Sir Loin Strip and Amelia Mae Paradise plan to take over Monday Night's Hubba Hubba Revue in Oakland with surprises, quirks, vaguery, folly, and fancy. Photo by Molly DeCoudreaux.

-------------

>> Flogassage
Serena Aderlini-D'Onofrio hosts this workshop on the bioenergetics of multiple loves, a hands-on course combining small group massage and mild flogging to convey the experience of polyamory.

Wed/18, 7pm
$5-$35
Center for Sex and Culture
1519 Mission, SF
www.sexandculture.org

-------------

>> Sex Workers' Writing Workshop
Gina de Vries hosts this workshop for current and former sex workers who want to share their writing and get honest, non-judgmental feedback.

Wed/18, 6-8pm
$10-$20
Center for Sex and Culture
1519 Mission, SF
www.sexandculture.org

-------------

>> ArtUndressed SF
Fashion shows, body painting, and live entertainment at this huge, three-day celebration and exhibit of erotic art, sculpture, and photography -- featuring local winners of Erotic Signature’s 2009 International Erotic Art Competition, including Nancy Peach, Damon Banner, Marc Taro Holmes, Retrotie, and 120 more!
Nov 19-21, Thursday and Friday 6pm to midnight and Saturday 3pm-9pm, $20
California Modern Art Gallery
1035 Market, SF
www.artundressed.net

-----------

>> Mission Control Fundraiser: Carnival Midway Sextravaganza!
Kinky Salon a sexy, scintillating evening featuring stripper clowns, carnival games, a bake sale and auction, fortune tellers, and XXX backroom action, plus appearances by Boenobo, DJ Nezzy Idy, Sister Kate, and more.
sex
Fri/20, 8pm
$20 (includes 10 free tokens to play)
Mission Control
2519 Mission, SF
ymlp.com/zlzJwg

-------------

>> Hubba Hubba Revue: The Miss Hubba Hubba Pageant!
It'll be a sensational, galmour-packed, talent-rich night when burlesque performers compete for the title of Miss Hubba Hubba. Also featuring Fromagique and Bombshell Betty's Burlesqueteers.

Fri/20, 9pm
$5-$12
DNA Lounge
375 11th St, SF
www.dnalounge.com

-------------

Dear Andrea:

Since you were so good as to weigh in on "cougar" ["Cougar Den," 10/22/08], perhaps you could settle the evident controversy around the correct usage of "MILF?" I think a MILF (Mother I'd Like to Fuck) is the mother of someone in your peer group. If your mom seems as sexual as burnt toast but Jimmy's mom looks surprisingly hot at the ninth grade bake sale, it makes you reevaluate the sexiness of mothers or, generally, adults over 35. Jimmy's mother is a MILF, and deserves the special category, only from the intergenerational perspective of a 14-year-old or whatever. It seems, though, that it's being used to mean any woman who has a kid, which totally gets my back up. I'm 26 with an infant — I'd like to think I'm sexy in my own right and MILF is uncalled for, unless my kid's friends at play-date start using the term way early. What do you think? Is MILF only referring to women of your parent's age and above, or does it mean any woman who has (gasp!) had a child?

Love,

Still Hot?

Dear Hot:

I think I've weighed in on "cougar" a bunch of times, and fascinated as I am by the way the sexually-not-dead-yet moderately older woman has become the Hottentot Venus of our time — sexualized yet grotesque-ified, exoticized, gawped at, and lampooned — I think I need to leave it alone now. As for "MiLF" and MILFs, we have discussed it and them here, but only once, in passing, when some bozo wrote in about his hot former ex niece-in-law, or something, whom he described as "the very personification of the MILF." And indeed, he did want to F her.

Punning and naughty Photoshopping can be extremely funny, extremely horrible, or both at the same time. A bad pun can empty a room, but a good bad pun always elicits a laugh. Similarly, while naughty Photoshopping is juvenile and distasteful, you can't help but admire the cleverness of a really good digitally altered photograph, regardless of content.

