By Ben Richardson
If you’re not a guitarist guitar nerd or a heavy metal aficionado, you’ve probably never heard of Yngwie Malmsteen. After seeing this picture, though, you’ve learned one thing about him: the man is a complete and total megalomaniac. Born into a musically gifted family in Sweden, Malmsteen (ne Lars Johan Yngve Lannerbäck) got his start as a 10-year-old guitar prodigy, honing his chops by cultivating a bizarrely retrograde obsession with virtuoso 19th-century Italian violinist and purported devil-in-disguise Niccolo Paganini.
Malmsteen arrived on the American hard rock scene in 1984, in those bygone days when neo-classical shredding was way cool. His debut with his band Rising Force was nominated for a Grammy and enjoyed considerable retail success, and he soon became convinced that he was some kind of rock star, a notion that he has apparently been unable to shake.
Marrying the ego that resulted from his impossibly fast playing to a kind of hairspray-diva complex that would put some of the '80s most overamplified misanthropes to shame, Malmsteen indulged in all of the usual buffoonery, rashing an expensive sports car, buying lots of gold jewelry, and never, ever buttoning his shirt higher than his navel.
Since his group’s inception, he has hired and fired seven different vocalists, an accomplishment of Spinal Tap-like proportions. Most recent at the mic is Tim “Ripper” Owens, the Judas Priest tribute band singer whisked from obscurity to front the mighty Priest and later inspire the wretched Mark Wahlberg vehicle Rock Star.
As the '80s drew to a close and shred-happy hard rock wankery fell out of fashion, Malmsteen stuck to his guns, high-kicking and pick-flicking his way across concert halls increasingly peopled by those more interested in the beats-per-minute of his arpeggios than the quality of his songs. He somehow managed to eke out a living through the hostile '90s, releasing albums on the ludicrously named Japanese label Pony Canyon and continuing his pattern of oafish behavior, pissing off his mother-in-law until she tried to have him arrested.
In 2002, Malmsteen was on a flight to Japan when an outburst of homophobic sentiment rankled a fellow first-class passenger so much that she poured her drink on him. The expletive-laced outburst that followed, replete with his promise to “unleash the fucking fury” on his douser was miraculously captured on tape by a quick-thinking crew member, and is still available for your listening pleasure. Not quite in on the joke, Malmsteen titled his 2005 full-length Unleash the Fury (Universal).
Three years later, the dude still doesn’t have a clue. When I first saw the album cover pictured above, I thought it was a parody - surely some wag had cooked up a fake cover for the amusement of the Internets. Fifteen minutes of incredulous Googling proved otherwise. The 45-years-old Malmsteen appears on the cover laboring under more Photoshop than Brooke Hogan on the cover of Maxim, pursing his lips in an unholy combination of Look What the Cat Dragged In, the Blue Steel pose from Zoolander, and a PSA against ill-advised collagen injection.
Despite angrily informing the members of Pantera on candid camera that he “don’t eat fuckin donuts”, Malmsteen has in fact gained a considerable amount of weight since his '80s heyday, and his trademark Fender Strat is positioned just so to camouflage his gut. The “perpetual flame” of the man’s playing might still be burning, as evidenced by the computer-generated flames issuing from his fingers, but the fire of his youth is definitely out.
It’s easy to mock performers like Malmsteen, but I can’t help feeling a little sorry for him. After promulgating his laughable larger-than-life image for more than two decades, how does he give it up? Get a haircut and trade in the leather pants for some sensible outfits? The man has been bluffing for most of his life, and at this point, it’s too late to fold.
One wonders, though, whom he thinks he’s fooling after all these years. The only people who are going to buy this album are fully cognizant of the fact that he’s a has-been and a goof, and as long as he plays the shit out of his guitar, they don’t care if he poses or performs with a crew cut, in a Zoot suit. Obliviously, Yngwie Malmsteen is still puckering up.
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Comments (8)
That's an absolutely atrocious article, filled with inaccuracies.
For instance, this passage:
"In 2002, Malmsteen was on a flight to Japan when an outburst of homophobic sentiment rankled a fellow first-class passenger so much that she poured her drink on him. The expletive-laced outburst that followed, replete with his promise to “unleash the fucking fury” on his douser was miraculously captured on tape by a quick-thinking crew member, and is still available for your listening pleasure. Not quite in on the joke, Malmsteen titled his 2005 full-length Unleash the Fury (Universal)."
The incident in question happened in 1988. One of Yngwie's band members (Jens Johansson, who has since admitted this fact) actually threw a Bloody Mary-stained tampon at another band member, missed, and hit a passenger, who threw water over a then-sleeping Malmsteen, provoking his (almost understandable) reaction. But then, never let investigative journalism get in the way of a biased hack-job, eh?
Malmsteen did gain a considerable amount of weight since his 80s heyday. But hey, who hasn't? In fact, he has lost over 50 pounds since 2004, and has kept it all off. He looks quite trim these days, contrary to what this article says, and is a damn sight fitter than you or I, as is clear from the energy he burns up every single time he hits the stage.
