Compiled by Molly Freedenberg

Will U and U be my Valentine? Learn how to ask at Negotiating Successful Threesomes.

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>> Clothes-On Sex! Resurrecting the Art of Frottage
Indulge your inner teenager and recapture those days of long, carefree make-out sessions - the days before "The Sex" started to overshadow everything. Sex and relationship educators Nellie Wilson and Reid Mihalko host this fun, informative, sassy, and arousing class on outtercourse.

Thu/2, 7-9:30, $30
Center for Sex and Culture
1519 Mission, SF.
sexandculture.org

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>> 91/2 Years Behind the Green Door
Simone Corday reads and signs her memoir about her first-hand experiences stripping at the Mitchell Brothers' O'Farrell Theater, the place Hunter S. Thompson referred to as "the Carnegie Hall of public sex."

Fri/3, 7pm, free
Good Vibrations
603 Valencia, SF.
www.goodvibes.com

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>> Negotiating Successful Threesomes
Is three company or a crowd? Do it right and three's just a downright good time. Reid Mihalko helps those interested in M-F-M, F-M-F, F^3, M^3, or any combination of three consenting adults figure out techniques, common mistakes, and how to negotiate boundaries with live demonstrations and lots of laughs.

Sat/4, 7-10pm, $30
Center for Sex and Culture
1519 Mission, SF.
sexandculture.org

By Molly Freedenberg

While catching up on the last season of the L Word last night, I was reminded that I'm not that into porn. Thing is, I do get turned on by media - photos, stories, movies - just rarely media that's meant explicitly, or exclusively, to excite me sexually. Call it a girl thing. Call it a woeful lack of porn geared towards my particular interests. Whatever you call it, it doesn't bother me - primarily because there are so many other places (besides actual, you know, life) I find sensual stimulation. Here are some of my favorites:

1. The L Word

It's been awhile since I've watched this Showtime series about ridiculously attractive, femme-y lesbians in L.A. But as I watched the steamy tango (real, not euphemistic) between Bette and Tina in the second-to-last episode of the series, I was reminded of how sexy I used to find all the girl-on-girl action that punctuated every episode. I didn't even realize how much until I tried to watch it with my Mom. Both uncomfortable, we turned it off halfway through. "I think I'd rather watch this ... uh, alone," she said. My inner embarrassed teenager and I couldn't have agreed more.

Just one example: Shane and Carmen. (Please ignore the cheesy music.)

By Molly Freedenberg

I've recently realized that Ellen Sussman's Dirty Words: An Encyclopedia of Sex (Bloomsbury, 2008) was a strange (good? bad?) choice as the first book I would read on the bus during my first month of car-free living in San Francisco. And not simply because the subject matter of an anthology of essays inspired by words like "cunt," "fuck," and "dirty sanchez" might have the potential to turn me on, which could either lead to embarrassingly obvious physical symptoms (flushed cheeks, unusual frequency of crossing and uncrossing legs), or simply the frustrating reality of wanting to do something (get off) somewhere I can't (the bus).

No, the main issue, I discovered, is the chapter heads. Each new section starts with the word in question, big and bold and impossible to miss. CUM! HAND JOB! VAGINAL EJACULATION! It's as though the designers wanted its visual impression to say, "Hey! Look at me! I'm a dirty book!"

By Justin Juul

Dr. Rix, preaching the word

In every great film about post-college urbanites in America, there is a scene in which the hip gay character’s erratic behavior is explained through a montage that looks something like this:

The character -- we’ll call him Rickie -- is seen as a young child singing in a church choir with another boy. Fast forward two years and Rickie and the other boy – let’s call him Jordan -- have become very good friends. They are shown eating lunch together at school, playing football, watching “The Birdcage,” and eventually listening to rock-n-roll music on a record player. This is when “Walk on The Wild Side,” by Lou Reed starts to play. Soon we see Rickie and Jordan --older teenagers now-- running out of a school building as hundreds of other students are walking in. The camera follows the boys as they walk to Rickie’s house and then fades out when Rickie opens the door to his room and then slams it behind him. At this point, the POV suddenly switches to Rickie’s mother, a wholesome, but meddling schoolteacher who is inexplicably not at work. She responds to the noise by picking up the phone to call her husband who works at the local church. This is when the song gains momentum and when the images in the montage grow more rapid.

First we see the boys sitting side by side on the bed. Then we see the father grabbing his keys and rushing out the door. Back in Rickie’s room, a cigarette is lit. Mischievous glances are exchanged as the smoke billows and then, just as Lou Reed’s colored girls start to go “do duh do duh do duh do,” we see Rickie’s father kicking down the bedroom door. By the time the next verse of the song starts, it’s two months later and we see Rickie sitting in a classroom. He’s holding a picture of Jordan, and as he twirls it around, we see the words “Jordan RIP” scrawled on the back. Jordan has committed suicide and Rickie has been sentenced to two years at gay camp where he learns to hate himself. The final scene of the montage shows Rickie purchasing a greyhound ticket. He’s finished hiding from himself and from others. He is leaving his family, his church, and his town behind. Cut to Rickie as a young adult. He has just told this story to his best friend, Angela, and they are both crying silently and smoking their fifteenth cigarette of the day.

