By G.W. Schulz
Photos by Mirissa Neff
METAL HANDS: A GESTURAL GLOSSARY
Every metal show contains plenty of dudes who merely headbang softly to themselves with their hands stuffed into the pockets of their tight black hoodies. A sea of empty faces they are. What fun is that? In honor of our metal issue this week, here are a few ways you can cheerlead the next time you're at a metal show.
Classic horns A staid gesture to be sure — but fairly reliable. You know the drill here. Turn it to the side and pump it like a fist for added pleasure.
The Claw When deploying just one hand to exhibit the claw, as opposed to the invisible orbs, bring it close to your face and pull downward for a melodramatic affect. Growl a little, too, like it just can't get any more metal ... when deep down you know it really can.
Land ho There's really never been a sufficient name for outright pumping your fist or fists at a show, but some folks around here are calling it "land ho." It's better off with no distinct title. Fist pumping during violent blastbeats or a huge, doomy breakdown is raw and organic, like the beginning of time. It needs no name. And it spans genres. We advise, however, that you reserve dual fists for truly metal moments. The members of Portland, Ore.'s Tragedy have been known to throw out a fist or two while playing, but this is extremely dangerous and should be done by professionals only.
Invisible orbs This is a variation of the Claw, except that you do it with both hands and hold them out in front of you rather than near your face, as if you're holding two invisible orbs. We contend that the invisible orbs should be savored while you're listening to Scandinavian metal or anything heavily influenced by it. If you scan the artwork on old black metal records, the bands are often posing with some version of the orbs, gritting their teeth and trying to look as menacing as possible.
Shred faster, man This gesture looks a little like the Claw, but you save it for awesome, crazy solos when there's lots of noodling going on. With practice, you should be able to transition flawlessly from the Claw to the Shred.
Calling out the metal Even though it's a lesser-known gesture, this is still pretty funny. As the band is warming up, leaning into their Emperor custom amps and allowing the feedback to build and melt everyone's faces off, place your hand in your pocket like you're fishing for a phone. Pull it out again and "open" your thumb and pinky. Act as if you're dialing a phone and wave your hand like you're directing someone toward you. Then demand earnestly, "Bring it out, gentlemen. Bring out the metal." Please try not to be too much of a douchebag with it by yelling obnoxiously: you can overplay this one. It's mostly for amusing nearby friends.
The Goat This is serious business and may take years of metal devotion before you even consider an attempt, but we applaud anyone willing to give it a shot. It's sure as hell funny to watch someone try it after a few drinks. Place both your hands in the classic horn position, palms outward. Wiggle the two middle fingers bent downward on your right hand. Bring that hand behind your left hand and wrap those two middle fingers around your outer palm, keeping your other fingers extended. Bring the tips of your pinkies together and point them hellbound. Holy shit! You're doing the Goat! Use it sparingly. Thousands of defenseless children the world over have inexplicably dropped dead upon deployment of the Goat. It's that brutal.
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Comments (16)
Those aren't the Classic metal horns. The real metal horns do not include the thumb. The thumb is used to hold down the middle and ring finger. Did these people do any real research or did they just guess?
Posted by Pelzbells | April 2, 2008 03:08 PM
I love it!!!! This is the most fabulous post I have read all week. I'm ecstatic that someone other than myself has actually thought about the number of specifically "metal" hand gestures there are! And you lay it out so clearly, the pictures are a great touch.
Thanks for just making my day ;)
Posted by Cait Delphine | April 2, 2008 03:31 PM
In response to "Pelzbells" that's true, the real metal horns dont include the thumb--THAT means "I love you" in sign language. Which is clearly very different....
Posted by Cait Delphine | April 2, 2008 03:42 PM
Those are my hands on the cover, and after a long career of attending metal and hardcore shows, I knew that however we presented the glossary, someone would have a problem with it somehow.
If we were a punk zine instead of an alt weekly, God knows there would be 20 pages of small type in the letters section devoted to this subject in the next issue.
Here's why I believe the protruding thumb is permitted. When forming The Goat with both hands, as described above, extending the thumb is necessary to complete the top of the goat's actual head. They're not mutually exclusive, and in that sense, I think, it's perfectly acceptable to extend the thumb. Or not. Any additional variation shouldn't be permitted. Any additional argument suggests someone needs to get a life.
Plus, consider the environment. If you're a sweaty, drunken douchebag at a show, suffocating everyone with your unwashed hair as it violently slaps them across the face, stepping on everyone's feet, and spitting bar food formerly trapped in your beard onto your unsuspecting metal neighbors, is anyone really going to mistake your hand gesture for "I love you" in sign language?
Pelzbells, my favorite letters always begin with "If you were a real journalist," or they end with "Can't you do any real research?" Busted, pelzbells. If only we'd had your number before deadline.
Now, would you people send me e-mails in response to actual news stories I've spent weeks working on instead of a half-witted photo shoot that took 30 minutes out of a Friday afternoon?
Posted by G.W. Schulz | April 2, 2008 04:50 PM
Who the fuck is the retard who wrote that worthless piece of shit article????
