Swear an oaf
DEAR ANDREA: After several bad relationships, I started seeing someone who is into "playful" spanking. The first time she spanked me was in the street. I told her it made me want to hit her. She seemed to really like it, though, so I said OK, just not in public. I went over to her place one day. She seemed really happy to see me, and she was giggling and spanking me. I rolled with it, thinking it was kind of funny.
Then later, lying in bed, she spanked me again. I said, "Don't do that," in a very clear and stern way. Then she spanked me again. I hit her in the head. Then she hit me in the head. This pretty much killed things, and now I'm just about totally destroyed as far as being able to feel anything t oward anyone.
I'm unhappy with myself for hitting her but also angry at her for spanking me again. I tried to work things out with her, but she seemed barely able to understand my side of things. She implied that I would hit our kids. She works as a dominatrix and seems very businesslike about her job. But aren't there safety words or something like that? Doesn't no mean no? Should I have begged her not to hit me?
Love, Spankmonkey
Dear Spanky: Gag, gross, no. Of course you should not have begged her. You should have grabbed her wrist and lowered her hitting-hand back onto the bed, while saying, very clearly, "I told you I didn't want you to spank me. If you can't respect that, I'm leaving." Of course, in order for something like that to work, you would first have to not be a wishy-washy wash-rag who at first rolls with the spanking and then changes his mind. She might be a bit of a bitch, but you do understand that from her perspective you were a total psycho, don't you?
Whatever your internal process (which appears to have little to do with what you want and whom you like and everything to do with wanting desperately – and rather unattractively – to be liked), your outward behavior was, "Oh please, don't throw me in the briar patch, Miz Dominatrix!" pretty much from the get-go. She couldn't read your mind, and then you hit her in the head. Doesn't no mean no, you ask? Indeed it does. For everyone involved.
Love, Andrea
Dear Andrea: Things are going well with my boyfriend, except that he is too rough in bed. He penetrates too deeply and too hard. He is also rough with his fingers and mouth. I have noticed tears a few times on the edge of my vagina. I get really freaked out afterward when I see what it looks like down there. Does it make me more prone to infection? I have brought this up to him a few times, and he says he feels bad and doesn't want to hurt me, but I'm not sure if he really understands. I am not always sore afterward, but at least half the time I am. I have a serious problem with confrontation (especially in the bedroom) so it makes these things hard to talk about. Is this something I should end the relationship over?
Love, Sore Loser
Dear Sore: Poor guy. He's not a brute; he's just some sort of lummox, or perhaps an oaf. He doesn't know his own strength, plus, he is not so smart. He means no harm, though, and if you like him I see no reason why you should have to lose him over this. Nor, of course, do I see why you should have to poke around checking for damage and holding cold compresses to your nethers every time he's done with you.
See, I'm imagining you emitting tiny squeaks of dismay every time he handles you roughly and maybe passing him neatly folded little notes that say, "Ouch." Speak up! He's bare ly registering your complaints, if indeed you're making any, and then later you say, "Too rough," and he says, "Sorry," and then you both let it happen all over again. You don't want to be a wishy-washy dishrag like Spanky up there, do you? Lummox-boy is not going to shape up on his own. The good news is you probably don't have to hit him in the head.
Of course an open wound will make you more prone to infection, although if he isn't carrying anything he can't give it to you no matter how clumsily he goes at it. I suggest putting him on notice that you intend to stop him the next time it hurts and show him some alternative moves. You don't have to put on a show – just ask him to start with the gentlest, most lubed-up touch he can manage and move up from there till you say "when." If he's actually concerned about hurting you and wants to do better, he will be motivated to pay attention. If he isn't ... well, what are you doing there?
Love, Andrea
E-mail Andrea Nemerson at andrea@ altsexcolumn.com.