Very sad stuff, and a little on the dramatic side, but there’s a reason this type of scene occurs so frequently in movies and that’s because it really does happen. Gay kids from small-town religious families really do get sent to ex-gay camps or assigned to ex-gay ministries. And then afterward, when they realize the whole deal is complete bullshit, they really do move to big cities to avoid getting beat up every time they leave the house. The problem with the portrayal of the ex-gay experience in movies is that it’s always either given a comic slant (dorm rooms full of young gays who not-so-secretly enjoy each other’s company immensely) or heavily dramatized (see above). But haven’t you always wondered what it’s really like? Well, we have too.

By Andrea Nemerson. View more alt.sex columns here. Email your questions to Andrea: andrea@altsexcolumn.com

Dear Readers:

"Oprah begs for mercy" sounds so much like the title of one of the S/M fantasy stories you can read online that I just couldn't resist it, but honestly, read this:

Dr. Berman: ... and this is a little holster that the guy can wear so this goes around his penis.

Oprah: Oh, please.

Dr. Berman: Yeah. Around his penis for hands-free clitoral stimulation during intercourse.

Oprah: OK. You have just crossed the line with me.

Dr. Berman: OK. Are you ready?

Oprah: No, you have crossed the line with me. I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

Dr. Berman: All right, look. Here is the penis. (Makes shadow-puppet gesture.)

Oprah: I swear. I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready. I'm not ready for it. No. I am not ready for it. Let's move on.

The doctor is Laura Berman of the Berman Institute in Los Angeles, where, between Laura's therapy and her urologist sister Jennifer's research, anyone female with enough money and not enough orgasms can get her bits seen to. They do excellent work. I'd be tempted to go myself out of curiosity if I lived more southerly and had more money and less doctor-phobia. Doesn't Laura, usually so nice, seem to be getting something of a kick out of playing "torture the media mogul" there, though?

Funny, actually, since these appearances on The Oprah Winfrey Show have sold gazillions of her vibrators and carried Berman's name, credentials, and well-tended features with them into bed with viewers nationwide and further.

These are mostly not the penis-mounted marital aides the doctor is describing above, but the Berman Center brand's workhorse, the Aphrodite. It's a Magic Wand-type rechargeable nicknamed "the sure thing." How sure a thing is it, and is there anything about it that should automatically win the trust of an audience presumably tuning in more for makeovers, lifestyle tips, and celebrity gossip than for "Look, Oprah, here's the penis ... ?"

Compiled by Molly Freedenberg

Let Mistress Tatiana teach you the ropes at her "Spanking and Paddling" class.

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>> RADAR reading series featuring Lorelei Lee
Michelle Tea's reading series featuring emerging, underground writers and artists gets even hotter this week when Renee Hahn, Patrick O'Neil, and Bucky Sinister are joined by porn performer Lorelei Lee.

Wed/8, 6pm
Free
San Francisco Public Library
100 Larkin, SF
www.myspace.com/radarreading

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>> Taoist Energetic Healing & BDSM
Expand your knowledge and expertise in sensation, energy, and Eros with information, education, dialogue, and demonstration by Tahil Gesyuk.

Fri/10, 7pm
$20 sliding scale
Center for Sex and Culture
1519 Mission, SF.
sexandculture.org

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>> Spanking and Paddling
Learn one of the most basic and versatile skills in the S&M repertoire with Mistress Tatiana Belodyne (of Fantasy Makers Academy), including different positions, pacing, safety tips, and demonstrations with models.

Mon/13, 8-10pm
$25
Good Vibrations Berkeley
2504 San Pablo, Berk.
(510) 841-8987
www.goodvibes.com

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>> Ink & Metal
Hot men with tattoos and piercings get special discounts at this weekly bar night.

Tue/14, open-close
Powerhouse
1347 Folsom, SF
(415) 552-8689
www.powerhouse-sf.com

Each week Justin Juul highlights a rad upcoming local sexy event

Who: Hardcore Christians and other ridiculous assholes probably won’t agree with me here, but the truth about human desire is that it knows no bounds and is utterly insatiable. What this means is that you can be totally happy and living a life of ease with your soul mate, but that you’re never going to stop wondering what it’d be like to jump in a closet with that hot guy/girl who makes your stupid latte every morning. And then there’s all those chicks and dudes at the park and in the check-out line at Safeway, just standing around in cutoff shorts daring you to risk your life for a one night stand. Torture! In a perfect world, you could fall in love and go on romantic vacations with every doable person you see. But it’s not a perfect world (no cake if you plan on eating, remember?) and so if you want to keep things cool with your long-term lover, those evil sirens just have to be ignored. Or do they? If you live in San Francisco and happen to have a computer, you’ve probably heard of the missed connections section on Craigslist. It’s basically a message board for people who locked eyes with someone recently, decided to stay away for whatever reason, and then thought better of that decision afterward. Now they want to either see that person again or publicly-yet-anonymously fantasize about reconnecting. Girls getting off busses, dudes with perfect hair on connecter flights, baristas, waiters, and rugged gas-station attendants are what the missed connections section is all about. You can pine for them on Craigslist all you want, but if you’re feeling really adventurous, you’ll show up at this art show for another small nibble of forbidden fruit.

