SFBG's Justin Juul asks zookeeper Jane Tollini -- former penguin keeper at the San Francisco Zoo, and originator of the annual "Woo at the Zoo" tour -- about life, love, and sex in the animal kingdom. Read the previous installment here.

SFBG: Do monkeys get off on human porn?
Tollini: Apes do, yeah. You can teach an ape anything. If you bring in a human woman and have her demonstrate nursing to a gorilla that grew up in captivity, that gorilla will learn how to nurse a baby. But apes have pretty low sex drives so they probably wouldn’t be as in to porn as we are. The truth about animals is that very few of them actually have sex for pleasure. So there’s not much masturbating going on in the animal kingdom. It’s a little different at the zoo because our animals have more spare time, but masturbating and porn are pretty much human-specific. There are a few exceptions, I guess. I mean I’ve heard that alligators, elephants, and some primates have g-spots. But who the hell knows? I mean, how did they figure that out? You don’t just stick your finger inside and alligator and go “Does this feel good?” I mean, what…do they do give them a cigarette afterwards? Come on!

SFBG: You mentioned gay penguins a minute ago, and that’s something everybody knows about, but I was wondering, are there any other animals out there that practice homosexuality? And if so, what do you think that means for humans? I mean, if it’s not an issue for animals, why is it always such an issue for us?
Tollini: Oh my god! There are so many animals out there who just love the one they’re with. Really, you’d be surprised. I’ve seen gay chimps, gay birds, gay everything! Manatees --who are on the endangered species list, by the way, so they have an extra incentive to reproduce-- form lifelong homosexual bonds in both sexes. And so do other animals, which to me is proof that being gay is totally natural.

SFBG: Is there any sort of ostracizing that goes down, like how humans gay bash each other?

By Juliette Tang

Local author Stephen Elliott modeling purple fishnet stockings, from Alison Tyler's blog

Stephen Elliott is not one to hide his overtly sexual side. Nor, for that matter, are any of the writers and performers lined up at the “Sex, Music, Comedy Night with Jill Sobule” to be held next Tuesday, July 7, at the Make-Out Room (3225 22nd St). The event is co-sponsored by Kink.com and The Center for Sex and Culture, and proceeds will support The Rumpus, an online magazine about culture – predominantly indie and alternative in nature – spearheaded by Elliott himself.

The event is solidly sex-themed and will feature readings by former sex workers turned authors Zak Smith, Michelle Tea, Kirk Read, and Madison Young, who will be reading selections from her upcoming bondage memoir. A comedy performance by Kyle Kinane, a film from Wholphin, burlesque by Mariel a la Mode, music by Sig Hafstrom, and special guest musician Jill Sobule round out the night.

Stephen Elliott, the night’s host, promises lots of sexiness for your money’s worth. “Jill Sobule is sexy. Everyone participating in the event is sexy. Doing an event with Kink.com is sexy, and introducing people to Zak Smith is really, really sexy, because he's an incredible artist who chose to make porn. This is the first time we are having an event with a real sex theme so all the authors are or were sex workers. And I was a sex worker as well, so you even get a sex worker host.”

By Juliette Tang

An entire classroom of 5th graders from the Elk Grove region, near Sacramento, will find themselves inexplicably having hot-for-teacher fantasies or, what is more likely more likely, nightmares, within the next few years. As reported by CBS yesterday, Crystal Defanti, a 5th grade teacher at the Isabelle Jackson Elementary, accidentally gifted her students with her own homemade pornography in a DVD that was supposed to be an end-of-year 'memories' compilation. She definitely gave her students something to remember. The DVD started with a menu screen featuring several different videos taken during the school year. The menu items ranged from classroom footage to um, footage of Ms. Defanti completely naked on a couch, crotch-to-the-camera, with her legs sprawled open. Defense experts say that because the whole thing was an embarrassing mistake, Ms. Defanti will likely keep her job and not face any legal consequences.

I think the question that weighs more heavily on our minds isn't whether Ms. Defanti should keep her job or not (I mean, the poor woman's embarrassment is punishment enough) but rather, "How the fuck does one edit a movie for fifth graders and accidentally put their own porn on it?" Because, seriously. Even the most computer illiterate among us know that autobiographical X-rated movies should exist on their own password-protected flash drive somewhere hidden far away from where it might accidentally be stumbled upon.

