Who's the boss?

By Andrea Nemerson

› andrea@altsexcolumn.com

Dear Andrea:

Why are blow jobs so compellingly fascinating? As the oft-happy penis-possessing receptor [sic] of said sexual servicing, I have, alas, spoken with few about this subject. After getting beyond the "gags" about gag-reflex suppression, I recently wondered aloud with a gay male friend about it. He thought the fascination, perhaps, was related to a primal longing for breast-feeding. While that explains the "lactating babes" section of the local sex shop, it seems excessively Freudian. I ventured that perhaps it's breast-feeding envy: Feeding is nurturing. Also, the mouth is quite close to the eyes, which will watch while waiting and being watched. What say you?

Love,

Using My Head

Dear Head:

What ho, sirrah, oft-happy, penis-possessing recipient of sexual servicing? Why sound like such a prancing ponce, say I, when you could write your letter in normal English and sound less worthy of a sound kick in the codpiece? What say you?

I think you and your friend are using your heads perhaps a little too hard, and that if a primal longing for the breast is too Freudian an explanation, what is "breast-feeding envy," for chrissake? I say that guys like blow jobs because they feel good, and some people like giving them because it's hot to do something that makes the person you're doing it to gasp and moan and beg for more. I also think that if any of this has the slightest connection to any primal longings for breasts or eyes or any body part not commonly encountered in somebody's pants, I'll eat my head, and yours.

Love,

Andrea

Dear Andrea:

Please help end a longtime debate between my best friend and I: Is seamen [sic] fattening?

Love,

Kinda Wondering

Dear Kinda:

Seamen, tending to be burly types, would be very fattening indeed if you ate the whole thing. Semen, on the other hand, is a mere teaspoon or so of protein with a little sugar and couldn't put a pound on you unless you lived a lifestyle so dangerous and disgusting that weight gain would be the least of your problems.

Love,

Andrea

Dear Andrea:

Have you ever heard of a Tony Danza, in reference to a form of "Donkey Punch?"

Love,

Vaguely Wondering

Dear Vague:

Don't ask me this! Don't you know that when I had my blog up (soon to return, by the way), the single most common search string that brought new people there was not "blazingly witty nice Jewish girl answers sex questions" but: "What is a donkey punch?" Why or how I became the go-to girl for questions about punching women in the head while having anal sex with them I couldn't tell you, nor am I proud of it, but since we're here, I may as well tell you that a Tony Danza is, of course, punching a girl in the head while having anal sex with her and shouting "Who's The Boss?!"

Before any feminists of the "that's not funny" persuasion write me outraged letters, I should point out that there is absolutely nothing preventing women from shouting "Who's The Boss?!" while having violent anal sex with men, nor are same-sex variations in any way unfeasible, either.

Love,

Andrea

Dear Andrea:

What are the benefits for women to want to try anal sex?

Love,

Really Wondering

Dear Really:

I'm tempted to say "they get more dates," but I suppose that reflects a rather jaundiced view of the contemporary dating scene. Or does it? It does seem true that anal sex appears slowly to be recapitulating the journey that oral sex took from forbidden (albeit, in fact, practiced) to kinky to "normal" over the second half of the last century. I don't think it's ever going to achieve the near-universal popularity that its oral cousin did, if only because the "benefits," as you put it, are unevenly distributed. Men are always going to enjoy a slight edge in the Anal Sex Appreciation Olympics, since not only are they the ones getting the most direct stimulation out of insertive anal sex but also, due to the convenient placement of the prostate gland, out of receptive anal intercourse as well. This isn't to say there are not women, and plenty of them, who enjoy the receptive sort on its own merits, and not just as a dirty thrill or a way to make their man feel very special indeed. Depending upon various peculiarities of anatomy, receptive anal penetration can and may stimulate any number of internal structures (internal clitoris, G-spot, etc.), and, while most women will not make it all the way to orgasm based on backdoor lovin' alone, a few can. Add in the thrill of the forbidden, access to clitoris, freedom from fear of pregnancy (although not, alas, from STDs), and a pathetically grateful partner, and you can see that the "benefits" are neither obscure nor inconsequential. Provided you like that sort of thing.

Love,

Andrea