By Molly Freedenberg

During a recent beer-fueled gab session with my girlfriends, I made a startling discovery: All of us have particular ways our sexual encounters - whether with strangers or long-term lovers - tend to go. They are different for each of us. And most interestingly, they are unspoken.

For example. When Friend A brings a boy back to her bed, more likely than not they'll simply cuddle - or make out without having intercourse. This never happens with Friend B or Friend C. However, almost every man Friend B brings home tries (and usually succeeds) for anal sex - a reality almost completely foreign to A and C. And Friend C almost always has unprotected sex, with her partner pulling out before he comes. (Yeah, yeah, we know. We'll get to the modern-adults-having-unprotected-sex post later. That's not the point here...)

What's amazing is not that the three friends have different preferences. It's that these are patterns for each girl, and they happen without being discussed first (or, in some cases, ever).

Each week, Justin Juul combs the SF Craigslist Personals and Missed Connections for true gems that prove there's enough love for everyone. View his last installment here

"Fancy a threesome?"

It’s weird when you have one of those crazy jobs that lets you work from your laptop because, after a while, you really do begin to lose touch with whatever lies beyond the cafes, bars, and dining patios in your comfy little art hood. And I’m not talking about that weird alien feeling you get when you go back to Iowa or Michigan for the holidays. No. All it really takes to get a sense for how uh, queer, you’ve become is to take a little trip to Union Square. I mean, the ads for soda pop and fast food are enough to make you puke right off the bat. But dude, what’s up with the luxury industry? Fancy-pants Romanian guys with five-o-clock shadows hawking Rolexes, scrawny chicks with waxy skin pumping hair-care products and denim, David Beckham, Jessica Simpson?! Are these people really supposed to represent the pinnacle of beauty and success? Are they supposed embody what we want to fuck and/or be? Seriously…can you imagine how bad it would suck to hang out with one of these idiots or --even worse-- one of their painfully normal admirers?

Obviously, you can. That’s why you holed up in the Mission (or the Lower Haight, or Oakland, or wherever) and that’s why you never go downtown until you have to get your MacBook serviced or buy some crack. It’s also why The Bay Area stands out –parts of it at least—as a hothouse for new beauty ideals. There’s the whips-n-chains bondage set in SoMa, the hula-hooping fire-eaters in The Haight, the buff dudes with Canadian tuxedos in The Castro, and of course, the coveted “super sexy artist type” you find in galleries, museums, and dive bars throughout the city. We all want one of those, right? The problem is that there simply aren’t enough of them to go around. And then of course there’s the flipside: artsy types actually have a hard time finding love themselves because everyone’s too intimidated to ask for a date. No worries. That’s what Craigslist is for.

Bhutan Exhibit - Asian Art Museum (from Tuesday) - w4m (downtown / civic / van ness)
Reply to: [Redacted]
Date: 2009-04-01, 8:41PM PDT
Hello. This is a total shot in the dark, but it's worth a try. We were both looking through the Bhutan exhibit by ourselves, but we kept crossing paths. I said something when we were looking at the Phurbas like "these are really amazing!" We kept looking at each other but didn't talk besides that. You have long, dark beautiful hair, and quiet, soft brown eyes. I had my hair pulled back and was wearing a brown top and jeans. I didn't see you again after I sat down for a few. I'm curious about you.

Hot girl with long brown hair and a great ass - m4w - 23 (New Montgomery)
Reply to: [Redacted]
Date: 2009-04-07, 1:16AM PDT You came out of Academy of Art and used someone’s lighter and walked off. I had the pleasure of walking behind you for the rest of the block. Then I turned. [I just want you to know] this handsome black guy thinks you're hot!

You were wearing a blue top and blue jeans. I think you might’ve had sunglasses too.

Help a bored artist - m4w - 24 (anywhere)
Reply to: [Redacted]
Date: 2009-03-25, 10:34PM PDT
I am a design student that loves to draw. I'm looking to draw something a little more interesting than landscapes, buildings, or the occasional live model we get in studio that is never that pleasing to the eye. So here's what I'm asking. I'm looking for some lovely ladies to send me some more, lets say, erotic pictures I could sketch from; nude, partial nude, costume, whatever, make it interesting. I'd be happy to send you my drawings when I'm done. Help a bored artist.

