By Marke B.

ARE YA FREAKIN' out yet? It's that time of year, "the holidays," with all its attendant whoosh and frazzle, when club kids like us have to finally face the dire facts of family (blood- or bar-related) and their cuddly spawn. Many are worked up into a frenzy about what to give an 11-year-old boy that won't make them seem too perverted. (Hint: no Condoleezza Rice blow-up dolls. I found out the hard way.) Others nervously envision running out of Xanax, as a raft of blitzed bald uncles asks them why they don't have girlfriends. And then there's all that visible confrontation with what your elder self might look like, especially if you don't lay off the sauced-up eggnog. Oh, it's a magical time. Whatever happened to silent nights spent waltzing with imaginary sugarplum fairies?

Plus, there's the huge onslaught of fabulous parties. There's just too gull-dang many. At one of the eight bars I went to last Saturday, I misremember which one exactly (ah, the titubating life of a club columnist), I must have looked like a tweaker hooker caught in the squad car's headlights. A dear friend approached me with a much-needed shot of Fernet, saying, "Girl, you look like too many things. Gulp this down and close your eyes a little." Whew!

But you're way too busy trying on goofy holiday outfits to be troubled with lil' ol' me and my lil' ol' "alleged" drinking problem. I've got a (dubious) job to do, which is to guide you through the season in winning style. Here are my first-round draft picks for upcoming holiday and New Year's parties. If you see me passed out in a velvet booth somewhere, please just throw a fake-fur coat over my dribbly ass and try to keep it to yourself, 'k?

Why don't we start where everything ends: death. That's a tad severe! But I gotta admit I love the goth kids (mostly because it's so unpopular to do so), and the Death Guild Christmas Night Party at DNA Lounge is one ghouly get-down no one stuck in the city for Christmas should miss. Death Guild's the Bay Area goth scene's ground zero, which has been going on every Monday night for well nigh a decade. Now that goths have a sense of humor and are adding synth pop oddities to their delectably morbid purview, the Christmas-night party promises to be a true Tim Burton-esque romp. They'll kill me for saying that.

Speaking of too much makeup: I've been a fan of postapocalyptic drag-cabaret act Kiki and Herb since they were young pups gadding about Josie's Cabaret in the Castro. (That's right, the Castro used to have a cabaret. I can only imagine what they'd be showing nowadays. "The Manhunt Follies"? "36 Hours at Pottery Barn: The Musical"? "Songs of Squealing Cell Queens"?) Kiki's a well-salted, boozy chanteuse who rips psychotically into rusty renditions of current pop songs. And Herb is her ... pianist. They're performing two shows on New Year's Eve at the Herbst Theatre, and all the cool kids are going – so there.

Where they're going afterward is still a bit up in the air. So far there's high-flyin' drag diva Miss Juanita More's "official Kiki and Herb after-party" New Year's celebration at the long-neglected Mars Bar, with DJ Pinky Ring and Derek B., and enough hip, gyrating young men to drop your balloon. But, did someone say "bouncy castle"? Gay promoters Jeff and Gary, the guys behind clubs like Drunk and Horny at Underground SF (and infinite scandalous hot-tub after-parties) are taking over Pound-SF that night as well, promising a huge carnival-like atmosphere and all-night orgiastic bacchanalia with an even younger hip, gyrating crowd. Best bet is to go to both parties and get two eyefuls. But for gad sakes, don't drive. And don't get in the bouncy castle after any champagne cocktails!

There's a ton more great parties, of course. Stay tuned for more picks in a couple of weeks. See ya in the slush!

Death Guild Christmas Night Party takes place Dec. 25, 9:30 p.m.-closing, DNA Lounge, 375 11th St., SF. $5. (415) 626-1409, www.deathguild.com.

Death Guild takes place Mondays, 9:30 p.m.-2:30 a.m., Glas Kat, 520 Fourth St., SF. $5. (415) 495-6620, www.glaskat.com.

Kiki and Herb 'Resurrection Tour' New Year's Eve takes place Dec. 31, 7 and 10 p.m., Herbst Theatre, 401 Van Ness, SF. Call for price. (415) 392-4400, www.kikiandherb.com.

Juanita More New Year's Eve Party 2006 takes place Dec. 31, 9 p.m.-closing, Mars Bar, 798 Brannan, SF. $15 advance, $25 door. (415) 621-6277, www.juanitamore.com.

Drunk and Horny New Year's Eve takes place Dec. 31, 9 p.m.-closing, Pound-SF, 100 Cargo Way, SF. $20 advance, $25 door. (415) 826-9605, www.drunkandhorny.net.

E-mail Marke B. at superego@sfbg.com.