There are a host of other inaccuracies there, too. In fact, I'm wondering just what the point of this piece is. Perhaps there isn't one. Perhaps it just seemed cool to have a pop at someone who still has a viable career after 25 years, long after all the imitators have died away. Integrity goes a long way, it seems, to the apparent disdain of the writer.
Posted by Paul Morrison | September 29, 2008 03:31 PM
What do you have against him? Im not a fan but have heard him play on many occasions. Your article was laced with lack of respect. You dont have to like him but have you ever heard him play?
When was the last time you picked up your guitar and played like him???
Posted by Sean Miller | September 29, 2008 10:55 PM
I think the author might be a soured-up Nirvana fan who still hasn't gotten over a well-placed shotgut blast.
Posted by Frank Rizzo | September 30, 2008 06:24 AM
Writing for this blog has taught me that there is literally no one in the world you can make fun of without angering their dedicated keyboard militia, who will show up in the comments to excoriate you.
I'll address Frank Rizzo and Sean Miller's comments first: I am a metal fan. I enjoy Yngwie Malmsteen's playing, and readily admit that he is a fantastically talented guitarist. I have seen him live in concert, and I had a great time. None of this changes the fact that I think he is an egomaniac, with a noxious personality and an inability to give up the ghost of his hair-sprayed heyday.
Paul, you are correct that the incident on the plane happened in 1988, at least according to Yngwie himself. I regret the error. The audio clip seems to have surfaced in 2002, and the bylines of the articles reporting on the clip deceived me. In substance, however, I can't see how it really changes the import of the story. By Malmsteen's own admission, in a 2005 interview with Guitar Player magazine, "My band and I were all sitting in first class and getting shitfaced, throwing things around and doing some really nasty stuff." So he was being a douchebag in 1988, instead of 2002. Though I apologize for my confusion, I think my point stands.
You say there are a host of other inaccuracies, but you don't mention what they are. The section about weight is just confusing. How do you so much about Yngwie's fitness? How do you know anything about MY fitness? Again, you seem to be missing the point. There's nothing inherently wrong with gaining weight as you age; as you point out, it happens to a lot of people. When you persist in dressing like you did when you were skinny, however, in laughable Sunset Strip couture, you open yourself up to derision. And suggestions that you might be living in denial.
Posted by Ben Richardson | October 4, 2008 04:30 PM
I was reading the actual physical SFBG paper this weekend, and saw a picture of this album cover and I thought to myself, Wow, an album review of a CD that I might like to buy, so I searched the actual physical paper for the 'Noise' section and a review and could not find it. So I turned back to page 10 to see if it said what page it was on and I realized the 'story' about Yngwie Malmsteen's new CD was in a blog on the SFBG web-site, so I went to the web-site and spent more time searching for the review of the new CD and I found this useless, lie filled, piece of shit blog written by Ben Richardson. I know nothing about Ben, and I don't know why he would waste his time bashing the way a great guitarist looks on his album cover instead of listening to the music and giving us his opinion of the music. Why waste time rehashing half truths and comparing Malmsteen to Brooke Hogan (Who the Fuck is Brooke Hogan ?)[Who cares, really]. I can only say this, Fuck You Ben, I like Yngwie's music, if he wants to pretend he's a handsome, sexy Guitar God on the cover of his new CD, let him. If you want to write about him, tell me about his music.
Posted by Brian | October 6, 2008 02:22 PM
I got a chance to meet Yngwie in Miami this past summer for a couple of hours and had dinner with the guy. A couple of things I learned about him is that he is genuine about himself there's no bullshit. He does live in his own world so to speak I mean who live's the life of a rock star, drives a ferrari, plays guitar all day long, have fans worldwide and tours worldwide? Most people don't do that that is not a typical lifestyle. His family was cool but all in all everything revolves around his music and he feels strongly about it. It's all about the music to Yngwie nothing else. He doesn't make compromises in how he wants to deliver his music. And the musicians do make the money playing in his band so I wouldn't feel too bad for them. And no he wasn't an asshole, he was actually a funny guy and had lots of cool stories about his past experiences and life in general. Thanks!
Posted by Jose | October 12, 2008 09:09 PM
I can tell you about his new music. It's the same horrible rehashed garbage of his last 15 years of wankery. He will never be able touch Petrucci, Turilli and others who wrtie music instead of continue with the same boring guitar acrobatics. When someone who takes themselves so seriously, and is SUCH a douche bag, it is completely valid to make fun of them.
Good article Ben, YM sucks.
Posted by Dan | October 13, 2008 04:12 PM
As a guitar player all i have to say is that back in the day he was an awesome promising guitar player who contributed some good albums to rock and some new ways to play.
I dont believe he had another good era musically since then. He is just playing to fulfill his need to play music and of course to make a living and have a good time with his family and friends. Exactly like a middle-aged bank employee or every settled man and woman.
As far as the weight or the ego thing i find it ridiculous to pay attention to. We are customers buying music we re not gonna marry the guy. Shawn lane was a monster guitarist and was like double the size of malmsteen. Music comes first.
If you want to continue talking share our music, visit page www.myspace.com/mikemossproject
Mike
Posted by Mike_Gr | October 23, 2008 07:04 AM