San Francisco Bay Guardian

Quirk for love

Flowers, candy, sex toys — yawn. Time to get creative, sweetie.

By Marke B.

marke@sfbg.com

Hey, Boo. It's another Valentine's Day a-comin', and I wanna show you my love. All my love. So this year, I didn't just get you pretty flowers from FTD (you're allergic). I didn't get you any fancy Joseph Schmidt chocolates (you're on Jenny Craig). And I didn't get you any peek-a-boo edible panties from the Tenderloin corner store, neither (you're on Jenny Craig).

I didn't even get you a "Love Ewe Sheep" — although the feel of an inflatable ovine sex toy on the futon between us would really make our magical love complete.

No, this time around I wanted to give you a basketful of adorable quirkiness, a googly-eyed tickle of surprises — gifts that show I care enough not to phone it in with a stolen credit card. Take a peek inside ...

The first thing you'll notice is this captivatingly charming Frankenstein of a being called a Transjanimal — a supercute stuffed animal expertly stitched together from a hodgepodge of other tragically discarded stuffed animals. ($35, National Product, 1845 Market, SF, 415-255-1920). I adopted him just for us to have and hold together. His captivating little poodle-snake-giraffe-bear body may say "Island of Misfit Toys," but his outstretched tiger-monkey-alien arms say "Me wuv wu!"

Next, this matchless, one-of-a-kind, 1970s artist's rendering of a half-naked Polynesian lady with a disarmingly lopsided face, standing waist-high in a bright orange mountain stream with upside-down parrots behind her. Isn't she beautiful? I got her at Lost Art Salon (245 S. Van Ness, SF, 415-861-1530). You can find tons more flawlessly kitschy decorative art, sculpture, and ceramics from around the world there to make our little love nest feel like home.

What could be better than "Bitch" socks? Biker "Bitch" socks. Yep, I'm roughly claiming you 'round your ankles with these exquisite nylon cycle socks, emblazoned with your favorite term of endearment, on sale now for $7.95 at The Sports Basement (1415 16th Street or 610 Mason, SF, 1-800-869-6670). I also got you "Hottie," in case you wanna slap me.

Hey, let's practice for our whirlwind engagement by putting a giant ring around our bodies and oscillating wildly! That's right, I signed us up for Beginner Hoop Intensive training classes from Hoop Girl, SF's internationally recognized queen of the hula hoop (Mon/13–Thurs/16, The Women's Building, 3543 18th St., SF, 7:30–9 p.m. $85. 415-515-0469). Hoop Girl "is committed to pushing the art of hoopdance to the furthest extremes," but I think she'll also push us closer to commitment's golden hoop of flames.

Feeling all starry-eyed yet? You will for sure once you peep this beautiful 16" x 12" full-color parchment certificate from the International Star Registry ($54), which proves I paid enough to have a little star officially named after little you. The accompanying personalized 16" x 12" sky chart containing the star name, star date, constellation, and location circled in red where the star is in the sky (helpful) will have you swooning — cosmically, luridly.

Finally, what says "Be Mine" more than an antique silver colander with matching tongs and serving platter? Maybe a miniature clay pot from Burma, a set of giant heart-shaped spatulas, or a gaggle of interlocking Santa Claus corn holders. Just to be safe, I'm taking you on a shopping spree to Cookin': Recycled Gourmet Kitchen Appurtenances (339 Divisadero, SF, 415-861-1854), where you can score rare cookware from the four corners of the globe on the cheap — and we can do some cookin' of our own.

Ain't love (oddly, affordably) grand? *