Porn is an industry that fully embraces parallel punning -- Muffy the Vampire Layer, Chitty Chitty Gang Bang, A Rear and Pleasant Danger, Romancing the Bone, etc. -- and suffice it to say, some of these puns are pretty adroit. The meme-generating folks at B3ta asked people to post their own Photoshopped porn posters based off actual movies, and the slightly NSFW 30+ pages of puerility are a must see for those who like their humor lower than low-brow. Personally, I can't get enough of these. Assablanca, The Crotchmen, Hymen Popper and the Chamber of Semen, Lawrence of a Labia, Metropenis, Iporkyalips Now... sexual punishment never felt so good!

Banned in the USA, despite our love of bang ... and burnt rubber

Oh TreeHugger. You’ve made my day.

Not only did the ever-relevant green blog send up the 10 Best Condom Ads Banned in the US, but they pointed out the very real societal value in effectively publicizing contraception. Intellect, wit, and raunch -- what more could you possibly ask for in a blog entry (or a Friday night)?

Author Brian Merchant points out that green living is about more than just composting and hybrid cars; overpopulation is straining the planet’s resources to an unsustainable level. Not only are Americans the world’s leading polluters, we also have an unusually high rate of unplanned pregnancies. And there are a lot of people that really loathe talking about contraception, much less see it advertised effectively.

It is unclear whether the ads were restricted by a regulatory agency or self-censored by marketers in the US (the article just says they were rejected for being “too sexually explicit”). Regardless, it’s pretty clear that our notoriously prudish compatriots would get more than a bit uppity at these exercises in tongue-in-cheek advertising.

Fortunately much of the rest of the world isn’t quite so unreasonable.

Dear Andrea:

I get irritable with my boyfriend when he doesn't want to have sex. This doesn't happen that often — we've been together less than a year and have sex most times we're together, which is about five days out of seven. But sometimes he's tired or not in the mood. This should be OK, right? If I were the guy and he were the girl, everyone would say "Stop pressuring her!" But I can't help feeling bad. What is wrong with me?

Love,

Moody

Dear Mood:

Indeed, what is wrong with you? Could it be that you are simply an irritable person, and if it were not this issue, you'd find something else about your interactions with Boyfriend Boy to make you cranky? No? Then you're just a normal person who is acting kind of spoiled. You and BFB are occasionally out of synch. And even non-cranky people have a hard time wrapping their heads around this part, but it is nobody's fault.

It would be a vast and silly oversimplification to say that everyone has a natural libido set-point, like the one that keeps your body-weight unsatisfactory (To you! I do not care!) no matter what changes you make to your ratio of calories-in to energy-out. People certainly do seem to have something of a tendency toward the high, middle, or low end of the libido scale, but life, moving on as it does, changes things. (Actually, body-weight set-points also shift, but shut up, it was a nice simile.) Things do calm down a bit post late-adolescence/young adulthood, and even for those who can honestly state that they feel just as driven as always by their own hormones, stuff gets in the way. And sometimes that stuff gets back out of the way eventually, the kids go to college, or a health issue resolves, or they start sleeping better, and a dampened libido can come roaring back to life. So no way am I positing that sex drive takes a long slow dispiriting slide toward oblivion as soon as we become grownups or anything, just that libido is dynamic. Even yours, sex-wanting girl, is subject to change.

The market for eco-friendly sex toys is growing, and in the past several years we've seen remarkable advances in the engineering of toys with ecology in mind. But while it's relatively easy to create eco-friendlier dildos, cock rings, condoms, or lubes, designing and manufacturing eco-friendlier vibrating toys is much more difficult -- as anything that vibrates is necessarily powered by some form of energy. The challenge is to create a toy that uses either the least amount of energy or the most sustainable type of energy possible, while still functioning just as well or better than a traditional battery-operated or plug-in alternative. Proudly, San Francisco is home to some of the hippest and youngest pioneers in the mechanics and design of innovative new sex toys.

