Sonic Reducer

Walk, don't Ren

by Kimberley Chun

"Manure Occurreth," read one passing T-shirt, beneath one surprisingly tame handlebar mustache, at this year's Heart of the Forest Renaissance Faire. And you know that dude has been waiting all year to wear that shirt – just like I'll wait another year to break out my "I went to the Renaissance Faire and all I got was this lousy sunburn" trucker cap.

Aye, it's easy to make sport of the anachronistic jollifications of the Ren Faire, ye olde random accents, the crusty old salts' bared potbellies, and the village wenches' plentiful cleavage, served up like meat pies above tight corsets. "Whoa, are those for real?" I asked Kerry, a local noisemaker who shall remain anonymous, as we pass a clutch of maids with more bared décolletage than an early Russ Meyer nudie cutie. We both felt pretty underequipped, as well as underdressed.

But just look at today's entertainment, man: Kerry's current TV rave, Rock Star: INXS, and my favorite story last week – the news that New York attorney general Eliot Spitzer's investigation into payola in the music industry led to an admission by Sony BMG Entertainment that employees have funneled cash, trips, and assorted bribes toward radio stations and employees in exchange for airplay.

That led to at least one program director's head tumbling and many a music writer's eyeballs rolling (in that "I told you so" gyration) – and triggered a settlement in which Sony BMG will pay $10 million to nonprofits focused on arts and education in an effort to redress "independent musicians indirectly frozen out by the alleged payola schemes." The Washington Post also reports that subpoenas have been issued to Clear Channel Communications and Infinity Broadcasting.

Talk about the chickens coming home to roost. If only all playing fields were as level as that of the Renaissance Faire jousting circle, though the joust, as skillful as it is, is as much an act as everything at the faire. Instead of drooling over the knights, Kerry and I decided to stalk the Virgin Queen. Oh sure, Christopher Marlowe fills out his pantaloons handsomely and is a flowery poet to boot, the Protestants have that rebellious streak going for them, but the queen is the real star here – Freddie Mercury had the right idea.

"God save the Queen," and down our faire friends went, into deep bows and curtsies.

"I can't stop thinking about the pistols," Kerry murmured.

"What? Muskets?"

"No, the Sex Pistols."

"If we became the queen's groupies and ran after her, holding our heads, screaming and crying, do you think I'd get her knight's sword in my side?" I asked, as we followed her procession from the Minotaur's Maze to the mouse race. I should have shouted that louder and given some saucy lad a chance to hurl another bad, bawdy pun, because we all know Ren Faire folk are known for their friendliness. In fact, all you have to do is stand too close to the Scottish bangers booth. "Put a chicken in the pail, and I'll slip one in your pocket," a carny cracked.

We tried, believe me, we tried to fit in. We sang rounds with the Green Man; churned butter, G-rated style, due to the presence of "wee ones"; found a crazy new sailing route to the Orient, via Canada; and shopped for scary, articulated silver ring-claws straight out of The Return of the King. But all the real fun seemed to be on the other side of the faire, among the Ren folk, trading quips, winks, leers, and appreciative looks about being in on the script, the history, the joke. Or maybe if we had just come in random bare-midriff Xena: Warrior Princess outfits, with a quiver and goth kiss curls, then perhaps we'd have been a little bit more in the spirit of things. Even the Thor with an ape drape and loincloth, who looked like an extra from Conan the Barbarian, blended in somewhat, give or take a century or two.

"It's all about creating your own world," Kerry said, gazing at the way-lavish, weighty, heatstroke-inducing leather and velvet getups for sale. We could relate – who's to say that the indie rock realm is so unlike this magic kingdom overseen by Phyllis Patterson, who, according to legend, started the first of its kind more than 25 years ago? You just need the outfit, background, and language, and it helps if you have the balls, boobs, or authority to pull it off. Big swords and a sense of humor also help.

"I think it's totally awesome," Kerry said. "Where do I sign up?"

