By Andrea Nemerson. Email your questions to andrea@mail.altsexcolumn.com. Read more of Andrea's columns here.

Dear Andrea:

Since you were so good as to weigh in on "cougar" ["Cougar Den," 10/22/08], perhaps you could settle the evident controversy around the correct usage of "MILF?" I think a MILF (Mother I'd Like to Fuck) is the mother of someone in your peer group. If your mom seems as sexual as burnt toast but Jimmy's mom looks surprisingly hot at the ninth grade bake sale, it makes you reevaluate the sexiness of mothers or, generally, adults over 35. Jimmy's mother is a MILF, and deserves the special category, only from the intergenerational perspective of a 14-year-old or whatever. It seems, though, that it's being used to mean any woman who has a kid, which totally gets my back up. I'm 26 with an infant — I'd like to think I'm sexy in my own right and MILF is uncalled for, unless my kid's friends at play-date start using the term way early. What do you think? Is MILF only referring to women of your parent's age and above, or does it mean any woman who has (gasp!) had a child?

Love,

Still Hot?

Dear Hot:

I think I've weighed in on "cougar" a bunch of times, and fascinated as I am by the way the sexually-not-dead-yet moderately older woman has become the Hottentot Venus of our time — sexualized yet grotesque-ified, exoticized, gawped at, and lampooned — I think I need to leave it alone now. As for "MiLF" and MILFs, we have discussed it and them here, but only once, in passing, when some bozo wrote in about his hot former ex niece-in-law, or something, whom he described as "the very personification of the MILF." And indeed, he did want to F her.

Continue reading "alt.sex.column: MILFbone" »

Posted by SFBG at 04:40 PM | | | Comments (0)

By Andrea Nemerson. Email your questions to andrea@mail.altsexcolumn.com. Read more of Andrea's columns here.

Dear Readers:

I was going to write more this week about body size, body image, and sex, but I'm stupid sick, so here's an older one ["Cougar Den," 10/22/08] about age instead. It's all connected anyway. Don't get the flu.

Love,

Andrea

Dear Andrea:

Fourteen years ago, when I was 26, I met my husband, who was then 58. We've stayed together through thick and thin and we love each other enormously. It has pained me over the past decade to realize that, even when the woman in question has her own accomplishments and is not a "bimbo," and even when the man in question is appealing and interesting (not a Donald Trump or a philandering cad) — still the nasty stereotypes abound. British comedian Graham Norton, for instance, refers to Catherine Zeta-Jones as "that gold-digging Welsh whore."

I find that otherwise thoughtful women I meet, acting on a mixture of feminism, anger, and what I infer to be unacknowledged personal pain or fear, seem too willing to continue such stereotypes, and I hesitate to open up to women I would otherwise think of as potential friends. I have hoped that as increasingly empowered women realize that they can date younger men if they choose, the rage over the double-standard and fear of abandonment and dwindling romantic options will begin to fade.

Continue reading "alt.sex.column: Return to Cougar Town" »

Posted by SFBG at 05:00 PM | | | Comments (0)

By Andrea Nemerson. Email your questions to andrea@mail.altsexcolumn.com. Read more of Andrea's columns here.

Dear Andrea:

I have a feeling this is not the best way to get a sympathetic response from you, but it' a real problem for me and I like your advice, so I thought I might as well give it a try. Here goes.

My boyfriend and I have been together eight years. I can't say I'm as cute now as I used to be, but I'm OK. "Brian," on the other hand, has gained weight every year due to a desk job and, I guess, just normal metabolism stuff. By now, he's actually fat. And I just don't feel attracted the way I used to. I still love him, but I'm really not feeling it in the sex department. Do I try to get him to lose weight, or just put up with a no-sex partnership (forever?), or try to find someone I do have the hots for? Help!

Love,

Size Matters

Dear Size:

Before we even consider getting into the hopelessness of pinning your future on weight loss — yours or anyone else's — let's talk about relationships at the seven- or eight-year mark. This is not, generally speaking, a high point.

