War of the infomercials, round one

Victory may be fleeting, but bad infomercials and the strange stars behind them are timeless – or at least they seem to live forever on TV. This week, Trash pits two minor legends of the field against one another in a battle to see who is the strangest. The amazing contestants are: John Basedow, "fitness celebrity" and creator of Fitness Made Simple and Dr. Michael Ho, inventor of the Dr. Ho Muscle Massage System and star of Dr. Ho Now.

Worst haircut: This category is fiercely competitive, with Basedow's Jamie-Lee-Curtis-in-Perfect 'do challenged by Ho's sideburn-free upswept brush cut – the kind of hair that could polish floors. Nonetheless, Basedow emerges triumphant through a last-minute addition of orange highlights. And you thought hair wasn't frosted anymore!

Oddest product: Basedow is just another workout merchant – Jack La Lanne's femme grandson selling a plan. Ho, on the other hand, has created a vaguely torturelike electric massage device that makes spray-on hair seem plain and your average ab belt look completely unimaginative. The winner? Ho, of course.

Best theme song: Basedow has this one won by a mile. The perky, synth-string disco anthem "Fitness Made Simple" includes such great couplets as "Here's John Basedow / He's gonna show you how." Rumor has it Cole Porter was dug up to pen this gem.

Most quotable: Ho's infomercial is a gold mine of bizarre quips. An example: "Look at my toes. Look at them. Whoah. Look at that! Ah. My toes are saying, 'Thank you. Thank you for that great massage.'<\!q>" Go to infomercial.tvheaven.com/dr-ho.htm for a full roundup of Ho quotes.

Spookiest cultlike adulation: Another category that is tough to call. Basedow's commercials show he has a talent for turning relatively normal-looking fitness buffs into veiny, bulbous creatures. Ho's acolytes tend to be swimsuit models with glazed eyes and panicky smiles. Because neither leader's "charisma" has reached Marshall Applewhite proportions quite yet, let's say it's a draw.

Bonus Internet hoax category: Earlier this year, word spread that Basedow had drowned in the Indian Ocean tsunami, forcing Basedow's Web site to post an official statement to the contrary. No Ho hoaxes have yet come to light.

Overall weirdness winner: Prone to the kind of enthusiasm you find in people who have a semiautomatic jammed into their spine, Ho – who makes Rachael Ray seem sedated – puts up a strong fight. But Basedow has to reign supreme, for the hair, the music, the reptilian poses, and – last but not least – the huge ACT UP-meets-Star Trek triangle symbol he sports on his shirt. (Johnny Ray Huston)