alt.sex.columby andrea nemerson
Orgasmo
DEAR ANDREA: I was wondering if there is any such thing as a strap-on that "ejaculates" via some sort of tube running through it. If so, what is the semen substitute?
Love, Strapped On
Dear Strap: The things I do for you people!
There is indeed such a device on the market. The one I found is called the Orgasmatron (which conjures up unsavory images of dildo purveyors having to write Woody Allen a check for every pulsating pink penis sold), and the instructions say to use warm water. This expulsion, presumably, is meant to take place internally, as mere water would produce an unsatisfactory visual. Classic semen substitutes include Jergens Lotion, reconstituted potato "buds" (seen in action in a documentary on gay porn), and various concoctions involving egg white. I leave the experimentation up to you, along with any cleanup problems that might result from flouting the manufacturer's directions. Off you go.
Love, Andrea
Dear Andrea: My sex life with my fiancée has waned under the pressures of our upcoming wedding. The closer it gets, the less frequently we have sex. Initially, it was awesome. We had that sweaty, howling, monkey sex almost daily.
We recently watched the unrated version of Team America, which has puppet sex scenes. I never thought puppets fucking would turn me on, but after fucking, they piss and shit on each other as a ritual of dominance and submission that transcends time. I am now fixated on pissing and shitting on my fiancée. It's really the only thing turning me on about us now. I thought it might rekindle our sex life. She finds no attraction to the act, or willingness to submit to my whims. I volunteered to have her "do" me first, and that was declined.
Should I stop hinting to her and do handstands in the shower and "do" myself?
Love, Mr. Poo
Dear Poo: I really do mean to get around to addressing your problem, but I'm still a little stunned to hear that there is stop-motion scat in the unrated version of Team America. I saw Team America! Was the puppet poo reserved for the special suckers who bought the director's-cut DVD, or have I somehow managed to wipe my memory clean of ever having been exposed to such a thing? I don't much like puppets to begin with (they are somewhere between the clowns and the mimes of the inanimate kingdom, and I just don't trust them), I didn't much like Team America, and right now I'm feeling vaguely traumatized, like I just discovered I'd been roofied and made to attend a Saturday matinee against my will. What has happened here?
Oh well. The real question is not "How the hell did you manage to get turned on by marionettes pooping poly-resin poop?" but "What are you supposed to do now?" Do I think there's a possibility that your fiancée might reconsider? I do not. As I've said every single time I get one of these wistful "Do you think she'll come around?"-type questions about the world's least-popular non-obscure sex act: not on your life. I also usually suggest that anyone who has asked a partner to engage in poop play and been rebuffed should drop the issue immediately and avoid any temptation to check back later in case things might have changed in the meantime. When we're speaking of scat, "no" means "fuck no." It does not mean "Maybe later, if you're nice."
If shitting on your unwilling bride is truly the only thing that can turn you on anymore, you are, shall we say, SOL. Maybe you can still get some of your deposit money back on the space or the flowers or something, but you are not marrying this girl. I won't allow it. Before doing anything so drastic as breaking it off, however, perhaps you should look back at what brought you to this not-so-pretty pass in the first place. What happened to the hot monkey sex? (Yuck! I don't know where the ubiquitous "hot monkey sex" phrase came from, but I wish it would go back there. Monkeys. The marionettes of the animal kingdom: Don't trust 'em.) What happened when you (or she) tried to address the problem? Did you ever even talk about what you've lost, or did you both just stand there and let all the juice drain away, leaving only a small, sad pile of puppet poo behind? Have you considered the fact that planning a big wedding can leach the joy out of any- and everything, and that a resurgence of libido is likely as soon as the last thank-you note is in the mail? Did you try sharing some fantasies, renting some porn, setting aside a weekend to get weird with each other? Did you try anything at all? I assure you there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in Trey Parker's philosophy.
Love, Andrea
E-mail Andrea Nemerson at andrea@altsexcolumn.com.