By Juliette Tang

Let's face it: Craigslist's new "Adult Services" listing is pretty much just like the old Erotic Services one, but with a new name, a higher price tag, more inconvenience, and no more nude photos. But there's a new Web site coming to town that might change the face of online soliciting for good: Stagslist.

Unlike Craigslist, Stagslist publicly accepts its role in facilitating online sex work. Stagslist exists solely as an online listing of erotic and adult services and gigs, with the difference being no monitoring, no charge, and no personal verification. For some sex workers, the lack of verification on Stagslist (Craigslist currently requires a phone number, a credit card charge of $10, plus a working Craigslist account) will be liberating. Stagslist offers greater privacy and a forum to post whatever you want, because they won't screen or modify your ads. And for other sex workers content with Craigslist's verification system, who feel that it offers a barrier of protection between them and the outside world, Craigslist's Adult Services listing will still be an option. The arrival of a new erotic listing in town with the openness and viability of Stagslist will level the playing field so that Craigslist hopefully won't be the main provider of an online adult services forum in San Francisco. And it gives sex workers the option of choosing which platform best suits their specific needs.

Stagslist goes live on July 9, 2009, at noon. While right now, there's nothing on the site, I'm interested to see what Thursday will bring.

Full press release after the jump.

By Andrea Nemerson. View more alt.sex columns here. Email your questions to Andrea: andrea@altsexcolumn.com.

Dear Readers:

I recently resurfaced on Facebook after lying low for a year or so. Participating in social media no longer really feels optional — if you want to see people, that's where they went. I've also been fascinated lately by the way the new media are changing our relationships with our own histories. Never before has it been so easy to reconnect with your past, or so hard to escape it. And friending acts as a great leveler: ex-boyfriend = current book-club pal = your best friend in grade school = your mom. You have no idea what kind of person that former girlfriend — the one who eviscerated you in public and left you for dead — really is now, but there she is, posting recipes and kindergarten graduation pix as if nothing ever happened. None of these quasi-connections need feel any realer or more important than the "Which kind of dryer lint are you?" quizzes and exchanges of virtual knickknacks. That moment when her name first pops up in your Facebook e-mail, though, that's as real as a sucker-punch to the solar plexus, and can feel quite similar. What happens after that is the story. If you've got a good Facebook reunion tale, please share it with the class. Here's the first one:

Dear Andrea:

I Facebooked my high school boyfriend. I received a warm response and an update. He has a wife and kids and a finance career that sounds kind of sleazy. Way back, he was rich and I was from the wrong side of the tracks.

He PM'd me his phone number. I really had no interest in calling him, but I gave him mine, thinking if he really wants to talk to me, he can call. I'm married and have two kids and really didn't care.

He called twice. I was surprised, but kind of enjoyed the conversations. I think my life now is a lot more interesting than his, and I'm doing just as well as he is. In high school it was always that he was going to go on to great things and I was just going to be a housewife (he told me this once). Now he sounds kind of out-of-control and I am quite satisfied with my life.

Also — he's cheating on his wife, pretending to be single on online dating sites. Oddly, it sounds like he's picking up working-class girls, like I was, which is weird for me. He says he doesn't want a divorce. I told him that sneaking behind his wife's back is wrong. I told him he should write to you although I doubt he will (and you'd hang him).

I definitely need to break the contact. But, you have no idea how empowering it is to find out I have, on my terms, a BETTER life than he has.

This is sleazy, isn't it?

Lady Schadenfreude

PS: OMG! When I turned down an invitation to come visit while his wife was out of town, he de-friended me!

Ethan Imboden, center. Photo from the blog of Rose Apodaca.

The vibrator, in its evolution, has come a long, long way. The first vibrators, which debuted in the late 19th century, look nothing like sex toys as we know them today and everything like like the kind of power tools you'd find in the basement lair of a serial killer. They also came with sexy names like the "Shelton Deluxe-Wayne Vibrator" and "Dr. Ocara's Pulsocon," though more appropriate names for these toys run along the lines of the "Pleasure of Pain" and "Use me if you don't want a clitoris by the time we're through". As the decades progressed, vibrator manufacturers continued to struggle with design. The design of 1950s-era vibrators were not a great improvement on the vibrators of the 1890s, as evidenced by this toaster on wheels-made-of-hot-rollers known as the Chic Glorifier.

