Compiled each Wednesday by Breena Kerr.

Dr. Carol Queen talks multiple orgasms on Fri/6

>> Live Action Sex Education! With Tracy Bartlett
Pre-register by going to: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/54759
Hands-on workshop covering hand and oral techniques, anatomy, and communication skills. Bring a partner, blanket and pillow. Tracy Bartlett has a master’s degree in counseling, and has taught numerous classes and workshops at universities, events and sex shops around the country.
Wed/4, 6:30pm-9:30pm, $50-$60 per couple
The Center for Sex and Culture
1519 Mission, SF.
415-255-1155
www.centerforsexandculture.com

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>> Red Hot Romance 101 (After Hours Workshop)
This interactive workshop is for anyone who wants to rev it up and create a night to remember. Promises to teach the art of hot romance and make sex way, way better.
Wed/4, 8pm-10pm, $25 if pre-registered, $30 for drop-ins
Good Vibrations (Valencia)
603 Valencia, SF.
415-522-5460
www.goodvibes.com

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>> Sex Workers Writing Workshop with Gina de Vries
Experienced and beginning writers welcomed: an experience for those who have worked in any area of the sex industry to respond to a prompt, write, and receive non-judgmental feedback.
Wed/4, 7pm
$10-$20 sliding scale
The Center for Sex and Culture
1519 Mission, SF.
415-255-1155
www.centerforsexandculture.com

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>> Dr Carol Queen on Multi-Orgasmic Sex
Sexpert, educator, author, and activist Dr Queen leads a discussion on sexual practices and how to achieve multiple orgasms.
Fri/6, 5:30pm, free
Good Vibrations (Berkeley)
2504 San Pablo Ave., Berk.
1-800-289-8423
www.goodvibes.com

Each week, Justin Juul combs the SF Craigslist Personals and Missed Connections for true gems that prove there's enough love for everyone.

Doesn’t it suck when you see a little or morbidly obese person at the mall and, before you even have a second to feel extra confident at their expense, you get blindsided by a wave of guilt? I mean, you may be a little chubby or short, but at least you can get laid sometimes, right? At least you have friends! These folks must live in a private and sexless hell with nothing but their love-smothered pets to keep them from pulling the plug. And the worst part is, there’s nothing they can do about it. What a cruel, cruel world! Well, you can stop with the mind fuck. If anything, you should be jealous.

After all, you and I have to go to ridiculous lengths just to get noticed. Buying cool clothes, getting tattoos, and pretending to like Animal Collective are only the beginning. Sometimes we even have to become artists or writers or musicians … anything just to stand out a little. [Ed Note: good luck with that.] But not fabulous human anomalies. All they have to do is turn on a computer and start scrolling through ads, because for every midget with a pee fetish, and for every fat lady with a mustache, there are at least 50 people in San Francisco who are down for showering them with love.

And they’re all on Craigslist.

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Midget Fetish - m4w - 21 (Your Place)
Reply to: [redacted]
Date: 2009-01-23, 2:13AM PST

Ok, plain out and simple: I wanna fuck a midget. I gotta know what it’s like. If you're a lil’ person, or if you know a lil’ person who wants to hook up, let me know ASAP.

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Only Anorexic Chicks Need Apply - 27 (Ingleside / SFSU / CCSF)
Reply to: [redacted]
Date: 2009-01-31, 12:02PM PST

This is what I want: an anorexic chick. Hell, I won't discriminate, bulimic chicks are pretty hot too. If you want to split hairs, sure, chicks on diets or just with creative eating habits, you're cool people to me too. If you have an A cup, legs almost as thin as your arms and wear a size 0, you're my kind of girl. If Lindsay Lohan is fat compared to you, that's a plus. If you wear kids clothes because adult clothes don't fit you, even better. As far as I'm concerned, the skinnier, the better. And this isn't a snub against meatier girls either. I just don't find you attractive. Please don't take it personal and/or send me hate emails about how my request is inherently sexist or perpetuating some sort of hegemonic power structure against women. Seriously, I don't care. I like what I like. Simple as that.

By Andrea Nemerson. View more Alt.sex.columns here.

Dear Andrea:

I went for a test and the nurse found a genital wart. I have had more than 20 sexual partners and enjoy casual sex occasionally, but I always use condoms (plus the pill, just in case). I feel embarrassed, like I've been irresponsible, but I thought I was protecting myself thoroughly. How can I get over this and feel OK about sex again? And are there ways to keep from getting another wart?

Love,

Dirtied

Dear Andrea:

I just found out I have a genital wart. It's a really small bump that could have been there awhile without me noticing. I've had it treated with freezing and have cream to apply to it; but I've been doing research and I keep getting conflicting information about how long it will last, whether any kind of sex is safe while it's still there, how infectious it is, and what to do if it doesn't go away.