The second part of a conversation with Justin Juul about Dr. Rix's work with the Ex Ex Gay movement -- and the answer to that eternal question, "What, exactly, is a sexologist?" Read part 1 here.

Dr. Rix, left, with partner

SFBG: So, after all of this, do your parents still believe you can just switch it up and find yourself a wife?
Rix: Yeah, I think they do. They blur behavior and attraction, you know? Like, they would never say this, but they seem to think that if I could just keep my dick in my pants, I could learn to be normal again. They’re just old, man...and from a totally different time and place.

SFBG: How do they feel about your sexology work?
Rix: You know, they made a point to give me a pat on the back when I graduated with my degree, which is really all I can ask. The thing about my parents is that I know they love me the best they know how. And that has to be good enough because I realize that I’ve been the theological dilemma of their lives. Here’s an example: my sister died of a really rare heart disease when I was sixteen and my mom later told me that her death was easier to handle than my coming out. She apologized later, but still, it’s just obvious that life choices are never going to be easy for them. As far as my sexology stuff goes, they manage to be nice about it, but I don’t think they’re thrilled.

SFBG: So what is a sexologist, exactly?
Rix: Well, if you look around at all the problems in society these days, it seems like the majority of them have to do with pleasure-phobia, sexophobia…just a general fear of following our desires. As a sexologist, I do what I can to help people accept themselves. To answer your question, sexology is the study of what people do sexually and how they feel about it. There are only a handful of schools that award degrees in sexology. You’d be amazed at how little sexual research is done these days. I mean, scientists don’t even know what comes out of females when they ejaculate.

In which super sexy porn people answer questions -- each week -- from Bay Area locals
By Justin Juul

Wendy Williams is an award-winning movie star with nearly a half-a-million films under her belt. But that doesn’t mean this month’s featured celebrity is some shallow Hollywood glamour snob… quite the opposite, actually. In fact, it only takes a second of conversation with Williams to realize that she’s really just a down-home southern girl who enjoys the simple things in life.

Williams likes traveling, shopping, advanced social networking and, um…interracial gangbangs. Okay okay okay! So maybe Williams isn’t exactly what you’d call normal, but that’s why she’s so much more intriguing than other media starlets known for dropping their vowels and dipping their thongs. While traditional southern belles like Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, and Brooke Hogan waste their/our time making crappy music, popping pills, and collecting the worst sunglasses you’ve ever seen in your life, Williams keeps it real and focuses her energy on something we can all relate to: steamin’ hot tranny sex. What I’m saying here is that trans porn is better than reality TV and that mainstream pop icons have less talent than the people you see on Fleshbot everyday. I’m also saying that Williams is much cooler than all the girls I mentioned above because she’s an interesting individual with a mind of her own and those other girls are pretty much the opposite of that (although Britney got pretty cool there for a second).

Anyway! Enough with the half-assed shot at social commentary, right? Here’s the Wendy Williams story in a nutshell:

By Andrea Nemerson. View more alt.sex columns here. Email your questions to Andrea: andrea@altsexcolumn.com.

Dear Readers:

These are perennial body parts questions, and I feel I would be somewhat remiss if I didn't re-answer them every few years. Here are some that have been hanging around waiting for me.

Love,

Andrea

Dear Andrea:

I once tried for half an hour putting my index finger about two inches inside my girlfriend's vagina, pressing with a "come hither motion" and simultaneously pressing the mound from outside. Unfortunately my partner did not experience any extra pleasure. Maybe I have to try again and again?
Love,

Willing

Dear Will:

Yes, yes, very funny. I'm not entirely sure what she was experiencing, but from your phrasing, which could have been cut and pasted from any one of a thousand how-to Web sites, I think you may have been proceeding a bit by rote there. Rather than printing out some stranger's directions, how about following hers?

There are plenty of women who don't have much of the spongy erectile tissue surrounding the urethra and the front of the vagina that we've come, for convenience's sake, to call the G-spot. These women can lie there all day receiving simultaneous come-hither motions and external pressure and only manage to get kind of annoyed with you. If your girlfriend is one of them, I would not suggest "trying again and again" unless you want her to lean forward and swat the top of your head with the TV remote.

You can probably determine whether she is G-spot enabled by letting her guide you. Since the G-spot is, inconveniently, not actually a "hot button," but a collection of tissues sensitive to the touch under certain but not all circumstances, I cannot tell you exactly how to operate it. I'd start once she's already well turned-on, though, and without impatience or, indeed, goal-orientation. Just kind of slip in there when things are already going well and keep your eyes on her face while you try a little deeper or a little closer in, a little harder and a little softer, a little ... oh, you get the picture.

Love,

Andrea

Dear Andrea:

My penis is curved a little. Is that normal, and if not what can I do to straighten it?

Love,

Upwards

By Juliette "TMI?" Tang

Cranberry prevention?

