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Kiss me deadly Heart full of horror? Check these killer V-Day flicks By Cheryl Eddycheryl@sfbg.com April Fool's Day, Happy Birthday to Me, Black Christmas, Prom Night, Hell Night, Graduation Day, and Arbor Day (ok, that last one was a Mad magazine spoof): All have their place in the holiday-killer canon. But after Halloween, the bloodiest red-letter day has gotta be Valentine's. What else can set a maniac off like a love affair gone awry? Googly-eyed lovers can keep their Russell Stovers — the black-hearted among us know romantic entertainment is best brandished off the edge of a gore-encrusted pickax. First stop on your tour of sweetheart torture is the most obvious pick: My Bloody Valentine. Though 2001's Valentine — released in the wake of Scream mania and starring Denise Richards, who meets her grisly end in a hot tub — has its moments, 1981's My Bloody Valentine remains Feb. 14's gold standard. In the tiny Canadian mining town of Valentine Bluffs, the younger generation plans to hold the first Valentine's dance since a certain terrible tragedy two decades before. Bad idea: Before you can say "I Choo-Choo-Choose You," the kindly owner of the local Laundromat has received a frilly chocolate box stuffed with a dripping human heart, and the body count only goes up from there. Sweet! The 1982 screamer Hospital Massacre (a.k.a. Be My Valentine ... or Else) is worth including here for title alone, and because it stars Barbi Benton. It's a little easier to get your mitts on a copy of Tales from the Crypt (the 1972 film, not the TV show), famed for the segment where Joan Collins battles a psycho Santa. Unfortunately, Tales is horror of the talkiest, most slow-moving kind; even the Valentine's chapter — featuring Peter Cushing as a man who exacts beyond-the-grave revenge on his cruel neighbors — falls short of spine-chilling. There's always room in a cynic's Valentine's Day film festival for freaky love stories: Takashi Miike's Audition is an excellent argument for really getting to know your partner (especially if you meet him or her through unscrupulous means and he or she happens to have a weird, human-sized bag flopping around in his or her apartment). Fatal Attraction concisely demonstrates the value of loyalty — something no tacky Zales gift can teach. The relentlessly gory High Tension kicks off with the fervently repeated phrase "I'll never let anyone come between us again!" — try finding that sentiment on a Hallmark card. For a truly unsettling Valentine's Day viewing experience, try Peter Weir's Picnic at Hanging Rock. On Feb. 14, 1900, a group of proper Australian schoolgirls exchange flowery love poems before setting off on a day trip that ends in mysterious tragedy. Stifled desires, blossoming adolescents, sinister yet dreamy natural elements, and Zamfir's pensive pan flute tootling combine to form Hanging Rock's singular embrace. Keep an eye out for Wolf Creek's outback killer, John Jarratt, in a small but pivotal role. Finally, for anyone who's planning ahead for next month's holiday movie selections, you need look no further than Leprechaun, Leprechaun 2, Leprechaun 3, Leprechaun 4: In Space, Leprechaun in the Hood, and Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood. Seriously, anyone who's willing to marathon those films can be my Valentine anytime. *
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