I feel gross and dirty about it. I always use condoms and I don't know where I could have gotten it. To make matters worse, I have a new boyfriend who doesn't seem to have noticed anything wrong. Now that I've found out about this, I am dreading telling him. Help!

Love,

Sullied

Dear Andrea:

I found out I have HPV and I don't even know how I ...

Dear Warty Readers:

OK! We have found some warts. Until someone claims to have acquired them on purpose, or to have been accidentally exposed but really stoked about it, I will assume that everyone is feeling kind of miserable and a little soiled and having a hard time coming to terms with it. This is completely understandable. Indeed, it is expected. Having an infectious disease which may affect your ability to find happiness with other human beings would certainly be harsh enough; the whole STD thing adds insult to injury.

Personally, I think STDs need an image makeover. Syphilis never seemed to shock anyone in Elizabethan literature, but everyone was poxy then anyway, not to mention smelly. We've had centuries of crass jokes and shame campaigns since, though: a kind of cumulative shaming which no public health department's "it could happen to anyone" message is going to be able to alleviate. Of course you feel bad.

By Juliette Tang

The Gospel according to Anal

When my twisted mind thinks of a "Christian sex toy," I think of Linda Blair and her crucifix in The Exorcist. But for many, Christian sex toys are something else entirely. And no, I'm not talking about the The Diving Nun. Because when I think of Diving Nun, I start thinking about the Diving Bell and the Butterfly.

What was I talking about again?

Oh yes, Christian sex toys.

Wow, I didn't think we'd kick off this blog with so much ass play -- usually I wait for the check to clear first before the flip. Hang with us folks, we've got a bunch of porn posts coming up, including our sure-to-be-classic "Ask a Porn Star" feature, and interviews galore.

Oh, and we here at the Guardian just published our G-Spot guide to love and lust, including features on sexy aphrodesiacs, hipster porn, sending the perfect valentine, and way more Valentine's Day events than either I or local ramrod Antonio Biaggi's sex partners can handle.

Your SEX SF editor,
Marke B.

By Juliette Tang. Read her indepth article about the ironic hipster-altporn connection here.

They may look like a slightly trashier, more dolled up version of the run-of-the-mill American Apparel clad hipster, but the girls above aren't really hipsters at all. They're porn stars dressed as hipsters, and they make movies for Vivid-Alt, a subsidiary of Vivid Entertainment dedicated solely to, quite frankly, heterosexual hipster porn. And no, I'm not talking about those Richard Kern photographs in Vice Magazine. I'm talking about hardcore sex -- in tube socks.

Alternative porn, or "altporn," is nothing new, at least not since the advent of the Internet. While magazines like Hustler and Playboy have formulated the aesthetic of mainstream print pornography, the Internet created a democratic space inside which divergent interpretations of sexuality could be easily presented. Altporn began in the late 1990s with Web sites like GothicSluts and EroticBPM and was initially just an Internet anomaly. But due to the popularity of early altporn sites, new Web sites began to appear, altporn gained a measure of popularity, and by the time SuicideGirls surfaced in 2001, altporn was a full-fledged genre of pornography in and of itself. Seeing as early altporn followed the popularity of subcultures like the goth, punk, and emo movements, it was only a matter of time before altporn 'turned all hipster' (as everything is, it seems, these days).

A clip of The Doll Underground, directed by Eon McKai

I got a chance to chat with director Eon McKai, who has made movies for Vivid-Alt like Girls Lie, Debbie Loves Dallas, and The Doll Underground, a movie that, as improbable as it seems, is actually inspired by the Weather Underground. Eon, who calls himself an "aging hipster," says that everyone at Vivid-Alt is "a part of the subcultures that we represent, so if you look at the people who are behind it, I think you'll find that they are pure to the street, and everything is authentic." And he is totally, completely serious about his mission.

By Tim Redmond

The United States Justice Department has a long history of trying to turn porn into a crime. I still have my personal copy of the Meese Commission report, which includes perhaps my favorite line in the history of governmental bureaucratise:

"We will now address the problem of mere nudity." (A lot of that going around.)

So I have to say, I was pleased to see that the Obama administration is close to giving the Number Two job at Justice to a guy Goodvibes describes as "pro-porn, pro-choice."

David Ogden would probably use other words to describe himself; he's a widely respected lawyer who served in a number of jobs in the Clinton Administration. But, oh, he has the right-wing up in arms.

Imagine: He actually represented the American Library Association. And he represented the National Association of Social Workers in arguing that gay people still face discrimination in America.

Oh, and yes: He has represented Playboy. He once argued that it was okay for the Library of Congress to use federal money to print Playboy articles in Braille. (Interesting concept, there; I wonder what they did with the pictures.)

