wear your hottest red outfit to this scorching dance club featuring Donald Glaude, Aaron Pope, Pat Allen, and Bernard Cabigon on the ones and twos.

'Scott Capurro's Throbbing Arrow' Cafe du Nord, 2170 Market; 861-5016. Mon/14, 7 and 10pm. $13. Stand-up comedian Scott Capurro presents a special Valentine's Day show.

'SF Famous Burlesque Review Valentine's Day' 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission; 970-9777. Fri/11, 9pm. $18 (21 and up only). This sexy burlesque show features SF Famous Burlesque Orchestra, the Lollies, the Scenics, MC RJ Owens, Flying Fox, DJ Delachaux, and others.

'A Shakespeare Valentine' Victorian Englander House, 807 Franklin; 362-6080, www.sfclassicalmusic.com. Sat/12, 7pm. $10-20. The San Francisco Shakespeare Lab presents an evening of love scenes, verse, songs, and sonnets written by Shakespeare.

'True Romance' Bayfront Theater, Fort Mason Center, Marina at Laguna; 474-6776. Fri/11-Mon/14, 8pm. $10-15. Celebrate Valentine's Day with a comedic improvisational performance – or four – by members of Bay Area Theater Sports Improv. Go to www.improv.org for full descriptions of each show.

Women in Love screening Film Arts Foundation, 145 Ninth St; (510) 642-3861, keverett@berkeley.edu, www.kareneverett.org. Thurs/10, 7pm. $10-50 donation. This event features a screening of Karen Everett's candid documentary about her relationships with lovers and friends.

Bay Area

'The Art of Romance' Craft and Cultural Arts Gallery, Elihu Harris State Building Atrium, 1515 Clay, Oakl; (510) 622-8190, ccagallery@mail2art.com. Feb 17, 5-8pm. Free. If you forgot to treat your lover on Valentine's Day, or if you want to keep the romantic mood alive, this event's just for you: singer-guitarist Kaylah Marin, dancer Ava Aquare Miller, author Marcia Falk, DJ Avotcja, and others perform.

'Bloody Valentine Bash' Starry Plough, 3101 Shattuck, Berk; (510) 548-1159. Sat/12, 9:30pm. $10. Rock out to Ramona the Pest, Nellie Bly, Tara Linda and friends, She Mob, and Jen Scaffidi at this second annual V-Day party.

Nancy Gilliland Little Fox Theatre, 2209 Broadway, Redwood City; (650) 369-4119. Mon/14, 8pm. $14. Let pianist-singer Nancy Gilliland get you in the mood with her "A Prelude to Romance" program.

Last Poets Eastside Arts Alliance, 2587 International Blvd, Oakl; (510) 533-6629. Fri/11, 8pm. $5-10. Wordsmiths the Last Poets present a program celebrating love, poetry, and revolution.

'Love Fest' La Peña Cultural Center, 3105 Shattuck, Berk; (510) 849-2568. Sat/12, 7 and 9:30pm. $12. Aya de León, Ise Lyfe, Meliza Bañales, and Shailja Patel read their poetry to celebrate the release of de León's new live CD, Joy in the Struggle. Elena Pinderhughes and Samora Pinderhughes perform music.

Rita Moreno with Russell Kassoff, Ken Miller, and Ted Sommer Berkeley Repertory Theatre, 2025 Addison, Berk; (510) 647-2949, www.berkeleyrep.org. Mon/14, 6pm dinner, 8pm show. Private show for new donors of $500 or more. Grammy-, Tony-, Emmy-, and Oscar-winner Rita Moreno performs following an optional four-course dinner.

'night/OUT' Berkeley Repertory Theatre, 2025 Addison, Berk; (510) 647-2915, jfuges@berkeleyrep.org. Thurs/10, 8pm. $20-43. Mature audiences are invited to the world premiere of Charles Mee's latest, racy play, Fêtes de la nuit, followed by a party featuring food, drinks, and a DJ.

