Noise: SFBG Music Blog - SCENE: Kalri$$ian comes on to your sister

Taken from SCENE: The Guardian Guide to Nightlife and Glamour -- on stands in the Guardian now. Interview by Marke B. Photo by Matthew Reamer. Art Direction by Mirissa Neff. Crotch-buffing by Kalri$$ian. Location: Shattuck Downlow

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In these trying economic times, does the Bay really need a motor-mouthed, drug-snorting, pussy-obsessed playboy hip-hop collective — one that shouts out Eric Estrada, acid house, and Optimus Prime while bragging about using paper bags for condoms and instructing someone to "juggle balls in your mouth like a circus act"? Well, yes, actually. Hilariously quick-witted San Francisco-based beastly boys Kalri$$ian certainly bring the sparkling regression to match the recession — by channeling naughty spirits from rap's past like Kool Keith, Shock G, and Prince Paul, and literally melting themselves to audio gaga as they "lick Cool Whip off your flatmate." The bouncy braggadocio of Kalri$$ian's new album, Tales from the Velvet Pocket (Psychokinetics) and over-the-top flashback image somehow seem perfectly refreshing right now.

Experienced Bay nightlifers will recognize some long-time scenesters among the Kal's colorful cast. No need to fret over missing all the in-jokes, though — Kalri$$ian's got a million of 'em, and most involve doing lines off your girlfriends' ass. Check them out live at the release party for Daly City cool kid Mochipet's new Bunnies & Muffins platter:

KALRI$$IAN

April 4, 9 p.m.– 5 a.m., all ages
The Ranch
1433 Van Dyke, SF
www.kalrissianbaby.com

SFBG You sure got a lot of people — it's like you're a super group or something. Tell me about who's all involved ...

"UNCLE" TONY HIGHRISE (producer) You're goddamn right this group is super! I'll tell you what — I wouldn't have left Miami unless it was for something really, really super. I came up on the scene in Delaware back in the day. I was a freelance hype man for a while with my cousin Wicked Awesome J, rest his soul. After the accident, I drifted south and started wearing polyester. It just seemed like the thing to do. Polyester was tough in Miami — it's not that breathable, you know. But I was committed.

KEYLO VENEZUELA (producer) We ARE super group. We make fantastic sound music and tell our stories to everybody. The music is the passion that covers the world.

SMOOTH RICK CHOSEN (vocalist) I'm an ex-Barbazon School of Modeling student who got hooked on pills and realized he had a gift, in his pants.

CHACHI HARLEM (vocalist) I was raised in the slum village of Little Harlem, where I sold my body as a baby boy wonder with a long stroke for fun bags. After 18 years of old lady bing-bong, I ran away on tour with the Oakland Outlaws, a dyke roller derby team. I crotch-buffed my way to the Bay in 2002, and stumbled into Keylo at El Farolito. He was a crack/coco dealer ... perfect, right? And the rest is ... phew ... what was the question again?

TYRONE SHOELACES (vocalist) I've been pimpin' based out of the North Beach neighborhood since the third grade. Soliloquies always rolled off my tongue like lady glaze, so I knew early on I should grab the mic. I wanted to start my career real rockstar-like, so I went over to 24th and Mission in my trick-a-copter to get some blow, and I met Keylo ... he introduced me to the rest of the guys. They said I could get on a track if I could deliver some ladies. We were recording within 12 minutes. Mind you, I had no hos in the area at the time; I worked it from scratch.

FELIX LIVINGLOW (vocalist) I was found on the steps of Bow Church in East London.

BERNIE "THE TOUCH" GOLDSTEIN (accountant) Felix is rather guarded about his upbringing, but rumors are he went on the run after getting caught spying on Prime Minister Tony Blair's wife in the shower while masquerading as a milkman. I can only tell you I met him on a gig Tyrone put together — he was the muscle, I was the brains and charisma.

SFBG Who came up with your dope name, ha.

KEYLO I came to Uncle Tony and ask for ideas on how to make a story-vocal super music fantastic group. We lose our focus for our regular big band exotica in Miami and move to California to record with our friend Chachi Harlem and his band. I call the caravan RV motor van we take to California as "KALRI$$IAN" ... after a dream I take about money and Jesus.

BERNIE I think it was me who coined the name, while eBaying some assets I collected from someone who owed me a lot of money. I haven't forgotten you, Timmy Jacobs!

CHACHI All I remember is that I woke up in the Green Door Room at the Mitchell Brothers, where Keylo introduced me to Tyrone and Felix. They worked a hot dog stand and did a sideshow double-dutch act with four strippers and the longest anal beads you can imagine. Keylo said to me, "These dudes are crazy!" I said, "No, they're KALRI$$IAN."

UNCLE TONY I was the one who thought of the name KALRI$$IAN. I was a pretty big Star Trek fan when I was a kid.

A Taste of Kalri$$ian from Ben Sutherland on Vimeo.

SFBG What can we expect from a KALRI$$IAN live show?

BERNIE Expect to be impressed by these boys. Chachi has more steps than a Mexican pyramid. Felix has the angelic voice of a deep-throating choirboy. Keylo ... his hypnotic eyes will look right through you. Rick's got more horsepower in his pants than a '73 Skylark. Tyrone's got lines like a fat lady's ass. And Uncle Tony ... well, he's just Uncle Tony. Not to mention the ladies ... oh, the ladies: Kitty L'Amour, Holly Blow Lighty, Ladymasters ...

TYRONE Imagine if Gallager, GWAR, Slick Rick, Jim Morrison, and Sammy Davis Jr. had a filthy sex dream at the same time. But, like, no dudes touched other dudes and Tony Bennett was rapping, but like real good. I've also heard "2 Live Crew meets Beastie Boys with just a hint of Weird Al." Expect tight choreography, well-dressed men, scantily clad women, and on-stage drug and alcohol abuse.

UNCLE TONY It's a lot to take in. You see a lot of Rick's goddamn cock, that's for sure.

SFBG Tell me a dirty Kalri$$ian story

TYRONE We did a bunch of coke with your magazine's photographer and got him tag-teamed by two hotties at the release show.

KEYLO During record of "Stick It Inna Broad," I make Tyrone bring two of his girls and tell Felix and Chachi have real sex with these. I set up two microphones to make proper stereo sound record, and then bring up Baby Uptown to cause crash of fun-time! Haha! Tricky tricky surprise! This is some of the way how we cause emotion of passion in the music to happen.

FELIX Are you hitting on me? No? Are you sure? Call me.