So he's hardly a crazy radical, but he's our kind of guy. And that would be a very nice change in Washington.

In which super sexy porn people answer questions -- each week -- from Bay Area locals
By Justin Juul

Lorelei Lee

Fielding your questions this month is local celebrity, Lorelei Lee. Lee specializes in fetish porn (water torture, whips-n-chains, electrocution, etc.) and has a blossoming side-career as a writer. Check out some of her movies/pics here and then stop into The Makeout Room on Valentines Day (Sat/14) to hear her read at Writers With Drinks.

Heather D: Does your vagina/asshole hurt all the time? And if not, what's your secret?

Lorelei Lee: I do sometimes get sore, but more often it's my back or thighs that hurt from being, for example, in squatting reverse cowgirl or pressed up against some uncomfortable object - like a desk or a table. I try to do some stretching before my scenes. Actually, it's pretty much the same thing for my ass and vag muscles – you have to warm yourself up and make sure your muscles are relaxed before you let anyone else penetrate you. I warm up with my own fingers and plenty of lube. Other girls often use their own dildos or butt plugs that they bring to set with them. And we always use a lot of lube – you don't see that part in the edited movie, but in between shots we are reaching for the lube bottle.

David C: Do female porn stars have fluffers?

Ann Sims continues her list of sensual edibles to get you in the mood, with this little flower menu.

“Flowers are the plants’ sex organs,” writes Diane Ackerman in The Natural History of Love, “and they evoke the sex-drenched, bud-breaking free-for-all of spring and summer.” Bring the garden into your kitchen (and then into your bedroom) with a variety of edible flowers, including nasturtiums, chamomile, orange blossoms, dandelions, fuchsia, hibiscus, and honeysuckle.

For a delectable nectar, try this easy hibiscus cooler:

½ cup dried hibiscus or other edible flowers
2 drops essential oil of orange
¼ cup sugar or honey
orange slices for garnish

By Juliette Tang

According to the "Passion for Christ Movement," or P4CM, "We want you to rock it, but you better have confidence. People will be clowning on you. If you walk into a 7-11, people will be joking and snickering, and you almost want to direct it to those people, telling them, 'You're all laughing, but probably cuz you're all still masturbating."

Is public humiliation really the cure for masturbation? Because we know that after your mom caught you masturbating that one time under the sheets, you completely stopped masturbating cold turkey. Riiiiight. Isn't it enough that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten and an angel loses his wings? No, not according to P4CM, the masturbation experts:

More hilarious shirts after the jump:

Juliette Tang continues her journey into the altporn world. Read her interview with Vivid-Alt's Eon McKaye here .

God's Girls is an altporn site that is like SuicideGirls except for the fact that it's not SuicideGirls - and nor does God's Girls mention "Suicide" anywhere in the title, which makes me like them more on default. Plus, they have Stoya, and they don't lock their models into impossible contracts. Based in California, God's Girls offers user-submitted DIY erotic photos and videos, plus a social networking community with user blogs, discussion boards, original writing, interviews and more. In our current installment of altporn interviews, the SFBG sat down with Annaliese Nielson, founder of God's Girls, to learn more about the altporn, DIY erotica, and the GG way of things.

SFBG: First, what is the story behind your site?
AN: God's Girls was an idea that i developed over the course of the summer of 2005. I knew a lot of hot girls who seemed to have no problem with nudity and I knew some amazing photographers, most notably Matthew Cooke, who I met during my own foray into modeling. And I had a generous friend who was willing to loan me the money to get everything going. It was just a very natural thing for me to get involved in. I saw myself surrounded by all of this fun and sexual openness and creativity and I knew it needed to be documented. I felt that I could do a better job than some of the people who have alt-erotica sites. I felt that I could be more fair to models, create better content and put together something that girls are proud to be a part of. It all came together relatively easily and after shooting content for a year (God's Girls has always been about amazing content and lots of it-- even when it was just a concept without a website yet) and the site launched in June of 06. This has truly been one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life. I have met so many amazing girls and amazing members of my site.

SFBG: Can you describe how you get the content for God's Girls? It's all DIY, right?

By Breena Kerr

Send your personal Valentine's day horror story (300 words or less) to culture@sfbg.com by Wednesday, Feb 11. We'll print our favorite on the SEX SF blog, and its writer will win two tickets for a five-course meal and a show at Teatro Zinzanni.

Though it's tempting to write off Valentine's Day as a Hallmark holiday invented by Corporate America, the truth is that its origins extend back much further than American capitalism. In fact, it's thought the celebration we know today started with the Christian appropriation of Lupercalia, the mid-February pagan festival ancient Romans celebrated to honor the coming of spring.

