Stage listings are compiled by Deborah Giattina. Performance times may change; call venues to confirm. Reviewers are Robert Avila, Rita Felciano, Deborah Giattina, Karen McKevitt, and Lara Shalson. See Picks for information on how to submit items to the listings.

THEATER

OPENING

The Cave Dwellers Randall Museum Theater, 199 Museum Way; 337-4713, www.sffct.org. Opens Thurs/30, 7:30pm. Runs Fri-Sat, 7:30pm; Sun, 3pm. Through April 2. (also Eureka Valley Recreation Center Auditorium, 100 Collingwood, April 6-8, 7:30pm; April 9, 3pm.). Glenn Havlan directs William Saroyan's play about a group of homeless people living in an abandoned theater.

Farewell to the Tooth Fairy Off Market Theatre, 965 Mission; 646-0776, (650) 355-4296, www.goldstarevents.com; $20. Sun/2, 7pm. Runs Sun, 7pm. Through May 28.Comedian Lynn Ruth Miller performs her one-woman show.

With Love We Travel Off Market Theatre, Lila Theatre, Stage 250, 965 Mission; 866-811-4111, www.lilatheatre.org. $15-25. Opens Fri/31, 8pm. Fri-Sat, 8pm. Through April 15. Lila Theater presents the love story of two performers.

BAY AREA

Frankie & Johnny The Ashby Stage, 1901 Ashby, Berk; (510) 841-6500, www.shotgunplayers.org. $10. Opens Mon/3, 8pm. Runs Mon-Tues, 8pm. Through April 18.In an original Shotgun Theatre Lab production, the performance troupe mugwumpin collaborates with local musician Dave Malloy to tell the story of Frankie Baker, subject of the infamous song.

ONGOING

*The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee Post Street Theatre, 450 Post, second floor; 771-6900, www.ticketmaster.com. $40-65. Tues-Sat, 8pm (also Sat, 2pm); Sun, 2 and 7pm. Open-ended. Bee here now, at last, as the Broadway hit musical parks its bleachers, superfluous basketball hoop, and gymnasium stage at the Post Street Theatre in a crowd-pleasing, brain-teasing West Coast premiere. Actually, brains aren't so much teased as tickled, more or less nonstop, by Rachel Sheinkin's Tony Award-winning book (after an original work conceived by Rebecca Feldman), William Finn's wonderfully inventive, ironical music and lyrics, and director James Lapine's outstanding, unflappable cast of adolescent and grown-up misfits, megalomaniacs, and weirdoes. There can only be one winner amid all the juvenile jousting at the Putnam County spell-off, but rest assured every runner-up -- including the admirable audience participants selected at the start of the show -- gets an exit to make an American Idol seethe with jealousy. (Avila)

100 Years of Sex-Acts Exit on Taylor, 277 Taylor; (510) 568-4118. $10-20. Fri-Sat, 8pm. Through April 1. Eastenders Repertory Company has made one-act fests their sub-specialty, presenting ambitious programs annually under specific overarching themes. This year's topic, sex, sustains itself over three night's worth of brief but passionate work by the likes of Albee, Caryl Churchill, Lorca, and Strindberg. Series B offers another newly discovered Tennessee Williams work, And Tell Sad Stories of the Deaths of Queens..., first staged in 2004, about a cultured New Orleans transvestite (Craig Souza) and her attempts to engage the affections of a threateningly gruff, taciturn, cash-strapped sailor (Ross Pasquale), while her gay tenants upstairs (Matthew Donohue, Gene Mocsy) look down in mock wonder and some genuine concern. The piece feels a bit one-note, even incomplete, when all is said and done, but Jeff Thompson's steady direction and Souza's Candy Delaney -- half relentless optimist, half dyspeptic landlady slash queen bitch -- help seal our interest in this smartly composed, un-closeted Williams number. In Charles E. Polly's rare US staging of Italian playwright-activist Dacia Maraini's 1978 work, Dialogue Between a Prostitute and Her Client, Pasquale returns as a mommy-obsessed john to Sandra Weingart's politically conscious prostitute. The power-play between buyer and seller strips away much of the male persona in the bargain, as Weingart interrupts the dialogue to query the audience (particularly its men) on their ideas of sex. A dated feeling to Maraini's feminist theater doesn't eliminate all interest or relevance in this piece, solidly anchored by Weingart's defiant sex worker. (Avila)