Major gossip!!! Read this! That was the subject line of a recent e-mail from Hunx of Gravy Train!!!!, sharing his adventures at LA's Spider Club with Tina from Top Ten and the Bobby Teens. It's too good not to share, er, chunks. Though the evening had an '80s prom theme – perfect for the pair – "The doorman would not let us inside, while he let literally everyone else in sight in," Hunx writes. "Feeling like huge dorks in line, Ryan Cabrera (Ashley Simpson's on-again, off-again) walks up and the paparazzi go buck. Fifteen minutes later the doorman tells us we look 'amazing' (referring to our '80s outfits, which were actually just our everyday wear) and he pulled back the rope and let us in!!!!!!!!! Inside we peep Cabrera, then Jackie from That '70s Show, then Lance Bass of N*SYNC.

"We decided to get more $8 whiskey and cokes at the bar, and boom! Vincent Gallo! In the flesh! Wearing a really bad '70s moccasin fringe jacket. Five minutes later Tina says, 'Wouldn't it be great to see Courtney Love?' and then she starts walking by us with Kimberly Stewart hanging off her back. Courtney gets on the pole dance and dances!!! We snap picks!!! ... I walk by Love and say, 'I love you.' She gives me a forgiving stare." After Hunx and Tina tried twice to take Love's photo, Deborah Gibson performed a medley from Electric Youth. Then Hunx concludes: "We watch Courtney leaving, swarmed by 20 paparazzi. Tina yells at her, 'See, Courtney?! See what happens when you don't take your picture with me' and then, 'You wanted this, Courtney' ... Insane." Sounds like a real paparazzi reconnaissance faire.

Heart of the Forest Renaissance Faire takes place Saturdays and Sundays through Aug. 14, 11 a.m.-7 p.m., Stafford Lake Park, Novato. For prices, go to www.forestfaire.com. Polecat dancing? E-mail Kimberly.

Going out?

High Dials This is the hype time for the psychedelic Canadians. Wed/3, 9 p.m., Cafe du Nord, 2170 Market, SF. $6. (415) 861-5016.

Robbie Fulks Quality country-pop that Fresh Air reveres and Faith Hill will never get. Wed/3, 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission, SF. Call for time and price. (415) 970-9777. Also Thurs/4, Starry Plough, 3101 Shattuck, Berk. Call for time and price. (510) 841-2082.

Why? We're batting our eyes at Why?'s Elephant Eyelash (Anticon). Wide-screen arrangements of pots, turntables, and glockenspiel and lyrics like "I wanted a verb and you gave me a noun." With TMS, Jel, Passage, and dosh at the Fri/5 Anticon benefit for Dax and with Alias, dosh, and Bat Rays Sat/6. 8:30 p.m., Bottom of the Hill, 1233 17th St., SF. $12. (415) 474-0365.

Teenage Fanclub No teenagers they, but take the perfect pop anyway. Fellow Merge mavens Rosebuds also play. Fri/5, 9 p.m., Bimbo's 365 Club, 1025 Columbus, SF. $25. (415) 474-0365.

Heavenly States Oakland's answer to the Clash butt heads with quality indie rockers and songsmiths Built Like Alaska, David Dondero, and Rum Diary. Sat/6, 9 p.m., Independent, 628 Divisadero, SF. $10. (415) 771-1421.

Hockey Night Pavement-style shambling through a looking glass of gamer culture and too much soda pop. Admire the gumption of Keep Guessin' (Look Out!). Mon/8, 8 p.m., 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission, SF. $7. (415) 970-9777.

Equipto The best-kept secret in Bay Area hip-hop and ex-Bored Stiff collectivist smokes some with local collaborator and kingpin Andre Nickatina. Tues/9, 9 p.m., Blakes, 2367 Telegraph, Berk. $15. (510) 848-0886.

Mayday Tremulous pop romanticism from Cursive guitarist Ted Stevens? May we suggest Bushido Karaoke (Saddle Creek)? Neva Dinova also perform. Tues/9, 9:30 p.m., Cafe du Nord, 2170 Market, SF. $8. (415) 861-5016.