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Asexy new friends By Deborah Giattina I WONDER IF Jesus Christ was asexual. Sure, there are those who put forth that the son of God was shagging Mary Magdalene all along. That's certainly within the realm of possibility. Or maybe the Nazarene made a conscious choice to be celibate? Like Morrissey did until he met that boxer. (If that's really true, what could be more ironic!) And how many movie reviewers wanted to queer the tender Hobbit love between Frodo and Sam? Is it so hard to imagine that Jesus just wasn't interested in sex at all? In a city where being sex-positive is the norm, it's hard to accept that some people don't have a party going on in their pants 24-7. The queer community spends so much time advocating for our right to get it on, maybe it unintentionally dismisses those who just want to play Scrabble and call it a night. Before you suggest throwing your empty bottle of Viagra at such a person, be aware that a growing community of people who identify as asexual is looking for our local sexual deviants to welcome it in with open arms. David Jay, the 23-year-old Webmaster and founder of the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (www.asexuality.org) wants asexuality to be viewed as a sexual orientation in and of itself. When it comes to orientation, Jay is a self-described queer asexual slut. If that seems like too much to take in at once, then perhaps we should break it down. Queer because he's attracted to both men and women. Asexual because that attraction is not of a sexual nature. And slut because he engages in more mind melds with the people he's drawn to than Spock made during the entire series of Star Trek. With supple lips, devilish green eyes, and a really big brain, Jay is, ladies and gentlemen, definitely the kind of guy you would want to get on his back. And you can – human touch and connection are very important to him. But, I repeat, there will be no hanky panky. Doesn't that just kill you? The site, which he works on during his off hours from his gig at an education nonprofit, has been online since 2002 and claims more than 4,000 members, most young and trying to figure out what's up with them, some older – married, even – and long aware that they're just not into it. Jay started the organization off-line four years ago while at Wesleyan University, where he made "gay pancakes" every week for two years at a campus LGBT social event. "I would go to LGBT conferences and do presentations there," he tells me over bagels and OJ on a recent sunny afternoon. "And the reason is because the queer community is the place where discussions about sexuality are happening – about sexuality and identity and how they all work. For us, as an asexual community, if there's a place that we're going to have a discussion like this, the queer community is a good one." Log on to the community forum and you'll encounter a wide range of POVs on the subject. Only a few members voted in a poll asking whether "A" for asexuals should be added to the LGBTI acronym. Of those who did, half wanted to hop on, citing solidarity with other sexual minorities and opportunity for visibility as reasons. Most of the rest didn't have strong feelings about it. When it comes to whether asexuals perceive themselves as inherently queer, the answer depends on the individual. Many threads on the site go back and forth on the issue, some saying that once you step outside the norm, you're in the club. Jay cautions that it's not cool to place identities on people. Others make the rather valid point that, unfettered by the pitfalls of sex and all its complications, they're free to experience other joys in life, such as walking on air, composing sublime symphonies, and downloading episodes of Xena off the Internet. Says Jay of the response he's gotten from queer quarters, "As anyone does in any community, I have to earn people's respect. I think it's tricky because asexuality runs up against sex positivism.... I've gotten some backlash from people who are saying, 'No, we need to be talking about sex and sexual pleasure more. And if you're going to discourage people from exploring sexual pleasure, then that's bad.' " But Jay likes to think he's opened up the discussion of all that. Let's talk about pleasure, not just sexual pleasure. As we express our pride this weekend, maybe just this once, let's not hop into bed with the first out-of-towner wearing one of those Single Dyke/Fag/Tranny stickers we can find. Maybe we should think about making new friends and marvel, rather than sneer and make churlish jokes, at how long our tail has grown: LGBTQQIAA. That's Lesbian Gay Bi Trans Questioning Queer Intersex Ally Asexual, in case you haven't been keeping track. Hey, the more the merrier. |
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