By Marke B.

HOLD UP A damn minute; you mean I'm actually supposed to be talking about clubs in this column? Here I've been the past month, all concerning myself with love and politics, when what you really want from me is dirt – especially queer dirt. Let me assure you: I'm here for you. There's just too much going on in the scene right now to leave you hanging round the house watching your crotchless panties dry on the shower curtain rod. So let's get down to business and take a few calls from you listeners out there in Crisco Discoland:

"What's up, this is Marke B. You're live on KEGO, all-underground queer club radio. How ya livin'?"

"Yo yo, wassup, Marke B.? This is Thumper. Listen, I been all around the underground, and I need something new in my life. Shit's startin' to smell staler than a drag queen's day-old tuck tape. Can you tell me where I can find a fresh groove?"

"Hey, Thumper! You got two brand-new things to check out. The first is my girl Princess Kennedy's gig at Supperclub, the awesomely chichi new restaurant-club down on Harrison Street. She hosts the party every Tuesday and Saturday, and the bitch tears it up in style. If you're more a ripped-jeans-and-no-shirt gay, hit up the new Dirty at the Stud on Saturdays, which they just put up to replace the infamous, dearly departed Sugar club there. It's cute. And hell, if you can't get some sugar, you gotta get some dirty, I always say. Good luck, baby! Hello, caller. You're live on KEGO."

"Ooh, girl. I heard something. I heard the last time you got a piece of ass was when your fingernail poked through the toilet paper. That true?"

"Bitch, you know it's just my man's in New York City for the week, checking out that new joint from the Body and Soul kids. Besides, I've always got some saved in my kitty for a rainy day, know what I mean? Now, you got a real question for me or what?"

"Yeah, I got this dyke friend who hasn't got it on in ages. I mean, she's so cold down there it's like Exxon should be drilling it for oil. How can I help her lay out the welcome mat so some hot-to-twat girls come and ring her bell?"

"Are you kidding? Haul her frigid ass down to Studio Z for the upcoming Lusty Lady Holiday Party on December 10. Kitty, Pepper, Sinamon, Winnepoona, and all the hot bi stripper gals will be on hand to get her juices flowing. But first hit up the fab new lesbo hot spot Chaise Lounge in Bernal Heights. She may need a little cocktail lubricant first. Happy trails! Hello caller, this is Marke B. gettin' live with you on KEGO."

"Yeah, what the fuck's this I hear about you climbing all up on my man at the Miss Trannyshack Pageant two weeks ago, motherfucker?"

"Oh, that? Listen, I needed to see over all those big glitter beehives in my way so I could catch Anna Conda's stepping-down number. They don't let me backstage anymore since that incident with the butane lighter and beaver suit. Miss Conda tore it up with her 'I Am the Fly in the Ointment' routine, smashing those piñatas of George W. Bush and Condoleezza Rice. And your man's big and strong, right? So I just kindly asked him to hold me up for a minute to look."

"Yeah, I heard it was for more than a minute, though."

"Well, you know I had to catch Miss Juanita 'Ma Rainey' More's number too. And then CoCo Canal's. And then Faux Pas's. And then I needed him to hold me up in bed the next morning, to check outside my window and make sure you weren't waiting with a baseball bat. Whoops, my bad. Next!"

"Marke B., it's comin' up on me and my boo's one-month anniversary, and I wanna take him somewhere special to celebrate. Problem is, my banged-up Civic's in the shop, and I'm hella low in the dough department. You know where I can score us a nice ride?"

"Hell, yes. I can hook you up with a limo van for free. The EndUp's got this crazy deal right now where they pick you up from the Castro and shuttle your ass down to Fag Fridays and the Power Exchange sex club. Plus you get a reduced cover at both joints, so you can afford to buy some jewelry when your baby freaks because he caught you blowing some scag upstairs in the Power Exchange's pup tent room. And I heard the limo driver's nothing to sneeze out your stash at, neither. Happy anniversary!

"Well, queens, that's all we have time for right now. We'll be right back after this quick message from our sponsor, Scary Mary's House of Sideways Haircuts, in SoMa. Scary Mary's: Look like a crack whore or your fauxhawk's on us."

Supperclub. Daily, 8 p.m.-2 a.m., 657 Harrison, SF. Cover varies. (415) 348-0900, www.supperclub.nl/sanfrancisco.

Dirt. Sat., 10 p.m.-4 a.m., the Stud, 399 Ninth St., SF. $5. (415) 252-7883, www.studsf.com.

Lusty Lady Holiday Party. Dec. 10, 9 p.m.-2 a.m., Studio Z, 314 11th St., SF. $20 sliding scale. (415) 252-7666.

Chaise Lounge. Mon.-Thurs., 5 p.m.-2 a.m.; Fri.-Sun., 3 p.m.-2 a.m., 309 Cortland, SF. Call for price. (415) 401-0952.

For more info on the EndUp-Power Exchange shuttle bus, go to www.theendup.com.

E-mail Marke B. at superego@sfbg.com.