By A.J. Hayes
It's been said every star athlete secretly wants to be a rock star, and vice versa. Unfortunately, some sports icons also want to be actors. And if you've seen late Raiders lineman John Matuszak's performance in "Caveman" or Shaquille O'Neal's in "Kazaam," you know why the Oscar is not named after former Cubs pitcher Oscar Zamora, or ex-Cleveland Indian Oscar Gamble (though he did sport an award-winning Afro), or even basketball Hall of Famer Oscar Robertson.
Rappin' genie with attitude!
For every believable performance (NBA star Ray Allen in "He Got Game") there are a dozen "star turns" that should convince every sports figure that they should stay between the white lines -- and not read any scripts.
In honor of the recent (and rather boring) Academy Awards, here's a random look at the worst performances by an athlete that made it to the silver screen.
***Former Miami Dolphins quarterback and acting stiff Dan Marino plays himself in "Ace Ventura - Pet Detective" and delivers his lines with the pizzazz of a hard snap count.
***In "Kazaam," O'Neal played a seven-foot genie who wanted a career as a rapper. Shaq's parts were done with a subtly of a slam dunks, and that was just his rapping. As a genie, Shaq made Elizabeth Montgomery look like Dame Judy Dench. O'Neal has not made it back to the big screen since, but his recent performance in Miami -- in which he acted as if he was hurt and over the hill, in order to force a trade to a contender -- proves he may yet have a career in drama ahead.
***Apparently to make them selves look downright Shakespearean, Barbara Bach and hubby Ringo Starr drafted Matuszak to play Tonda, a brute in their unforgettable "Caveman." The larger than life 'Tooz filled out a fur tunic appropriately, but his dialogue, which consisted of grunting, will leave you with the strong urge to light a match.
Caaave-maaan!
***Michael Jordan made "Space Jam" in 1996, when he could do no wrong. To make sure he kept that reputation intact, the producers kept his dialogue to a minimum and had him play basketball the rest of the time. Still, after M-J played alongside Bugs Bunny, Porky Pig and other Looney Tunes characters in this turkey, all calls for Jordan to become more active in good causes mysteriously halted for good.
***In "Simon Sez," Dennis Rodman portrayed a tatted-up undercover Interpol agent searching for a kidnapped child of a computer whiz. If Simon Cowell of American Idol fame were to critique "Simon Sez," he would say -- or make that "zay" -- the wacky basketballer "was utterly atrocious, stick to cabaret performing."
***From 1974 through 1994, O.J. Simpson chewed scenery in a number of films, including portraying a smoldering firefighter in "The Towering Inferno," a bumbling Detective in the Naked Gun series, and a prize fighter in "Goldie and the Boxer." But of course he saved his best performance for his appearance as a double-murder suspect at his own 1995 trial.
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