Though utilitarian vibrators have existed for over a century, it hasn't been until recently that sex toy manufacturers have started realizing that while having an orgasm is sexy, having an orgasm with a something that looks like a power drill is not. Having sex with a person is generally more satisfying if you are attracted to the person in the first place, so why can't the same philosophy be applied to the act of having sex with a toy?

So along came Jimmyjane. Founded by Ethan Imboden in 2003, Jimmyjane is a local company headquartered in Potrero Hill that sells high design vibrators, with price points starting from around $100 to an almost inconceivable $2,750 for the Little Gold Eternity, a gold vibrator adorned in diamonds and etched with hearts that looks like something you'd find on rich cougar's bedside table (if you were lucky). An expensive vibrator isn't for everyone (I myself cannot fathom spending over $100 on anything that doesn't involve a week's worth of groceries or a plane ticket), but for those who want an aesthetically pleasing vibrator and have the money to spend, Jimmyjane is a nice little oasis in a world of scary vibrators. Even for this skinflint blogger, spending over a hundred dollars on Jimmyjane's beautifully designed Form 6 is not beyond the realm of possible futures.

Ethan sat down with the SFBG to talk about Jimmyjane and the changing future of vibrators.

SFBG: You went to Johns Hopkins and got your degree in electrical engineering, and then you went to Pratt for industrial design. So it actually really makes sense that you’re doing what you’re doing. But do you recall the first moments, in your history as a designer and engineer, when you realized you wanted to make vibrators?
EI: Yes absolutely. It’s etched indelibly in my memory. I was visiting a sex toy trade show with a potential client. That was really the first time I really entered into the world of sex toys and accessories. I was immediately struck by the fact that design had not touched the category and there was such an opportunity to take the same discipline in my background and apply them here. I had some experience with sex toys, but not a whole lot to be honest. And I had no idea how much experience my peers had with these types of products, but when I got back that’s all anyonen wanted to talk about.

SFBG: Looking at your vibes, there’s a perceptible aesthetic. It’s minimal, it’s modern, and definitely ‘less than more’ when it comes to ornament. But what, in your own words, is Jimmyjane's design philosophy?

By Marke B.

I'm gonna count this as a local story -- because, hey, Google's right down the peninsula. And I'm gonna count this as research -- because, hey, it's my job. While casually looking up photos, for work, associated with the new kinda boring HBO series "Hung" -- about a lengthy middle-aged hustler which takes place in my hometown Detroit, at least a suburb of it, and has served for critics who should know better as nothing but a big ol "shit on the Motor City" punching bag -- I was pleasantly surprised to find that this image came right up at the top of my safe-mode-off Google Image search this morning:

By Juliette Tang

Yesterday saw an interesting piece in the New York Times on the slow disappearance of plot-based porn flicks in favor of films comprised solely of sex scenes, without any narrative structure, that can easily be broken up and presented online. According to the Times, the DVD sales and rental industry was $3.62 billion in 2006 (a number estimated by Paul Fishbein, president of the AVN Media Network) but has fallen as much as 50% since then. Rather than solely filming feature length, plot-based movies, like Pirates XXX, which was released in 2005, studios are focusing more attention on filming vignettes instead -- series of sex scenes that occasionally share a theme, like "Girls 'n Glasses".

While some are alarmed at the changes afoot in the industry, it's a fact that studios are focusing less and less attention on making feature DVDs and that interest is only going to decrease from here. In this NYT video, Steven Hirsch, chief executive of Vivid Entertainment, states that while it wasn't that many years ago that all of Vivid's income was dependent on DVD sales, now, less than half of their income is generated from DVDs, largely due to the nature of the internet. Vivid now offers an online membership that users can subscribe to, that allows them to view video clips and photos simply by logging in.

Written on the body: Raging Stallion's Ink Storm offers a different definition of "porn script"

I sent an email to Ben Leon, a director at Raging Stallion Studios, a major gay porn studio located in San Francisco, and asked for his perspective on these changing trends. The NYT article doesn't discuss gay porn, which has historically been much less attached to the plot-paradigm than straight porn. [You couldn't fit much more on those old Super8 one-reelers! -Ed.]

He made an interesting point linking the new web model of porn with the uptick of interest in fetish material, which the NYT article didn't really touch on either. Said Leon, "I also think that porn is changing as the culture changes. A new trend in porn is a heavy swing toward fetish material. This trend is not that different than the wider trend toward making internet content. The new fetish stuff and the internet sites are marketed to a very specific audience. This specialization is both a widening of the market but also a contraction in certain ways. Like mass media-as it becomes more pervasive it also becomes much more targeted. People are now able to find the information (or porn) they want filtered through whatever bias or glass they choose."