Continue reading "alt.sex.column: Fat lot of good" »

Posted by SFBG at 08:09 PM | | | Comments (0)

By Juliette Tang

A new mint called Linger is being marketed toward women who wish to improve the taste of their natural vaginal secretions. I first heard of Linger mints via Mother Jones, where writer Jen Philips revealed that Lingers have the same chemical composition of a sugary breath mint (and not even a good mint at that, but the cheap trade-show variety). Using a Linger, then, is essentially the equivalent of inserting a petri dish into the vaginal canal in terms of courting a yeast infection, though for women who wish to harvest kombucha by way of their genitalia these mints may have some utility.

Sadly, it's not inconceivable that a female shopper might purchase this product, despite its $7.99 price tag and associated health risks. As a woman, I know that we justify embarrassing purchases in name of feminine modesty (or feminine shame, depending on how you look at it) all the time. The fact that "fish" has become a culturally normalized adjective in reference to the vagina is disturbing enough.

Continue reading "Do you have to let it Linger?" »

Posted by Marke B. at 10:24 AM | | | Comments (1)

By Mistress Eve Minax, a professional dominatrix, sex educator, and food lover based in SF

If you’ve been following the last sexcipes, you now know how to prepare an eight hour pork spare rib meal with side of rubber gimp, and you also know how to make a hot sexy quicky with a burger and your lover.

Today’s sexcipe will focus on a meal that may not take any longer than the quicky but is so widely appreciated that it begs to be accompanied by a classic scenario from everybody’s favorite person and potential sex symbol, their Mommy. Now, I’m not talking about your actual mother. I’m talking about that feminine archetype who has held your hand when you were sick, spanked you when you peed the bed, and gave up the best cuts of meat to make sure you grow up big and strong. In other words, the maternal figure who cares for you, disciplines you, and also creates some of your initial sexual propensities in life. As a Mommy figure I find bringing my “children” into a primal state of no longer having to worry about who they are and what their place is in society gives me a great opportunity to contain them in that primal space while allowing their sexual fantasies to emerge.

Ingredients:

Truffle Steak

1 pound grass fed velvet steak (you may substitute skirt or bavette, but I prefer velvet)
2 cloves garlic
pinch of truffle salt
crushed black pepper
smidge of olive oil (truffle if you have it)
8-10 shitake mushrooms

Continue reading "Sexcipe: Mommy makes steak" »

Posted by SFBG at 10:59 AM | | | Comments (0)

By Andrea Nebmerson. View more alt.sex.columns here.

andrea@mail.altsexcolumn.com

Dear Andrea:

I've always had a pretty good sex life, with no problems getting it up or keeping it up, until recently. I'm now 59 and suddenly, even a la Viagra, it's just about impossible. It is even difficult for me to get an erection masturbating. I had my doctor give me a whole series of tests and everything seems OK, so I am mystified. Perhaps it is just age (whatever that means, since I have been and remain quite athletic)? Any thoughts or clues? Or is my sex life pretty much over with?

Love,

Feeling Down

Dear Down:

I'm feeling a little down too, just reading this. No way should your sex life just be over, and no way should we assume that that bunch of tests was testing for the right things. As much as we (the sex educator "we") often direct help-seekers right back to their medical providers, medical providers frankly kind of suck at solving sex problems.

Did the doctor test your testosterone? Did s/he check it more than once? Did you get a prostate exam? How about your blood sugar? Are you on beta-blockers or similar for high blood pressure? And, perhaps most important, did s/he send you on for a cardio work-up? I don't want to scare you, but inability to get blood to the pelvis may be indicative of inability to get blood circulating nicely everywhere else, and that's never good.

There is much discussion lately of desire disorders, the sudden (media) prevalence of which is a bit mysterious, not to mention a bit subjective. One person's desire disorder is another's normal sex drive, and refreshing as it has been to see women's sexuality taken seriously, there may be a bit of — dare I call it hysteria?- around women and desire going on out there. But more on all that later. This sounds physical.

Continue reading "alt.sex.column: The new 49" »

Posted by SFBG at 09:12 PM | | | Comments (0)

By Mistress Eve Minax, a professional dominatrix, sex educator, and food lover based in SF. Read her previous sexcipe here.

This recipe ("The Quickie") was inspired by a quick spanking, bondage and fucking session the other night. Quick and easy, you still have time to process, read, or watch a movie, happily sated in sex and food.