Obviously NOT a true metalhead, just a wannabe who's bored with alt rock. What, bored with the White Stripes now? LOLOLOLOL
I've been in metal over 20 years, and we would NOT be caught dead using those DORKY hand signs. HAHAHAHA!
But, we would laugh at you guys in your girl's pants and emo haircuts.
DEATH TO FALSE POSERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And no, you CANNOT be part of our music, nor use our symbols.
\m/
Posted by Black Metal Martha | April 2, 2008 10:05 PM
Standing in the back at the Fillmore last night for Meshuggah I could see a number of horns with thumb extended elegantly silhouetted against the stage lighting. It appeared though that perhaps 90% of horn thumbs were not extended. The singer himself made extensive use of the claw as well as the invisible orbs. (Since I was in back it's not clear if any audience members were orbing or clawing since these gestures are made in front of the body and not overhead.)
Posted by db | April 3, 2008 12:24 PM
*&(*#&@^!&%@^$$@&!??!?!!?)(&%# *Dangf*
Now my fingers are all tangled up :(
Posted by roseman | April 3, 2008 01:23 PM
*cookie monster vocals* I love youuuuu I love youuuu \m/_
Posted by Andrew R | April 4, 2008 01:12 AM
Look, the thumb needs to be in to be the actual metal "sign of the horns". The thumb out (even if you have seen this on occassion by newbies or misdirected concert-goers) is not correct, ever. It can be facing forward or backward. Forward is more old school, backwards is more seen at extreme metal events but both are still proper. One can hold it high, extended at shoulder-height or bend one's elbow holding it near one's chest. That's it. Thumb out is not part of the deal in this culture.
It's cool that you will feature metal as you have but come on, it would be nice to get it right.
Posted by thumbs | April 4, 2008 10:01 AM
...in addition, I've never seen anyone "Turn it to the side and pump it like a fist for added pleasure." We don't do that. It even feels awkward to attempt.
Posted by thumbs | April 4, 2008 10:55 AM
Well, aren't we a bunch of smug little metalists? I find Pelzbells call for "real research" especially hilarious. Um, what would that entail, Pelz? Descending into the Fiery Pit via the secret entrance in the basement of the Amityville Horror house? Calling Ozzy on the batphone? George has been to plenty of metal shows--probably more than you--and if he throws his horns with a thumb, that's his get-down. Personally, I find it ruins the symmetry, but that's just me.
I find Black Metal Martha to be laughable, and yet frightening, in the vein of the Just Say No commercial, where the 35 year old dude is smoking weed in his room and his mom calls out to him to get a job, to which he replies: "I will tomorrow, Ma." Your strident calls for death to posers point out that your two-decades deep in the trenches of molten metal were mainly spent in your room burning the wizard bong at both ends and throwing the 8-sided die. Don't get out much, eh? Well, high school's over, Martha. In real life, you can listen to metal AND have a sense of humor. Yes, even about metal.
Seriously, how can you listen to the operatic, Nightmare Before Christmas clusterfuck that is black metal--ooh, scary--without a sense of humor? Must be rough.
Posted by Duncan Davidson | April 4, 2008 10:08 PM
Yep, the problem with having the thumb extended is that it converts the bad-ass devil's horns to a rather sappy "I Love You" (in ASL). Careful you ya flash *that* to at a sausage-fest!
Posted by I Love You | April 6, 2008 05:05 PM
Black Metal Martha: Do real metalheads use LOLs? What's the official position on smileys? Is there a Talmudic interpretation of leetspeak?
Posted by Kyle | April 7, 2008 09:45 AM
@I Love You
"Guardian cover photo mix-up leads to accidental solicitation of deaf gay metalheads, story at 11."
Posted by Ben Richardson | April 7, 2008 01:05 PM
This was the most fun I've had reading the Guardian in a long time. Great little add-on to the article. G.W., the visuals add a lot. I saved the piece until the end of the rest of the article so I could savor it. Great work!
Posted by Vic | April 9, 2008 09:04 AM
Yes, Black Metal Martha IS laughable. On the various Usenet groups on which she used to post we referred to her as "Mothra" and "The World's Oldest Teeny Bopper". When she got angry and had her atomic meltdowns - which was several times per day it seemed - I'd chide her, saying, "Oh look, Mothra is MAD because her copy of _Tiger Beat_ is late..."...
I see that instead of mellowing a bit as she has aged she has gotten angrier and more "manic". Not pretty for someone pushing 50, but I guess if I were a Black Metal Martha living an extended adolescence in a crummy studio flat in a gang - infested nabe I'd be plenty pissed too...
And yeah, music is something to be real passionate about but in the end it's *only* music - just because someone's taste differs is NOT a reason to wish them DEAD, fer cryin' out loud!
Martha is the *real* "poser" because she is obsessed with appearing "neat", "cool", "sophisticated", etc...
Maybe she has esteem "issues" because in junior high school she couldn't afford as many mohair sweaters as the pretty rich blonde girls had...who knows...!!!???
Lol...
Posted by Gregory Morrow | August 6, 2008 10:07 PM