Oscar smackdown

FILM

For pop-cult pros (and cons) like ourselves, Oscar night is a time to breathe freely and look forward: At last, the golden doorstops have been distributed; let the new year at the movies truly begin. Now if only we can add categories like rankest title (Cinderella Man lands a TKO) and most glaring racial stereotypes (King Kong's bloodthirsty natives, or, well, where to begin with Munich?). We'll just have to pencil those in on our ballots and hope that Jon Stewart uses his position to take aim at the right targets.

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

Philip Seymour Hoffman lisps; Hollywood swoons; I yawn. (Johnny Ray Huston)

Despite my fondness for Seymour Hoffman's ambivalent scribe and my respect for Heath Ledger's subtle, bottled-up brooder, I wish Joaquin Phoenix would receive a special stiff-necked nod for the quirkiest, most physically twisted performance since Nicolas Cage ate the roach. (Kimberly Chun)

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Let's start by crossing Judi Dench and Keira Knightley off the short list of possible or deserving winners. Then let's marvel — or not — at the fact that Charlize Theron has been nominated for her performance in the god-awful Midwest-condescension fest North Country. That leaves a battle between Felicity Huffman, bending a few more genders than the usual Oscar contender, and Reese Witherspoon. She deserved it more for Election and Legally Blonde, but Reese is the word. (Huston)

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Amy Adams gets props for her meerkat-obsessed Junebug wife — and also for being one of very few "Who dat?" acting nominees this year. But my favorite here is Catherine Keener — even in crappy movies (uh, Death to Smoochy), she rules, and her performance in Capote is just about perfect. (Cheryl Eddy)

Keener deserves a cumulative Oscar for all the supporting roles she pulled off in 2005 (Capote, The Interpreter, The 40 Year-Old Virgin). (Chun)

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

It's plain backward that Paul Giamatti wasn't nominated for Sideways while the Academy touts him for Cinderella Man. A fat Clooney may just offer more to love, and Jake Gyllenhaal as a '70s-clone-with-a-beer-gut is a sight for bored eyes, but my favorite meatball in this category has to be A History of Violence cameo specialist William Hurt, repping for comrade Ed Harris, who really deserves the trophy. (Huston)

Gyllenhaal gets my fist-pumps for his shaded yet powered-up efforts as a thinking man (and grunt's) sex symbol in Brokeback Mountain and Jarhead. But good luck beating Clooney, who will likely score with the no-fail weight-gain, physical-trauma vote. (Chun)

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM OF THE YEAR

Howl's Moving Castle and Tim Burton's Corpse Bride have their supernatural charms. But Hayao Miyazaki's already won one (for Spirited Away), and I'm still holding a grudge against Burton for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The most magical nominee is Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit: bunny beasts, witty double entendres, and that awesome chase scene between Gromit and his bratty, coin purse–toting bulldog nemesis. (Eddy)

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE

Blah, blah, March of the Penguins. I still don't understand why Grizzly Man — easily one of 2005's best films, doc or otherwise — didn't even get nominated. (Eddy)

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Woody Allen's Match Point may be a return to form of sorts, but the screenplay isn't even Ibsenesque — Noah Baumbach is the filet of this category. (Huston)

Syriana's Stephen Gaghan earns points for juggling as many storylines as Crash, on a wider geopolitical scope — and making more people leave the theater scratching their heads. (Chun)

ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATOGRAPHY

Emmanuel Lubezki deserves this for the soulful warmth and chill of his work in the sadly-overlooked The New World, but the more prosaic pastoral view favored by Brokeback Mountain's Rodrigo Prieto is likely to emerge victorious. It'll be a bad night if Robert Elswitt triumphs thanks to his instantly dated TV-style (and I don't mean the historical footage) look for Good Night, and Good Luck. (Huston)

ACHIEVEMENT IN DIRECTING

Where in the hell is David Cronenberg? The nominees — Spielberg included — aren't fit to mop up his blood puddles this year. (Huston)

ORIGINAL SONG

One of the three nominees is from Crash, so that disqualifies it immediately from being any good. I love Dolly Parton, so I'm excited to see her perform her folky tune from Tranamerica, "Travelin' Through" — and it would be sweet to see her win an Oscar (trivia: She was previously nominated, in 1981, for "Nine to Five" but lost to the theme from Fame). But mostly I'm eagerly anticipating the live version of "It's Hard out Here for a Pimp," Hustle and Flow's gritty-yet-catchy breakout track. Of course, that's assuming the Oscar peeps even bother with a live version — if you recall, Eminem was absent the night he won for "Lose Yourself," curiously the only song not performed on that year's program. (Eddy)

Something is very wrong when the Academy can only find three (original) songs while regularly nominating music biopics like Ray and Walk the Line. We gotta stop living in the past — or get more inspired songwriters than Elton John to toil on closing-credits pop numbers. (Chun)

BEST MOTION PICTURE OF THE YEAR

Good Night, and Good Luck is too slight, and Crash is far too "Ludacris" and smugly tidy to take home a prize — unless Academy members are wracked with guilt about living, driving, and thriving in LA. In spite of its muddled, murky, borderline-racist headspace regarding terrorism, revenge, and government-sanctioned assassinations, Munich gets humps (and lumps) for a bizarre final montage that intercuts a panting, heaving sex scene and the blood-drenched Olympic hostage massacre. I can picture Academy voters recoiling with repulsion or rewinding with astonishment — way to go, Spielberg. Brokeback Mountain has this lassoed up. (Chun)