Give 'em what they really want this holiday season: porn

By Marke B.

WITH THE INTERNET boom, a well-established studio system, and more potential stars than you can shake a Jackson at, the porn industry is as Californian as marijuana pie – and it's cashing in on Christmas like the rest of us. Why not take advantage of the quality local bounty this holiday season and show your love with porn? Yes, you heard right, folks: This is your chance to get a unique, one-of-a-kind, handcrafted-right-here-in-California gift to delight the young(ish) ones, your relatives, or even someone special. Curl up in front of the roaring fire, slip on one of these babies, and have anything but a silent night.

Santa's Cummin'! (TLA, 1996) Donkey-schlonged gay porn idol Jeff Stryker stars in (and directs!) this holiday tale of a Santa whose lap everyone wants to sit in. A bellyful of naughty boys makes nice to Stryker's well-licked candy cane, but save room for the ham! There's more than enough to go around in this '90s camp classic.

Jingle Balls (Vivid, 2004) Are those sleigh bells we hear on these young ladies' rooftops? Nope. It's just the merry sound of Sunrise Adams, Lezley Zen, and many, many others jingling all the way, taking whatever route presents itself to get to where they wanna go – presumably not poor Grandma's house. Whether they're dashing through the blow or sleighing one-horse open, these Christmas nymphos fill your screen with all the tickle and tumult of the season, without bagging you down in schmaltz. I'd like to make a joke about the nutcracker here, but ouch ...

I Saw Mommy Eating Santa Claus (Heatwave Entertainment, 2005) Those extra holiday pounds are so hard to shed! These large, lusty ladies, however, are interested only in shedding their clothes to reveal the burning hunger within. As one plot synopsis puts it, "Mommy gave Santa head! Santa spreads the joy! Mommy chugs it down." And they don't mean the milk you leave out with cookies for old St. Nick, neither. Monica Blewinsky, Jade, and others pitch in for the big buffet.

Hole Sweet Hole (Raging Stallion, 2005) Think your boyfriend's a tight ass? Give him the gift that'll keep on giving: gay fisting porn. The boys of Raging Stallion are home for the holidays, and they're up to their elbows in fun – sprawled cozily across the hearth, grasping at life's little intimacies. While it's not specifically Christmas-themed (alas, there's no "Merry Fistmas" in the back catalog), after viewing this, your man will be in the mood for anything. Loosen him up on the couch while these heart-warming studs take you through it.

Very Very Bad Santa (Loaded Digital, 2004) While it's true that Christians are horny as hell, the porn industry has yet to cash in on the many multicultural opportunities Hanukkah presents. ("Lighting the Man-Oral" and "Spin My Dreidel" are two possible titles that spring to mind – and let's not forget that Hanukkah bush!) Still, if you're rooting for the Maccabees, nothing says "chosen" like the sight of porn's number-one mensch Ron Jeremy dressed in a fur cap and shiny boots, sliding his sack of goodies up naughty elf Anna Nova's chimney. What a blintz!

Once You Go Black #57 – Dreaming of a Black XXXMAS (VT Media, 2002) African American "special presents" Byron Long and Stephen St. Jox play fantasy stud to a bunch of skinny sugar plums who dream loudly of something bigger. And you thought your Uncle Frank was racist! The DVD doesn't mention Kwanzaa (thank god), but you can hang this one on the well-hung stereotype tree, right next to "pretty Asian angel" and "uncut teen Czech surfer."

'Rican Christmas (Latin Connection, 1995) Knock, knock. Who's there? Horny Puerto Ricans! Continuing in the multicultural vein, we now turn to New York City, where the eggnog is swimming with willing Puerto Ricans and the living rooms are brimming with uncut tree trunks. There may be 12 days of Christmas, but this baker's dozen of Latin Connection hunks gives you one to put the star on top, even with their boughs of holly on the down-low. Whose wish list doesn't include a gay brown Christmas sextravaganza?

The Tits That Saved XXX-mas (Big Video 2003) Forget Rudolph's glimmering honker and the perilous efforts of Hermey the Dentist; what Santa really needed was a nice big pair of fake jugs. Four pairs, to be exact. When Mrs. Claus doesn't measure up, Kiki Dare, Chloe Dior, Rebecca Love, and Ana Devine "bust up" the marriage to make sure Santa's stoked for his annual round. The girls may have racks like reindeer, but the many scenes with dialogue will "sleigh" you.

Special thanks to the diligent clerks at Superstar Video in the Castro for their kind suggestions.