Hootie and the Blowfish are NOT playing tomorrow night at the Bottom of the Hill

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By Robert Bergin

A tiny, weasel-ish looking man sits at his computer, typing furiously, snickering occasionally.

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Experimental Dental School on Europe tour 2006, Lille, France. Photo by Fred (photorock.com)

“At last!” he cries, his nasally yelp going unnoticed by his cat, who remains focused on lapping up milk left over from that morning’s bowl of cereal. “I’ve finished my list of the top 25 most ridiculous band names in rock history, and I didn’t include those jerks in Experimental Dental School, Okmoniks, or Gravy Train!!!! Now no one will ever know that Okmoniks sounds like a more tuneful Boyracer with a female lead vocalist! Now no one will ever have their blood boiled by Experimental Dental School's ghoulish, organ-driven devil music! And no one will ever listen to Gravy Train!!!!’s album when it comes out on July 10!”

A gray square on his computer screen asks the man whether he’s sure he wants to submit his list. A white arrow moves toward the “yes” box. Click. Blackout.

Cut to members of Gravy Train!!!!, Experimental Dental School, and Okmoniks playing five on five at the Mack. Chunx browses the Web at a desktop computer nearby. “Egads!!!!” Her scream brings the basketball game to a halt. “None of us made the list!!!!” Silence.

“There’s only one thing to do,” Shoko says quietly. She rips the basketball in half. “Let’s rock!”

Cut to montage of members of EDS and Okmoniks building instruments. Gravy Train!!!! sews on the other side of the room. The montage -- set to some DragonForce song -- is interrupted when Helene from Okmoniks leans against a half-finished church organ and says, “Y’know, our name isn’t really that weird. It’s different, yeah, but it’s not especially crazy or anything. Right?”

Blank stares.

She awkwardly gets back to work.

Restart montage that ends with a triumphant show Saturday, July 7, at the Bottom of the Hill. The crowd is manic, and at one point a man in a suit and sunglasses yells “Boss, I just found the Next Big Thing! Thrice!”

Cut to the cat curled up under the merch table. Blackout. Credits.

Gravy Train!!!!, the Okmoniks, and Experimental Dental School make imaginary movie history on July 7, 10 p.m., at Bottom of the Hill, 1233 17th St., SF. $10. (415) 621-4455.