Clubbing DIY

Had it with the nightlife? Start your own damn scene.

Bar-trade tricks, dance-move hits, grassroots glitz, and backroom dish (plus Japanese robot bartenders!): our essential how-to for today's rogue clubbers.

GET IT TOGETHER

OK, you've slashed through all the heinous red tape and finally secured your very own party space. You've even settled on the perfect name (Faces? Numbers? O'Blivion's?). The soju tap's hooked up and the sound system's wired. Now what? You need people, mate: a killer staff to help you get to sleep at dawn and a regular crowd so you can afford a little breakfast first. To give you some idea of what you're looking for, we've gathered a few shining examples of the perfect club-folk necessities below. Go get 'em, tiger.

YOUR DRAW

As genius '80s-era Manhattan club kingpin (and convicted felon, whoops) Peter Gatien knew, give the freaky kids a night of their own and watch the magic happen. Besides, they love to pass out fliers (so you don't have to). The dedicated night crawlers pictured here got off their glittery asses to help rescue the Bay from its postbust club doldrums, throwing wild, what-the-fuck parties in overlooked spaces and keeping the underground nightlife spirit alive. As professional promoters, they can put your club on the map. As party personalities, well, lock up your top-shelf vodka. Don't say we didn't warn you. Clockwise from top left: Adrian and the Mysterious D from Bootie (www.bootiesf.com); Kiddie from Charlie Horse and Trannyshack London (www.trannyshack.com); Juan Garcia of Beatbox (www.beatboxevents.com); Scott Brown of Culture Whores (www.culturewhores.com), Faggot (www.heyfaggot.com), and A.D.D. (www.attentiondeficitdisco.com); Anna Conda of Charlie Horse and Trannyshack; Brontez of Double Dutch Disco (last Sundays at the Transfer) and Pussy Boyz (first Tuesdays at Aunt Charlie's, www.auntcharlieslounge.com); Zac Posse from Macho and Favors (Saturdays at the Gangway). |

GUARDIAN PHOTO BY NEIL MOTTERAM

YOUR EYE CANDY

Theme bars are bachelorette death traps, indoor waterfalls cry out for leaky drunks, fire twirlers toast your insurance rates, and video bars are so, well, gay. (Not that there's anything not wrong with that). When it comes to "ambience," why not stick with a proven classic — scorching-hot, half-naked go-go girls. Pictured here are several Surreal Devil Girls (www.surrealsf.com), the Bay's living tribute to the funner, less wholesome back alleys of Vegas. Bright as their bling, these starlets go from camp to tramp to "damn!" and back, faster than you can say implant recall — and the bar sales skyrocket whenever they take to the platforms. How can you go wrong? Check out the Surreal girls breaking it down (and teasing it up) at party impresario Enrique Montero's sleaze-happy, rock-star-before-rehab events. Left to right: Surreal Devil Girls Krista, Bella Bling, Adrien, Danielle, Alisa. |

GUARDIAN PHOTO NEIL MOTTERAM

YOUR COCKTAIL JOCKS

Successful bartenders come in two flavors: cute and salty. (If you mix the two, it tastes like Milk Duds.) On the cute side, there's the shaker slingers of the revamped Transfer bar in the Castro, several of which are shown above — although we've yet to wake up next to them to see just how salty they can get. They're a great mix that reflects the crowd, which can veer on a dime from live hip-hop to fashion show to underground queer disco — and you can bet the tips flow in when they wink and hand out Jäger shots. Left to right: Transfer bartenders Yasir Rashid, Carly Dierkhising (on table), Gina Schayerte, Chris Jasmin, and Shawn Vergara. |

GUARDIAN PHOTO BY NEIL MOTTERAM

YOUR MUSCLE

Russian mobsters, bitchy drama queens, GHB casualties, the occasional schizophrenic — you don't wanna deal with that, and the people who do it for you need to keep the party chill. The Endup's bouncers are models of strength and grace because, really, no one's had to put up with more crazy shit then they have. The folks on the dance floor feel safe when they're around, and you can rest easy that no one's pulling any monkey business in the patio corners that can get you cited by downlow 5-0. Left to right: Endup bouncers Jake, Janet, Chris, Stephen, Shatter, and Ramsey.

YOUR DJ

Who needs 12-inches when you come in 14? Putting a new spin on "plugging into the vibe," DJ Blu-Toof, the Mac daddy of the music booth, is tops of the club scene lately, and the crowds are lapping him up. Whether beat-mixing live streams with his third ear macro on (train wreck effect optional) or pinging random playlists to transmitters in the tweeters, nothing holds him back — except maybe water, cat hair, and magnets. "I never carry vinyl," the brutha from Circuit City says. "Vinyl carries me." With Blu-Toof on the crates, programming your dance floor has never been simpler, sleeker, or more rectangular. |

GUARDIAN PHOTO BY LORI SPEARS

YOUR ROYALTY

Don't forget the guest list! May we suggest peppering it with some old-school club royalty, such as the gorgeous Aurora Styles (above) from the legendary drag cabaret Hot Boxxx Girls, to give your gig some crowd-pleasing history? | GUARDIAN PHOTO BY NEIL MOTTERAM