I am a chronic sufferer of urinary tract infections. Luckily I have a great doctor who has my local Walgreens on speed dial for the days when I call her crying into the phone for Cipro, otherwise I'd still be wailing on the floor at the moment, rather than spreading the good word on how you can avoid my predicament.

It helps knowing, in a sick way, that no matter how much pain I'm in, I'm not alone. For women, there's no way around it: more than 50% of us will suffer the agony of a urinary tract infection at some point. And most of the time, this loathsome incursion burrows its way up our urethrae and into our lives, without warning, when we are sexually active. Urinary tract infections are the bane of an active sex life. They are the second most common type of infection in the body, and account for 10 million hospital visits each year (plus 1.5 hospitalizations, and $1 billion in health care costs). Along with unplanned pregnancy, STDs, and shameful flashbacks to what happened last Saturday at the Knock Out, UTIs are another way the universe has of zapping some of the fun out of sex. Luckily, unlike children or other STDs (and it is questionable whether a UTI even counts as an STD), a UTI doesn't last forever -- though when confronted with what feels like someone taking broken glass to the inside of your hoo-ha, forever will feel like a relative term.

By Molly Freedenberg

Fling, a G-spotter made from sustainable harvested exotic wood by Nob Essence.

Think environmentalism is sexy? Does Earth Day rev your biodiesel-fueled engine? Well, both just got a whole lot steamier, thanks to Good Vibrations.

Everyone’s favorite sex resource and retailer has just launched a new Ecorotic collection, featuring toys made for more sustainable sex. (Wonder how, exactly, sex could not be sustainable? Check out our Green City column and this blog post on the topic.) The legendary company’s new line offers all-natural and organic products (sans phthalates), durable toys that will stay out of the landfill longer, and recharcheable vibrators. And even better? For some of you, they'll all be free.

Compiled by Molly Freedenberg

Charles Gatewood has been documenting the underground sex and fetish scene for decades. Check out his retrospective slideshow at The Citadel on Thursday.

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>> "Give Her a Hand" Sexual Massage Course
Get all the skills you need to turn your hands into amazing sex toys, including advanced fingering, labia play, combining vaginal, clitoral, and anal stimulation, adding toys, and more.

Wed/22, 8pm, $25-30
Good Vibrations
603 Valencia, SF
www.goodvibes.com

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>> Charles Gatewood: A retrospective slideshow
In his slide lecture, Gatewood - known for documenting America's sexual underground in the mid-60s, will show photos from every phase of his career, including work from Sidetripping, Forbidden Photographs, Primitives, True Blood, and Photography for Perverts.

Thu/23, 7-9:30, $30
SF Citadel
1277 Mission, SF
(415) 626-1746
www.sfcitadel.org

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>> Hypnosex Workshop
Learn to eliminate sexual inhibitions and shame, enhance your pleasure, and go beyond full-body orgasms at this two-day play-and-personal-transformation workshop. Bring a friend or lover and you'll each get $100 off.

Sat/25, 9am-Sun/26, 6pm, $397-497
Secret, intimate location in the Bay Area
www.hypnosex.eventbrite.com

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>> Diamond Daggers Femme Follies
Burlesque! Brains! Brawn! It's the official Bay Area book release party for Femmes of Power: Exploding Queer Femininities, and it's sure to be a blast, thanks to performances by Simone de la Getto, Vixen Noir, Twilight Vixen Revue, and more..

Sat//25, 9pm, $12-20
Fat City
314 11th St., SF
www.diamonddaggers.com

Each week Justin Juul highlights a rad upcoming local sexy event

Who: Last year, a Japanese man named Mr. Masanobu Sato came to San Francisco and masturbated in public for nearly ten hours straight. Had he done this in any other city, he might have been thrown in jail or at least laughed at relentlessly. But this is the sexiest place on earth so Mr. Sato got a gold medal instead. He also got a lot of media attention for the toy company he works for, Tenga, Japan’s premier manufacturer of disposable and reusable wank cups. Obviously, becoming a world champion has done wonders for Sato’s career (sales are up, employee-of-the-month certificates are hanging, etc) and so he has no choice but to defend his record. That’s why he’ll *probably be coming back to our city again this year for The Center for Sex and Culture’s annual Masturbate-a-thon. Join Mr. Masanobu Sato, Sister Roma, Fellatio Brown, Dr. Carol Queen, and other famous wankers as they play with their junk in the name sex positivism. Exhibitionists, porn-addicts, and totally normal people like you and me are encouraged to ogle, vote, and even participate in this year’s exhibition/contest.

By Tim Redmond

The New York Post -- whoops, it was actually the SF Weekly -- was shocked and horrified by the concept that a state-funded training program might help video tech folks who work at kink.com. Here's the lead:

California taxpayers have paid $46,791 so that employees of the San Francisco pornographer Kink.com might produce more perfect web-based depictions of motorized dildo impalements ...

I don't need to go on.