Earlier this year, Bay Area engineering student Ani Niow created a steam-powered vibrator which, though perhaps not exactly eco-friendly, explored the mechanical possibilities of a different source of energy. Just this past week, we saw news of The Mean Green Fucking Machine, a water-powered toy designed by SFSU grad student Martin Cooper, who saw the design and market potential in creating a functional and aesthetically pleasing 'fucking machine' powered by alternative means.

Though Niow's Steampunk Vibe and Cooper's Mean Green Fucking Machine are both still in the most beta of beta stages, hopefully there will be many new developments in the alternative-energy-sex-toy sphere in the near future. And, kinky earthy types who want green vibes do have present options to choose from -- all of which your humble blogger has, at the very least, seen firsthand.

Battery-free Earth Angel Wind-Up Vibrator

The Earth Angel is made of 100% recycled materials and is actually hand-cranked to power. There is a tiny dial that pops out of the bottom of the vibrator, which the user cranks for 4 minutes to store 30 minutes of vibrating potential. The vibe is not at all versatile in terms of speeds and settings, and it looks chunky, plastic, and kind of ugly, but of all the alternatives on this list, Earth Angel is hands down the most eco-friendly. The main drawback is the $95 price which, to be honest, would deter purchase by all except the most dedicated eco-warriors.

Sola Vibe, a solar-powered g-spot vibrator

This cute vibrator has 3 speeds and at full power lasts up to 2.5 hours (if you're fine with having your vibrator sit on your windowsill to charge for 10 hours in direct sunlight). The design team had the foresight to create a g-spot vibrator, which adds to its versatility (can be used internally or externally). It's $70, which makes it one of the least expensive eco-friendlier vibrators on the market. For emergencies when solar-charging is not an option, the vibrator also comes with a secondary wall-charger.

Reviewing sex for the Guardian is a blast! Straight up. I get to peruse pornografica for pay. How sweet is that? It's my hope to begin exploring my sexual self for all the world to see! OK, that's kind of scary too, but a good kind of scary. Throughout the gamut of emotions I plumb while "doing" sex in my own writerly way, the one I most despise is boredom Sex should never, never-ever, be boring. When the mind glazes over with ennui around good-ol' ruttin', it's time to check-in; step up your game.

This is what I find in a lot of the erotica/porn writing I review. Nothing kills a moment like cliche'. And nothing says cliche' better than tired/lazy language. A poorly placed piece of trite breaks the spell of seduction and turns the whole affair into just another pick-up line. But I'm here to help, I really am, and I 've come up with 10 terms that writers should avoid at all costs when writing sex. Drumroll please:

Our post-Halloween, sugar-induced depression -- that vague feeling of existential disgust brought on by too much candy -- continues to rage on this hungover Monday. It arrives in the evil, saccharine form of Sugar Daddy Ken, the unfortunate new Ken doll via the lapidarists at Mattel.

According to Mattel, Sugar Daddy Ken (né "Sugar's Daddy Ken") is not the daddy of Sugar Chapeaux, the black Barbie, but of Sugar, the small white dog. And as Michelle Chidoni, spokeswoman for Mattel, told ABC most diplomatically, "At the end of the day, this collection is targeted toward adults. While the name of the doll does refer back to the dog, I think people are going to interpret it as they want to interpret it."

The only consolation toward feminism is the obvious fact of SDK's homosexuality. Crisp white pants paired with a bright green statement jacket themselves aren't enough to imply a same-sex preference, but add to the mix a small toy dog named Sugar who cants about on a bright pink leash and you're in the territory of grotesque, Bruno-style sexual stereotyping -- which is par for the course when it comes to ever responsible Mattel.

Sadly, SDK missed his opportunity to be immortalized in SF's Altered Babie Show, though of course there is always next year. If Mattel is unfazed by negative publicity and undeterred by the damage they will cause to fragile young psyches, SDK will be unleashed on stores in April of 2010.

And now, if you're allergic to the gross reinforcement of outworn gender stereotypes, don't read any further.