Arrhythmica EXIT Stage Left, 156 Eddy. (415) 673-3847, www.theexit.org. $10-20. Runs Fri-Sat, 8pm. Through April 8. RIPE Theatre's wry comic treatment of death and its various possibilities takes the form of eight original vignettes (variously written by members of the ensemble) bridged by an amusingly inappropriate assortment of recorded eulogies. Highlights include three dudes and a Ouija board (in Mark Rachel's Bottom of the Stairs), three children playing for keeps on the playground (in Noah Kelly's The Dying Throes of a Wild Boar), and two mismatched dead people fated to share the same Sartre–an waiting room (in Sarah McKereghan's Hungry Ghosts). There's some inconsistency in the development or ending of some pieces, but they're usually clever anyway and frequently hilarious. Moreover, the ensemble effort in the writing translates onstage into excellent chemistry between the performers (Rachel, John Andrew Stillions, Deborah Wade, and Ripe founders Kelly and McKereghan). With top-notch character work to boot, this cast can do no wrong — and help to, once again, demonstrate the all-pro demeanor of this small and independent-minded company. (Avila)

*The Dick 'n' Dubya Show: A Republican Outreach Cabaret Marsh (studio), 1062 Valencia; 1-800-838-3006, www.themarsh.org. $5-22. Extended Run: Thurs-Sat, 8pm. Through April 29. Perhaps you're thinking the Republicans have been reaching out far too much as it is. What haven't they already grabbed? Nevertheless, the premise of Ed Holmes and Amos Glick's 70-minute cabaret is another kind of outreach, wherein Dick and Dubya sally into liberal enclaves, so-called blue country, to win over the hearts and minds and voting registration of some of the millions of people they've been screwing. Of course, it's an asinine idea that makes for an admirably funny show; but then that's hardly a surprise given the agitprop and improv chops of these Mime Troupe veterans. Holmes's cagey and uncanny VP has been a mainstay of Mime Troupe productions past, as has Glick's simpleton-in-chief, whom he masterfully reproduces in every gesture and inflection. Cleverly crafted, complete with a smattering of songs, a speech that writes itself (literally, being a string of real-life Bushisms), a hilarious video segment, and an impromptu town-hall style Q&A, only political satire this good could get us to laugh at the seriously unfunny catastrophes trailing behind (and ahead) of these donkeys. Or rather elephants. (Avila)

The Eyes of Babylon New Conservatory Theatre Center, 25 Van Ness; 861-8972, www.nctcsf.org. $20-35. Extended Run: Thurs-Sat, 8pm; Sun, 2pm. Through April 2. New Conservatory Theatre Center and American Junction Productions present Iraq war veteran Jeff Keys in his solo show, an exploration of his experiences as a gay Marine at war.

Family Jewels: The Making of Veronica Klaus Theatre Rhinoceros, 2926 16th St; 861-5079, www.therhino.org. $15-25. Extended Run: Wed-Sat, 8pm (no show March 30); Sun, 3pm. Through April 1. Starting April 7, Fri-Sat, 8pm. Through April 15. The chanteuse revives her autobiographical musical journey.

*Farmyard Last Planet Theatre, 351 Turk; 440-3050, www.lastplanettheatre.com. $10-18. Thurs-Sat, 8pm. Through April 1. Last Planet Theater presents Franz Xaver Kroetz's exploration of love and suffering amid a bleak, isolating landscape of poverty. Kroetz (who in the 1970s was Germany's most performed living playwright) lays his harsh yet beguiling story on a modest American family farm. There, Beppi (a remarkable Heidi Wolff), the retarded teenage daughter of the farmer (Richard Aiello) and his wife (Emma Victoria Glauthier), falls in love with the aging farmhand, a drifter named Sepp (Garth Petal), who has seduced her with stories. When Beppi becomes pregnant, the farmer takes retribution on Sepp's beloved black shadow of a dog (Hilde Susan Jaegtnes) before turning to his wife for help solving the problem of their daughter. The plot, wrapped in silences, is bone simple, but its reverberations are subtle, strange, and unsettling — just as Kroetz's meek characters convey a rich presence while rarely managing to do more than spit out a few brusque phrases. Silence, in fact, is a principal subject: the silence of moral judgment; the absence of any voice beyond the inexorable force of life itself. Strong, focused performances, and director John Wilkins' fine staging (which includes the Godard-like jarringly lush, sophisticated jazz vocal score) keep the perfect pulse below the deceptively still surfaces of Farmyard. (Avila)

Happiness Marsh (main stage), 1062 Valencia; 1-800-838-3006, www.themarsh.org. $15-22. Extended Run: Fri-Sat, 8pm. Through April 1. Starting April 8, Sat, 8pm. Through April 29. Rick Reynolds (Only the Truth Is Funny) performs a workshop version of his new solo show.

The Golden Apple Eureka Theatre, 215 Jackson; 978-2787. $20-38. Previews Thurs/23-Fri/24, 8pm. Wed-Fri, 8pm; Sat, 6pm; Sun, 3pm. Through April 9. The acclaimed and little-known 1954 musical enjoys a revival presented by 42nd Street Moon.