'Popcorn and Porn!' Parkway Speakeasy Theatre, 1834 Park Blvd, Oakl; (415) 974-8985, ext 201, www.picturepubpizza.com. Sat/12, 5-8pm. $8 (21 and up only). Get your photo taken with adult-film star Nina Hartley at this double-feature screening of Nina Hartley's Guide to Masturbation and Nina Hartley's Guide to Multiple Orgasm.

Sylvia and the Silvertones Downtown, 2102 Shattuck, Berk; (510) 649-3810. Mon/14, 8pm. Call for price. Sylvia Herold, Julian Smedley, Chuck Irvin, and Ned Boynton perform at this concert and dinner.

'Valentine Indulgence' Alameda Art Center, 1701 Webster, Alameda; (510) 748-7888, www.alamedaartcenter.org. Sun/13, 5-7pm. $10-25. The Gold Coast Chamber Players perform while guests enjoy wine and chocolate; a reception follows.

'Valentine's Day Celebration with Abbey Lincoln' Yoshi's, 510 Embarcadero, Jack London Square, Oakl; (510) 238-9200. Fri/11-Sat/12, 8 and 10pm; Sun/13, 2 and 8pm. $15-26. Jazz singer Abbey Lincoln performs a Valentine's Day program.

art shows

'Bazaar Valentine' Women's Building, Audre Lorde Room, second fl, 3543 18th St; 431-1180. Fri/11, 7-10pm. Free. Buy your lover (or yourself!) a Valentine's Day gift at this boutique featuring wares created by 13 local designers.

'Erotic Art' City Art, 828 Valencia; 970-9900. Gallery hours Wed-Sun, noon-9pm. Through Feb 27. Free. This steamy exhibit features artwork created to express erotic leanings, yearnings, fantasies, and obsessions.

Valentine gift fair Artist-Xchange, 3169 16th St; 864-1490. Gallery hours Sat/12-Sun/13, noon-6pm. Free. Around a dozen local artists sell unique, meaningful gifts, including candles, jewelry, textiles, ceramics, handbags, and soaps.

'Valentines' John Pence Gallery, 750 Post; 441-1138, www.johnpence.com. Gallery hours Mon-Fri, 10am-6pm; Sat, 10am-5pm. Through Feb 27. Free. The nationally influential John Pence Gallery hosts a love-themed exhibit with varied works from more than 30 artists.

'Valentine Show' Galleria Tempest, 1742 Polk; 567-7452. Reception Sat/12, 6-9pm. Gallery hours Wed-Sat, 11am-6pm; Sun, noon-5pm. Through March 19. Free. This show features works by more than 30 artists on the theme of commitment – isn't it romantic?

'Vegas Valentine's Day Weddings' Photoworks, 2077A Market; 626-6800. Reception Fri/11, 7-9pm. Gallery hours Mon-Fri, 9am-8pm; Sat, 10am-8pm; Sun, 10am-6pm. Through March 15. Free. This photography show features archival giclee photographic prints by Marla Aufmuth of people tying the knot in Vegas on Valentine's Day.

'Wedding Portraits' Kiosks along Market St between Van Ness and the Embarcadero; www.sfgov.org/sfac/pubart. Opens Mon/14. Through May 12. Free. Posters featuring photographs by Felecia Carlisle and Jessica Hobbs commemorate Mayor Gavin Newsom's decision to issue same-sex marriage licenses.

Bay Area

'Be Mine' ACCI, 1652 Shattuck, Berk; (510) 843-2527, www.accigallery.com. Opening reception Thurs/10, 6-8pm. Gallery hours Mon-Fri, 11am-6pm; Sat, 10am-6pm; Sun, noon-5pm. Through Feb 28. Free. This Valentine's Day show features artworks by Alex Ambrose, Jennifer Cole, Janet Kaufman, and others.