Twinkle Toes McGee, seen here at Hubba Hubba Revue: Post-Apocalypse, teaches a series of sexy, sweaty classes during Burlesque Boot Camp.

-------------

>> Sex Workers' Writing Workshop
Gina de Vries hosts this workshop for current and former sex workers who want to share their writing and get honest, non-judgmental feedback.

Wed/4, 6-8pm
$10-$20
Center for Sex and Culture
1519 Mission, SF
www.sexandculture.org

-------------

>> Nasty
Suzan Revah hosts this filthy fun-raiser for AIDS Emergency Fund, including Nasty Boys playing Stick It In, dirty dancing, dirty demos, and free massage by Alex of Club Eros.

Fri/6, 10pm
$5
Powerhouse
1347 Folsom, SF
(415) 552-8689
www.powerhouse-sf.com

-------------

>> Red Hots Burlesque
Celebrate the birthday of Ruby White, part of the cast of SF's first Red Hots Burlesque show, along with Dottie Lux, Honey Penny, Lady Satan, The Fying Fox, Peggy Sue, and Ruby H-white.

Fri/6, 7:30pm
$5-$10
El Rio
3158 Mission, SF
www.redhotsburlesque.com

-------------

Dear Readers:

I was going to write more this week about body size, body image, and sex, but I'm stupid sick, so here's an older one ["Cougar Den," 10/22/08] about age instead. It's all connected anyway. Don't get the flu.

Love,

Andrea

Dear Andrea:

Fourteen years ago, when I was 26, I met my husband, who was then 58. We've stayed together through thick and thin and we love each other enormously. It has pained me over the past decade to realize that, even when the woman in question has her own accomplishments and is not a "bimbo," and even when the man in question is appealing and interesting (not a Donald Trump or a philandering cad) — still the nasty stereotypes abound. British comedian Graham Norton, for instance, refers to Catherine Zeta-Jones as "that gold-digging Welsh whore."

I find that otherwise thoughtful women I meet, acting on a mixture of feminism, anger, and what I infer to be unacknowledged personal pain or fear, seem too willing to continue such stereotypes, and I hesitate to open up to women I would otherwise think of as potential friends. I have hoped that as increasingly empowered women realize that they can date younger men if they choose, the rage over the double-standard and fear of abandonment and dwindling romantic options will begin to fade.

We're more than maybe just crazy here at the Guardian over Bay band -- and breakthrough post-sexual heartthrobs -- Girls. Well, they're incredibly sad-funny-catchy single "Lust for Life" just got the hardcore video outtake treatment, penis microphones and Hunx cameos and all ... Watch and revel in true San Francisco loveliness ...

(via our friends at The Sword)

Girls will be cramming out Bottom of the Hill on Nov. 21.

Kink.com's Van Darkholme, Peter Acworth, and Princess Donna in the Armory boiler room, photographed by Pat Mazzera for our 2008 "Kink Dreams" cover story.

I've always been fascinated with the Kink.com building on 14th and Mission.

A former armory, and reproduction of a Moorish castle, it looks like a parochial school for wayward souls. Often I've wondered what goes on in this monolithic old-world structure, seeming more suitable for doling out justice than ecstasy. I checked out a few of Kink's family of Web sites and recommend all you surfers out there do the same. There's an aura around the building, the history, and what it now houses that epitomizes what San Francisco was, is, and can be that I'm behind with everything I've got.

Of course, there's BDSM with Hogtied.com, MenInPain.com, and TheTrainingofO.com. Woe unto the cynic within me who has become jaded by BDSM. Though the people are enjoying themselves and others, maybe too many trips to the old Power Exchange (and sub-station) and Folsom Street Fair in my youth have taken their toll.

The ones I find fascinating are WiredPussy.com, TSSeduction.com, FuckingMachines.com, and UltimateSurrender.com.