"Hot House '06" Magic Theatre, Fort Mason Center, Marina at Laguna; 441-8822, www.magictheatre.org. $20-40 (festival pass, $72). Check Web site for complete repertory schedule. Through April 9. The Magic Theatre's third annual Hot House series presents (as part of its rotating triple-bill of world premieres) David Rambo's The Ice-Breaker. In it, Lawrence, a brilliant but disgraced geologist, hasn't defrosted his freezer in 12 years. The resulting miniglacier is an apt image at the core of this new play, symbolizing not only the imminent ice age that some scientists suspect will follow global warming but also the cold remoteness that Lawrence has managed to hide in, even in his non–air-conditioned Southwestern home. After suffering domestic heartbreak and a nervous crackup on a study in Antarctica, he's abandoned science to teach Southwestern pottery. Enter Sonia, a maverick PhD student who has been determined to continue Lawrence's work ever since she discovered his journal in Antarctica, where she was serving time in Outward Bound after burning down a Dairy Queen as a teenager. Rambo creates friction between these uniform fire-and-ice parallels and moments of poetry, and between Lawrence and Sonia's chaotic pasts and their predictable relationship. (Charles Shaw Robinson and Blake Lindsley turn in terrific performances.) But in all, The Ice-Breaker is a nicely packaged and producible play ready for its next scheduled productions in Arizona and Massachusetts. (McKevitt).

I Just Stopped By to See the Man Lorraine Hansberry Theatre, 620 Sutter; (415) 474-8800, www.LHTSF.org. $25-32. Previews Thurs/23-Fri/24, 8pm. Opening Sat/25. Runs Thurs-Sat, 8pm; Sun 2pm. Through April 9. Stanley E. Williams directs Stephen Jeffreys's play about blues great Jesse Davidson and the British musician who is ripping him off.

Juan Gelion Dances for the Sun Traveling Jewish Theatre, 470 Florida; www.crowdedfire.org. $18-30. Thurs-Sat, 8pm; Sun, 2pm. Through April 8. Crowded Fire Theater Company performs the world premiere of Dominic Orlando's take on evangelical Christianity and conservative politics.

Love's Labors Lost Exit Theatre, 156 Eddy; 621-1503, www.horrorunspeakable.com. $10. Fri-Sat, 8pm. Through April 8. No Nude Men Productions and director Stuart Bousel infuse Shakespeare's comedy with, if no naked bodies, then raw energy and a sexy, sassy humor backed by ample doses of alt-rock–driven dance fever. King Ferdinand (John Russell) and his three compatriots find their vows of cloistered intellectual study and sexual chastity completely undone as soon as the Princess of France (Kendra Arimoto) and her female retinue arrive on the scene — the scene being Navarre as trendy bar, overseen by barkeeps-servants Moth (Gina Seghi) and Nat (Lisa Rowland). The pursuit of knowledge turns to pursuit of the opposite sex, as Shakespeare limns the different ways men and women woo and fall in love in verbal fireworks sometimes admirably but only inconsistently reproduced by Bousel's uneven cast. Still, somersaults of language — especially from megawits Rosaline (Cassie Powell) and Biron (Ryan Hayes) — find a raucous echo in dance numbers like that between Armando (a slick and amusing Chris Carlone) and Jaquinetta (Alexis Perry, who with actor Margery Fairchild, also supplies the vibrant choreography). (Avila)

miss-matches.com Shelton Theater, 533 Sutter; 820-1454, www.miss-matches.com, www.brownpapertickets.com. $20-25. Extended run: Fri-Sat, 10pm. Through April 29. Leslie Beam performs her new solo show about relationships formed through the Internet.

Moky's Life 101 Exit Café, 156 Eddy; 673-3847, www.theexit.org. $15. Fri-Sat, 8:30pm. Through April 15. Green Tiger presents Moky Huynh's conversation/dance piece about finding courage in a cynical world.

Nightingales Zeum Theater, Fourth St at Howard; 749-2228. $12-15. Wed-Sat, 7:30pm (also Sat, 2pm); Sun, 2pm. Through April 2. American Conservatory Theater Young Conservatory performs a world premiere of Constance Congdon's play about American and British cadet nurses working together during WWII. A 1940s-style cabaret follows matinee performances.

Noises Off Willows Theatre, 1975 Diamond, Concord; (925) 798-1300, www.willowstheatre.org. $30-35. Previews Wed/29, 7:30pm. Opening March 31, 8pm. Wed-Thurs, 7:30pm (also Wed, 3:30pm); Fri-Sat, 8pm (also Sat, 2pm); Sun, 3pm (also April 23, 7:30pm). April 11, 7:30pm. Through May 7. Richard Elliott directs Michael Frayn's green-room farce.

