The grossest and tackiest moments in queer 2005.

By Marke B.

THE LGBT COMMUNITY got slammed this year – the HIV superinfection threat sparked a panicked overreaction from health authorities, syphilis infection rates skyrocketed, the pope brought back the Inquisition with a graceful flash of his crimson robes, and even gay folks with no interest whatsoever in state-recognized matrimony had to weather the backlash against tentative gains made in that area.

And then, you know, that whole four-more-years-of-Bush thing. But there was some good stuff. Recent figures from the San Francisco Department of Public Health indicate that meth use by gay men here may be down by as much as 50 percent and that HIV infection rates among men who have sex with men in the Bay Area have leveled off and may even be declining. And, hey! We can get married in Canada and Spain now.

The last thing the community probably needs is more acrimony from within. Still, some queer folks need to be called on their shit – especially when it's kind of stupid. Thus, we proudly present the first Bay Guardian Lamebow Awards – our look at some of the more head-scratching gay moments of 2005. Viva los faggots!

The "Say What, Sister?" Double Take Award: Once again, hyperactive gay conservative pundit Andrew Sullivan (www.andrewsullivan.com) takes the cake. His "Look at me America, I'm an ex-barebacking Tory with a blog!" act reached a new nadir of tiredness this year when the New Republic published his truly twisted "The End of Gay Culture" essay, in which he argued (to straight conservatives) that the gay community was too diverse to be considered a unified hegemony and that AIDS had brought the gay community more visibility. Fair enough (and a point made countless times, like back in the '80s). But then, bewilderingly, he went on to argue that gay culture is stronger than ever because it's being integrated into the mainstream and that the argument between "assimilationists" and "separatists" has "fizzled."

"After all, what separates homosexuals and lesbians from every other minority group is that they are born and raised within the bosom of the majority," he wrote. The girl needs to take his lily-white ass out to the homeless youth shelter more often. On top of all that, he actually opened his odd rant with a quote from the Pet Shop Boys song "The Survivors." Way to breathe, no breath.

The Too Tacky for Words Award: Yes, we're all kind of happy that Britain finally OK'd civil unions in November. But did Gay.com really have to project a three-story-high ad on the Houses of Parliament to celebrate? Really, really tacky.

The Too Creepy for Words Award: In the wake of the HIV superinfection scandal, many gay-community personalities took the opportunity to upbraid gays for our "bad behavior" – barebacking, meth use, and numbing ourselves on the Internet. This was a much-needed moment of open-minded self-examination. But the solutions many loudly and bravely proposed crossed the line into complete cuckoo. Best among them was Larry Kramer's public campaign to end unsafe sexual behavior by reviving frottage – the act of rubbing against one another to reach orgasm. Gross. Have you seen Larry Kramer?

HIV Ad of the Year: It's been a banner year for HIV meds ads, from horrendously gigantic online layover ads that you can't close, to targeted mail campaigns featuring talking cards in which a buff, half-naked white hunk tells you he'd like to tell you all about the benefits of the new protease inhibitors, but he can't, because, "Hey dude, we're all at the beach!" HIV is so fun!

But the year really kicked off with a bang when the Food and Drug Administration forced Abbott Laboratories to pull its ubiquitous "Where do you see yourself in five years?" Kaletra campaign because the "FDA is not aware of substantial evidence or substantial clinical experience to support claims of survival, good health, undetectable HIV RNA levels and disease control for five years." Whoops. The really bad part was that the Kaletra ads actually featured some timbre of racial and sexual diversity. One step forward, two steps back ...

Scary Gay Corporate Monopoly Award: This one goes, hands-down, to PlanetOut with its recent acquisition of LPI Media. (Disclosure: I used to work for PlanetOut). The acquisition basically means that the Advocate, Out, Gay.com, and PlanetOut.com are now controlled by the same folks who thought going public on the Nasdaq was a historic blow for equality and freedom. "This is one gay marriage that the laws do allow," PlanetOut CEO Lowell Selvin told the San Francisco Chronicle about the acquisition, somehow managing in one phrase to point up PlanetOut's obsession with the fiscalization of gay identity while simultaneously insulting gay couples who happen to think their unions go deeper than bottom-line investments. The blanding of gay media takes another giant step forward – but at least some gay people will make money off it. Freedom!

Fag Hag 2005/Fag Stag 2005: There was so very much competition in this category this year. Celebrity actors continued to hilariously fall all over themselves to court a gay audience while raking in those all-important Golden Globe nominations. Pundits and politicians gushed so much lip service over the moral sacredness of our apparent blanket yearning for monogamous relationships that watching MSNBC at times was like watching bad "straight lesbian" porn.

But the best fag hags are the ones who try to be sympathetic yet somehow manage to say things so fundamentally out of sync with the gay experience that you can't help but love them out of pity. Overexposed popster Moby snags the Fag Stag 2005 Lamebow for this quip to Gay.com: "[My friend Laura and I] are convinced that if we have children, we're going to do everything in our power to make them gay. Like maybe drinking a lot of extra soy milk while she's pregnant or anything that would work to make that happen." Apparently, "gay" to Moby means lots of stinky gas.

And the Fag Hag 2005 Lamebow Award goes to New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd who, in a recent column entitled "Hot Monkey Love," attempted a Kong-heavy wink-wink to her gay audience by describing Brokeback Mountain's cultural impact this way: "Everything will have to be reevaluated. High Plains Drifter now sounds like a guy who might get arrested in a bus station bathroom. And audiences may be ready for The Good, The Bad and the Bad Hair Day." Ooh – you go, Maureen. You're vicious. She then went on to thank John Kerry for not using "In the Navy" as his theme song during the last election. Wait, who's John Kerry again? And Village People jokes? Maybe Dowd should quit her day job and go write for Will and Grace.

The "Oh God, You're Kidding" Groan Award: "Cumming – the fragrance. By Alan Cumming." Seriously.