Michel Foucault's name is fondly dropped by anyone who has ever skimmed a pomo reader in college, but seriously reading his work (reading Foucault: A Very Short Introduction unfortunately doesn't count) is a difficult, often trying challenge. Even the relatively slim History of Sexuality, Vol: 1 requires at least a couple of weeks of laboriously close reading to untangle and does take time away from things like going out and expanding the history of ones own sexuality.

So where should the curious reader interested Foucault's work on sexuality look toward, to prepare themselves for (or, in lieu of) reading Foucault without having to plunge headfirst into things like historicisms, repressive hypotheses, and binary systems? There is a very brief, very fascinating interview with the philosopher that Le Gai Pied published in 1981 called "Friendship is a Way of Life". It is available online. While I downloaded the interview as a PDF on AAAARG (more on that in a bit), you can see the entire interview on Scribd, download-free.

Glass Kandi emanates the raw, real sweetness of sex with high-end glass toys that, when used right, will last a lifetime. These days, it seems everywhere you look, happy-go-lucky, goody-two shoes sex-shops have been selling the “fun” in sex: things like cheery, animal-shaped silicone dildos and weird crap like bubblegum lube. One step into the classy boutique at Glass Kandi, however, makes the passionate nakedness of sex feel…well, sexy again.

Formerly known as Glass Dildo Me (until a neighborhood merchant complained about the name), the interior of the Tenderloin shop is a complete 180 from the gritty streets outside. Under elegant chandeliers, wondrous glass collectibles made for lovemaking adorn the shelves, literally sparkling. There are simple, elegant pieces. Light-up toys, floggers, glass plugs, double dildos, corkscrews, and kaleidoscope-like pieces. And even a line of food-related toys made to look like eggplants, bumpy cucumbers, fat jalapeños, and sausage links. Dildos come in various sizes fit for your body and in different textures; be it smooth, ribbed or bumpy. No two pieces -- being handmade and glass-blown -- are exactly the same. (Though most toys are priced between $100 and $200, with some as high as $449, some hover around the affordable $59 range.)

Michelle L'amour, Miss Exotic World 2005, performs at Lucha VaVOOM at the Fillmore on Friday.

-------------

>> Sex & Memory: Writing from your own experience
Jen Cross teaches this course on documenting the amazing experiences you have in (and out of) bed, whether for your lover or a publisher. Then stay for the Erotic Reading Circle!

Wed/28, 5:30pm
$10-$30
Center for Sex and Culture
1519 Mission, SF
sexandculture.org

-------------

>> Erotic Reading Circle
Carol Queen and Jen Cross host this monthly gathering in celebration of longtime writers, newly inspired daydreamers, and non-judgmental listeners of all orientation.

Wed/28, 7:30pm
$5+
Center for Sex and Culture
1519 Mission, SF
sexandculture.org

-------------

>> See Me, Hear Me, Drink Me
This hetero-centric event gives men and women a chance to find out what the opposite sex thinks, make some new connections, and explore difficult topics, thanks to a 90-minute kick-off of free-flowing communication followed by a fun and playful cocktail party. The topic tonight? Slow sex and Intimacy, brought to you by OneTaste's Robert Kandell.

Wed/28, 7:30pm
$5/women; $15/solo men; $10/men with female friend
Authentic SF
115 10th St, SF
www.authenticsf.com

-------------

>> Rock Strip n' Roll
Hubba Hubba Revue's Kingfish hosts this scintillating night of rock and performance, featuring Live Evil, Electric Vagina, Gods of Rock, Honey Lawless, Hot Pink Feathers, and more.

Thurs/29, 9:30pm
$10
Rouge
1500 Broadway, SF
www.hubbahubbarevue.com

-------------

>> Thrillville's Halloween Gore 'n' Snorefest
Halloweenie-movie and burlesque freaks will love Thrillville's event, featuring surf punk music by The Deadlies, tassel-twirling goodness from Lady Monster, and two super sleazy rock'n'schlock cult classic films: Chainsaw Hookers and Zontar: The Thing from Venus!.

Thurs/29, 7:30pm
$12
Balboa Theater
3630 Balboa, SF
www.thrillville.net

-------------