By Matthew Shechmeister

WE THINK OF sports and we think of sweating, shouting, grunting, and taping ankles and knees. But for those of us who see a ball coming and run for cover, or who can't stand the heat of a court or competition, there are a myriad of other activities, passively falling under the guise of sports, that you won't find in a Gatorade commercial.

Lawn bowling and croquet, for example, are a lot like learning a musical instrument – where the player practices a set of simple movements and the skill comes in knowing when to use them. You can sip iced tea, clop a few balls, and call it a day, sans sprains or a break in your hair-gel'd coif. Not a real sport, says your inner sarcastic jock? You will stop sniggering when you get wrecked by a woman in her 70s confidently sporting a visor that says, "I [Heart] Croquet."

For people who want a physical challenge but aren't into competition, sailing and surfing are two sports that don't even require an opponent. Both are about harnessing natural forces and mastering a bunch of weird lingo that makes you sound cool – without ever having to don a uniform or pick up a bat or ball.

Fear not, all ye uncoordinated sporting novices. The weather is good, your cholesterol is bad, and your beer budget is darn-well tapped. Why not fight through your hangover, forgo a few hours of television, and get in touch with your inner athlete?

Sticks and stones

Croquet in San Francisco comes in two distinct varieties: regular and extreme. The first can be found at the San Francisco Croquet Club (19th Ave. at Wawona, S.F. 415-928-5525, www.croquetamerica.com/sfcc.asp), which has two immaculate lawns next to Stern Grove. You may have driven by on the weekend and noticed a few players in white leaning on their mallets or intently lining up a shot.

Chances are, one of those players was club treasurer and croquet addict Elaine Fong. Fong gives a free lesson on the first and third Saturday of every month (only an e-mail reservation is required). In about an hour and half, she will teach you all the basics of tournament croquet. "We cater to all levels, including those who just want to play socially," she says.

The game is slightly different from the backyard version familiar to American kids. It involves fewer hoops (wickets, as Fong will tell you, is not the proper term), just four balls, and a couple of extra rules. The mallets have squared handles and chunky, rectangular heads, and they send the balls a lot farther than the multicolored drumsticks that come with recreational sets.

The contest is civilized but not suffocating: you still get to bang your opponent's balls in the wrong direction. Croquet is meditative, and on weekends, when all participants must wear white, the atmosphere is even more serene. Fong looks wistful as she says, "Maybe in my younger days, I would have been a champion. You have to have that killer instinct." Though it is hard to imagine where killer instinct fits into croquet, Fong makes a compelling case for the sport: "It's outdoors, it doesn't take a lot of strength, and there is really a lot of thinking involved."

Full membership in the club costs $180 a year ($50 for students) and includes access to the club's lawns and all the equipment you need.

Of course, formal croquet may just be too formal for the X Games set, and those who want a more casual approach should consider the San Francisco Extreme Croquet Club (www.extremecroquet.com). Players have nicknames like "Black Rocket," "Captain Kangaroo," and "Mr. Poison," and they give the sport a kick in the ass. The club started in 1997 with an impromptu trip to Toys 'R' Us, and from those humble beginnings rose several dozen regular members, sponsorships from mallet manufacturers, and attention from local media. What makes them so "extreme," you ask? It's a combination of beer, trash talk, and launching your opponent's ball into a thornbush.

"Drinking is strongly encouraged," David Laliberte, a.k.a. Mr. Poison, remarks. Games take place once or twice a month during the summer, and membership is free.

If swinging a mallet still seems like too much work, there are other, less-taxing lawn sports to consider. "Lawn bowling is like a chess game on the grass," says Rob Powlak, the main instructor and former president of the San Francisco Lawn Bowling Club (415-831-0883, www.parks.sfgov.org/site/recpark_index.asp?id=18817). Like croquet, lawn bowling has the quality of a ritual. However, the motions are very different, and so is the strategy.

The object of the game is to roll your oblong "bowls" as close as possible to a cue ball called the "jack." Since the bowls are not perfectly round, their paths curve as they roll, which complicates simple shots but allows players a wide array of trajectories. Powlak encourages anyone interested in the sport to drop in for a free lesson, offered every Wednesday at noon at the club's home grounds in Golden Gate Park, located near the entrance at Haight and Stanyan Streets, across from the carousel. From the second Wednesday in June through the last Wednesday in September, free evening lessons are available at 5:30 p.m., but reservations are required.