Back then, ancient priests (Luperci) sacrificed a goat and a dog for fertility and purification. The goat's hide would then be sliced into strips and carried into the streets by boys who paraded around, dipping the lengths into bowls of sacrificial blood. Making their way across town, the young men slapped women and crop fields with the bloody strips, marking them with the promise of fertility for the coming year — and getting their girls horny in the process.

Thus the Valentine's Day connection between sex and carnage was born. In our modern times, however, the carnage is often less literal and more emotional: impossible expectations, botched dates, ridiculous gifts, and horrible sex. In honor of this day of Great Disappointments, we invite you to send in your Valentine's Day horror story.

I'll get us started with mine, courtesy of V-Day 2008:

By Rita Sapunor

Live in San Francisco long enough, and you're going to get invited to a sex party. Stay longer and it's only a matter of time before you're considering throwing one yourself. When this time comes, you're going to have a lot of questions to ask yourself, questions like: Which friends would be the least awkward to have sex in front of? Should my sex party be more about spiritual connection or hardcore action? What is the range of this whip, and should I tape off a safety boundary for liability purposes? Unfortunately, there's no Judy Blume novel to get you through this challenging rite of passage. This is where San Francisco's Center for Sex and Culture comes in.

CSC's mission is to provide sex-positive education to diverse communities through informational lectures, experiential classes, and cultural events. Curious and not not horny, I trudged through the rain on a recent Friday night to attend CSC's panel on group sex, lead by psychologist and sex party enthusiast Reid Mihalko.

With five minutes until curtain call, Mihalko is setting up, adjusting mic volumes and straightening the tablecloth. "Does everyone know where the bathrooms are?" he asks, breaking the silence. I can't remember a time when a host of any sorts addressed bathroom location so immediately, but then Mihalko is no ordinary host. Blond, six feet five inches tall, and with a strong build, Mihalko is a play-party veteran with the penchant for linen to prove it.

Tonight he and his eight-member panel will reveal the ins-and-outs of what can make and break a play party, which is basically lifestyle community-speak for orgy: planned parties wherein the guests, in some manner, get it on — throw pillows optional. All the event's panelists have not only attended, but have planned and staged play parties, some just for women, some just for men, some for "advanced players" and others for the tantra-inclined. The panelists double as massage therapists, sexologists, writers, teachers, and event planners who fell into the scene and took to it like fish to water.

We, the audience, are just here to watch and listen for tonight, but I get the impression that not everyone's a novice here, as two long-lost friends recall a wild party from 20 years ago and many others touch and kiss as easily as they speak. One woman leaves her seat just before the show to return with a handful of hard candies. "Who wants something sweet?" she asks, in an Isabella Rossellini–esque accent. She passes them out to the most enthusiastic. "One left!" she announces. "Who wants one?"

"Why not?" postures one older gentleman in a fanny pack.

"Why not??" she asks in mock shock, retracting the cellophane-wrapped candy. "Do you want it or not?"

By Molly Freedenberg

All Benni wants for Valentine's Day is you ... and another tattoo.

The first Suicide Girls event I attended was a prom several years ago, before SGs became minor celebrities, appearing on Real Sex and in Dave Grohl's video and touring the country with Warped Tour or their own burlesque show. It was held at some dive bar near the Tenderloin, the kind of place where you drink cheap beer and don't want to put your jacket on the ground. My how things have changed. Now, the alt pin-up site will co-host an event at the swanky Supperclub for Valentine's Day. The event promises to be interesting eye candy for casual observers and hardcore SG fans alike, as not only will tattooed and Manic Panic-ed sexpots be in attendance, but performing aerial tissu and go-go dancing. And since SGs also have come a long way since their original underwhelming live performances -- thanks to an influx of models who also are talented performers, as well as better stage management and choreography -- chances are the shows will be worth seeing for more reasons than just witnessing your online masturbation material come alive. (Though that's as good a reason to go as any.)

Feb. 14, 7:30pm-2am, $100
Love is Hell (in Bed)
Supperclub
657 Harrison, SF
(415) 348-0900
www.supperclub.com

By Molly Freedenberg

Speaking (still) of Suicide Girls, those lovely ladies of alt erotica have published a new book (Suicide Girls: Beauty Redefined, 2008). This one's big and glossy and pretty, with full page photos of select girls organized by location.

I can't deny that it's attractive coffee table material for the yuppie punk. Intro pages look very art-booky with their big, bold type; and the nudie photos are uncomplicated with text or information (other than the model's Suicide Girls moniker). It's certainly more sleek and sophisticated than the first book (SuicideGirls, 2004).

But that's why I like the first book better.

In which super sexy porn people answer questions -- each week -- from Bay Area locals. View the last installment here.
Mediated by Justin Juul

Fielding your questions this month is local celebrity, Lorelei Lee. Lee specializes in fetish porn (water torture, whips-n-chains, electrocution, etc.) and has a blossoming side-career as a writer. Check out some of her movies/pics here and then stop into The Makeout Room on Valentines Day (02/14/09) to hear her read at Writers With Drinks.