Burger with almond butter served on salad of mesclun greens, strawberries, avocado, and spicy citrus melon

Ingredients:
1 lb Grass fed ground beef
salt, (high quality or smoked)
fresh ground pepper
garlic clove
Raw almond butter
Mesclun greens
Half pint strawberries
Avocado
1 fresh melon
two lemons
ground cayenne pepper
2 tbsp olive oil

Method:
Chop the garlic clove and combine it with the ground with the salt and pepper and set aside.

Grab your subject and lift her skirt or drop his trousers and put them across your lap for a lengthy, fine, slow, well delivered spanking, (take classes if you want to know more!). When their ass is warm and rosy and both of you are turned on, have them go to the bed, strip, and lay like an X. Bind the arms and feet nice and wide and outstretched, add a blindfold. Tell them something dirty to think about.

Return to kitchen, (within eye and ear shot).

Continue reading "Sexcipe: No-carb burger salad with spanking" »

Posted by SFBG at 04:23 PM | | | Comments (1)

By Mistress Eve Minax, a professional dominatrix, sex educator, and food lover based in SF

After I met my nutrition coach Matt Lascala, (in my spanking class at Good Vibrations no less), I was told that eliminating all sugars, dairy, and grains from my diet would be helpful to me. I was somewhat skeptical to say the least - okay, I thought, I’ll try it for a week or two, and then maybe let it go. After only three days I had much more energy, slept well at night (I had tendencies towards insomnia), became more productive and basically regained a new sense of pleasure in life! I was sold.

I have always been interested in cuisine and decided long ago not to become a chef because I was afraid of losing my creative compunctions in the kitchen from working long hours for other people. So I became a Dominatrix. The PaleoZone diet has opened up a new sense of creativity for me as far as foods I can and cannot eat and how to get that crazy Provencial Gourmande feel from such a paltry sounding diet. It has been a phenomenal inspiration. I liken its rustic feel to Medieval debauchery, and since I love playing as well as eating, I decided to start “pairing” my meals with my play.

Modifications:
Technically, one does not drink wine while dieting, but since this regimen is for optimal health and not for weight loss (though I have lost 10 lobs or so in the first six weeks), I keep wine because it gives the Mistress a certain quality of life she enjoys. You may wish to modify things as well, depending on your dietary and quality of life needs.

Menu:

Pork Spare Ribs Braised with Beets and Onions
Collard Greens and Baby Daikon
Cirtrus Peaches with Filberts

Paired with: Rubber Abduction, Electrical Play, Forced Release

Continue reading "Sexcipe: Pork ribs with a side of rubber gimp" »

Posted by SFBG at 07:26 PM | | | Comments (1)

By Andrea Nemerson. Read more of her columns here.

andrea@mail.altsexcolumn.com

Dear Andrea:

I'm confused. Are there any guys out there who aren't at the extremes as far as sex goes? My ex-boyfriend was completely obsessed. Not only did he want it four-plus times a day, he'd want to have phone sex at least twice a day when we were apart. I think of myself as a pretty sexual person, but even I have my limits. Plus phone sex was boring. I like to masturbate, but it's hard for me to orgasm when I feel the person on the end of the line is waiting. But that's not why he's my ex. He was rather immature. He was so obsessed with sex, everything was sexual. If I said it was raining out. He'd say "oooh sounds ... wet." If I said something was hard (difficult) he'd say "ooh, hard!" It was like that with everything! He was not some 20-year-old kid, either. He was 48! I'm 31 and I felt I was more mature than he was. So we broke up. Then I fell in love with his polar opposite. We've been together a couple years and our sex life has gone downhill rapidly, from two or three times a week to maybe once every three months. I've tried to initiate, but I get nowhere. It only happens when he wants it to. I really love this guy and I want to marry him. I just need to figure out how to find a happy medium.

Love,

Opposite Day

Dear Day:

Continue reading "alt.sex.column: Ooo, hard" »

Posted by SFBG at 06:45 PM | | | Comments (2)

By D. Scot Miller

FURVERTS
By Michael Cogliantry
(Chronicle Books, $12.95)

Yeah. OK. I was one of those people who thought that Bugs Bunny looked hot in drag. There was something about the way his bucked teeth looked with lipstick, the way his large, mascara eyes gave a come hither look that gave me a tingle. And when his disguise would inevitably come off, often exposing his cotton-tail to Elmer Fudd, my pre-adolescent self would get a goose.

