By Justin Juul
BrokenCYDE: the musical equivalent of chopped fingers and molested children:
When anthropologists encounter bizarre rituals in faraway lands, they don’t pass judgment because it would defeat the purpose of the discipline. They try to remember that every culture has its own set of norms and taboos and that none of these belief systems is any more or less “right” than the next. Think about marriage for a minute. Most Americans insist that the nuclear family is the right way to go, but anthropology has shown us that other lifestyles are just as natural. Some men in India marry an entire line of sisters at the same time, rebellious Mormons may have twenty wives, Hugh Hefner lives in a robe and has sex with triplets half his age, etc.
These situations may seem fucked up to “us,” but you know what? Those people are happy and they get by just fine. Cultural objectivity is necessary because it promotes tolerance (pay attention CA voters!) and it encourages self-analysis. It is the key to enlightenment. Well, the same thing goes with music.
Take Dave Matthews for example. Now, you and I may agree that his band is total shit, but we both have friends who would argue otherwise (and they might even point out that we have Temple of the Dog on our iPods so who are we to talk). These are good things to keep in mind when you’re writing about music because they allow you to be critical of “bad music” without being a total dick and they allow you to be supportive of “good music” without sounding like a super fan. An objective stance is essential to well-rounded music appreciation and criticism. But, there are some bands that fall outside the I’m-okay-you’re-okay paradigm just as there are some cultural practices that simply cannot be tolerated.
Anthropologists began to question a strict relativistic approach when they discovered a remote clan of warriors that used finger removal to keep its women in line –no silent treatment, no divorce, just a quick chop with a rusty knife and then back to work. Then there were the Sambians in Papua New Guinea who believed that boys couldn’t achieve manhood without a steady diet of fresh semen. Academics saw these rituals, thought about them for years, and then finally said, “sorry dudes, that shit just ain’t right.” Some practices, it seems, are simply unacceptable no matter how you look at them. And so are some bands.
It’s something I wouldn’t have (publicly) admitted a week ago, but now that I’ve been introduced to BrokenCYDE, I can honestly say that some bands just plain suck. Nobody will ever be able to convince me that BrokenCYDE, a Screamo 2.0 ensemble that looks and sounds like a T-Pain/The Faint/NSYNC/Korn/Lil' Jon mash-up, has any redeeming qualities. The band’s newest single, FreaXXX, is the worst song ever made and the video for it is the worst video anyone has ever seen. Even the people who made it agree with me. But still, I guess it’s possible that I’m wrong. I mean, there is some lingering academic debate regarding the Sambians. As strange as it sounds, evidence suggests that most Sambian males were just fine with their tribe’s forced fellatio ritual until the Jesus freaks showed up. That’s just how they rolled.
Maybe it’s the same with BrokenCYDE. Maybe if we let them totally suck dick for a few more years, they’ll grow into a real band and blow our minds. But for now, let’s all rejoice. Music critics, you now have a band to compare all other bands to, an indisputable low-point on the spectrum of suckage. Aspiring musicians, you now have a bottom-of-the-barrel-point to which you’ll never fall. And the rest of us should be happy too. This video is totally gonna be a hit at all the Christmas parties we’re about to attend.
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Comments (4)
Total shit? See...now that's where you lose all credibility. I don't get why you wipes think it's cool to bash DMB or any other talent out there. There's types of music that I'm personaly not into but I respet them non the less. Good is good ....you have to respect good music. You don't.....which makes you a child.
Grow up.
Posted by genia | December 10, 2008 09:39 PM
The absolutely best part is that they have a t-shirt EXCLUSIVELY AVAILABLE AT HOT TOPIC. Take that, Tokio Hotel.
I'd totally do PhatJ the keyboardist though ....
Posted by Marke B. | December 11, 2008 10:19 AM
hey this single may not be as good as others but that does not mean brokencyde sucks. all our favorite artists sometimes drop stinkers but we love them because of their successes. And this "freaxx" calamity is a stinker indeed. But have you ever heard their other song titled "Schizophrenia"? That song is pure hardcore gold, and that is what they should be judged on. Not this calamity.
Posted by STFU YO | December 27, 2008 12:32 AM
ahahahahahahahahaha...."lets get freaky now...."....wow. I'm speechless. Their song just singed my eardrum hairs. I'm damaged for life.
Posted by Ariane | January 5, 2009 12:44 PM