Michelle M: Are you ever concerned about your privacy?

Lorelei Lee: I’m not exactly sure what aspect of my privacy this question is meant to refer to. I’m not that famous. I mean, no one (to my knowledge) is searching through my garbage or anything, although I do occasionally get recognized in the grocery store or at a bar or walking down the street.

Sometimes people will come up to me and say hello or stutter something endearingly unintelligible. Often, people will say, “you look so familiar,” but they won’t be able to remember why they recognize me. They’ll ask me if I’m “on television” and I’ll say, “Sort of.” Recently I was leaving a BART station and a boy riding by on his skateboard actually fell down on the sidewalk and shouted, “Holy shit!” I was startled and looked at him, and he said, “Uh… you’ve been in movies, haven’t you?” I couldn’t help but laugh. I shook his hand and said, “nice to meet you,” and he kind of stumbled off in the other direction.

Each week Justin Juul highlights a rad upcoming local sexy event

What: “XOXO Third Annual All-Mediums Nude Art Show” is a mixed-media exhibition featuring local artists obsessed with boobs and butts. All paintings, sculptures, and photosets are based around the idea that clothes suck and that if you can’t even admit that on Valentine’s Day, then so do you. Sounds by DJ Gold, Ultraset, DJ Mama Bear, and Chuck the Naked Saxophone Player. Curated by Go Go Gracie Gallery.

Who: In a perfect world, Chuck Hepburn, aka Chuck the Naked Saxophone Player, would have enough time for all of his hobbies: physics, the saxophone, and nude modeling. But sometimes it’s just not possible. Or at least, that’s what the government and the police would have us believe. Bullshit!

By Marke B

Dickinson fetes dick

Do those "Oscars of gay porn," the GayVN Awards, actually help premium homosexual video productions gain a wider audience? Sure there's the "recognition of your peers" aspect for directors, actors, key grips, etc -- you may be surprised, but down those stubbly, grunting faces run the tears of several clowns -- but do you honestly rush out after the awards are announced and snatch up the winning discs?

Well, we don't know about that, but the whole shiny shirted shebang -- hosted this year at the Castro Theatre on March 28, with satellite events all weekend -- sure is a lot of septum-searing fun. (We'll have all the details on the wild pre and after parties here as the "big event" approaches.)

By Molly Freedenberg

Lesbians do it in bed.

It seems everyone has a pillow fight fantasy. For some, it's along the lines of the slumber party/adolescent masturbation material variety. For the brilliant cacophonists who started the annual Valentine's Day pillow fight in Justin Herman Plaza, it's more flash mob than skin flick. But don't think that takes any of the sexiness out of it.

Oh, no.

In fact, there are few things more exciting, more cathartic, and just plain fun than hundreds of strangers hitting each other with soft things in the name of love. So grab your pals and your pillows and head to the Embarcadero on Saturday. Just remember: hide your bedding the best you can on the way there, and don't start swingin' til the clock hits six.

Hittin' it in 2008.

(Like public wackiness a la Santacon and the Pillow Fight? Start planning now for The Brides of March on March 14.)

Pillow Fight
Feb. 14, 6pm, free
Justin Herman Plaza, SF
pillowfight.info

Check out more Valentine's Day events at www.sfbg.com.

By Molly Freedenberg

Sure, we've mentioned Shindig 69 once before, but we think a party honoring the go-go-inspired sexiness of the '60s is worth mentioning again. (After all, without the history of go-go dancers, how would we all know what to do with those raised platforms in dance clubs? You know, the ones you need seven shots of tequila to even get near ...)

The highlight of this event, which serves as both pre-V-Day celebration and a fundraiser for the Keep a Breast Foundation, is surely the Devil-Ettes. For nearly a decade, this gaggle of dancing girls has been delighting audiences with their synchronized moves, short skirts, long boots, and cheeky cuteness. This time 'round, they're joined by ubiquitous MC, singer, and burlesque performer Kitten on the Keys, as well as Kiki Bomb, Kellita, The Riff Ditties Orchestra, and The Cement Gardens - plus DJs from Bardot a Go Go, Teenage Dance Craze, and Tiki Oasis.

Put on your Pucci mini, or polish your mod mane, and head on over for some good dancin' and an even better cause.

Shindig 69
Feb. 12, 8:30pm, $10
Rickshaw Stop
155 Fell, SF.
www.devilettes.com

Also check out more Valentine's Day events at www.sfbg.com.

By Andrea Nemerson. View more alt.sex.columns here.

Dear Andrea:

During sexual intercourse, what techniques can the woman do with her vagina to make sex feel really good for the man?