*Not a Genuine Black Man Marsh (main stage), 1062 Valencia; 826-5750. $15-22. Extended run: Thurs-Fri, 8:30pm; Sat, 5pm. Through April 28. What, the unapologetically middle-class Brian Copeland asks, is the real meaning behind the phrase "a genuine black man"? By way of an answer, the stand-up comic and KGO radio host offers up a simultaneously funny and disarmingly frank story about growing up African American in the racist suburb that was San Leandro in the early 1970s. Letting his narrative bounce back and forth between his boyhood memories and a period of depression that overtook him as a parent in 1999 — and interlacing the autobiography with verbatim utterances from both sides of the fight his family joined to desegregate the city — Copeland brings admirable chops as a comedian to bear on some difficult and disturbing, if ultimately hopeful, material. (Avila)

*Our Lady of 121st Street SF Playhouse, 536 Sutter; 677-9596, www.ticketweb.com. $36. Wed-Sat, 8pm (also Sat, 3pm). Through April 8. In SF Playhouse's Bay Area premiere of the 2003 play by Stephen Adly Guirgis (a member of New York's esteemed LAByrinth Theatre Company), a group of old friends, lovers, acquaintances, and a stranger or two come back to the old neighborhood to attend the funeral of the late Sister Rose, their violent, alcoholic, but also occasionally compassionate former teacher. Unfortunately, Sister Rose's body has gone missing from its casket, turning her wake into a crime scene, which allows for an odd series of openings — as in old wounds, drunken confessions, and general brawling among the assembled. The play's two character-driven acts circle quite happily around the nun's empty casket with little in way of linear development. And yet Guigis's characters are so vivid and enjoyable, artistic director Bill English's staging so sharp and snappy, and his cast so uniformly excellent that you'll find yourself hoping nobody gets laid to rest too soon. (Avila)

A Perfect Ganesh Phoenix Theatre, 414 Mason; 383-5472, www.freerangetheatre.com. $15-20. Thurs-Sat, 8pm; Sun, 7pm. Through March 26. Free Range Theatre Company performs Terrence McNally's tale of friendship and adventure.

The Rivals American Conservatory Theater, 415 Geary, SF; 749-2228, www.act-sf.org. $12-76. Runs Tues-Sat, 8pm (also Wed, Sat, 2pm; no show March 29; April 4, 7pm); Sun, 2pm (also April 2, 7pm; no show on April 5). Through April 23. Lillian Groag directs an A.C.T. production of Richard Brinsely Sheridan's Restoration-error comedy of eras.

The Sex Diaries Dark Room Theater, 2263 Mission; 401-7987, www.darkroomsf.com. $13. Opens Fri/17. Runs Fri-Sat, 10pm. Through April 22. Locals Sean Kelly, David Henry Sterry, Sherilyn Connelly, and more read from their diaries.

*Swan Lake Orpheum Theatre, 1182 Market, (415) 512-7770, www.ticketmaster.com, www.shnsf.com. $35-85. Opens Tues/21. Tues-Sat, 8pm; Wed, Sat, Sun, 2pm. Through April 16. Matthew Bourne's topless male swans and their feathery breeches may get all the publicity, but it's justified. The guy-choreography is by far the best Bourne has come up with for this completely absorbing re-interpretation of the Russian classic. Sure the homoerotic undertone contributes to the frisson--will we ever grow up?--but the real stunner is the way Bourne portrays the swans's wildness. The total otherness of these dangerous creatures who surge into waves of attacks and recede into shyness, who support each other and compete to the death, is an act of genius imagination. The moment when The Swan--a fabulously burly Alan Vincent--nuzzles up to that frump of a Prince (Neil Penlington, a Tom Smothers look-alike) is pure heartbreak. The rest of the show is quite fabulous (if you don't look too closely at the dancing), and take it for what it is: one element in a tale awfully well told. (Rita Felciano)