Compiled by Molly Freedenberg

"i wanna give you my ass" and other works by Nicoz Balboa, as well as three more visual artists, are on display at Femina Potens through July.
--------------------------

>> Rubber
The Rubbermen of SF Bay present their monthly party at CHAPS, featuring $3 Trumer and Big Daddy drafts, $2.50 Prohibition bottles, $4 Skyy cocktails, and $5 for those made with Junipero Gin - plus go gos and the bootdog on duty.

Fri/10, 8pm. Free.
Chaps
1225 Folsom, SF
www.chapsbarsanfranciso.com

--------------------------

>> Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Orgasms
Take a tour among America's obsessions with spanking, erotic literature and fetishes! Discover why handcuffs have more than one meaning when we examine the American cultural landscape through the use of the media, current events and court cases. This interactive, fun and thought provoking workshop examines your sexual rights and erotic potential, before they are stripped away.

Opening Sat/11, 1-3:30pm. $25-$30.
Center for Sex and Culture
1519 Mission, SF
(415) 267-6999
www.sexandculture.org

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By Juliette Tang

A new study conducted by researchers at Oxford University and the University College of London argues that, should a woman want to get pregnant, her chances are better with man who's unattractive.

The logic goes as follows: attractive males have more sex. Because attractive guys have more partners, they have to allocate their sperm carefully from partner to partner, in order to maximize chances of knocking up more women. Whereas because unattractive guys don't have as many partners, they can afford to blow it all, if you will, on the few they have.

What exactly constitutes "attractive" versus "unattractive," the study does not say. However, the study does draw an entertaining comparison between human beings and "animals such as the domestic fowl, and fish such as the Arctic charr." It concludes by admitting, "The model should also be expanded to include the effects of short-term sperm depletion, which is known to affect ejaculate content" (i.e. the study needs to consider the case of frequent masturbators). Relevant? You decide.

Sex therapist Ian Kerner revisits the 1974 Shaky Bridge Study, which reveals that, when exposed to larger amounts of adrenaline and stress, people are more prone to sexual attraction and romantic attachment.

Psychologists Arthur Aron and Donald Dutton used two bridges, a solid one that rose 10 feet over sea level, and this one, the Capilano Canyon Suspension Bridge which is 5 feet wide, 450 feet long, and sways 250 feet above the river below, as the setting for their research. For the first part of the study, they had an attractive woman stand at the middle of the sturdy bridge, asking random passerbys to fill out a short psychology survey. She then gave the men her phone number, asking them to call if they were interested in finding results. The next day, she repeated the routine, on the more dangerous suspension bridge.

By Juliette Tang

It's an age old story. You meet someone intriguing. The two of you go out, sparks fly, chemistry is so hot and heavy that you end up at your date's place before the night ends, despite your better judgment. And, once you get there, you realize you were fooled all along. There is not a compact fluorescent light bulb to be seen in the whole apartment, the garbage bags are decidedly not biodegradable, and - horror upon horror - the dish detergent is from Safeway.

If images of landfills, melting ice caps, and being alone for the rest of your life keep you awake with nightmares, maybe it's time to try Green Speed Dating, a "carbon neutral love" event coming to Temple (540 Howard St) next Monday, July 20. According to the Web site:

Green Speed Dating (or "carbon neutral love") brings together single people, living in the same area, who care about the environment, believe in sustainability, and would like to meet others who feel the same way.

If you replace "Green Speed Dating" in the above sentence with "San Francisco," you get quite an accurate description of most people in our city.

For those currently on the hunt for gainful employment, 11 of San Francisco's gentlemens clubs -- including The Gold Club, Hustler Club, Broadway Showgirls and Centerfolds -- are having a job fair next Monday, July 20, at the Holiday Inn at Fisherman's Wharf (1300 Columbus Ave). The job fair goes from noon to 5PM. One could do worse than to earn between $100 and $400 a night in tips. Like, you could not have a job, or your passion could be blogging.

Pull press release after the jump.

