Sinister voices of true-crime TV

TV In our lifetime, those who kill, the news world hands them stardom – and what would a comfy night at hearth and home be without hour after hour spent watching Forensic Files? Crawling under the comforter just isn't quite as cozy without copious luminol blood-spatter details, or Special Agent Dayle Hinman's "insights" regarding homicidal maniacs. Really, who else besides the Weepy Voiced Killer would you like to invite into your bedroom or family room?

Yes, the serial slayers so beloved by TV's many true-crime showcases usually sport megascary stares, the kind of crazed gazes that make any claim to innocence seem or scream "guilty." And yet, a case – one that's more hot than cold – can be made that the spookiest elements of these shows are their voice-overs. Let's look at some of the standout narrators and hosts of true-crime TV. Better yet, let's pit them against each other in a battle to the death.

John Seigenthaler: Presiding over MSNBC Investigates: Dark Heart, Iron Hand, this sad-browed second-generation journalist is usually overshadowed by his subject matter: Face it, he just isn't as camera- or mic-mad as, say, Pamela Smart.

Paul Winfield: Winfield can't really lose a battle to the death, since he passed away in 2004. No matter – he's peerless and immortal anyway. The sarcasm oozing from his City Confidential descriptions of rural and suburban towns is pure misanthropic manna from heaven. How often does your TV talk to you in a tone of sheer cynical contempt for the (rich, white) American dream? A second Bush term certainly confirms the implicit message of Winfield's ironic voice-over work: This country is overrun by morons and deserves every comeuppance it gets. Since White Dog star Winfield's passing, City Confidential has replaced him with Keith David (the carpenter from Mister Rogers' Neighborhood), whose comparatively understated approach incorporates a keen sense of timing but just doesn't possess the same oomph. Paul Winfield, we miss you.

Bill Kurtis: There's something so soothing about Kurtis: Genial and gently inquisitive, this rancher and conservationist sure knows how to make a shotgun murder or three go down easy. Don't be fooled by the grandfatherly demeanor, though – this guy is the DNA-profile king, lording over the Cold Case Files substrand of his A&E network showcase Investigative Reports, as well as the same channel's American Justice, in which he's usually pictured, right eyebrow arched, as a silver fox in the halls of the law. The bottom line: Kurtis sure seems nice, but he's never looked at a storage locker without hoping to discover a corpse inside.

Peter Thomas: Nobody, and I mean nobody, has a creepier delivery than war veteran Thomas, who honestly sounds like he savors each and every sadistic detail about bloodstains and stab patterns on Forensic Files. In commercials he may be the voice behind Visine, but on this show he wants to rub the red in your face, not get the red out. One gets the impression he's spent at least a few of his eight decades on this planet chain-smoking – hearing him is like being tapped on the shoulder by the grim reaper.

The best sinister voice: Thomas is a frightening competitor, but chalk up a win from beyond the grave for the sinister yet huggably loveable Winfield. (Johnny Ray Huston)