Semiconscious Consumerism: American Spirits light the way to the finish lineJust in time for the Fourth of Independenciality, another installment of our Semiconscious Consumerism blog by confused-with-a-capitalism-C Justin Juul. To read about his previous Nike vs. American Apparel torment, click here.
Sweatpants and Spirits. Fannypackin' across the Bay to Breakers finish line.
I started smoking when I was 14 years old and I’ve never been able to stop. The gum didn’t work. The patch didn’t work. The plastic cigarette holders that show tar buildup didn’t work. Shit, even adopting a rigorous jogging schedule (I’m up to 25 miles a week!) hasn’t done anything to curb my appetite for tobacco. I’m a smoker through and through. But at least I’m a healthy smoker, a highly functional smoker as we’re called. I run, I bike, I don’t eat meat, and I only smoke American Spirits, the healthiest cancer sticks on the market. Just kidding! I do smoke American Spirits, but I’m not dumb enough to buy into all that hippy marketing crap. I was at one time though.
I switched from Parliament Lights (In know, I know) to American Spirits about three years ago because I believed all the hype about American Spirits being, if not healthier, than at least less addictive than regular smokes. I figured if I could switch to a brand with no chemical additives it would make quitting that much easier. Not true. I smoke just as many cigarettes these days as I did when I smoked the evil stuff. But that’s not where the trickery stopped. I also smoke harsher cigarettes now because I mistakenly assumed that, in the American Spirit color-coding system, blue meant “Light.” But it doesn’t! Blue, the color of the sky and the ocean, actually means “Full-Flavor.” Yellow stands for “Light.” The American Spirit Company actually tricked me into ingesting more nicotine. But I’m not mad.
American Spirits may not have helped me quit smoking. But they’ve done a lot for my image. When people see me smoking American Spirits they think Now there’s a bright, socially conscious, young gentleman, a true non-conformist, a rugged individual. I can now look down on regular smokers for not being able to think for themselves, for not understanding that buying tobacco from a hippy commune in New Mexico (which is actually owned by the RJ Reynolds Corp!) is much more noble than buying stuff from a bloodthirsty corporation like Phillip Morris. Also, because American Spirits are endorsed by dipshits like Marc Johnson and Billy Bob Thornton, I can subtly vibe other smokers for being un-hip. Which is all that matters in the long run. Smoking cigarettes is cool, but smoking American Spirits is cooler. Plus, they taste better. End of story.
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Comments (3)
"I should start running"
yea thats what I thought after reading this.
I cant smoke other cigarettes because like others im allergic to cemicals closely related to jet fuel. lol
later
Posted by tim | November 1, 2008 05:15 PM
HAHAHAHAHA.
Posted by Tia | November 17, 2008 04:41 PM
When I first began to smoke American Spirits, I seemed to smoke a lot less, but eventually I was back up to 2 packs a day. But I finally quit.
I was up in Vegas packing up a friend’s stuff after I took him over to the nut house at the Air Force base, which is another story all to itself. It was hot. September is usually brutally hot in Vegas. In fact, now that I think about it, it was the day after 9/11. I was still taking Depakote and a slew of other mind-bogglers. I was well over 350 pounds and felt like shit. Walking up the stairs, in the afternoon sun, smoking a cigarette, I passed out. I do not know how long I stayed on the stairs, but I eventually came to and crawled up the stairs. Once in the apartment, I soon needed another smoke, but I didn’t have enough breath to get it lit, so I cooked it over the stove to get it lit, but still couldn’t inhale it very well. I was terrified that I couldn’t smoke anymore, so I kept trying to smoke. Soon, I could inhale a little of the precious gas, but after one or two puffs I had to put it out. By the fourth day, I thought that maybe I should part ways with my dear old friend, but even after weighing the pros and cons I was reluctant to overreact. For the past few days, I probably smoked the equivalent of 2 cigarettes per day, so I guess I was weaning myself off of the nicotine whether I like it or not. Not. One morning I woke up and new that if I started my day with one more puff that I would keep trying to smoke the rest of my life. I quickly flushed the rest of my cherished American Spirits down the shitter before my addiction could come to its senses. I stayed in that apartment a couple of more days, until I ran out of food. I drove the hundred miles back to my home in Kingman, AZ, stopped at the grocery store, went home, and isolated for a while. I ate a lot of Cheeze-Its and chocolate in between jacking off. At first I couldn’t be around smokers because of the temptation, but that wore off eventually. I had quit smoking many times before, with success from one hour to one year, but I am still smoke free today. Not because of anything heroic on my part, but because I now Know the truth about taking even a little puff of someone’s cigarette. I still get a desire to smoke but I know that these pass. I don’t give in to the temptation and I don’t fight it. I just tell myself that I will wait an hour to have a smoke. I think about my fat ass sprawled, half dead, sprawled out on those stairs in the afternoon sun and soon the urge to smoke leaves.
Posted by Pat O'Brien | January 9, 2009 04:24 PM