BAY AREA

Anna in the Tropics Lucie Stern Theatre, 1305 Middlefield, Palo Alto; (650) 903-6000, www.theatreworks.org. $21-51. Extended Run: Tues, 7:30pm; Wed-Sat, 8pm (also Sat, 2pm; no 2pm show April 1); Sun, 2 and 7pm (no 7pm show April 2). Through April 2. A small family-owned cigar factory in the town of Ybor City, near Tampa, Florida, in 1929 serves as setting for Nilo Cruz's Pulitzer Prize–winner, taking its Bay Area bow in an able, enjoyable production by Palo Alto's TheatreWorks. Per tradition, the Cuban workers (toiling in a warehouse that in Duke Durfee's nostalgic scenic design looks more like a Sausalito boutique) employ a lector to read to them while they roll cigars. The arrival of the new reader, Juan Julian (David DeSantos), is thus an anticipated event made a bigger deal by the suave and charismatic young man's arousing choice of material, Tolstoy's Anna Karenina — and by opposition to Juan and the tradition (in fact tradition generally) by the owner's ambitious half-brother Cheché (Tommy A. Gomez). Life starts imitating art in several ways — including a sultry, romantic affair between Julian and the owner's unhappily married elder daughter (Vilma Silva) and a sense of impending tragedy. Cruz amplifies the latter theme in broader historical terms with the threatened coming mechanization and transformation of work at the factory, as director Amy Gonzalez and her fine cast smoothly realize the play's affecting and gradually engrossing melodrama. (Avila)

Bright Ideas The Ashby Stage, 1901 Ashby, Berk. (510) 841-6500, www.shotgunplayers.org. $15-30 sliding scale. Thurs-Sun, 8pm. Through April 23. Shotgun Players presents Eric Coble's comedy about competitive parenting directed by Mary Guzmán.

Culture Clash's Zorro in Hell Berkeley Rep's Roda Theatre, 2015 Addison, Berk. (510) 647-2949, 1-888-427-8849, berkeleyrep.org. $10-59. Tues, Thurs, Fri, 8pm; Wed, 7pm; Sat, 2pm, 8pm; Sun, 2pm, 7pm. Through April 16. Berkeley Rep's Tony Taccone directs comedic troupe Culture Clash in a world premiere performance about the infamous masked man.

Death of a Salesman Altarena Playhouse, 1409 High, Alameda. (510) 523-1553, www.altarena.org. $10-15. Opens Fri/17. Runs Fri-Sat, 8pm; Sun, 2pm. Through April 9. Sue Trigg directs Arthur Miller's classic tale of a man's desperate pursuit of the American dream.

Expecting Isabel Bus Barn Theatre, 97 Hillview, Los Altos; (650) 941-0551, www.busbarn.org. $20-32. Runs Thurs-Sat, 8pm; April 2 and 9, 3pm; April 5, 7:30pm. Through April 15. Bus Barn Stage Company presents Lisa Loomer's comedy about a couple who start a baby business.

Humble Boy The Barn Theatre, 30 Sir Francis Drake, Lagunitas. (415) 456-9555, www.rossvalleyplayers.org. $15-19. Thurs, 7:30pm; beginning April 6, also runs Fri-Sat, 8pm; Sun, 2pm. Through April 23. Ken Sonkin directs Charlotte Jones's play loosely based on Hamlet.

Sherlock's Last Case California Conservatory Theatre, 999 East 14th St., San Leandro; (510) 632-8850. $16-18. Opens Thurs/30, 8pm. Runs Fri-Sat, 8pm; Sat-Sun, 2pm. April 6, 8pm. Through April 23. Someone is trying to murder the famous detective in Charles Marowitz's satire.

Old Wicket Songs Marin Theatre Company, 397 Miller, Mill Valley. (415) 388-5208, www.marintheatre.org. $29-47 (pay what you can on Tues). Tues, Thurs-Sat, 8pm; Wed, 7:30pm; Sun, 2pm, 7pm; Sat/25 and April 15, 2pm; Wed/29 and April 6, 1pm. Through April 16. Mark Farrell stars in Jon Marans's drama about an American virtuoso pianist studying in Vienna.

*Show Boat Dean Lesher Regional Center for the Arts in 1601 Civic, Walnut Creek; (925) 943-7469. $30-35. March 30-31, 8pm. Lamplighters Music Theatre travels the Mighty Mississippi as only Broadway could have imagined it, on the 80th anniversary of Jerome Kern and Oscar Hammerstein's seminal musical. This elegant, semistaged concert production, expertly piloted by artistic director Barbara Heroux and conductor Karl Pister, brings Captain Andy's (Rick Williams) floating entertainment center, the Cotton Blossom, vibrantly and charmingly to life with buoyant performances all around. Based on Edna Ferber's novel, the story's relatively cohesive plot, characterizations, and theme-driven songs — along with its fairly serious and sympathetic references (at least for 1927) to race and miscegenation — contributed to Show Boat's historic remaking of the modern musical. But more than anything, it's the superb music (from "Old Man River" to "Can't Help Lovin' That Man") that makes it a trip still worth taking. (Avila)

Walking the Dead Berkeley City Club, 2315 Durant, Berk; (510) 326-8197, www.theatreq.org. $15-20. Thurs-Sat, 8pm; Sun, 2pm. Through Oct 29. Theatre Q performs Keith Curran's drama set at a memorial service for a transgendered murder victim.