By Andrea Nemerson. View more alt.sex columns here. Email your questions to Andrea: andrea@altsexcolumn.com.

andrea@mail.altsexcolumn.com

Dear Readers:

WebMD sent out this slightly goofy "10 Amazing Health Benefits of Sex.", an article virtually identical to dozens of others I've dutifully read, but you, perhaps, have been spared. Among the benefits of "healthy loving in a relationship," according to the article (summaries mine) are:

1. Less stress: Volunteers kept sex diaries and were then subjected to stressful situations. "Those who had intercourse had better responses to stress than those who engaged in other sexual behaviors or abstained."

Neat. I'm interested to note that it's intercourse, rather than other sex acts. Added to the older study that found that feel-good hormone levels spike after intercourse but not masturbation, it's starting to look like penis-vagina intercourse produces a unique hormonal response and possibly provides unique payoffs in the health-and-well-being department. It would be nice if someone thought to check whether intercourses available to the non-p/v-sex-having population produce similar effects, but I'm not holding my breath.

2. Immunity: "People who have sex once or twice a week produce more immunoglobulin A (IgA). Subjects who reported having less or a whole lot more sex have lower IgA."

Huh. Moderation in all things, right? I guess we shouldn't be surprised to find it applies to sex. But does it; or were there other factors here? Maybe the high-IgA moderates were in committed relationships, while the nevers were lonely and the horn-dogs were sleeping around? Who knows?

3. Calories: "Thirty minutes of sex burns 85 calories or more," claims WebMD. "It may not sound like much, but it adds up: 42 half-hour sessions will burn 3,570 calories, more than enough to lose a pound. Doubling up, you could drop that pound in 21 hour-long sessions."

I've seen umpteen versions of the ridiculous sex/calories breakdown and this might be the silliest yet. Forty-two half-hour sessions (of apparently extremely energetic pumping; if you want foreplay or a kissing break, you'll have to budget extra time) will take most couples months to achieve, and few people rack up anything like 21 hour-long sessions in a lifetime. You'd be better off on a treadmill. Or you could do try one of the following (supplied for your amusement by my exercise-geeking husband), all of which you're more likely to fit into your daily schedule than a solid half-hour of "vigorous thrusting," as they used to say:

2 minutes of wrestling
8.5 minutes of running
17 minutes of gardening
60 minutes of sitting and reading
135 minutes of sleeping

I'll take 60 minutes of sitting and reading, please.

4. Cardiovascular: Researchers found that neither having nor not-having sex was correlated with strokes. More impressive, they "also found that having sex twice or more a week reduced the risk of fatal heart attack by half for the men, compared with those who had sex less than once a month."

Again, there may be other factors here, since the heart-healthy guys presumably had partners, and both loneliness and the death of a spouse are highly correlated with dropping dead. Broken hearts cause broken hearts. Still, nice news for older men who do have partners. Have at it, dudes. As for the ladies?

5. Self-esteem: "Boosting self-esteem was one of 237 reasons people have sex."

Hahaha! 237 is a mighty big number. You could fit anything in there. Reason # 6: Getting partner to leave you alone so you can go to sleep. Reason # 33: bored. Reason #235: free rent.

6. Intimacy: "Sex and orgasms raise levels of oxytocin, the famous bonding, trust, and generosity hormone." The article goes on to cite a study showing that women's levels of oxytocin rise after "warm contact" and hugs with their husbands, but you don't need sex to get that.

7. Pain: "In a study published in the Bulletin of Experimental Biology and Medicine, 48 volunteers who inhaled oxytocin vapor and then had their fingers pricked lowered their pain threshold by more than half."

Coolness.

8. Prostate cancer: "Men who had five or more ejaculations weekly while in their 20s reduced their risk of getting prostate cancer later by a third."

There are a lot of similar studies supporting this. And finally, a clear benefit not dependent on male/female intercourse! Any old ejaculation will do it.

9. Sleep: Oxytocin and exercise promote sleep, and lack of same is correlated with every bad thing from divorce to weight gain.

That's ... nine. I lost one somewhere.

Of course, few of us need a specific reason to have sex, nor are we likely to be sufficiently motivated by any of the above to go get some, if not already inclined. As for the slightly worrisome implication that emerges from these articles that there is one true (straight, vanilla, monogamous) sex-style that is good for us, well. If we want research into the cardiovascular effects of polyamory or immune responses to S&M, we're just going to have to do it ourselves.

