double team psychic dream

by michelle tea and jessica lanyadoo

Dec. 21-27

Aries (March 21-April 19)

There's always a good reason to get wasted, Aries. And this week threatens to put you in close proximity with people you love and want to party with as well as people you loathe and would like to drink to forget. Noble urges, both of them, but we'd be irresponsible psychics if we didn't prescribe moderation on all fronts for you, dearie.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Treat yourself like a delicate flower this week, Taurus. It might be a stupid time to give such advice, but all the more reason to give it: The coming days could be a whirlwind, and it's up to you not to overtax yourself. Stay checked in with your needs and you might even have a good time.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

We know you hate when we remind you that you have emotions, Gemini, but if you stayed in touch with them, we wouldn't have to. This week's special emotion is scarcity. It's like all you got for the holidays was a nicely wrapped box of what-ifs. We say return that shit to the store and guard against overstimulating yourself. It'll only exacerbate anxiety.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Cancer, everyone is having a wonky holiday. You're not being singled out and punished by life. People's egos are getting punctured, and there's a cloud of disappointment shooting bad vibes down at everyone. We see that your good intentions got smacked down; stay rooted in your best hopes, and don't plot revenge.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

For the holidays, Leo, we are gifting you with a pair of boots fashioned from pure will. They're quite heavy and purposeful and will keep you cheerfully grounded at all times. Please enjoy them. You're the only one not having a gloomy holiday, and we say max out your good fortune and look into getting laid.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

So often, Virgo, the generic revolutionary stance is "No!" And we know you people are true revolutionaries. We also know that deep in your heart you've become a bit weary of shouting "No!" all the time. We're happy to tell you that this week you can find a way to holler a seriously revolutionary "Yes!"

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Libra, this week it's the age-old struggle between good and evil. When things crap out on you, do you turn into a screaming brat, or do you stay connected to that love and strength you've got inside? You can pout, or you can feel proud that the universe has given you the opportunity to rise to a heroic occasion.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Scorpio, you can't control your family. Imagine if you could! Huge industries – therapists, self-help gurus – would be out of business in a flash. As for all the nonfamily people around you, you can't control them either. Bummer. You can only control yourself this week, so do your best to stay in control, OK?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You are so over this holiday bullshit, Sag. Really, you're not that into it, and you're sort of exhausted. And yet you're maintaining a positive attitude, and you're charming the pants off people with your patented Sagittarian gregariousness. You fools can't help being the life of the party, even when you'd rather be in bed.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

For the holidays, Capricorn, you've been gifted with a magnifying vision. It's quite powerful, and you must read the instruction manual! Put simply, whatever you focus on this week will become insanely magnified. We hope you'll set your sights on the positive and inflate the good in your life.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You're often running around in circles, Aquarius, but generally there's a purpose to your scurrying. Not this week. You're just dashing around like a directionless lunatic. You've simply got to take a breath and do what's necessary to achieve some inner balance. Your brain is a weapon; shut it down and lean on your emotions.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Pisces, we have a gift for you. It's the handy number four. When you find yourself floating away from yourself – it happens, right? – we'd like you to visualize yourself as the number four. Don't act like you're too cool for visualization, either. The more you think of yourself as a four, the more solid and sure-footed you'll be this week.

Award-winning writer Michelle Tea and intuitive counselor Jessica Lanyadoo have been fraternizing with fate together for the past seven years. Call Lanyadoo for an astrology or tarot reading at (415) 336-8354. Write to Double Team at lovedoubleteam@hotmail.com.