A new year means a new leaf – and a whole new set of 12 steps to fall down. I know you're as sick of 2005 as I am, brothers and sisters. So let's ring in the new year with a hearty helping of resolutions and Night Train-gassed bon mots rigged to put the sizzle in your shizzle, yucks in your mukluks, ugh in your UGGs, and a push in your bush. Being the generous sort, I've gone out of my way to make a few key, possibly damaging promises for our fave plasticene pop figures. Breaking these puppies in is only half the fun – breaking them is even, um, funner.

1. I know Mick Jagger needs to make his alimony payments, but down with exorbitant prices for arenalike shows by antlike performers! I'll pass on the eyestrain – and the neck pain. You can see more on your HD home entertainment system, and believe me, once you actually get a good look into the dead stare o' Jagger, you'll be unhappy that you did. Mama, don't let your children grow up to be rock stars. But, hey, nice job disturbing the peace in Noe Valley. On a side note: Skip the $150 tickets to parties "hosted" by hack movie stars and B-list celebs (e.g., Pamela Anderson's "Gridlock" NYE party in LA).

2. Speaking of hack, Lindsay Lohan, please release some quality pop rather than wasting your (and our) time playing bumper cars with paparazzi.

3. Mangle Diddy's mind: Wear white after Labor Day. Squash your hat flat on your head and skip the rakish angles (that went out with Flavor Flav and The Surreal Life). And while we're at it, wear brown with black, and mix gold and silver. Butt cleavage, plumber's crack, whatever – get behind us.

4. Foxy Brown, deaf, dumb, and ... dangerous? Advice is here, so listen up, hearing-deficient darling: Quit "cell-phone clocking" nail salon workers or you could end up buffing your bruiser cellmates' talons in the clink. On the other French-tipped hand, "making faces" and sticking out your tongue in court makes excellent entertainment for all of us gawkers, so against better judgment (yours, obviously), keep it up.

5. Mariah, please forget about us. We've heard enough from you this year (particularly your Christmas songs, nonstop, in the finer department stores). But do get back if you have another sordid meltdown in the works.

6. Cut back on hunting for Bambi with Ted Nugent types. The "music" scares the animals.

7. Stop bemoaning the end of the music industry as we know it – I can hear the bellyaching now as the Associated Press reports that, according to Nielsen SoundScan, album sales from January through the week of Dec. 25 were down 7 percent, down to 602.2 million from 650.8 million the previous year. Boo-hoo. People still love music. But when all they're served is Carey's "All I Want for Christmas Is You" (at least it seems that way during the holidays) – then you can understand why they're lining up at Returns.

8. Napping in public is rad; snoring, sublime – unless you're Brad "H" Renfro. Oh wait, that's nodding. Priceless. By the way, did you know there's a section of LA officially known as Skid Row?

9. Bomb taste-deficient Britney keeper Kevin Federline's new Web site with obnoxious messages that "mess" with him. As K-Fed's site-intro rhyme goes, "Keep messin' with my family and you're through" – and that's hot off his forthcoming hip-hop album, The Truth. The truth: Spare us.

10. Hope to hear from Sonic Youth and company in '06. Everything sounds better with distortion.

11. Ashlee Simpson, get back to your dark (brunette) past. "I Am Me" means black-haired, doing a jig, and mouthing along to the music – not being a sickly blonde and collapsing from exhaustion and getting carted off to the hospital. We also don't want to hear from your bosomy older sis ever again – nor her Lackey ex.

12. While we're on the subject of Jessica Simpson, everything sounds better with earmuffs.

13. Gwen Stefani, be a L.A.M.B. and name your babe Hollaback.

14. By the way, pick up after your dog.

15. It sounds like a song I heard in February of last year. I'm talking to you, Killers. This year, try not to bore.

16. Howie Day, listen to Johnny Cash and a boy named Sue – don't mix booze and barbiturates. Oh, and go back to playing bass for Tom Petty. Wait, wrong Howie.

17. Is it real, or is it stunt butt? I don't mean to be a jackass, but check out Madonna's odd-looking, too-toned behind in her "Hung Up" video.

18. Read more. Need more. Weigh more. Feed the face, not the parking meters.

19. Fall Out Boy, HIM, Hoobastank, Maroon 5, Linkin Park, et al: I know it's counter to conventional wisdom, but how about some new names all around. Say, Snot Rag, Candy Rapper, Irritable Bowl Syndrome, Day-Old Bread and Nickelback. They make just as much sense.

20. Rip down the neighbor's wind chime. I choose to spiritually evolve at my own goddamn pace.

21. OutKast, just one phrase: Get Rich or Die Tryin'. Take a cue from 50 Cent and attempt not to fall on your faces on film. We're told it's a slightly less ephemeral medium than music video. We are, however, confident you can pull off the music, and Andre, you managed not to completely trip on your dangling thespian this year (Be Cool, Four Brothers). But Idlewild – that sounds like a Scottish emo band. And by gum, it is.

22. Preppy/yuppie scum must die.

23. Memo to the Who: It's Hard is no excuse. Remember this as you ready a tour and the release of your first studio full-length since 1982. And don't suck.

24. Since we're talking 'bout sucking: No Pussycat Dolls in 2006.

25. On the subject of felines, gotta quit climbing into the mountain lion cage at the zoo. The big ole fuzzy wuzzies actually don't wanna come out and play.

26. Message to the Strokes: The new album is swank, but be sure to hire some dancers to mask Julian "Lurch" Casablanca's lack of sea legs onstage.

27. Liquor before beer – never fear. Beer before liquor – never sicker.

28. Bono, two words: Mind Freak.

Complaints, comments, or suggestions? E-mail Kimberly@sfbg.com.