Love,

Andrea

By Molly Freedenberg

As we working stiffs watch more and more of our peers enjoying their government-funded, sun-filled "funemployment," (ugh) it's hard not to feel tied down by the weight of the work week. But remember: not all bondage is bad. Case in point: Mike West's Partial Suspension for Complete Sadists and the Marquis Fetish Ball, both happening this week to remind us that being told what to do can be a treat. On Thursday, the Japanese rope bondage expert will host a course featuring theories on challenging ties, installation of overhead points at home or on the go, testing a suspension ring, and the advantages of partial suspension. (Couples and singles welcome, but all must participate.) Two days later, sex educator, author, and bondage model Midori will make an appearance at MarquisAmerica.com's celebration of all things leather, latex, and laced-up. Still not convinced the leash that chains you to your job is sexy? Consider a career change and enter Marquis' live model casting.

PARTIAL SUSPENSION FOR COMPLETE SADISTS Thurs/16, 7:30pm. $25–$30. Stormy Leather, 1158 Howard, SF. (415) 626-1672, www.stormyleather.com

MARQUIS FETISH BALL Sat/18, 9pm. $35–$65. Supperclub, 657 Harrison, SF. www.marquisamerica.com

By Kevin Langson

The prurient pleasure film Graphic Sexual Horror cannot be accused of failing to live up to its title. In fact, it's safe to say that discussion or protestations (and anyone who's not catatonic is bound to have something to say) that follow this solid porn-ocumentary will be related to the rather contentious content. This fair-minded glimpse into the pain-glorious performances and behind-the-scenes procedures of the now defunct hardest of the hardcore bondage Web sites is simultaneously titillating and reflective, admiring and critical.

Insex.com founder Brent Scott, in explaining the academic ostracism at Carnegie Mellon that led to his new career as a high priest of porn, says this: "If they don't let me teach their kids, I'll corrupt them," which seems an apt encapsulation of his renegade artistic arrogance. This account is assuredly enriched by his candidness and self-criticism. He praises, sometimes adores, his female models and expresses sincere regret when his neglect leads to a malfunctioning water tank that could have inflicted injury. At the same time, however, he is chauvinistically demanding and insensitive to his model's vulnerabilities. Essentially, he represents the ambivalence of extreme bondage — the murky convergence of liberated consensual sex and exploitation.

Clips of artistically presented live feed performances featuring such intrigues as blue-purple strangulated breasts and hot pepper being applied to genitalia, are intercut with interviews to give a sense of the models' experiences. For bondage enthusiasts and the morbidly curious, there are visuals to gawk or gasp at throughout, but the tone becomes more conflicted as the film addresses the dilemmas of Insex models, as illustrated by the young woman who whimpers incredulously as her face is slapped. Face-slapping was her one hard limit (defined as activity forbidden by a model), but she struggles to play along because of the shame and lost fortunes a refusal begets.

GRAPHIC SEXUAL HORROR Thurs/16–Fri/17, Yerba Buena Center for the Arts, www.ybca.org -- Click here for showtimes and more details

Compiled by Molly Freedenberg

With the Partial Suspension class on Thursday and Marquis Ball on Saturday, this week's going to be BDSM-alicious.

-------------

>> Partial Suspension for Complete Sadists
Japanese rope bondage expert Mike West hosts this course featuring theories on challenging ties, installation of overhead points at home or on the go, testing a suspension ring, and the advantages of partial suspension. (Couples and singles welcome, but all must participate.)

Thurs/16, 7:30pm. $25-$30.
Stormy Leather
1158 Howard, SF.
(415) 626-1672
www.stormyleather.com"

----------

>> Chuluaqui Quodoushka
This shamanic approach to spiritual sexuality is a transformative series of shamanic teachings, guided exercises, and ceremnial experiences. For singles and couples.

Thurs/16-Sun/19. $695.
Passion Temple
Hayward
(510) 482-4239
email: planetarypriestess@att.net

By D. Scot Miller

A note from D., our new SEX SF contributor: "This is my first installment on the SFBG's Sex SF blog. I'm pretty sure that anyone who knows me half-suspected that I was a freak. Ease your suspicions friends, I am."

I just finished reading Hos, Hookers, Call Girls, and Rent Boys: Professionals Writing on Life, Love, Money, and Sex. by David Henry Sterry and R.J. Martin, Jr. (Soft Skull Press), a servicable account of sex-work and sex-play from professional providers of all genders, classes and orientations.

