What we have here with Rush Limbaugh and staffers at the Weekly Standard is a coup de foudre, a thunderbolt of love that strikes without warning and cannot be denied.
By Jess Brownell
(Jess Brownell is our Voice of the Heartland, observing the political scene as a freelance writer from Milwaukee.)
According to news reports, staffers at the conservative Weekly Standard cheered when they learned that Rio de Janeiro rather than Chicago had been selected to host the 2016 Olympics. Rush Limbaugh pronounced himself “gleeful,” I’m told. Others in that camp were equally pleased at the result.
Why do these people hate America?
Understand that I ask the question in a plaintive tone. In the past they were the people who could always be depended upon to love America unconditionally, without reservations, with all their hearts and souls, forever and ever, amen. When others ventured to criticize some little American venture – Viet Nam, Iraq – they were the ones who told us to love our country or leave it. They carried around flags to wrap themselves in whenever they thought the occasion called for it and a camera was in the vicinity. They admired the men and women of our armed forces so much they might almost have become one of them had they not heard a higher call to punditry. Now, without warning, they have transferred their undying affection to Brazil. How could this happen?
That song about the Girl from Ipanema is hard to get out of your head once it starts playing in there, but that can’t be the reason. Surely if you sing the “Star Spangled Banner” aloud long enough the other song will go away. Do they admire President Luiz Inacio Lula de Silva so much that they are irresistibly drawn to Brazil? It seems improbable, given his politics. “Flying Down to Rio” turns up on the oldies channel now and then, but these are not usually your light-hearted Astaire- and Rogers-loving types.
But then, that’s the mystery and magic of love, isn’t it? What we have here is a genuine coup de foudre, a thunderbolt of love that strikes without warning and cannot be denied.
So, if the that’s the case, let’s see if we can make some money out of it. This recession is a bitch.
First, I suggest, we set up a string of PSL academies. That’s Portugese as a Second Language. We’ll put them in various well-heeled right-wing enclaves around the country. Once we get Rush and Bill Kristol and a couple of gasbags from Fox News signed up, the others will follow blindly. They always do.
Our next subject is a little touchy, as it involves the female side of the equation, but it needs to be addressed. The fact is that Brazilians are ass men and are unimpressed by big bazooms. Ladies, some of that silicon is going to have be moved around. Fortunately we have assembled a crack team of skillful and discreet plastic surgeons who know Brazil like the backs of their hands – can in fact put a map of Brazil on your backside if you want it. Act now, and you can be bikini-ready before the southern hemisphere summer is over.
Then there’s dancing and hats, which you can’t do without in Brazil. Our Tom Delay/ Carmen Miranda Schools of Terpsichore and Headgear, providentially located next to our PSL academies, will bring you up to speed in no time.
Finally, we have to talk about security. Chicago’s a tough town, no doubt about it, but it’s an English hamlet compared to Rio. Chicago reported 510 murders last year; in Rio there were over 5,000. Rio’s bigger, but not that much bigger. An additional 1,188 people were killed “resisting arrest.” (In the entire USA only 371 died that way.) Face it, our besotted conservatives are going to need protection. Which will be provided by our new company, Swampgas. It’s motto: We Hire the People Who Embarrass Blackwater.
Our services are expensive, but come on, those gangs down there have machine guns and rocket launchers. If you think Hannity and O’Reilly are cover enough, pay for your own funeral.
That should do it for starters. Before long this love affair will have us rolling in money.
Now if I could just get that song out of my head.