The thing here is, so what? Kink.com is a legitimate, legal San Francisco business that employs 100 people, treats them and pays them well, has transformed a wasteland of an empty building into a going concern ... and I think it's great that the people who work there (who also happen to be part of the film and media industry in San Francisco) got to use a state job-training program.

This is good for the local economy. "We are training San Francisco's workforce for the film and televison industry," said Kink's Ilana Rothman. "People who have worked for us are winning awards at film festivals."

The story is remarkable in its prudishness, and it takes the insulting tack of implying that the models who work at Kink are somehow forced into their jobs. "We couldn't be more explicit about how safe and consensual our work is," Rothman told me. And every indication I've gotten from every Guardian staffer who's visited Kink and talked to the workers agrees.

The real scandal here is that Matt Smith personally busted Kink and cost a good employer its training money.

By Juliette Tang

Isabella Rossellini is a woman who wears many hats. Actress, model, writer, philanthropist. Now, Rossellini can add "filmmaker specializing in animal pornography" to that already impressive list. "When needed, I can have an erection six feet long and stick it inside a female," exclaims Isabella Rossellini, clothed not in her standard designer fare, but in a paper mache whale costume, of which the defining characteristic is an attachment of a giant pink penis in full erection.

Hallelujah, season two of Green Porno is underway!

Rossellini writes, directs, and lends her acting chops to the quirky Green Porno series, which features the actress, donned in hilarious animal costumes, describing the various mating habits of members of the animal kingdom. The series is winsome and fun, not just because of Rossellini's infectious charm, but also because of the wonderful craftsmanship of Andy Byers, a Brooklyn-based artist who created all the sets and costumes. His costumes are hand-made, crafts-influenced, and seeped in an adult's residual nostalgia for bad elementary school Halloween costumes meticulously made by well-intetioned mothers hungry for Kodak moments. There's also the fact of Rossellini's sexy, ambiguously European accent, with its traces of Italian and Swedish, which lends richness and whimsy to phrases like "Penises, different penises, all trying to get as close as possible to my eggs!" The series is peppered with Rossellini's cheeky and good-natured translations of beastial intercourse, and pronouncements like "we are sequential hermaphrodites" reminds me very much of a Polish biology teacher I once had, who always confused the term "organism" with "orgasm," to jocular result.

Each week, Justin Juul combs the SF Craigslist Personals and Missed Connections for true gems that prove there's enough love for everyone. View his last installment here

Sex is cool and all, but sometimes it’s just too much work. That’s why so many of us masturbate. It’s easier, safer, cleaner, and --if you can find someone who looks like Picard from Star Trek to watch you do it or lend a hand -- 10 times as fun as regular intercourse. You can even win national recognition for your talents! The only problem is, where are you gonna find someone like that? Hmmmm.

Jack-U? (downtown / civic / van ness)
Reply to: [redacted]
Date: 2009-04-15, 6:55PM PDT

Handsome older gentleman, Picard-like, seeks good-natured hwp ns/nd to jerk off. Zero receiving. No senior nudity. I'm compact at 5-3 126. This is jack-u-off only.

Help me understand something - w4m - 21 (Bradford)
Reply to: [redacted]
Date: 2009-03-17, 8:32PM PDT
Hello guys, I'm not looking for sex, so don't ask. I need help understanding something. My boyfriend says that all men masturbate all the time. I've been married and have had several other relationships and have never been with a man that said he has to jack off everyday. Even days when we've had sex, he still sometimes does it a couple of times. I don't mind putting on a show for him while he does it, and that's led to some great sex, but if I'm busy, he just looks at erotic porn and does it anyway and that kind of bothers me. I've never been into it, unless I've been without sex for a long time. In my whole life, I've probably masturbated to orgasm less than a dozen times. He says that the other men I've been with did it regularly too, but just did it in secret. Is this true? Do all of you still masturbate, even when you're getting regular sex? Do you ever outgrow it? If you do, can you explain why? Do you have to look at images of women too? I'm serious about this. Thanks for your honest input.

In which super sexy porn people answer questions -- each week -- from Bay Area locals. View the last installment here
By Justin Juul

Fielding your questions this month is AVN’s current “Transsexual Performer of The Year,” Wendy Williams. Check out some of her stuff and then send some questions here.

SFBG: You’re known for using blogs and video diaries to develop and maintain a really intimate relationship with your fans. Can you tell us a little about them? Are they mostly straight men?

Williams: Yeah, they are. You gotta understand that my fans are attracted to the feminine qualities they see in me and that many of them just consider the dick to be a fetish. Transsexual porn has a very divided fan base, actually. For example, there are people who want to see the transsexual as a bottom only. For them, the fact that she has a dick is just kind of a best-of-both-worlds thing. They would never do it in real life, but they like to see it. I don’t know what that means as far as sexual orientation goes, but I do know that most of my fans identify as straight men. They’re never gonna go to a gay bar and try to pick up guys because they’re not attracted to masculine qualities. They like long hair, breasts, and asses. Obviously, since I have a cock, there’s some question about their actual straightness, but that really doesn’t matter. I’m sure I have bi-sexual fans and I’m sure there are people out there who just want to fuck anything with legs. Whatever. I don’t believe in rigid labels.

