BALKANIZING REAGAN

By Will Durst

Thinning the Republican herd in this year’s
Presidential Sweepstakes is proving to be harder than
3-D chess with transparent pieces. In their first
three primaries, the GOP has mounted three different
heads on their electoral wall. And yeah, that means
I’m disregarding the great state of Wyoming, for the
simple reason they’re responsible for Dick Cheney, and
deserve to be ignored, if not flogged en masse and
shipped to China to be coated in a lead based paint
then towed to sea by the FDA. But the exciting part is
if Fred Thompson breaks out of his somnambulant trance
and wins South Carolina and Rudy Giuliani reminds
enough withered transplanted Floridians of the post-
squeegee wonder years up north, the GOP could roll
into Minneapolis for their National Convention this
September with an entire starting basketball team of
prospective candidates posing as Ronald Reagan.

Because that, apparently, is the current fashion.
Parading around as spitting images of the 40th
President, with an emphasis on the saliva. The problem
is they can’t find the whole package in one guy.
They’ve Balkanized the Gipper. The Christian Right is
genuflecting towards Mike Huckabee. The charm
contingent is sidling up to his Rudyness, while the
Screen Actors Guild wing is Clapping For Fred, Mr. Law
& Order himself. Reagan Democrats are big fans of John
McCain, and the conservative money boys from Wall
Street love that Mitt Romney character. Romney went so
far as to appropriate Reagan’s bulletproof hair,
undoubtedly garnering the Secret Service’s endorsement
due to the added protection his hard candy shell would
provide in the unlikely event he adopts a single
position long enough to get a bead on. One has to
consider Ronald Reagan lucky he’s in the ground and
doesn’t have to watch these poseurs go through their
paces or he’d be spinning in his grave like a
rotisserie chicken during a power surge. Not to
mention being royally pissed off about being buried
alive and all.

Curiously, two names you never hear mentioned in these
celebrity look- a- like pageants are “George” and
“Bush.” The President is studiously being avoided like
a broken pallet of eight penny nails in the center
lane of the Beltway. It’s a vacuum almost big enough
to suck an elephant through. They hope. Among the
names that do crop up on the campaign trail more often
than that of Herbert Walker’s son, are Barry
Goldwater, John Wayne Gacy and Bjork. And the Prez is
returning the favor by ducking out of town whenever
possible, leaving the field wide open for whichever of
the Dutch wannabees can best assume the mantle of
looking Presidential. Of course, the impact of that
little trick has diminished somewhat due to seven
years of exposure to it.

Playing the “Reagan- Good, Bush- Bad” game has become
so popular, candidates are clambering over each other
like blind lemmings outrunning a dam burst, with their
claims to be the ONLY one TRULY capable of bringing
CHANGE to Washington. Living in the shadow of the last
year of consecutive Republican Presidential terms (5
out of the last 7: 7 out of the last 10) and all the
Republicans can talk about is… change. You know what,
that can’t be good. Must be considered a back handed
slap at Dubyah. Unfortunately, it’s just a figurative
slap and not a real one upside the head. With a chain
mail glove. Which might be more cathartic of an
experience for the nation. And more deserved too.

If comic, actor, writer, Will Durst, had one shot at
George Bush, the only thing he’d ask is: “head or
gut?”

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