Love,

Trixie

Dear Trix:

Why is this question making me laugh? I'm afraid it might be — I'm almost positive it is — the indelibly etched sequence from an early South Park episode, the one where Winona Ryder shoots ping-pong balls ... well, maybe you had to have been there. But it's making me laugh, anyway.

So, what can you do with your vagina that doesn't involve ping-pong balls? You do know you don't have to do all that much, right, since the vagina is pretty much already designed evolved to feel good to penises? Unless there is a terrible size mismatch (in either direction, but I was thinking small M/big F), the man is not likely to have too many complaints. Aside from that, oddly, the answer actually is the ping-pong ball trick, or pretty near. Those Patpong ping-pong girls and their sisters, who made that sort of thing famous, were developing their pubococcygeus and associated muscles, doing the famous Kegel exercises. I think Kegels may be overrated — they are good for a lot, but the way they get written up you'd think they could reverse global warming, revive Britney Spears' career (well, they might could do that), and figure out what to do about Gaza, all on their own. They can't really do any of those things, but if you develop a whole lotta muscle tone down there, you can perform a modest version of the ping-pong trick and pleasantly surprise a boyfriend. You can add extra lube, you can try that warming stuff, you can play with ice, but mostly what you're going to be doing is squeezing and releasing to various tempos and with varying degrees of pressure. Other than that, I'm afraid there just aren't that many tricks the old girl can get up to. I mean, it can juggle, sort of, and do a good approximation of the squirting-flower joke, but it can't spin plates or do a triple lutz or make an elephant disappear. And if it can make an elephant disappear, I'd really rather not hear about it.

Love,

Andrea

Dear Andrea:

Are there things I can do with my penis that will make sex feel better for my girlfriend? It's good now, but I was wondering what could make it even better.

Love,

Eager Student

Dear Stu:

By Johnny Ray Huston. From this week's "Speed Reading" on SFBG.

ANDY WARHOL: BLOW JOB

By Peter Gidal

Afterall Books

86 pages

$16

It's too easy, really, to say that an 86-page appreciation of Andy Warhol's Blow Job is the critical equivalent of the film's title. One potentially funny — though also provocative — aspect of Blow Job is its 36-minute length, a span of time that would make any jawbone, even a purely imaginary one, ache. As filmmaker and writer Peter Gidal points out, that time span is partially achieved through projection — like Warhol's screen tests, Blow Job is presented at the silent-film speed of 18 frames per second, though it was shot at 24 or 25 frames per second.

Blow Job -- sped up to its shooting time

Compiled by Breena Kerr -- with a little romance, for the occasion

Mistress Tatiana talks bondage on Mon/16

>> Romance For the Rest of Us with Marcia Baczynski
Ever wondered what to do when your partner asked you to “be more romantic?” According to relationship coach Marcia Baczynski, real romance is not what you think. For anyone who wants to plan an original Valentines day or put more V-day in their day today.
Thu/12, 7pm-8:30pm, $20 sliding scale
The Center for Sex and Culture
1519 Mission, SF.
415-255-1155
www.centerforsexandculture.com

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>> My Sucky Valentine!
Thomas Roche invites other San Francisco’s funniest underground writers to share their Valentines holiday horror stories of February 14th foibles and love gone awry. Don’t just sit at home and be jaded- go to this event and turn your V-day disgust into laughter and passion for the spoken word.
Fri/13, 7pm-10pm, $10-$20 sliding scale at door (no one turned away)
The Center for Sex and Culture
1519 Mission, SF.
415-255-1155
www.centerforsexandculture.com

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>> Bound Gods Video Party Plus- Male Dungeon Party
Van DarkHolme, producer/director of Kink.com hosts a screening, signing, reception and part-ay that includes BD/SM porn viewing upstairs and “fully equipped” (ie also with lots of willing volunteers) dungeon downstairs. A few volunteer spots are still available -- to inquire, email brochlex@comcast.net.
Fri/13, 8pm-1am, $10 for membership, Partners get in free
1277 Mission St, San Francisco
415-626-1746
www.sfcitadelmen.org.

Each week, Justin Juul combs the SF Craigslist Personals and Missed Connections for true gems that prove there's enough love for everyone. View his last installment here.

Remember back in grade-school when you would compete with your friends to see who could make the thickest, longest, or craziest shit? It was a great pastime, but there was always that all-star kid who’d ruin it for everyone by going the extra mile. Like, he’d eat nothing but almonds and vanilla pudding for a month to make his shit white or he’d steal his grandma’s enema kit to make a poo-cano. With that kind of dedication there was just no beating the guy so, if you’re anything like us, you probably just moved on. You graduated high school, went to college, got a job, etc.