There are many standout pieces, Carol Queen's "Blowjob City," a poem by Anonymous called "Hermaphrodite," and my dear friend Sadie Lune's piece "Envelopes" come to the forefront for me. Installments by stalwart symbols like Nina Hartley, Xaviera Hollander and Georgina Spelvin give a comforting credibility to the collection. Sterry, no stranger to sex writing himself -- his first book "Chicken" lived on the NYT bestsellers list -- proves to be a more than competent editor and curator and for those who want to know what it's like in "The Life," this anthology is a good place to start.

With that said, the last thing you want in your sex, and I believe that I'm speaking for just about everyone, is dryness. Sex is wet, slippery, and messy, at least the sex I like, and sometimes trying to explain our sexual selves can be an arid and depressing affair. Many of the entries in this anthology, unfortunatley, fall into that category. There's just too much "blow-by-blow" and not enough "blow". Many of the entries are simply not sexy when it is clear that they are trying to be. And with all the talk of "sex-positive empowerment", its Mochalove out of Oakland, saying, "The next time I hear some rich white bitch tell me how great being a ho is, I'm gonna smack 'em upside they righteous head," that I most connected with and whose story I most wanted to hear.

By Juliette Tang

Folsom Street Fair: Not sexy enough for ya?

If you thought you heard the last of that stupid Trojan sex survey, then maybe you should stop reading this.

For those lucky enough to remain unexposed to this survey of which I speak, the basic gist is that we in SF aren't boning enough and when we do have sex, well, it sucks and we don't even like it. We ranked dead last out of 10 cities profiled by Trojan in terms of sexual frequency, and second to last (next to Boston) in sexual satisfaction.

Mike Alvear, host of HBO's The Sex Inspectors, is the latest blogger to drudge this tired survey up. In a Huffington Post column today, he writes that he's figured out why San Francisco rated so low, comparable to Atlanta, of all places.

By Juliette Tang

I've heard of people having sex on exercise balls, but I've never heard of an exercise ball fetish, in the true sense, before today. A 31-year old man from Duluth, MN, is on the run from cops after breaking into a gym and slashing a bunch of exercise balls "to satisfy a sexual urge". According to the Associated Press:

Authorities are familiar with the man. A criminal complaint released Thursday said he was convicted in 2005 of breaking into a sports facility at the University of Minnesota in Duluth and slashing about 70 balls. Each ball cost between $30 and $60. The complaint says when he pleaded guilty in that case, he admitted slashing more than 40 other balls at two clinics.

Court documents said the man told police he slashed the rubber balls to satisfy a sexual urge. Experts said he has an unusual attraction to inflatable exercise devices.

While this is the first time I've ever heard of a fetish related to exercise balls, it's really not that weird in context.

By Juliette Tang

In what is surely a sign of the decline of capitalism, Babes and Billionaires is now open for your consumption. This previously invitation-only site -- one described by its creators as "where the honeys meet the money" -- purportedly connects "billionaires" with "babes" (skepticism and scare quotes mandatory) and promises to be a cut above similar sites like Millionaire Match, Sugar Daddy for Me, Seeking Millionaire, and Seeking Arrangement, though how remains unclear, particularly in the area of general douche-baggery.

During a brief a phone conversation, Lawrence Miller (CFO) and Arnold Zelonka (VP of Marketing/Creative Director) used terms like "A-List" and "garbage" to differentiate between people, called their taste in female beauty "incredibly discerning," and admitted to believing Babes and Billionaires to be "a very clever name".

According to Miller, who is the only person I've ever spoken to who used the term "A-List" three times in the span of less than a minute: "The original genesis was contacts throughout the United States, mostly A-List people. We invited them to join what was then a private club and a place for them to meet. Professionally, I was in the entertainment business for many years and I've had a huge database of A-List people. And my Director of Marketing was in the advertising business and also had a large database of A-List people." When I asked him who he considered A-List, he responded, "People in the entertainment industry, and the rich and beautiful. We are gearing our marketing to those that qualify."

Though he said, "I wouldn't be so presumptuous to say I'm the ultimate judge of beauty," he did admit to having "incredibly discerning taste" in female beauty. As for the men? How rich are they? "Most of the men are worth in excess of 10 million dollars." The pairing between beautiful women and rich men works well for an online medium, Zelonka argued, because "People with money don't want to mingle with the garbage to meet people to date. A lot of them are shy and busy." And, if members of the site are anything to go by, some of them (actually, all of them) are creepy and talk like Smoove B from The Onion.