Tales of the Lost Formicans The Pear Avenue Theater, 1220 Pear, Unit K, Mountain View; (650) 254-1148, www.thepear.org. $10-25. Runs Thurs-Sat, 8pm; Sun, 2pm. Through April 9. Rebecca Ennals directs Constance Congdon's play about aliens and the human experience.

DANCE

"CHIME Live!" Margaret Jenkins Dance Lab, 301 Eighth St, #200; 826-8399. Sun, noon. Free. Choreographers in Mentorship Exchange presents an event with Jose Navarrete and Jess Curtis discussing dance-making in terms of mentorship relationships.

*Paul Taylor Dance Company Yerba Buena Center for the Arts Theatre, 700 Howard; 392-2545, www.performances.org. Wed-Sat, 8pm (family matinee, Sat, 2pm); Sun, 2pm. $8-49. The company performs three different programs, including the West Coast premiere of the antiwar work Banquet of Vultures (Thurs-Fri). See Pick box.

San Francisco Ballet War Memorial Opera House, 301 Van Ness; 865-2000, www.sfballet.org. Wed/29, 7:30pm; Fri/31, April 6, and 8, 8pm (also April 8, 1pm); Sun/2, 2pm. $8-199. Program Five includes choreography by George Balanchine, Helgi Tomasson, and Mark Morris.

Strong Current Dance Company ODC Theater, 3153 17th St; 863-9834, www.odctheater.org. Wed-Sat, 8pm. $16-22. Kirstin E. Williams' company performs Tic Toc.

BAY AREA

Company C Contemporary Ballet Spreckles Performing Arts Center, 5409 Snyder, Rohnert Park; (707) 588-3400, www.companycballet.org. Sat, 8pm; Sun, 2:30pm. $21-24. The company's 2006 Spring Repertoire includes works by Twyla Tharp, Lynne Taylor-Corbett, James Sewell, and artistic director Charles Anderson.

PERFORMANCE

"4.48 Psychosis" Shotwell Studios, 3252 19th St; 289-2000, www.ftloose.org. Fri-Sat, 8pm. $10-20. SAFEhouse and Footloose present Jump! Theater's staged reading of Sarah Kane's play.

"The Art of Comedy" Canvas Gallery, 1200 Ninth Ave; 504-0060. Fri, 9pm. $5. Blue Blanket Improv performs.

BATS Improv Bayfront Theatre Fort Mason Center, Marina at Laguna; www.improv.org. Fri, 8pm: "Long Form Festival: Disco Romance," $12-20. Sat, 8pm: "Long Form Festival: Improvised Shakespeare," $12-20. Sun, 7pm: "Sunday Player Long-Form Performance," $5.

Big City Improv Shelton Theater, 533 Sutter; (510) 595-5597, www.bigcityimprov.com. Fri, 10pm. Ongoing. $15. The improv troupe performs.

"Dirty Little Secret" Empire Plush Room, 940 Sutter; 885-2800, www.empireplushroom.com. Fri-Sat, 11pm. Ongoing. $25. This evening of performance is a "roaring '20s revue."

"The FOB Show: Return of the Comeback" Bindlestiff Alley, 505 Natoma; 255-0440, www.brownpapertickets.com. Thurs-Sat, 8pm. Through April 15. $10. Filipino and Filipino American artists perform in this comedy variety show.

"How We First Met" Purple Onion, 140 Columbus; 348-6280, www.howwefirstmet.com. Fri-Sat, 8pm. Through April 29. $25. Real stories from audience members become spontaneous musical comedy at this show.

"I'm Gonna Kill the President! A Federal Offense" For "secret" San Francisco location, time, and price, call 1-888-475-6181. Sat. The Imagination Liberation Front present Hieronymous Bang's guerilla comedy.

"In the Rough" Traveling Jewish Theater, 470 Florida; 626-0453, ext. 105, www.playwrightsfoundation.org. Tues, 7:30pm $10-20. This developmental reading series is produced by the Playwrights Foundation. This week: Saviana Stanescu's Waxing West.

"Jump" nonrelease party For location and reservations (required), call 332-8867, ext. 102, or email chris@antenna-theater.org. Sat, 6pm. Antenna Theater holds a party for a work they plan not to release: a 1985 audio project about jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge.

"Luna Negra" Mission Cultural Center for Latino Arts, 2868 Mission; 821-1155. Wed, 7pm. $3. MCCLA and the Women's Spirituality Program of New College of California celebrate women in the arts with this evening of poetry, performance, and video.

*"The Romane Event" Make Out Room, 3225 22nd St; www.freedirtmedia.com. Wed, 8pm. $6. Paco Romane hosts this variety show, featuring comedians, musicans, film, and improv.

