By Johnny Ray Huston

IN THE '70S , the praise of critics – and movie-culture experts like Rex Reed and Rona Barrett – sometimes accompanied print ads for movies. In the '80s, two Chicago-based newspaper critics named Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert had a PBS show called Sneak Previews that endorsed some films and panned others. Then came the blurb bonanza of the '90s: Siskel (and his thumb) and Ebert (and his thumb) left public television for commercial syndication, and soon everyone and their mother began to market quickie-hyperbole about the latest multiplex treats. Today, in the year 2000, Robert Ellsworth of Flaunt magazine observes that Eye of the Beholder contains "Ashley Judd's best work to date." When Siskel passed away recently, it truly seemed like the end of an era – and time to pay homage to a true influence on modern criticism.

My idea: an informal chat, spoken and transcribed, about recent recordings – a Siskel-and-Ebert on sound, if you will. I chose as my partner Dr. Vaginal Davis. Though the self-described "legendary ebola flesh eating temptress" and "sick ticket" Ms. Davis should need no introduction, her bio (www.vaginaldavis.com/biography.html) provides the basic info.

At the moment, the multi-employed Ms. Davis is considering a "part-timey" position at Art Center School of Design, "teaching dis-identitive arts, doing some art stalking." She currently cohosts a monthly club in Los Angeles called G.I.M.P. un-ltd.; it features experimental music, performance art, and body perms. "We need some tired liquor companies to throw down some coin," she says. "Right now we're very 22 cents." Potential paramours should be informed that Ms. Davis, though available, is having a casual fling with a teenage Scandinavian boytoy: "He's a little young for me – I can't expect him to be my life partner. But there's nothing like radiant youth."

The glamorous, important, insightful, critical consumer's guide conversation you are about to read took place early on a weekday morning. "A black woman's gotta be ahead of everyone," said Ms. Davis, who had been up since 5 a.m. "That's our job." Companies are free to use any of the insights below – for a fee. And instead of thumbs up or down, every recording discussed receives the same consumer assessment: thumbs akimbo.

Missy Misdemeanor Elliott

'Hot Boyz' (Elektra)

Vaginal Davis: Oh my god, it's a little picaflora anthem. Missy has become what Bernadette Cooper always wanted to be. Bernadette was the mastermind behind Klymaxx, and then she tried to put together a girl group, Madame X. She found 3 beautiful girls, and turned them into this group. Bernadette wrote all the songs based on the personalities of the girls, what they would talk about. Iris of Madame X wore Cherries in the Snow lipstick from Revlon, and she wanted an operatic song to sing, so Bernadette wrote "Cherries in the Snow" for her.

JRH: That's what Missy Elliott does on Da Real World, she writes songs based on the girls around her. I wrote an article about her for a magazine recently, and that's exactly how she described her songwriting process.

Le Tigre

'Hot Topic' (Mr. Lady) and 'What's Yr Take on Cassavetes' (Mr. Lady)

JRH: "Hot Topic" sounds like music to go-go dance to on a '60s game show.

VD: I love Kathleen [Hanna]'s personas. And teaming up with Miss Sadie [Benning] is great. Is Sadie still with [filmmaker] Elisabeth Subrin? They're probably still together, because dykes, they never break up, they just stay with each other and have drama.

JRH: What's your take on Cassavetes?

VD: Cassavetes – of course he's a misogynist, that's why Gena Rowlands liked him. That and his large peterfication.

JRH: "Hot Topic" mentions you by name. What did you think of that?

VD: So sweet. I don't like lists, but that's one list I do like. All the hottest people are on that hot list.

The Prima Donnas

'Stoned like a White Balloon' (demo) and 'Nance Music Manifesto' (demo)

VD: This reminds me of Steve Strange of Visage, with a bit of Blancmange and a bit of Japan thrown in for good measure. Two of the boys in this group have really beautiful lips. And the other one is an utter, utter babe.

JRH: The Prima Donnas are my favorite group in the world right now.

Rufus Wainwright

'April Fool's' (Dreamworks)

VD: Miss Rufus. "April Fool's" is not the song I like most on [his] album, the song I like most is "Beauty Mark." And "Matinee Idol" – I'm a 1920s person. I worry about Rufus because he's a Canadian and Canadians are crazy.

JRH: Is Rufus currently in L.A.?

VD: Yeah, he was at the last G.I.M.P. Los Angeles is a bad place for someone like him to be in. Rufus loves excess. I love him to death, but he's so grand. On the surface, L.A. seems wonderful, but honey this is a hard knock town.

JRH: Which brings us to ...

Jay-Z

'Hard Knock Life' (Universal/Def Jam)

VD: The way this song uses Annie is brilliantina.

JRH: I agree.

VD: I was a show-tune queen before I got into punk rock. Tin Pan Alley – that was my period. When I DJ, I mix the Jungle Brothers with Mark Lester singing "Where Is Love" from the movie version of Oliver.

The Magnetic Fields

'Papa Was a Rodeo' (Merge)

VD: Stephin Merritt, he's the Ganymede Leonard Cohen. He's pure geniustrata.

JRH: This song has a sadness, but the lyric is also hilarious.

VD: And that voice!

JRH: Yes, he makes Leonard Cohen sound falsetto.

Eve

'Love Is Blind' (Ruff Ryders/Interscope)

JRH: A friend of mine told me Eve performed this song – about killing a man who abused and murdered her best girlfriend – at the Billboard Awards. I guess the tone of Eve's performance was a bit different from Britney Spears's.

VD: I like the voice of Macy Gray better. There's a little bit of Sister Souljah in Eve. Whatever happened to Sister Souljah?

JRH: She wrote a novel that was published last year. There's a character in it named Sister Souljah.

VD: She wasn't the greatest rapper.

JRH: She gave speeches.

VD: She was a sloganeer. I used one of her songs in my one-woman show Intimacy and Tomorrow, when I did my salute to black revolutionaries.

JRH: Which song?

VD: Oh god, my Alzheimer's just kicked in. I can't remember, but I used it when I did the show in Germany. The Germans love anything that has a rappish beat. They're so cornpone.

JRH: I love the idea of introducing Sister Souljah to Germans.

VD: Eve should go in the direction of bringing back freestyle – like Shannon's "Let the Music Play." She has the voice for it.

Cat Power

'Wild Is the Wind' (Matador)

JRH: This is from an upcoming album of cover versions.

VD: Chan Marshall's voice is better than k.d. lang's. It's a little bit like Gloria DeHaven – she was a MGM star, she always played the sister of Judy Garland or June Allyson. A few years ago Cat Power played at a Fluxus event I hosted in New York for Beck and Al Hansen's Playing with Matches. That's the infamous event where I indulged in some kissy-poo with Gwyneth Paltrow – people were shocked. Yoko Ono did a Fluxus performance, and Beck performed with his mother and his brother, doing a salute to his grandfather. Marianne Faithfull was amazing. And what's-his-name – queeny Thurston Moore.

Dolly Parton

'The Grass Is Blue' (Sugar Hill)

JRH: This is a real change in direction for Dolly. A year or two ago she was doing New York Special K dance tracks.

VD: I'm so glad she's gone back to the bluegrass, back to the basics, because she is a talent. Dolly: simple, plaintive, forlorn. Dolly, don't ever go away.

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