Like so many of my generation, we had no idea what we were feeling or how it would translate in adulthood. For me, large eyes and buck-teeth grab my attention. Others became Furverts.

A Furvert is turned on by furry costumes - Bugs Bunny's tail - and Michael Cogliantry has created a board book, originally titled The Furry Kama Sutra, that captures these furry lovers in flagrante delicto in various mundane settings: A bear blows a bunny in the living room, a lion boffs a rooster in the garage.

"Birds do it, bees do it, but no one does it like furries do it."

Chronicle Books took a chance on this one. Formatting it as a board book, looking so much like the kind babies chew on, and filling it with woodland creatures in compromising positions touches on a disquieting element, though it's difficult to explain just why. My copy came with a plastic cover sporting a sticker saying, "Paws off! Not suitable for kids," and yet it, like the fur-play chronicled, appeals to the kid in you. Ick.

All-in-all, this is harmless and quirky little curio with no explicit photos. The poses themselves range from silly to sappy and the settings, from the depressing no-tel motels to the press-board basement, make the furry rutters all the more hilarious.

Posted by SFBG at 11:41 AM | | | Comments (1)

By Juliette Tang

It's an age old story. You meet someone intriguing. The two of you go out, sparks fly, chemistry is so hot and heavy that you end up at your date's place before the night ends, despite your better judgment. And, once you get there, you realize you were fooled all along. There is not a compact fluorescent light bulb to be seen in the whole apartment, the garbage bags are decidedly not biodegradable, and - horror upon horror - the dish detergent is from Safeway.

If images of landfills, melting ice caps, and being alone for the rest of your life keep you awake with nightmares, maybe it's time to try Green Speed Dating, a "carbon neutral love" event coming to Temple (540 Howard St) next Monday, July 20. According to the Web site:

Green Speed Dating (or "carbon neutral love") brings together single people, living in the same area, who care about the environment, believe in sustainability, and would like to meet others who feel the same way.

If you replace "Green Speed Dating" in the above sentence with "San Francisco," you get quite an accurate description of most people in our city.

Continue reading "Organic love: green speed dating" »

Posted by SFBG at 05:51 PM | | | Comments (1)

By Andrea Nemerson. View more alt.sex columns here. Email your questions to Andrea: andrea@altsexcolumn.com.

Dear Readers:

I recently resurfaced on Facebook after lying low for a year or so. Participating in social media no longer really feels optional — if you want to see people, that's where they went. I've also been fascinated lately by the way the new media are changing our relationships with our own histories. Never before has it been so easy to reconnect with your past, or so hard to escape it. And friending acts as a great leveler: ex-boyfriend = current book-club pal = your best friend in grade school = your mom. You have no idea what kind of person that former girlfriend — the one who eviscerated you in public and left you for dead — really is now, but there she is, posting recipes and kindergarten graduation pix as if nothing ever happened. None of these quasi-connections need feel any realer or more important than the "Which kind of dryer lint are you?" quizzes and exchanges of virtual knickknacks. That moment when her name first pops up in your Facebook e-mail, though, that's as real as a sucker-punch to the solar plexus, and can feel quite similar. What happens after that is the story. If you've got a good Facebook reunion tale, please share it with the class. Here's the first one:

Dear Andrea:

I Facebooked my high school boyfriend. I received a warm response and an update. He has a wife and kids and a finance career that sounds kind of sleazy. Way back, he was rich and I was from the wrong side of the tracks.

He PM'd me his phone number. I really had no interest in calling him, but I gave him mine, thinking if he really wants to talk to me, he can call. I'm married and have two kids and really didn't care.

He called twice. I was surprised, but kind of enjoyed the conversations. I think my life now is a lot more interesting than his, and I'm doing just as well as he is. In high school it was always that he was going to go on to great things and I was just going to be a housewife (he told me this once). Now he sounds kind of out-of-control and I am quite satisfied with my life.

Also — he's cheating on his wife, pretending to be single on online dating sites. Oddly, it sounds like he's picking up working-class girls, like I was, which is weird for me. He says he doesn't want a divorce. I told him that sneaking behind his wife's back is wrong. I told him he should write to you although I doubt he will (and you'd hang him).

I definitely need to break the contact. But, you have no idea how empowering it is to find out I have, on my terms, a BETTER life than he has.

This is sleazy, isn't it?

