cheap eats

by l.e. leone

Jung at heart

I WAS SURPRISED by the number of nonreaders who responded to my "scientific study" a couple weeks ago, where I asked (in this column) that people who "never ever" even look at this column, "not even very very occasionally," e-mail me and let me know.

Just when I was sort of starting to stop believing in the Collective Unconscious! I wish Jung was still kicking, so I could share my results with him: three people.

Two of the three even intuited my new e-mail address. One admitted she scans the page to see if I happen to have anything of any nutritional value to offer that week. Cynics and skeptics will say they all peeked, but to me this whole thing is pretty much . . . Santa Claus. It's like a Christmas story. Yes, Virginia, there is a Collective Unconscious! I know, because you only need one miracle, so long as you witness it firsthand and can rely on your senses.

Well, I haven't smoked anything in almost a week; I've even been drinking less than usual. And the thing is that, get this: One of the two of the three alleged nonreaders implied in his letter that I should be "put out to pasture." Which proves he really doesn't read me anymore, or he'd know that I have been "out to pasture" for a long time now. What's my favorite thing in the world to do these days?

CHORUS OF CHEAP EATS READERS: Scratch around outside with the chickens!

That's right, when I'm not eating (which I still do at a table) or shitting (which I still do in a toilet) or taking a bath (which ... well, I do occasionally take dust baths, but generally I still use the tub). And I still play people sports on weekends. But other than that, as you know, my waking hours are spent hanging with the girls. Soaking up sun, when there is sun to soak. When they cluck, I sing. When they preen, I pluck. When they peck, I peck. And if that ain't "out to pasture" –

Hey, wait. Maybe he means I should start hanging with cows and sheep, instead of chickens. But that's just fear of death talking. I've already accepted the fact that, given all of the above, I'm pretty much destined to go down as the Paul Revere of avian flu in California. That's how you'll know when it arrives: I'll be the first to go down.

Speaking of which, before I blab foolishly to the bottom of the page, I wanted to wax foodish at least a little by way of saying thank you, I love you, to my three e-mailers for restoring in me a flicker of juju, just in time for the holidays. I am hereby "in the spirit."

Szechuan Second Restaurant is a well-lit, underheated gem of a Chinese dive on Ellis between Larkin and Hyde. Me and Earl Butter walked past it between Vietnamese sandwiches a couple weeks ago, and then me and Wayway went by last week on our way to Mangosteen, and we'd have gone in, but I'd promised Earl Butter. So this time all three of us made an actual plan: Dinner! And Farino, who lives just up the street somewhere and can now kick my ass at Ping-Pong – at least outside in the dark at the Parkside – he joined us too.

We got Szechuan scallops ($8.25). That was good and spicy, which we needed, it was so cold in there. And oniony. And delicious. There were clams with black bean sauce ($7.75). That was great, too. Black bean sauce is always a good call, and the clams, in the shell, were big and juicy and gingery.

I also liked the bitter melon beef ($6.25). The beef was tender and succulent, and the bitter melon ... well, it was bitter, and not particularly melony. And there was steamed tofu with shredded pork ($5.25). I'm still trying to like tofu. It's not working.

You know how I feel about pork.

But my favorite dish of all, I think, was from the vegetable menu. It was pea sprouts with garlic ($5.00). I don't think I've ever had pea sprouts before, and I'll bet you a lot of money that I have them again. They're a great green. Here's why: They're great, and they're green.

Pork pot stickers ($4.25). Probably denser and fried-er than you're used to, but I liked them.

OK? Oh, and the waiterguyperson didn't speak a lick of English, not even numbers. You have to point to the Chinese characters in front of what you want. Oh, and you can park there. There's a parking lot! In the Tenderloin! OK.

Szechuan Second Restaurant. 655 Ellis (at Larkin), SF. (415) 346-2823. Daily: 11 a.m.-9:30 p.m. Takeout available. MasterCard, Visa. Beer. Wheelchair accessible. E-mail L.E. Leone at le_chicken_farmer@yahoo.com.