By Andrea Nemerson

Cry fowl

DEAR READERS: Any time I tell some stranger what I do, the inevitable, immediate response is "Wow, that must be fascinating! What's the weirdest question you've ever gotten?" I shrug and say people are pretty much the same: they're freaked out that their partner likes porn, or they have some weird fantasy, or they want to know if it's OK to do some harmless thing, or their girlfriend prefers sex with a parrot to sex with them. What? What did I just say? I never get letters like that, do I? With parrots?

I wouldn't make this up. I'm not sure I could.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: This is no joke! For the past few months, my girlfriend has been having sex with a close companion. They make no attempt to hide this, frequently conducting their rowdy liaisons in my (reluctant) presence. It's her parrot, a small, extremely vocal dusky conure. The bird demands to be masturbated at all hours of the day and night, and my girlfriend is happy to oblige. Are these cross-species relationships common?

I wouldn't be so resentful if my girlfriend showed any sexual interest in me. I moved in with her after a three-month long-distance relationship. Initially, the sex was really good, but I now find myself playing second fiddle to the bird. My girlfriend insists it has nothing to do with her feelings for me, and she thinks we "just need space" to restore the flame.

The other evening we had company, and my girlfriend slipped into the bathroom, leaving the door open, to pleasure the bird. I was appalled because the parrot is really loud – but luckily the company didn't catch on.

I feel this is really out of hand. I'm trapped right now – no job, no money – and I've even considered going to a women's shelter because I felt so desperate. Should I try to make this relationship work despite it all? I do really love her, and I know she cares about me. Or should I just consider the situation too fucked-up to salvage?

Sometimes I think about opening the windows to eliminate the pest, but guilt overtakes me. I love animals, and I really don't, in principle, object to the practice of pleasuring our little feathered and furry friends, for they too deserve a sex life, and we have no right to deprive them just because they are compelled to be our pets.

Love, Fine Feathered Mess

Dear Mess: All birds aside, I refuse to accept that you are truly trapped. You came from somewhere. You've only been in this nuthouse three months; there must be some remnants of your old life left – friends, job connections, something. It shouldn't be too late to go back. You said it first: this situation is too fucked-up to salvage – even without the bird.

Believe it or not, I was willing to work with your girlfriend up to a point. I've known a number of fairly sane people who've had some sort of low-level sexual contact with "companion" animals, often motivated by the sort of guilt toward the furry (and now I have to add, feathered) classes. I might find it distasteful myself, but I understand the motivation.

It isn't the fact that your girlfriend gets the parrot off (although, ick) that's ringing the trouble bell for me. It isn't even that she keeps doing it despite the distress it's causing you. It's that she's so completely oblivious to the fact that this behavior is wildly at odds with societal norms that she'll wander away and diddle the birdie (sounds like a euphemism, doesn't it?) right in the middle of a dinner party. I'm sorry, but that just isn't done.

I don't know if you've ever heard that story on the radio program This American Life where the girl buys a macaw and it causes her a crippling injury and alienates her husband and terrorizes her kids. These birds mate for life and are terribly possessive, and they're not picky about gender, or even species.

I've heard similar stories where bird hates family, family hates bird, bird owner is torn between loyalty to humans and love-hate relationship with stupid bird, who will live forever. Birds are bad news, I'm telling you. They want their humans to become species traitors, and your girlfriend's parrot has won. Run. If you love something, set it free.

Love, Andrea

E-mail Andrea Nemerson at andrea@altsexcolumn.com.