Lady Schadenfreude

PS: OMG! When I turned down an invitation to come visit while his wife was out of town, he de-friended me!

Continue reading "alt.sex.column: A friend indeed" »

Posted by SFBG at 04:01 PM | | | Comments (0)

SFBG's Justin Juul asks zookeeper Jane Tollini -- former penguin keeper at the San Francisco Zoo, and originator of the annual "Woo at the Zoo" tour -- about life, love, and sex in the animal kingdom. Read the previous installment here.

SFBG: Do monkeys get off on human porn?
Tollini: Apes do, yeah. You can teach an ape anything. If you bring in a human woman and have her demonstrate nursing to a gorilla that grew up in captivity, that gorilla will learn how to nurse a baby. But apes have pretty low sex drives so they probably wouldn’t be as in to porn as we are. The truth about animals is that very few of them actually have sex for pleasure. So there’s not much masturbating going on in the animal kingdom. It’s a little different at the zoo because our animals have more spare time, but masturbating and porn are pretty much human-specific. There are a few exceptions, I guess. I mean I’ve heard that alligators, elephants, and some primates have g-spots. But who the hell knows? I mean, how did they figure that out? You don’t just stick your finger inside and alligator and go “Does this feel good?” I mean, what…do they do give them a cigarette afterwards? Come on!

SFBG: You mentioned gay penguins a minute ago, and that’s something everybody knows about, but I was wondering, are there any other animals out there that practice homosexuality? And if so, what do you think that means for humans? I mean, if it’s not an issue for animals, why is it always such an issue for us?
Tollini: Oh my god! There are so many animals out there who just love the one they’re with. Really, you’d be surprised. I’ve seen gay chimps, gay birds, gay everything! Manatees --who are on the endangered species list, by the way, so they have an extra incentive to reproduce-- form lifelong homosexual bonds in both sexes. And so do other animals, which to me is proof that being gay is totally natural.

SFBG: Is there any sort of ostracizing that goes down, like how humans gay bash each other?

Continue reading "Jane of the Jungle: Tolerant beasts, big-brained assholes, and naughty schoolgirls" »

Posted by SFBG at 02:37 PM | | | Comments (0)

By Molly Freedenberg

Illustration from Salon.com story on polyamory.

I used to say the word "polyamory" is just shorthand for "really slow break-up." Though I know two couples who manage to have successful, committed, loving partnerships both within and outside of their marriages, most cases I've witnessed have ended in disaster. And even more common, I've noticed, is that the people who discuss or consider polyamory are in unhappy relationships already. For polyamory to work, all partners involved must be good communicators, secure in themselves and each other, and, above all else, compassionate. But unhappy couples tend to be none of these. For them, opening the relationship is a way to get needs met without having to address difficult issues, including the idea of actually breaking up. Instead, opening the relationship intensifies existing problems, introduces new ones, and, usually, ends in a break-up anyway.

I used to be one of the latter. I was in a long-term, exclusive relationship that was satisfying in many ways. But our sex life was dismal. Neither of us wanted to break up, and none of our attempts to remedy our sexual problems seemed to work. So we began to discuss the possibility of finding sexual fulfillment outside our otherwise (mostly) happy home. But the mental gymnastics required to consider such a possibility always led to the same injurious conclusion: our relationship's inevitable demise. Neither of us thought we could manage the jealousy. And even worse, both my boyfriend and I feared that if one of us were to find fulfillment outside each other, we might realize we didn't want each other at all. The final decision? We didn't do it. I decided I'm not cut out for open relationships, and neither are most people. Within a year, my boyfriend and I broke up, and I stayed almost entirely -- and blissfully -- single for the next two years.

Fast forward to the present.

Continue reading "Open wide: Polyamory reconsidered" »

Posted by Molly Freedenberg at 03:33 PM | | | Comments (9)