SFBG: Yeah, the lines always get blurry when you really start to look at this stuff. I think smart people view sexuality as a continuum that shifts around throughout life. The labels don’t really fit anyone perfectly.

Williams: Yeah, it’s hard not to use the labels sometimes though. I mean, it’s pretty obvious that transsexual porn is marketed to and made for a straight male audience. Ask any gay guy if he’s attracted to transsexuals and you’ll get the same sort of answer: “God, no! I don’t want titties on my back. That’s disgusting!” Transsexuals and drag queens have a place in the gay community, but we’re not sex objects. We are a form of entertainment.

By Molly Freedenberg

The G Twist in unintimidating Target/K-Mart blue...

I am a lazy masturbator. I blame it on the fact that I started so young (and so long before I connected masturbation to sexuality) that I've gotten too attached to, and too good at, my dependable 25-year-old method (indirect clitoral stimulation with my hand, on my stomach, legs crossed). If I can bring myself to four or five orgasms in less than 10 minutes this way, why bother with toys, lingerie, and setting the mood -- in short, why make it more work?

The answer is, of course, that there is more to sex -- both alone and with a partner (or several) -- than simple orgasm. And there's more than one kind of orgasm. As soon as I became sexually active with other people, I seemed to understand this intuitively. (It helped that many of my high school-era partners didn't, and though I wasn't quite sure what was missing, I knew it was a lot). But when I'm feeling solo and sexy, I tend towards efficient familiarity.

Which is why it took me nearly two weeks to test out my new G Twist from Good Vibrations, the highly regarded silicon vibrator with a ridged shaft, curved head, and base made to stimulate the clitoris. Or it could've been that the giant, matte black model with the realistic-looking head and spiraling shaft (sort of like a severed alien dick) was a bit intimidating, especially compared to its slim, pink, shiny plastic predecessor.

By Andrea Nemerson. View more alt.sex columns here. Email your questions to Andrea: andrea@altsexcolumn.com

Dear Andrea:
Have you heard of a study that analyzed biometric feedback from self-identified male bisexuals, and the notable finding was that the overwhelming majority of these men were in fact homosexual, not bisexual? The conclusion of the study was that "true" male bisexuality is extremely rare. (For what it's worth, I consider myself a "true" male bisexual, but what do I know?)

I also heard about another study from at least 10 years ago that tracked the sexual fantasies of self-identified lesbians, and the surprising result was that some 50 percent of these women actually fantasized about men while doing it with their female partners.

Have you heard of these, and would you care to comment?
Love,

Actually Here!

Dear Here:

I have, of course, and they're all fascinating, partly for the science (which is generally super-simple and not easily misinterpreted) and partly for the reactions in the various communities whenever one of these studies is reported, which are frankly pretty funny.

The "there's no such thing as male bisexuality" studies have received the most press, and the biggest, most offended reactions, but it's not like the researchers at Northwestern University and the Center for Addiction and Mental Health in Toronto set out to disprove the existence of an entire sexual orientation! All they did was hook up some volunteers to a plethysmograph and show them porn. I think the first researchers were probably as surprised as anyone when the self-identified bi men failed to respond in a recognizably "bi" manner. About three-quarters of the bi men read as completely gay according to their penises (do penises lie?), while the rest were indistinguishable from the self-identified straight guys. There was no recognizable "bi" pattern of arousal, and the subjects seemed overwhelmingly to fall on one or the other end of the Kinsey scale:

Compiled by Molly Freedenberg

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>> Latex Fashion School
Polly Pandemonium of the Moral Minority hosts this class in Latex clothing construction, which includes not only learning to sew with the fabulous fabric but how to spot a well-made garment. The course might seem pricey, but you'll leave with materials and instructions to make your wardrobe even steamier.

Thurs/30, 7-10pm. $200.
Mission Control
2519 Mission, SF
kinkysalon.com

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>> A Touch of Pleasure
Sex educator and porn star Madison Young hosts this event featuring art and installations like steam-punk vibrators, Kink.com fucking machines, and a display of antique sex toys, all in honor of National Masturbation Month.

Sat/2, 7-10pm. Free.
(Show runs Thurs-Sun, 12-6pm, through May 31)
Femina Potens Art Gallery
2199 Market, SF
www.feminapotens.org

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>> IXFF: The Second Coming Tour at the Masturbate-a-thon
Oh lordy, it's voyeur heaven. The Indie Erotic Film Festival kicks off its national tour of last year's best shorts with a stop at the Center for Sex and Culture Masturbate-a-thon: as though watching featured masturbators compete to get themselves off wasn't titillating enough. All proceeds benefit the Center. (If you want to compete in this year's film festival, visit www.gv-ixff.org.