By D. Scot Miller

I clocked the jizz from a friend of yours named Vanessa Bet
She said u told her a fantasy that got her all wet
Something about a little box with a mirror and a tongue inside
What she told me then got me so hot/I knew that we could slide

My patron saint for all things freaky, Prince, wrote this lyric nearly 20 years ago (Can you believe it? Neither can I), who knew the manner of prophecy The Glyph was laying down all those years ago. Well, I've seen the future and it will be... the Makerbot.

MakerBot Industries creates open source robot kits that transform your digital designs into physical objects automatically. It functions like a 3D printer that can turn all of your 2D fantasies into stimulating simulacra with the push of a button. The MakerBot is kind of old news, but they just released the Cupcake CNC, a little, hackable, almost portable version of its more sturdy models.

Of course, sex is NOT what the pencil-pushers who made the gadget had in mind, at least not conspicuously, but like with their Internet and their camera phones, this little marvel will probably train on our orifices and stay there. The mind just reels, and other parts plump, to the possible applications. Send your "friend" a copy of your cock, your favorite toy, or just an outright dare. Polyurethane playmates, instant real-dolls, downloaded and waiting for your next to your desk, a box with a mirror and a tongue inside...

The press for this thing says "make anything you can imagine", and they will post your creations on their site. I'm wondering if any of the readers of this blog can make something they just refuse to post. Probably.

Compiled by Molly Freedenberg

Dottie Lux performs at Thursday's fundraiser for Lux Killmore's new film. Photo by Leland Bobbe.

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>> Ron's Birthday Underwear Party!
Celebrate Ron's "Dirty 30" with cake, underwear drink specials, and birthday surprises.

Thurs/30, 10pm. Free.
Powerhouse
1347 Folsom, SF
(415) 552-8689
powerhouse-sf.com

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>> Red Hanky Nite
Hell Hole hosts this theme night at Chaps on Folsom.

Thurs/30, 9pm. Free.
Chaps
1225 Folsom, SF
www.hellholesf.com

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>> FEED the FUN-draiser
In this fully LGBT film, all the characters are homo or trans and the killer? A lesbian. Help Lux Killmore get this movie made by supporting a fantastic evening of DJs, dancing, burlesque, performances, a silent auction, and full bar. With appearances by Kellita, Dottie Lux, Lady Monster, Kentucky Fried Woman, and more.

Thurs/30, 7pm. $10-$25.
Climate Theater
285 Ninth St, SF
www.climatetheater.com

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By D. Scot Miller

Unless Greyhound grows wings, I'll never be a member of the mile-high club. For those that don't know, the mile-high club sports members who have gotten a little somethin'-somethin' 30,000 feet in air. Membership is just one trip to that chemical-smelling cubicle that most airlines call bathrooms. Cleis Press editor Rachel Kramer Bussel puts a much better spin on the prospect in her anthology The Mile High Club: Plane Sex Stories. One-flight stands, kinky passengers, fantasy stewards, and cozy couples commingle when free to move about the cabin.

The standout piece for me is Thomas S. Roche's, "When Your Girlfriend Wears A Very Short Skirt." I've been seeing Roche's name in anthologies for years and often found his work not daring enough for my taste. Imagine my surprise when the word "cunt" was just sitting there! I never use that word. Not much of a fan of it either - I prefer pussy - but Roche dropping it in the middle of his piece was like a wolf showing off his teeth for the first time. Maybe he'd used it before, but this time I was shocked, appalled, and impressed.

Alison Tyler flexes her prodigious erotic muscle in "Planes, Trains, and Banana Seat Bicycles." "I could tell he was groaning, but I couldn't hear a sound besides the roar of the plane" Her title character says, "And I realized I don't ever want total quiet. I don't need darkness. Lights at the end of the runway are among my favorite sights." Talk about jazzy analogies! I can dig it.

Now for the bumpy landing: Erotic writing, second only to sports writing, can easily turn into a cliche-ridden morass. "His manly arms," "her dripping pussy" -- in many ways erotic lit hasn't made it past Victorian tumescence and tribadism. This is not to say that many of the passages in this fun book avoid this hazard, just that the ones that don't fizzle the sizzle for shizzle. Mix it up more next time.