Each week Justin Juul highlights a rad upcoming local sexy event

Who: Hardcore Christians and other ridiculous assholes probably won’t agree with me here, but the truth about human desire is that it knows no bounds and is utterly insatiable. What this means is that you can be totally happy and living a life of ease with your soul mate, but that you’re never going to stop wondering what it’d be like to jump in a closet with that hot guy/girl who makes your stupid latte every morning. And then there’s all those chicks and dudes at the park and in the check-out line at Safeway, just standing around in cutoff shorts daring you to risk your life for a one night stand. Torture! In a perfect world, you could fall in love and go on romantic vacations with every doable person you see. But it’s not a perfect world (no cake if you plan on eating, remember?) and so if you want to keep things cool with your long-term lover, those evil sirens just have to be ignored. Or do they? If you live in San Francisco and happen to have a computer, you’ve probably heard of the missed connections section on Craigslist. It’s basically a message board for people who locked eyes with someone recently, decided to stay away for whatever reason, and then thought better of that decision afterward. Now they want to either see that person again or publicly-yet-anonymously fantasize about reconnecting. Girls getting off busses, dudes with perfect hair on connecter flights, baristas, waiters, and rugged gas-station attendants are what the missed connections section is all about. You can pine for them on Craigslist all you want, but if you’re feeling really adventurous, you’ll show up at this art show for another small nibble of forbidden fruit.

Continue reading "Peepshow: Missed Connection, found somehow" »

Posted by SFBG at 12:41 PM | | | Comments (1)

By Andrea Nemerson. View more alt.sex columns here.

› andrea@altsexcolumn.com

Dear Andrea:

I'm not 40, like the author of the "40 and Frustrated" letter, but I'm afflicted with another "less than desirable" characteristic: color. Oh, and a bit of meat on my bones, although that's never been much of a problem. I'm a black woman and I date(d) all sorts of men. Online has never been the right place for me to meet men because, in a field of redheads and green eyes, men pass right by my photo. I got absolutely no interest except from men I am not interested in. And if I happened to get an interested male inquiry, I too found that the communication petered out quickly.

Several years back, I moved to the city on my own. Finally — no roommates, no significant other, just me. My friends were in relationships or newly married and I had to find activities that allowed me to have fun and meet single men. When I went out with friends, I was always just another girl in the crowd.

I got the best results when I began going out by myself, walking into an establishment where I knew no one, ordering a drink, sitting at the bar, and looking desirable and approachable with a book or a snack. A month ago, I even had a CL Missed Connections ad placed for me by a nice Irish man after visiting a local pub and having a burger and beer. It is a 99.9 percent given that if you are female and alone, a male will walk up to you and begin a conversation. Despite your age, your looks, your size, your ethnicity, if a man sees you alone, without a crew of other females to choose from, he will feel compelled to find out your story and see if he has a shot with you.

Two years ago, out by myself, I met a man I had eyed a few times over the years. We chatted. We joked. We got to know each other. Two-and-a-half years later, we're still together.

We both have an independent nature, which still leads me to frequent places on my own. Each and every time, I am approached. I'm attractive, but I'm not all that, so this is something any woman can do. I feel that we, as women, need to step it up a notch and realize that we need to depend mostly on ourselves and not our friends or the Internet to hook us up or place us in situations where we'll meet people.

Continue reading "A little luck, a little pluck" »

Posted by SFBG at 03:56 PM | | | Comments (0)

By Andrea Nemerson. View more alt.sex columns here

› andrea@altsexcolumn.com

Dear Andrea:

I'm ready to go live in a cave. It's been two years since I've dated. Partly I backed off from the scene, and partly I'm not receiving much interest. I think I'm smart, approachable, creative, "together," nice, and passably cute. It's starting to affect my self-confidence.

I joined eHarmony ($120!) and nerve.com, solicited friends' input on my profiles, and followed up on every match. I got one eHarmony date (great but not local) and rarely heard back from anyone. I try to e-mail one guy a day. Either they don't answer or our communication peters out soon after I e-mail. The ones who really get me seem very interested, ask me out, then drop it when I accept.

Why? Is this a Mars/Venus thing? Maybe online just isn't my venue? I do several activities that attract single guys, but haven't led to much — except maybe embarrassment on my part when I show interest and get a brush-off. Maybe try going through friends again? That worked in the past.

I just turned 40 and would like a partner. Mostly I've been solo, and that really sucks.
Love,

Forty & Frustrated

Dear F&F:

Before you go live in a cave, you might consider something a little less drastic, like living in a smaller, less brutally competitive city far from the coasts. It's an idea.

Barring that, we have to subject your online interactions to the scrutiny of a girlfriend panel. Ideally these would be your girlfriends — they could make far more specific suggestions, like lose that mullet or stop telling everyone about your rectal fistula. But if you don't have a panel, you can borrow mine. I convened one for you.

