San Francisco (re)visited

Taking your holiday guests off the beaten path.

By Forrest Caskey

STASH YOUR PORN . Lock up your recreational paraphernalia. Do your deep-breathing exercises. Your home is about to be ransacked, your hygiene and roommates scrutinized, and your psychic space invaded by anxious inquiries about your life path. That's because it's holiday time, and your family is coming to visit. Or rather, mine is.

I guess I could say I've been lucky. My Louisiana relations shun the cold and have come to visit me a whopping once since I moved here. They'd never have dreamed of spending their holidays away from the BBQs, the T-shirt weather, and the warm Southern sun.

This year, however, there's been a change of plans. Many of my relatives lost their homes to Katrina, and my mother has taken up camp at my sister's in Seattle – inspiring some puzzlement over why a person escaping water would head to the damp Northwest. Be that as it may, she's there, and she's one of those visitors who could eat three meals a day at the Hard Rock Café – between a triathlon of walking, bus, and boat tours. She once embarked on a colored-fanny-pack collection before being forcibly halted via family intervention, and she has a pastel inventory of touristically themed sweatshirts.

All in all, it was not a surprise when my sister called the other day to inform me that her levees of patience had broken, and to beg me to take in the family for the holidays. I agreed and immediately started brainstorming an agenda for the week.

Because, of course, the best way to keep the fam from stumbling over your sex toys is to keep them happily occupied. There's only so much time in the day you can spend getting free meals and going on Costco shopping sprees. Soon enough, if you don't make other arrangements, you might find yourself ambling along that rote tour of San Francisco scripted into every verse of touristic lore. Fisherman's Wharf ... Grant Street ... San Francisco Center ... another pastel sweatshirt to throw in the valise. But you have the power to avert that fate – by designing your own personal tour and letting your family see a little of the city you know and adore.

Stop no. 1 While the view of the bay is lovely, walking through Fisherman's Wharf mostly makes me not want to reproduce. However, a trip to San Francisco's treasured theme park for consumers and sea lion enthusiasts might be inevitable if your family's caught wind of its existence. And actually that's OK: After all, San Francisco's beloved Musée Mécanique lives there now (Embarcadero at Pier 45, SF. 415-346-2000). Settled into its bayside home after years at Ocean Beach, the antique arcade spans generations of games and gadgets that might evoke distant childhood memories for some family members.

After you've spent your pocket change on creepy mechanical fortune-tellers and old-timey girlie films, look for that other wharfside institution, the Bush Man, whom you'll likely find hiding behind a self-made shrub on Jefferson Street between Taylor and Jones. When a group of unsuspecting tourists – i.e., your relatives – passes by, he'll peer out from between the branches and say, "Boo." He's not even close to the scariest tourist attraction down there, but in the originality category, the Bush Man's got them all beat.

Stop no. 2 If you're interested in scheduling a tour within your tour, there are plenty of guided and self-guided options. But if you want to impress the crap out of your parents, make a preparatory visit to the San Francisco Museum and Historical Society's Web site (www.sfhistory.org) and its Barbary Coast Trail page. The next guided tour (which wanders through North Beach and bits of the Financial District) isn't until Jan. 14, but you can crib plenty of info from the "interactive" map. Then download a regular old tour map and you're ready to lead your folks through San Francisco's seedy past.

Stop no. 3 Shopping, clearly inevitable, does not have to involve Union Square or even the hippie nostalgia of Haight Street. Try Hayes Valley, with its corridor of boutiques along Hayes Street and offshoots Laguna and Octavia; the Inner Sunset (see "Shopping the Ninth Street/Irving Nexus," page 41); and of course, the Mission, where you can combine material pursuits with an informal mural tour (highlighting Valencia Street's Clarion Alley, between 17th and 18th Streets; Balmy Alley, off 24th Street between Treat and Harrison; and the Women's Building, on 18th Street between Valencia and Guerrero). Soon enough it'll be time for tacos, margaritas, and a mariachi serenade at Puerto Alegre (546 Valencia, SF. 415-255-8201), or pupusas and other Salvadoran treats at Balompie (3349 18th St., SF. 415-648-9199).

Stop no. 4 You've shown your family Laughing Sal's new home at the piers; now take them out to Ocean Beach to mourn the Musée's faded origins. If it's time for a wee cocktail, you can stop at the newly fabulous (and still overrun by tourists) Cliff House, which annexed the old Musée grounds. Otherwise lead them down to the ruins of the Sutro Baths, once a premier bathing spot for San Francisco pleasure seekers, now an ocean- and rainwater-filled stone foundation with a priceless view of the Pacific. When you're done pondering the ruins' creepy romance, take your folks up the hill to Louis' diner (902 Point Lobos, SF. 415-387-6330) for a nice, hot cocoa; a poster near the entrance ($10) shows the baths in their heyday.

Stop no. 5 One of San Francisco's lovely anomalies is how easy it is to lose yourself hiking within city limits. A mostly flat wooded trail above the ruins leads past Sutro Heights Park and along the headland to Land's End. (Adventurous sorts can cut down the cliffside along small paths through the trees, descending onto a tiny, rocky beach below.) Beyond, if everyone's up for a longer stroll, lie China Beach, the ritzy Seacliff neighborhood, and eventually gorgeous Baker Beach, with its view of the Golden Gate Bridge.

Stop no. 6 Back inland, high above the Castro and the Haight, the wooded pathways of Buena Vista Park and craggy Corona Heights, with its irreproachable view of the city, make for another good hike – via numerous steep streets and the pretty, garden-lined stairways that tourists rarely see. Time allowing, the best thing to do is just get yourself to Castro and Market, set your sights on the red rocks of Corona Heights, and wander upward (perhaps with a map stuffed in your pocket). It's not a bad neighborhood to get a little lost in – just keep an eye out for the exceptionally pretty Saturn and Vulcan stairways. (Closer to downtown, the mammoth Filbert Steps lead from Sansome Street to Telegraph Hill, where more magnificent city views await, as well as statues and art deco sculpted gardens.)

Stop no. 7 On my tour the point of all these hikes is, naturally, to tire everyone else out, leaving me free to enjoy my sacred nightlife. However, if the folks persist on into the evening, give them a truly San Franciscan experience and take them to Asia SF (201 Ninth St., SF. 415-255-2742) for a nice meal and a nice clean drag queen show. Or, treat them to a film at the Castro Theatre (429 Castro, SF. 415-621-6120). You're probably used to the organ guy and the gorgeous, gilded setting by now, but your family from Megaplexopolis might not be so blasé about watching Mommie Dearest or Singing in the Rain in such a setting – not to mention the rowdy antics of your typical camp-loving Castro audience.

Stop no. 8 Perhaps Mom's a bit hungover from her night on the town. A cure awaits her at Dottie's True Blue Café (522 Jones, SF. 415-885-2767). The tasty breakfast food is matched by a decor favoring handmade tea kettle chandeliers and tabletops adorned by early-20th-century divas. She, and the rest of the family, will probably agree that you've done right by them this time.

Or, toss this tour and engineer one that's completely your own. However you plan it, though, make sure your family's experience strays from the norm, as befits the city they've come to visit.