Annual membership dues are $85, plus a one-time $10 registration fee. Members get a locker and access to the clubhouse and are eligible to play in intraclub games and tournaments.

Time and tide

Surfers call it "the stoke." It's the thrill you get when you stand up on your board in the water and it feels like a magic carpet is flying you toward the beach. It's pure sensation, unfiltered by consciousness; your thoughts can't seem to keep up with your body as you hurtle forward. And it's not as tough as you think.

Ocean Beach may be convenient, but its rough waves and rip currents are difficult and dangerous. For San Francisco residents, Linda Mar Beach, in Pacifica, is the closest surf break hospitable to beginners.

There are two major surf schools based in Pacifica, plus private instructors who will teach individuals or small groups. Girls Adventure Out (1750 Francisco Blvd., Ste. 5, Pacifica. 650-557-0641, www.girlsadventureout.com) began by offering sports activities for women and girls but now hosts a variety of co-ed classes in addition to its women-only programs. The company offers surfing instruction year-round, with two-day clinics for $160, gear rental included.

Also based at Linda Mar is Surf Camp Pacifica (650-738-5757, www.surfpacifica.com), which focuses on teaching children and families, and partners with Pacifica's Log Shop (640 Crespi Dr., Pacifica. 650-738-5664) to provide group lessons for adults. Both surf camps also offer private lessons, as do all of Pacifica's surf shops, usually for between $75 and $85 an hour (with a discount for small groups). To schedule, call the camp or the Log Shop, NorCal Surf Shop (5460 Coast Hwy., Pacifica. 650-738-WAVE), or Sonlight Surf Shop (757 Crespi Dr., Pacifica. 650-359-5471). Once you are comfortable enough to go out on your own, you can rent a board and wet suit from any Pacifica surf shop for around $35 a day.

According to Cliff Hodges, the lead surf instructor at Girls Adventure Out, "The biggest advantage of taking a class is safety and etiquette.... You also form a community. You meet a surfing buddy in the class." Having a partner motivates new surfers to get up at odd hours to catch the best waves, and partners can provide moral support after major wipeouts.

But perhaps you'd rather stay a bit drier in your on-the-water pursuits? No problem. An ascot and eye patch are not required, but like surfers, sailors are a tightly knotted community. Fortunately, they're always looking for new recruits, and Bay Area landlubbers have several moderately priced options (in an otherwise expensive pursuit) for getting some wind in their sails.

Sailing Education Adventures (Fort Mason Center, Bldg. E, Room 235, Marina at Laguna, S.F. 415-775-8779, www.sailsea.org) is a nonprofit sailing club that provides a regular schedule of introductory and intermediate programs out of Sausalito. All instructors are volunteers, and their enthusiasm for sailing is contagious.

Membership is $65 a year and includes access to the club's sailing classes and other activities. The introductory class takes place over four weekend days and costs $245. After completing the sequence, members can take out the club's dinghies for free during regular "open sails," when experienced sailors ride along and supervise.

Though less organized than SEA, Cal Sailing (124 University, Berk. www.cal-sailing.org), based out of the Berkeley Marina, offers an even lower-priced way of getting on the water. Interested seafarers should drop by between 9:00 a.m. and sunset on weekends, or noon and sunset during the week, for more information on the club, including the current lesson schedule. To check out the club and take a free sail on the bay, attend an open house (the schedule is listed on the Web site). Membership is $60 for three months, which allows access to the club's boats and windsurfing boards. Before taking out any of the equipment, members must be certified by the club, and new members can sign up for introductory classes taught by more experienced sailors.

Those seeking a more structured sailing program should visit Cal Adventures (510-643-8843, www.oski.org), located next door to Cal Sailing. It rents equipment and operates sailing, sea kayaking, and windsurfing classes at competitive rates.

The nonsporting among us no longer need to sit on the sidelines. Croquet, lawn bowling, surfing, and sailing all foster community and fun, and they're a great excuse to bask in the glory of the season's long days. Even if you can't catch a Frisbee, there is fun to be had that will make you feel like a regular jock. Get out there, and get in the game!