Sat/2, 11am-close. $15-25.
Center for Sex and Culture
1519 Mission, SF
www.maturbate-a-thon.com

By Paula Connelly

I regularly cruise the Craigslist "free stuff" section. In fact, more than half of my apartment has been furnished with other people's recycled property. Picking out furniture from Craigslist is no small test of bravery (especially for someone who has had to abandon all her possessions because of a serious bedbug infestation) because you never know what, or whom, you're going to encounter. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and today I forwarded three links from Craigslist to my roommate (view them here, here, and here) that are all from the same closing nightclub, giving away some cool looking 60's Mod style furniture - for free! To boot, the address listed is only a few blocks from my urban palace. Which got me thinking... what nightclub, that I don't go to, is right around the corner?

Power Exchange! Nothing personal against the swinging, exhibitionist haven. Actually, I'm sad to see such a unique sex club close and I hope that they find a way to reopen. But that doesn't mean I'm down with other people's fluids, free or not.

By Molly Freedenberg

Is it just me, or does the dude screwing a mattress in this photo from Vice look like the lead singer of Gogol Bordello? (Gypsy punk = hot. Defiled dorm beds? Not so much.)

Speaking of sex toys (and just in time for National Masturbation Month), I recently came across this entertaining feature on Viceland.com about favorite teenage sex toy substitutes.

The choices for women weren't particularly surprising, though I can honestly say I've never heard of anyone using a BB gun or of anyone admitting to sexually abusing their cat. But reading about what teenage boys do blew me away. A hole in the mattress? Bologna between the couch cushions? Really? Does anyone really do this? Or is Vice just fucking with me?

Either way, the article got me thinking about my own teenage dalliances into household-objects-as-sex-toy territory. Though I rarely deviated from the tried-and-true method I mentioned earlier this week, I did have a few late-night sessions with long tapered candles (which, I promise, I never returned to the kitchen drawer where I found them) and my thick, mint-green 10-color pen from elementary school (I think I did actually write with it after that -- surely notes to friends that I folded into little triangles and passed in class).

By Tim Redmond

And the poor boring people there don't even enjoy it.

Violet Blue weighs in today with some harsh commentary:

It's just sad when "alternative" papers can't be more trustworthy or accurate as the New York Times when it comes to the one thing they're supposed to excel at: accurately representing local culture. And having a clue about San Francisco values.

And now local artist Matthew Williams has come up with an anti-SF Weekly shirt (unfortunately, some people might think NSFW is cool).

It's been hard to find any substantive response from Matt Smith to all of this; he just complains about "anti-free-speech pornographers (as if protesting a news media column is an attack on free speech).

But in some ways, the thing I find most offensive is his suggestion that it's appropriate for a newspaper reporter and columnist, who takes shots every week at other people, to duck calls from the press. I make it a policy to call people before I write anything critical about them (Smith apparently didn't talk to any Kink.com models before saying that they were, in effect, degrading themselves for money out of economic desperation.) Smith says he deleted my phone message without even listening to it.

That's just really, really lame. You work for anewspaper and you talk shit about other people, you should be willing to defend yourself, in public. When the Weekly calls me -- even if I know it's a hit piece -- I always, always talk to them. That's what you do in this business.

Unless, like Matt Smith, you just want to hit and run and hide.

By Marke B.

Hurray, we're back in the 50s again! Hot on the heels of the SF Weekly's "alternative" take on the BDSM community comes this report from the Bay Area Reporter that the SFPD plans to get hard and tough on public nudity and consensual sex acts at that hallowed gay Bay tradition, July's Up Your Alley Fair on Dore Alley, operated by the Folsom Street Fair folks.

Due to the complaints, the police are requiring the fair organizers to develop a more stringent security plan to deal with people who break the law at the event. [SFPD Lieutenant Nicole M.] Greely said simply because someone is attending an enclosed street fair does not mean that laws regarding public nudity and lewd behavior do not apply.

"There is no public sex allowed, that is illegal. Nudity laws still apply and laws against urinating in public still apply," said Greely. "Sometimes things gradually get out of hand and that is what happened here. Last year it got out of control."

....

It is the first time that the police have demanded the Up Your Alley Fair organizers to address public sex acts and lewd behavior in their security plan for the event, said Greely.

Ho hum, doesn't this happen every year around the time the police want to ask for more fair fees? But here's the kicker:

Police also point to the Web site http://www.zombietime.com that documented numerous photos of men performing oral sex, urinating in public, and masturbating from second floor windows overlooking the fair as another reason for their increased vigilance. The site, created by an anonymous local photographer, also questions why the police took no action against the public nudity and sexual behavior at the fair.

Those frankly beautiful pics caused a shit-storm a couple years ago after the Berkeley-based zombietime published the pics and ones of Folsom. They were used to fan anti-gay flames by such organizations as "Americans for Truth About Homosexuality." (Yeah, here's a truth -- YOU'RE GAY) .