Semiconscious Consumerism: American Spirits light the way to the finish lineJust in time for the Fourth of Independenciality, another installment of our Semiconscious Consumerism blog by confused-with-a-capitalism-C Justin Juul. To read about his previous Nike vs. American Apparel torment, click here.
Sweatpants and Spirits. Fannypackin' across the Bay to Breakers finish line.
I started smoking when I was 14 years old and I’ve never been able to stop. The gum didn’t work. The patch didn’t work. The plastic cigarette holders that show tar buildup didn’t work. Shit, even adopting a rigorous jogging schedule (I’m up to 25 miles a week!) hasn’t done anything to curb my appetite for tobacco. I’m a smoker through and through. But at least I’m a healthy smoker, a highly functional smoker as we’re called. I run, I bike, I don’t eat meat, and I only smoke American Spirits, the healthiest cancer sticks on the market. Just kidding! I do smoke American Spirits, but I’m not dumb enough to buy into all that hippy marketing crap. I was at one time though.
I switched from Parliament Lights (In know, I know) to American Spirits about three years ago because I believed all the hype about American Spirits being, if not healthier, than at least less addictive than regular smokes. I figured if I could switch to a brand with no chemical additives it would make quitting that much easier. Not true. I smoke just as many cigarettes these days as I did when I smoked the evil stuff. But that’s not where the trickery stopped. I also smoke harsher cigarettes now because I mistakenly assumed that, in the American Spirit color-coding system, blue meant “Light.” But it doesn’t! Blue, the color of the sky and the ocean, actually means “Full-Flavor.” Yellow stands for “Light.” The American Spirit Company actually tricked me into ingesting more nicotine. But I’m not mad.
American Spirits may not have helped me quit smoking. But they’ve done a lot for my image. When people see me smoking American Spirits they think Now there’s a bright, socially conscious, young gentleman, a true non-conformist, a rugged individual. I can now look down on regular smokers for not being able to think for themselves, for not understanding that buying tobacco from a hippy commune in New Mexico (which is actually owned by the RJ Reynolds Corp!) is much more noble than buying stuff from a bloodthirsty corporation like Phillip Morris. Also, because American Spirits are endorsed by dipshits like Marc Johnson and Billy Bob Thornton, I can subtly vibe other smokers for being un-hip. Which is all that matters in the long run. Smoking cigarettes is cool, but smoking American Spirits is cooler. Plus, they taste better. End of story.
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