'I'VE GOT WAY too many frickin' drag queens on speed dial to enjoy folding someone else's underwear this much," I thought, fist-deep in some painfully cute boy's 2-Xist y-fronts at the Rising Star Laundromat. I mean, I've sullied plenty of tightie-whities in my long afternoons, but this was the first time I'd helped someone get any clean – and it felt like committing perjury. I'll do anything for love (or at least some brief attention), but getting Downy at the neighborhood fluff 'n' fold for it was just this side of creepy.

What with that and the fact that I had recently woken up from the Dore Alley Leather Fair in my own bed (although, admittedly, not alone, and, also admittedly, covered in a thin crust of motor oil and French's yellow mustard), I was feeling awfully boring. It was time to toss a little glamour spanner in the works, some glitter in the fan. Time to check in with my frabjous fembot sisters from the planets Primp and Hose – and make out with their slightly butcher hangers-on at "wild parties."

It was time, indeed, to page the queens.

Ever since the Octavia Boulevard project beat a path of sweaty road workers right to the door of Marlena's this spring, drag has surged back to the nightlife forefront. Marlena's certainly deserves a prime piece of asphalt by the new Hayes Green, hanging on for years as the sharpest little leather-tranny bar in all of posh, benumbed Hayes Valley. Stepping into its elegant, kitsch interior from the glare of the Valley's quirky boutiques is a bit like bumping into Tammy Faye Baker in Antarctica and getting a great big Baby Jesus hug. You just go with it.

Besides being the next nightspot slated for hipster recognition, Marlena's is foxbase alpha for the San Francisco Imperial Court, an organization that occupies the shadowy district between Liza Minnelli's discography and the annual Shriners Parade in many young gay men's imaginations. In fact, the Imperial Court is pretty damn cool, raising thousands of dollars for community services. Each year's elected emperor and empress host countless charity events, gracefully executing untold costume changes while clutching a mic and a fresh Sea Breeze. Marlena herself was a legendary empress, so shower her with props if she's back behind the bar.

With Marlena's in blossom, Aunt Charlie's in the Tenderloin at the height of underground distinction, and Trannyshack packing 'em in with the likes of Lady Bunny and Charo, it seems you can't swing a cat-hair stole in this town without a drag queen launching a club night nearby. So, where to go? I plugged my nose and dove.

I've known Miss Anna Conda since she was knee-high to a Harvey Wallbanger, when I still thought a transvestite was something that stuck up from the bottom of a cave full of bats. Out of all the trannies whose eyes get wide and whose jaws clench at the sight of me, hers get the widest and clenchiest. When I asked her about her Friday weekly Charlie Horse at the Cinch, which features her on the tables (and elsewhere), she said, "I can't believe what a great time I'm having. Please stop calling." When Miss Trannyshack 2005 tells you nicely to fuck off, you've really arrived.

Charlie Horse is a lot of drunken, anarchic fun, and so is Miss Juanita More's Club Scene monthly at the safe and sound Endup, especially since her gorgeous go-go "More Boys" are all secretly in love with me. Meanwhile, Adrian and the Mysterious D.'s monthly mash-up Bootie, which usually features my dream girl Princess Kennedy tearing up the midnight stage, celebrates two years of subculture clash this month. I would be remiss here not to plug the splendid Hot Boxxx Girls, who perform every weekend at Aunt Charlie's in a style best described as "extreme lip synch." And if you get a chance to check out any of the Trannyshack alums' one-offs at Harvey's in the Castro, hop to.

But the cubic zirconium in the tranny tiara this month will definitely be the 10th annual Drag King Contest at DNA Lounge, pumping the flipside of femme with a wealth of local tranny boy talent bringing their best James Dean/Jay-Z styles. I admit I'm an unabashed tranny boy chaser (who isn't?), so I'll try to keep my hands to myself. But boyz, you better lock up your skivvies tight.

Marlena's is open Sun.-Fri., noon-2 a.m., Sat. 10 a.m.-2 a.m., 488 Hayes, SF. (415) 864-6672.

Charlie Horse takes place Fridays, 10 p.m.-2 a.m., at the Cinch, 1723 Polk, SF. Free. (415) 776-4162.

Club Scene takes place every first Saturday, 10pm-2am, at the EndUp, 401 Sixth St., SF., $7. (415) 646-0999. www.juanitamore.com.

Bootie takes place every second Saturday at the Rickshaw Stop, 9pm-2am, 155 Fell, SF. $10. (415) 861-2011. www.bootiesf.com.

Hot Boxxx Girls perform Fridays and Saturdays, 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Aunt Charlie's Lounge, 133 Turk, SF. Price varies. (415) 441-2922. www.auntcharlieslounge.com.

The 10th annual Drag King Contest takes place Thurs/15, 8 p.m., DNA Lounge, 375 11th St., SF. $20 advance, $25 door. (415) 626-1409. www.sfdragkingcontest.com.

E-mail Marke B