The buzz tatler

By L.E. Leone

le_chicken_farmer@yahoo.com

CHEAP EATS

What's that called, the little windows up over the big windows of a storefront? There's a word for that, and in this case there are words on it. "Keys That Fit," it says to one side of the papered-over door. "Keys That Fit," it says on the other side. Maybe it used to be a hardware store. In any case, I didn't need any keys. I needed coffee. Something to eat, and a cup of coffee.

I have plenty of keys. They fit.

The windows of this place are papered up from the inside, and here's what it says all over the paper: "Coming Soon: Starbucks."

It's a joke. It has to be, on this funky, punky block of Telegraph Avenue, between 23rd and 24th in Oakland, a couple doors down from the Stork Club (the great dive bar), and the Telegraph Dollar Store, across the street from the Lato Christian Center, which looks more like a liquor store.

Right next door to the would-be could-be can't-be twinkle in Starbucks' eye, is a little hole-in-the-wall called Mama Buzz Café, destined to be my new favorite coffeehouse even before I saw the words "Famous Quality" in faded white paint over the door, even before I opened that door and heard kazoo music on the stereo. Even before I saw that they had a counter, a pale blue Formica classic that seemed to want my elbows every bit as much as my brain wanted good strong coffee and my belly a sandwich.

Even before I ate that sandwich, a chicken club with bacon and mozzarella, lettuce, tomato, vinegar, and olive oil, on wheat ($5.95) ... I didn't even have to say "no mayonnaise"! And it was delicious. But even before it was delicious, before the caffeine hit my brain cells, before my eyeballs registered all the other great touches: a lone dart inexplicably stuck into the blue wall behind me, over the overcrowded bulletin board; the great, gravity-defying felt-cutout fruit bowl picture right in front of me, next to the clock ... There's a cluster of grapes, a pear, an orange, a plum, a lemon, two strawberries, a banana, and three cherries, and they all appear to be floating away from each other, even the individual grapes, like magnets on magnets.

(Hold on, here's another kazoo solo, and I want to give it my undivided attention.)

Where was I? Oh, in a nice high-tech/low-tech dance, there's a laptop computer behind me on one of those old antique wooden school desks with the bench seat attached to the desktop behind you. But I knew it was going to be my new favorite coffeehouse even before that, before I read their calendar of events, which featured free tarot readings, hipster bingo nights, punk rock haircut night, an accordion workshop, and a lot of interesting music.

(Good place for Lord Exister to play, I'll bet. Hey, whoever books the shows at Mama Buzz, if I keep calling it my new favorite coffeehouse, do you think I can get a gig there?)

Where was I? Oh, there's a whole other room, an art gallery room, with old Formica tables and paintings of cool young hipster people, and just people. But even before that, before I noticed the funky outdoor patio with construction-zone plywood walls and clear corrugated plastic roofing, a couple panels missing ...

"Hey, there isn't really a Starbucks moving in, is there?" I asked the cool hipster guy working there, just in case. "Next door?"

He was bent over behind the counter, getting something from the fridge or something.

"No," he said, into the fridge. "It's a joke."

"It's a good one," I said, making a mental note to blow up a Starbucks logo and put it on a Coming Soon sign on my chicken coop. For starters.

The guy down the counter, a cool hipster guy wearing a suit and tie and reading the Guardian, said he thought it could happen. Then he said, no, it wasn't Starbucks moving in. It was Peet's.

I'm trying to remember what it says on the takeout Peet's cup that's been sitting in my sink ever since I stopped at the one in Petaluma one morning on my way home from the city.

"A cup of coffee is worth a thousand words"? I'd go check but I'm not at home right now. I'm a long ways away from home, sitting at the counter of my new favorite coffeehouse, trying to squeeze just 800 out of this one.

MAMA BUZZ CAFÉ 2318 Telegraph, Oakl. (510) 465-4073 Mon.-Thurs., 7a.m.-9 p.m.; Fri., 7 a.m.-10 p.m.; Sat., 8 a.m.-10 p.m.; Sun., 8 a.m.-9 p.m. Takeout available. Beer No credit cards Wheelchair accessible