We’re all happy and content in our adult lives now, of course. [Ed Note: Ha.] But don’t you sometimes wish you’d kept at it and learned some of the tricks that seemed to come so naturally to your friend? Just imagine how much better your sex life could be!

Well, it’s never too late to start. And it’s easy too. Just jump on Craigslist and get to mingling. If you look hard enough, you might even be able to track down and re-challenge your ex poo-nemesis. Just brace yourself. You won’t believe the type of shit he’s into these days.

Justin Juul takes on singular porn hottie Buck Angel in part one of this exclusive SEX SF interview.

Buck Angel is a dude who makes a living having sex with other dudes in movies with names like “Buckback Mountain,” “Pig Ass,” and “The Buck Stops Here.” He has huge muscles and tattoos, smokes expensive cigars, and lives in Mexico where people don’t give a shit about anything. But that’s not what makes this dude so cool. Buck Angel is exceptional because he has a pussy instead of a dick.

Buck Angel started his entertainment career way back in ‘80s as a super skinny, super hot, fashion model named Susan. Seriously, he was so hot even Howard Stern wishes he could go back and “do him” (although the feeling isn’t mutual). Modeling was great for a while, but Susan knew she’d never be happy as a woman. So she became a Buck instead.

The Guardian recently sat down with Angel to find out what happens when chicks stop being chicks and start being dudes with vaginas who fuck other dudes for money and fame (or something like that).

Part One: On Being A Man With a Pussy

SFBG: Hey Buck, before we get started, I just want to get one thing straight: you’re a transsexual, right? I admit I’m not too familiar with guys who used to be girls. What do you call yourself?

Buck Angel: Ok, well, I’m obviously not a very politically correct person so this might sound weird, but here’s the deal: a transsexual is someone who changes his or her sex so obviously, I am a transsexual. I’ll always be a transsexual, but I don’t live my life that way. When I think about transsexuals, I think about people who are in the process of going through a sex change. That’s not me. I’m finished with my sex change and I’m a man!

SFBG: So you’re just, like, a dude?
Angel: Exactly.

SFBG: What about your pussy?
Angel: I’m a man with a pussy, dude. It is what it is.

By Molly Freedenberg

Vau de Vire heats up Cosmic Love Ball this weekend.

It seemed perfect. When you and your partner met last summer, you agreed you both hate to celebrate Valentine's Day. But as the holiday approaches, you're starting to sense that one of you might not be as satisfied with a Saturday night of TV dinners and missionary sex - you know, the same old same old -- as previously suggested. If you want your morning BJ on Sunday, you realize, you're going to have to start planning and shopping. Fast.

That's where we come in. We've compiled a list of (even more) sexy events and creative gift ideas to get -- and keep -- your honey in the mood. And if you're single? Perhaps these ideas will help you meet someone you can lie to next year about hating the holidays.

EVENTS

Bawdy Storytelling JellyFish Gallery, 1286 Folsom. Feb. 11, 7-11pm, $5-$15. The series celebrates its second year with a "Coitus Interruptus" themed evening: tales of prurient cessation and carnal comebacks, featuring host Dixie De La Tour, Tim Barsky, Kirk Read, Cathy Goerz, Leo Petropolis, and more. Bring your own bottle.

Cosmic Love Ball 2: Silver & Skin CELLSPACE, 2050 Bryant. www.starsapphire.org.
Feb. 14, 9pm, $10-$15. Star Sapphire, in conjunction with Vau de Vire Society, presents this funky, festive event, featuring performances by Materialized, Vau de Vire dancers, and aerialists; live body painting; and beats by DJs from Green Gorilla, Space Cowboys, and more. Dress up!

Fuck Love, We Want Money The Uptown, 1928 Telegraph, Oakl. (510) 451-8100, www.uptownnightclub.com. Feb. 13, 9pm, $10. Black Widows Burlesque, San Francisco's original gothic strip revue, sexes it up (and maybe scares the shit out of you) bloody Valentine's style.

Lucky Love 13 Anon Gallery, 285 9th St. www.anonsalon.com. Feb. 13, 9pm, donations welcome. Join the folks responsible for Sea of Dreams (and a host of other kickass parties) for a red and black ball.

Melissa Gira Grant gets deep about the San Francisco sex scene every Thursday on SEX SF.

Interesting sex lives are all alike; but every boring San Francisco sex life is boring in its own way.

“Justin” moved to the Bay Area from Modesto – not seeking some sexual refuge, but heeding that other great siren call, a software engineering job in the Valley. He’s still in his early 20s, and cute in that slight and skinny way. You would never know that he’s got a secondary encrypted operating system running inside his computer just for his transwoman-on-man porn.

