alt.sex.column

by andrea nemerson

Swing shift

DEAR ANDREA: My husband started a fantasy thing involving me being promiscuous and telling him what happened in detail. At first it was too much for me, but after a while it started to turn me on more and more. More recently, he has urged me to "play around" with someone. He wants me to tell him all about everything and also say, "I love you and only you." I said no, but secretly the thought of being with certain other men turned me on.

Then, six months ago, I went to Europe and met a younger guy. I am usually not so taken by looks, but I was on my own and the attraction was overwhelming. I had the most exciting sex I have ever had in my life. I spent every moment I could with him, and when I spoke with my husband by phone, I could not bring myself to talk about it. If I told the truth, he would be insulted and hurt, I'm sure. Thinking about it is what turns me on now, and I think I might have fallen in love! My lover wants me to come back to Europe or to visit me here. What should I tell my husband? I could lie and tell him just a little bit of what happened but not the entire truth. I know he would be turned on, but it doesn't turn me on now to tell him because I would be lying, even though I was already lying when I told him nothing happened! I actually kept one of my European lover's sweatshirts and breathe in his smell. I am making excuses not to have sex, but I masturbate much more. What should I tell my husband?

Love, Fantasy Came True

Dear True: Anything but that. Your poor cuckolded husband ought to have been careful what he wished for, but, to be fair, he hardly wished for this. All he wanted was to cast you in a porno of the mind – he just wanted the image of you getting it on with a faceless other. He certainly did not have in mind sharing you with some Fernando Lamas type with the smoldering eyes and the leetle, shiny European underwear. I think he would be particularly unprepared to hear about the part where you and Fernando run away together to spend your nights drinking rioja while an old gypsy strums the guitar so you can dance and, um, break plates or something. Not what he had in mind at all.

I don't think what you did on your summer vacation has much at all to do with the fantasy life you used to share with your husband, frankly. I think you were bored and had an affair with an attractive stranger while far from home. It happens, but don't delude yourself that there is any part of this that can be salvaged to fix your faltering love life with Hubby. I am equally unconvinced that you are really "in love" with Fernando. You barely know the guy. You had a bunch of great sex, and you got to step out of your humdrum life and into somebody else's – Audrey Hepburn's or Jean Seberg's, perhaps – very briefly. If you think that's enough to throw over a long-term husband, along with most of your family and friends, go ahead. Just don't bother to buy a round-trip ticket.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: Why do more women than men want to have an open relationship? My ex couldn't get "enough" from our relationship, so now he's swinging with other women. One in particular is married. She swings, her husband swings. How do these people trust one another?

Love, Not Swinging

Dear Swing: Who says they do?

There isn't a whole lot of research on this (who would fund it?), but the common understanding is certainly nothing like yours. As the story is usually told, it's the man who pushes for an open relationship or swing parties or whatever and the woman who demurs and drags her feet and then agrees just to keep her partner happy. And then they go, and the woman gets 10 zillion propositions while the man just stands around in his Jockeys, and then they go home and have a big fight: "You weren't supposed to have more fun than me! No fairsies!" That's the cartoon version, anyway.

Husband and wife do not have to amass precisely equivalent numbers of partners in order for this sort of arrangement to work, but they do have to at least sort of start out on the same page. I can't tell you how "these people" manage to trust each other, or even if they do, but I can tell you that people reach all sorts of mutually satisfactory agreements. Notice the "mutually" part – since it sounds like you're just sitting there grousing while he swings like a pendulum. I don't see this going anywhere good. Unless both partners are OK with it, it isn't swinging. It's just cheating.

Love, Andrea E-mail Andrea Nemerson at andrea@altsexcolumn.com.