Irina: The phenomenon of guys initiating and then vanishing as soon as you try to make a date is very familiar, and probably has nothing to do with her. I could theorize all day, but when it comes down to it, they're not ready to actually connect with people, so fuck 'em. Next!

Continue reading "Alt.sex.column: Cave woman" »

Posted by Marke B. at 07:35 PM | | | Comments (0)

By Marke B.

OK, all this may be a little tired by now, but I'm still in full agreement with Kimberly Chun's expert take down of Katy "UR So Gay" Perry from January of last year. That was published before Perry's odiously catchy "I Kissed a Girl" became impossible to escape last summer -- the ditty managed to "have it both ways," heh, playing both anti-gay conservatives and LGBTs for maximum chart effect. That's clever, but the song's lame sentiment (kissing girls turns my boyfriend on -- lesbians are only here for my amusement!) still makes my stomach churn.

The parodies came swift and mercilessly, from "I Kissed a Squirrel" (available in many versions) to "I Kissed a Granny" (yeesh!) to "I Kissed a Dog." Oh, enough already, YouTube Nation.

And then, of course, teh gay. I should have known there would be an onslaught of over-the-top backlash when drag superstar Lady Bunny unleashed "I Licked a Girl" on the world last year (first minute below):

Lady Bunny, "I Licked a Girl" at Southern Decadence

Yay, overly familiar gynophobia! Still, it could all be called hilarious if it wasn't a trend. Now, the pendulum has swung back, with emo boys embracing the kissing hysteria, and a flood of "I Kissed a Boy" guyliner-bedecked parodies, headed up by primo "hip" parody purveyors Cobra Starship's version from a Fall Out Boy (!) mixtape. I knew I was gonna have to surrender my critical faculties and just go with the flow when one of my smartest gay friends told me he was completely Lady GaGa for the boy in the video, followed by my bf Hunky Beau's comment: "Oh goodie, he takes his shirt off." At least the dood-singer Gabe lipsyncher (a reader informs us in the that this is a fan vid, not Cobra Starship itself) plays with the whole baseball-bat-bashing theme a little, even if he can't quite bring himself to admit the "he liked it" more than just wanting to "start shit."

Cobra Starship, "I Kissed A Boy"

So much confliction! Smash! Twist! Contort! Feint! Poor thing. I guess my question is, is kissing really that big a deal? And also, with the super-prominence of porn availability in the Internet age, has kissing become the final frontier of sexual boundaries -- the last retainer of intimacy now that all other sex acts have been publicized/commodified? Janet Jackson's boob, Paris and Britney's flashed beavers, and then Katy's emo lesbo-liplock spawn. Well, I guess whatever automatically short circuits "fag" in the comments section these days is maybe a good thing?

After the jump, an explosion of "I Kissed a Boys," with various degrees of homophobic liberation. Thanks, Katy!

Continue reading "Too many str8 boys kissing, maybe" »

Posted by Marke B. at 04:43 PM | | | Comments (6)

By Juliette Tang

Attention all you narcissists, fetishists, and exhibitionists, Bombshell Betty's crew of pin-up photographers are coming to San Francisco this Sunday, March 15, and they want to take naughty photos of you in your unmentionables. If you bring your bod to Hotel Frank in Union Square on Sunday between 3 to 9pm, along with your cutest skivvies and your sassiest 'tude, you'll get some star treatment that includes a pin-up posing workshop, a hair and make-up session, and a photoshoot that will make you feel like a burlesque goddess like Bombshell Betty herself. Afterward, you get to keep the disc of more than 200 of your own pin-up portraits, which will make a great present for a significant other, and an even better present for yourself. If you can't make it this Sunday to the group session, you can schedule a private one here.

Along with being the birthplace of Bombshell Betty, San Francisco is also home to other talented pin-up photographers who can help you channel the spirits of Betty Page and Gypsy Rose Lee. Check out some more great local pin-up photography services, after the jump.

Continue reading "I see London, I see France ..." »

Posted by SFBG at 05:47 PM | | | Comments (1)

By Molly Freedenberg

Vau de Vire heats up Cosmic Love Ball this weekend.