Hip San Francisco sex has little room for someone like Justin. That has nothing to do with “internalized” anything on his part, some lack of sophistication it’s all too easy to dismiss. “I know about Diva’s,” Justin tells me, referring to the club for transwomen and the genetic males who admire them. The reason he doesn’t go isn’t because he’s ashamed – it’s because he doesn’t want to come off as some chaser creep. “I've spent way too much time objectifying them,” he says. “Which is fake, but at some point, you think that real life might be that way. You know it's not, but it's what you see.”

Instead, Justin relies on Craigslist. He probably spends too much time on Casual Encounters, he says, “which is where most of the t4m [transgender-for-male] ads are.”

That is, there aren’t as many ads from transgender women in the regular dating section of Craigslist, and they don’t have a dedicated “seeking” listing except under “miscellaneous romance” – and he’s not just looking to fool around.

Juliette Tang continues her journey into the altporn world.

Recently, I chatted with Annaliese of the famous altporn site God's Girls about nudity, tattoos, and DIY photography. In this installment of altporn interviews, I got the chance to talk to Cutter Smith of Altporn.net, the blog to read if you're a fan of altporn. We literally talked about everything -- Cutter is a veritable encyclopedia of altporn knowledge, and his site reflects his thoughtful, intelligent, and knowledgeable obsession with observation of his favorite genre of porn.

SFBG: First, what is the story behind Altporn.net?
Altporn.net: AltPorn.net was launched five years ago with a mission to be the centralized source for fans of the altporn scene. The scene had been around for a while, but was starting to gain more mainstream attention, and we wanted to keep a focus on what we feel are the good attributes of the genre. Here is a quote from our original first post and explains our origins well: "Probably the coolest aspect of this is the DIY-vibe of many of these sites. They aren't necessarily run by guys like the Colonel from Boogie Nights -- many of them are run by men and women who want to express something less degrading and cynical than what the mainstream adult industry is producing. So my interest here is to highlight some of the cool stuff coming out of this movement." And we've been doing it ever since.

Justin Juul takes on singular porn hottie Buck Angel in part two of this exclusive SEX SF interview. See part one here.

SFBG: How did people in the porn industry respond to you when you first opened shop?
Angel: Oh man, it was really rough at first. People just thought I was weird, I guess, and they didn’t want to give me a chance. They didn’t want to talk to me, they didn’t want me at their shows, nothing. But, I’m a fucking pioneer, you know, and that’s just how it is when you set out to do something totally unheard of. The situation has changed a lot since I’ve become so successful on my own though. I mean, I just won an AVN award and that’s huge! But it wasn’t easy getting here.

Sheryl Gould's dating horror story may not be Valentine's Day specific, but it was so good we named her the winner of our Valentine's Day Horror Story contest anyway. Congrats to Gould, who will receive two passes for dinner and a show at Teatro Zinzanni. And condolences to anyone who's dealt with the kind of date she describes.

TABLE FOR THREE (or THE CALIFORNIA WRATH)

There once was a girl who had grown quite irate
She vowed to never date men from her state

She took one last chance,
In the name of romance
And veered from her path,
Inevitably to face the “California Wrath”

This man, he loved to smoke the green,
His home was immaculate & his body was lean

Minimal & orderly, you could eat off the floor,
No condiments stood in his refrigerator door

A couple of bong rips he was off & running
Even the gabbiest girl would indeed find it stunning

Babbling nonstop, not a breath in between
The excess of his yammer would shock even a teen.

Overlooking the obvious, much to her chagrin
Let the dating mistake begin once again

Caught up in a moment, “adult time” commenced
Disregarding the ominous doom that she sensed

Romping & rolling he was unable to speak
Enabling her (temporarily) to forget he was a geek

In thralls of passion, these words he did utter
(can’t believe I can write this, it just makes me shudder)

“Is your pussy happy” is that what you said?
In horror, she lay there on her back, on his bed

Grammatically erroneous, disgusting & lewd,
Would a response “it’s repulsed” come across rude?

In which super sexy porn people answer questions -- each week -- from Bay Area locals. View the last installment here.
Mediated by Justin Juul

Fielding your questions this month is local celebrity, Lorelei Lee. Lee specializes in fetish porn (water torture, whips-n-chains, electrocution, etc.) and has a blossoming side-career as a writer. Check out some of her movies/pics here.

Tony T: What does a porn director tell you to do? How specific does he/she get?

Lee: Sometimes we get very specific direction, exact positions and order of actions. Sometimes the scenes are scripted. But the majority of my work is what’s called “gonzo” porn – which basically means it’s all sex, no plot. In most of these scenes, I get a basic premise for the scene, a set-up, and a few specific actions. For example, if the film is called “Anal Nurse Whores,” we definitely will be expected to wear stethoscopes (just kidding) – and then we are given free-reign. Most of my performances are improv within specific parameters.

By Andrea Nemerson. View more alt.sex.columns here.