Sexual IQ test

How sexologically up-to-date are you? Alt.sex.column's Andrea Nemerson springs a current-events pop quiz

I'D BEEN WRITING alt.sex.column for a few years when a friend asked me if I was bored yet. "Bored?" I scoffed. "How could I be bored?" "There's only, like, twelve sex things," she pointed out, and secretly, I kind of saw her point. Twelve might be a bit of an understatement, but still, how long could I reasonably expect to go on finding new and interesting "sex things" to write about?

Pretty much infinitely, as it turns out. There's always something new to ponder in the world of sexual goings-on if you keep up with current events. Have you been keeping up? There's only one way to find out. The following questions are culled from fairly recent research or more-or-less-current current affairs. Take the quiz, and send your answers to sexualiq@sfbg.com by Sept. 30. Bay Guardian editors will draw a winner at random from the pool of those who get 10 out of 10, and that lucky sex-geek will walk away with a goody bag from Good Vibrations and a sexy little dinner at one of San Francisco's yummiest restaurants. Answers will be posted online at sfbg.com Oct. 5.

1. A study conducted in South Africa resulted in the discovery that a specific procedure apparently protects men from contracting HIV. What is it?

(a) Facial mutilation to make the subject less attractive

(b) Circumcision

(c) Suspending the subject's driver's licenses

2. A new kind of "pride" movement made headlines for the first time this year. What kind of sexuality is now being celebrated?

(a) Asexuality

(b) Trisexuality

(c) Unisexuality

3. Researchers hooked young men up to instruments, had them watch some porn, and ended up casting doubt over the very existence of which sexual orientation?

(a) Asexuality in men

(b) Bisexuality in men

(c) Homosexuality in men

4. A new book makes a forceful argument for which explanation for the existence of the female orgasm?

(a) Male partners of orgasmic women are less likely to be violent.

(b) Female orgasmic ability is an evolutionary byproduct of male orgasmic ability, with no separate function of its own.

(c) Offspring of orgasmic women are more fertile.

5. Which outré sex act was only recently outlawed in California?

(a) Sex with dead people

(b) Sex with animals

(c) Sex between adult siblings

6. Scientists doing autism research stumbled on which intriguing fact?

(a) Monkeys would rather watch porn than eat.

(b) Humans are aroused by monkey porn.

(c) Monkeys will pay to see monkey porn.

7. After officials in several states noticed that a bizarre benefit was being provided to certain citizens, a federal agency informed all states that they were no longer obligated to provide which unlikely substance to which recipients?

(a) Viagra to sex offenders

(b) Herbal aphrodisiacs to Medicaid patients

(c) Birth control pills to prison inmates

8. Which old sex-research controversy, long since sunk into obscurity, suddenly reemerged this year?

(a) Whether Sigmund Freud betrayed his female patients who reported being abused as children

(b) How Shere Hite concluded that most women are unhappy with their sex lives

(c) Whether Alfred Kinsey passed off advocacy as hard science

9. People have long wondered why male homosexuality has not been bred out of the population. Which genetic link, discovered by Italian researchers, might explain this?

(a) The same gene that may promote fertility in women may also predispose their male relatives to homosexuality.

(b) Genes that predispose men to homosexuality are also linked to male attractiveness.

(c) Women who carry the male-homosexuality gene are also predisposed to having many male partners.

10. Which new treatment for men who complain of small penis size has been shown to work?

(a) Laser phalloplasty

(b) Remeasurement and a stern talking-to by a sex educator

(c) Gradual stretching on a racklike device

Andrea Nemerson is the Bay Guardian's sex columnist. Reach her at andrea@altsexcolumn.com (but do NOT send quiz answers to this address!).