San Francisco Improv Cooperative Off-Market Gallery, 965 Mission; 368-9909, www.sfimprovcooperative.com. Mon, 8pm. Ongoing. $5. The improv collective hosts a "Monday Night Jam."

"The Sex Diaries" Dark Room Theater, 2263 Mission; 401-7987, www.darkroomsf.com. Fri-Sat, 10pm. Through April 22. $13. "San Francisco's hottest freaks" perform this variety show presented by Tech Slave Productions.

*"Spring Forward" Yerba Buena Center for the Arts, 701 Mission; 978-ARTS, www.kularts.org. Sat, 2 and 8pm; Sun, 3pm. Free-$25. Dancers, musicians, and cutting-edge artists perform in this weekend showcase of Filipino and Filipino American talent, presented by Kularts.

"Where My Girls At? Searching for Sistahood in the Bay" Jon Sims Center for the Performing Arts, 1519 Mission; 554-0402. Sun, 6pm. $5-15. Micia Mosely performs her solo comedy show.

BAY AREA

"April Foolin'" 142 Throckmorton Theatre, 142 Throckmorton, Mill Valley; (415) 383-9600, www.142throckmortontheatre.com. Thurs-Sat, 8pm. $20-35. Illusionist Patrick Martin performs.

*"Dangerous Beauty" Malonga Casquelord Center for the Arts, 12428 Alice, Oakl; (510) 597-1619, www.destinyarts.org. Fri-Sat, 7:30pm; Sun, 3pm. $6-20. Destiny Arts Youth Performance Company performs a hip-hop/spoken word/aerial piece on contemporary issues.

"Fictionalized Biographies" Berkeley City Club, 2315 Durant, Berk; (510) 845-8542, ext 376. Mon, 7:30pm. Free. Actors read short fiction by Penelope Lively and W. Somerset Maugham.

COMEDY

Brainwash 1122 Folsom; 861-3663. Thurs, 7pm: "Brainwash Comedy Open Mic," with host Tony Sparks, free.

Canvas Gallery 1200 Ninth Ave; 504-0010. Tues, 8pm: "Comedy Open Mic Night," free.

Club 50 Mason 50 Mason; 398-4129. Thurs, 8pm: "Comedy Kumite" A storytelling death match with SPF7 Improv, $10.

Club Deluxe 1511 Haight; 552-6949. Mon, 9pm: "Stand-Up Showcase," with rotating hosts Leah Eva and Sam Arno, free.

Cobb's Comedy Club 915 Columbus; www.cobbscomedyclub.com or www.ticketweb.com. Wed, 8pm: "All-Pro Comedy Showcase," $10. Thurs-Sun, 8pm (also Fri-Sat, 10:15pm): Charlie Murphy, $25.

Everett Middle School Auditorium 450 Church Street; (866) 468-3399, www.ticketweb.com. Sat, 7pm: "An Evening of a Thousand Scowls," the fourth annual comedy night and fundraiser for 826 Valencia featuring Sarah Silverman, Jimmy Kimmel, Patton Oswalt, Zach Galifianakis, and Al Madrigal, $20-75.

The Golden Bull 412 14th St., Oakl; (510) 893-0803. Sun, 7pm: A stand-up comedy showcase and benefit for Steve Chinn, $5.

Mock Cafe 1074 Valencia; 826-5750, ext 5, www.themarsh.org. Sat, 9:30 and 11pm: Stand-up comedy, $7.

Niebaum-Coppola 916 Kearny; 291-1700, www.sfcomedycollege.com. Mon, 8:30pm: "Comedy Coppola Style," with host Kurtis Mathews, free.

Our Little Theater 287 Ellis; 928-4060. Wed-Sat, 8pm: "Bay Area Comedy Showcase," $10-15.

Red Victorian Hotel 1665 Haight; (650) 346-4195. Sun, 7pm: "SF Sunday Comics," hosted by Amir Malekpour and Ira Brightman, free.

San Francisco Comedy Club 50 Mason; 398-4129, www.laughalotproductions.com. Wed, 7:30pm: "Laugh Dammit!," $10. Fri, 8pm: "Friday Night Comedy," with host Eric Peterson, $10. Sat, 8pm"Saturday Night Showcase," $10.

San Francisco Comedy College Clubhouse 414 Mason, Suite 705; www.sfcomedycollege.com. All shows free. Fri, 6pm: "SFCC New Faces." Fri, 8pm: "The Arsenal." Fri, 10pm: "Head to Headline." Sat, 6pm: "Petri Dish." Sat, 8pm: "The Stand-Up Project." Sat, 10pm: "Daggermouth."

