SFBG's Justin Juul asks zookeeper Jane Tollini -- former penguin keeper at the San Francisco Zoo, and originator of the annual "Woo at the Zoo" tour -- about life, love, and sex in the animal kingdom. Read the previous installment here.
SFBG: Do monkeys get off on human porn?
Tollini: Apes do, yeah. You can teach an ape anything. If you bring in a human woman and have her demonstrate nursing to a gorilla that grew up in captivity, that gorilla will learn how to nurse a baby. But apes have pretty low sex drives so they probably wouldn’t be as in to porn as we are. The truth about animals is that very few of them actually have sex for pleasure. So there’s not much masturbating going on in the animal kingdom. It’s a little different at the zoo because our animals have more spare time, but masturbating and porn are pretty much human-specific. There are a few exceptions, I guess. I mean I’ve heard that alligators, elephants, and some primates have g-spots. But who the hell knows? I mean, how did they figure that out? You don’t just stick your finger inside and alligator and go “Does this feel good?” I mean, what…do they do give them a cigarette afterwards? Come on!
SFBG: You mentioned gay penguins a minute ago, and that’s something everybody knows about, but I was wondering, are there any other animals out there that practice homosexuality? And if so, what do you think that means for humans? I mean, if it’s not an issue for animals, why is it always such an issue for us?
Tollini: Oh my god! There are so many animals out there who just love the one they’re with. Really, you’d be surprised. I’ve seen gay chimps, gay birds, gay everything! Manatees --who are on the endangered species list, by the way, so they have an extra incentive to reproduce-- form lifelong homosexual bonds in both sexes. And so do other animals, which to me is proof that being gay is totally natural.
SFBG: Is there any sort of ostracizing that goes down, like how humans gay bash each other?
Tollini: Well, the best comparison to draw is always with chimps because they share 98% of our DNA structure. We had a little male chimp who was very virulent. He fathered three children and had a whole bunch of mates throughout his life. One of his mates was raised by humans. She used a knife and a fork to eat, she could do a little signing, and she loved clothes. But the weird thing about her was that, after she had sex with our chimp, she wanted nothing to do with him anymore. That made the male chimp very angry and he did seem to discourage her chumming up with other female chimps. But, to answer your question…no, there’s not much gay bashing going on in the animal kingdom. It seemed like my lesbian penguins dealt with a little bit of marginalization, but that’s just because we had so many horny males around, I think.
SFBG: What’s wrong with us? Tollini: Our brains are bigger and they just don’t work so well, I guess.
SFBG: We’re a buncha assholes, if you ask me.
Tollini: God! You know, animals are just so much more in tune with how to live. And I gotta say, it feels good to me to be appreciated by humans, but it’s nothing compared to the feeling I get when I walk into a heard of water buffalo and get treated with respect. Animals will either trust you or run from you and I consider it a great accomplishment that I’ve learned over my life how to move among many different types of animals. Also, I’d just like to add that I don’t think any animal keeper is in love with the zoo system…the captivity and all that. We love animals and this just happens to be a way we can be close to them and care for them. It’s not like we have this crazy drive to lock animals up and stare at them. It’s complicated I guess, but zookeepers just don’t feel that way.
SFBG: Ok, one more thing before we go. You said you grew up catholic in the beginning of this interview and I was just wondering, is there any truth to the rumor that catholic girls have tons of anal sex in high school because they see it as a way to avoid losing their virginity?
Tollini: Ha! No. I would say that most catholic girls would never have anal sex. I wouldn’t say that I’m one of them(!), but still…I don’t think it’s too prevalent. I think maybe that’s something you cooked up on your own there. Little girls in uniforms…c’mon Justin. That’s sick.
