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Almost completely
By Duncan Scott
Davidson
I STARTED 2003
the lowest I've ever been in my life. I couldn't stop thinking of
her. I luxuriated in the darkness of my bedroom like a hapless attendant
buried alive in the tomb of the pharaoh and listened to the bleakest
music I could find. Nothing particularly new – whatever was
in the rack that would fit the carved-out, hollow feeling I couldn't
seem to shake. I rediscovered the sullen drone of Chokebore. Their
Anything Near Water and Black Black albums were in
heavy rotation. Lyrics like "And you must think that there's
no one else as alone as you are / And you must know for once in
your life you're right" were a hand to hold as I wallowed.
Control, by Pedro the Lion, a truly desolate, heart-wringing
album, lodged itself in the CD player like a lump in a throat. I
contemplated caliber selection to lyrics like "Lately I have
been wondering why / We go through so much trouble / To postpone
the unavoidable / And prolong the pain of being alive." Love
and Distortion, by the Stratford 4, made heartbreak strangely
joyous.
I made myself a mix CD
and wrote, "to commemorate the end of the era of falling in
love with young and heedless girls," on the insert. Tijuana
Crime Scene opened it up with "Bad Idea," something I
knew all along. The fittingly named Black Heart Procession assured
me we'd "never meet again. Not in this broken world."
The White Stripes sang "Fell in Love with a Girl," which
so completely fit the situation, it was eerie – with its tale
of kissing a girl by the riverside, a girl who's boyfriend "don't
consider it cheating." (Yet.) Luna asked, "How will I
know what I think until I see what I say?" and Guided by Voices
advised, "Just drive away." Jeff Tweedy sang, "My
heart, it was a gun. It's unloaded now, so don't bother," from
back in his Uncle Tupelo days. Country helped quite a bit. Paula
Frazer sang "Gone" just for me; Willie Nelson sang "Someday
You'll Want Me to Want You" for her. Hank Williams mournfully
yodeled, "You thought she cared for you and so you acted smart
/ Go on and break you crazy heart." Lonesome Bob let me know
he'd been there, too: "Sometimes I find myself just wishin'
for things that cannot be. And if I think about it long enough,
the wish becomes a possibility."
Listening to it now,
as I write this, the CD sounds strangely hopeful. Joey Ramone sings
a rocking version of "What a Wonderful World" off some
comp CD the ex brought back from France. Toward the end, the Velvets'
"I Found a Reason" comes on: "What comes is better
than what came before." I'm forced to believe this right along
with Lou, and for the first time in my life, I think I'm looking
forward to the New Year as a symbolic changing of the guard instead
of just another meaningless holiday for amateurs to get puking drunk.
Firewater's "Psychopharmacology" has been my favorite
tune of late: "Psychopharmacology is gonna be your friend /
When you can't get out of bed and you're so tired of pretending."
Sure, it's a completely sardonic take on finding happiness in a
pill bottle, but with a Lexapro scrip in the medicine chest, it
also seems hopeful. I finally found the nuts to tell the ex to stop
flitting in and out of my life like a butterfly with ADD, and I'm
bloodied but not broken as I find myself dating again – still
– at the wizened old age of 32, one year younger than Christ
was when he was crucified. There's always something to look forward
to.
The amazingly hard-to-decide-on
top 10 of 2003
• Stratford 4,
Love and Distortion (Jetset). "Tiger girl, I'll tell
you why life is always sad: All the things you think you love will
only drive you mad."
• Fleshies,
The Sicilian (Alternative Tentacles). Ask John about his vasectomy.
• Ludicra, Nigel
Pepper Cock, High Tone Son of a Bitch at the Eagle Tavern, March
6. The screams of Laurie and Christy are better than black coffee
on a cold night.
• 400 Blows,
Black Rainbow (Rehash). Alienation doesn't get any louder than
this.
• Pedro the Lion
and the Stratford 4, Great American Music Hall, May 21. "What's
wrong with second best?"
• Firewater, Bottom
of the Hill, Nov. 13. Somewhat bombastic since they're touring with
the horn section of Gogol Bordello, but sublime nonetheless.
• Superchunk,
"Detroit Has a Skyline," acoustic version, on Cup of
Sand (Merge). "I had a crush, nothing works out."
• Death Cab for
Cutie, "Tiny Vessels," on Transatlanticism (Barsuk).
"But it was vile and it was cheap / And you are beautiful,
but you don't mean a thing to me."
• Angels of Light,
Bottom of the Hill, April 11. Michael Gira spieled about how his
early Swans career was like walking down the street, naked, with
a daisy stuck up his ass.
• Slayer, "Blood
Red," on Seasons in the Abyss on Billy Steel's show
on 107.7 while driving a Yellow Cab one rainy Friday night. When
I turned to the Bone just in time for Slayer, I knew it'd be a good
night.
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last month's noise.
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