Crystal Geyser Center Stage Pier 39, The Embarcadero at Grant, SF; (415) 646-0776, www.comedyonthesquare.com. Mon, noon, 1:30, 2:30: Fred Anderson performs family-friendly comedy and juggling.

SPOKEN WORD

Open mics take place almost every night in cafés throughout the Bay Area. If you want to perform, show up about half an hour before start time to put your name on the list. A day-by-day guide to spoken word events and featured readers:

WEDNESDAY: Canvas Gallery 1200 Ninth Ave, SF; (415) 504-0060, mike@westcoastvideo.net. "Open Mic Talent Showcase," 7:30pm, free. Galería de la Raza 2857 24th St, SF; (415) 826-8009, www.galeriadelaraza.org. Tomás Riley reads from his new book, 7pm, free.

THURSDAY: 16th Street and Mission BART Plaza 16th Street at Mission, SF; (415) 255-9881. "CAI Street Arts Workshop," open mic, 9:30pm, free. Dalva 3121 16th St, SF; (415) 290-5048. "Poetry Mission," open mic featuring Mark Schwartz with hosts Elz and Adam, 7pm, free. EastSide Arts Alliance 2587 International Blvd, Oakl; (510) 533-6629. "Holla Back," open mic, 8:30-10:30pm, donations accepted. Mediterraneum Café 2475 Telegraph, Berk; (510) 526-5985. "Word Beat Reading Series," featuring Phillip Deitch and Susan Birkeland, 7pm, free.

FRIDAY: Jon Sims Center for the Performing Arts 1519 Mission, SF; (415) 554-0402, www.jonsimsctr.org. Cindy Emch hosts a reading by queer writers Lauren Wheeler, Kelly Lee Beardsley, Meliza Banales, and more, 8pm, $8-12.

SATURDAY: Berkeley Art Center 1275 Walnut, Berk; (510) 644-6893. Rhythm & Muse holds an open mic, 7pm, free. Java Source 343 Clement, SF; (415) 387-8025. Open mic, 9pm, free. Magnet 4122 18th St, SF; www.magnetsf.org. Valencia Street Books 569 Valencia, SF; (415) 552-7200. Coffee House Press and Parthenon West Review present a reading by Greg Hewett, Ted Mathys, Truong Tran, and Roxane Beth Johnson. Red Vic Peace Center 1665 Haight, SF; (415) 864-1978. "Open Mic and Hot Tamales," 5pm, free.

SUNDAY: Café Melt! 700 Columbus, SF; (415) 392-9290. "A Literary Obsession," an evening of shared common verse presented by Raucous Rhetoric, 6pm free. Café Prague 584 Pacific, SF; (415) 905-8837. "Café Prague Reading Series" with featured reader Ozzy, 4pm, free. Cody's Books 2454 Telegraph, Berk; (510) 845-7852. "Poetry Flash," featuring Greg Hewett and Ted Mathys, 7:30pm, $2. Jewish Community Center of San Francisco 3200 California, SF; (415) 292-1219, www.jccsf.org. Anna Davidson Rosenberg Award for Poems on the Jewish Experience presentation and reading, 5pm, free. San Francisco Public Library Koret Auditorium, 100 Larkin, SF; (415) 557-4400. Robert Hass, Robert Faggen, Jane Hirshfield, Anthony Milosz, and more pay tribute to Czeslaw Milosz, 1pm, free.

MONDAY: Purple Onion 140 Columbus, SF; (415) 217-8400, www.caffemacaroni.com. "Live at the Purple Onion," open mic hosted by the Kitchenettes, 7-10pm, $5. Pegasus Books Downtown 2349 Shattuck, Berk; (510) 649-1320. Las Word hosts a ready by Judy Wells and Naomi Lowinsky, 7pm, free. Priya Indian Cuisine 2072 San Pablo, Berk; berkeleypoetryexpress@yahoo.com. "Poetry Express," 7pm, Fourth anniversary celebration, featuring KC Frogge and Frank Anthony, free. Unity Cafe 1661 Fillmore, SF; unitypoetry@gmail.com. "Unity Poetry" featuring Mark Schwartz with host E.K. Keith, free.

TUESDAY: Black Repertory Group Theatre 3201 Adeline, Berk; (510) 652-2120. "Twilight Tuesdays," open mic, 7-9pm, $5. Club Deluxe 1511 Haight, SF; www.thewordparty.com. "Poetry and Jazz Tuesdays," open mic hosted by Jennifer, Ingrid, and Daniel, 8pm, free. San Francisco Public Library Koret Auditorium, 100 Larkin, SF; (415) 557-4400. San Francisco Poet Laureate Jack Hirschman gives an inaugural address, 6:30, free. *