It seemed perfect. When you and your partner met last summer, you agreed you both hate to celebrate Valentine's Day. But as the holiday approaches, you're starting to sense that one of you might not be as satisfied with a Saturday night of TV dinners and missionary sex - you know, the same old same old -- as previously suggested. If you want your morning BJ on Sunday, you realize, you're going to have to start planning and shopping. Fast.

That's where we come in. We've compiled a list of (even more) sexy events and creative gift ideas to get -- and keep -- your honey in the mood. And if you're single? Perhaps these ideas will help you meet someone you can lie to next year about hating the holidays.

EVENTS

Bawdy Storytelling JellyFish Gallery, 1286 Folsom. Feb. 11, 7-11pm, $5-$15. The series celebrates its second year with a "Coitus Interruptus" themed evening: tales of prurient cessation and carnal comebacks, featuring host Dixie De La Tour, Tim Barsky, Kirk Read, Cathy Goerz, Leo Petropolis, and more. Bring your own bottle.

Cosmic Love Ball 2: Silver & Skin CELLSPACE, 2050 Bryant. www.starsapphire.org.
Feb. 14, 9pm, $10-$15. Star Sapphire, in conjunction with Vau de Vire Society, presents this funky, festive event, featuring performances by Materialized, Vau de Vire dancers, and aerialists; live body painting; and beats by DJs from Green Gorilla, Space Cowboys, and more. Dress up!

Fuck Love, We Want Money The Uptown, 1928 Telegraph, Oakl. (510) 451-8100, www.uptownnightclub.com. Feb. 13, 9pm, $10. Black Widows Burlesque, San Francisco's original gothic strip revue, sexes it up (and maybe scares the shit out of you) bloody Valentine's style.

Lucky Love 13 Anon Gallery, 285 9th St. www.anonsalon.com. Feb. 13, 9pm, donations welcome. Join the folks responsible for Sea of Dreams (and a host of other kickass parties) for a red and black ball.

Continue reading "More V-Day events and ideas" »

Posted by SFBG at 06:48 PM | | | Comments (1)

By Breena Kerr

Send your personal Valentine's day horror story (300 words or less) to culture@sfbg.com by Wednesday, Feb 11. We'll print our favorite on the SEX SF blog, and its writer will win two tickets for a five-course meal and a show at Teatro Zinzanni.

Though it's tempting to write off Valentine's Day as a Hallmark holiday invented by Corporate America, the truth is that its origins extend back much further than American capitalism. In fact, it's thought the celebration we know today started with the Christian appropriation of Lupercalia, the mid-February pagan festival ancient Romans celebrated to honor the coming of spring.

Back then, ancient priests (Luperci) sacrificed a goat and a dog for fertility and purification. The goat's hide would then be sliced into strips and carried into the streets by boys who paraded around, dipping the lengths into bowls of sacrificial blood. Making their way across town, the young men slapped women and crop fields with the bloody strips, marking them with the promise of fertility for the coming year — and getting their girls horny in the process.

Thus the Valentine's Day connection between sex and carnage was born. In our modern times, however, the carnage is often less literal and more emotional: impossible expectations, botched dates, ridiculous gifts, and horrible sex. In honor of this day of Great Disappointments, we invite you to send in your Valentine's Day horror story.

I'll get us started with mine, courtesy of V-Day 2008:

Continue reading "Share your Valentine's nightmare -- and win" »

Posted by SFBG at 04:15 PM | | | Comments (0)

Hey there, horny toad. It's Marke B. from SFBG beckoning you hither into the Guardian's new SEX SF blog -- our local-focussed, sex-positive, Internetical adventure into the land of wanton lust (and education!). Feel the luxurious sheen of its fishnets on your eyeballs.

We felt there was a mighty big gap in the SF blogosphere, and wanted to fill it with something intelligent, playful, Bay-minded, omnisexual, curious, scandalous, irreverent, and respectful of the extreme diversity of the local sex scene. Oh, and lots of fun. This is our "soft launch," our birds and bees beta, our test-icle if you will. (Look, it's late and I'm short on comic material. Throw a hot tomato at me.) Join us each day as our sensual endeavor grows and grows -- but don't forget your safety gear, you little devil.

If you have any suggestions or tips, email here. Now, let's get it on, and pardon our excited glitches.

Photo of monthly wet jock contest at The Rod by Darwin Bell

Posted by Marke B. at 09:55 PM | | | Comments (0)