Jackie Beat: "Hung Puerto Rican elves only"

I only have eyes for you, deer.
Photo by Austin Young

Generously talented and fantastically energetic (we're talking 8-bit chipmunk here) LA drag entertainer Jackie Beat is in town with her new show "Jackie Beat's All-You-Can-Eat Christmas," Fri/10 and Sat/11 and Brava Theater. It sounds like a real festive hoot. The long-time cabaret circuit favorite, underground club hostess, and member of scandalous electro-revival band Dirty Sanchez pulled out her giant fork and dug into a little interview with us about ambrosia salad, abortion, AM schlock .. and that's just the beginning. Go pay some money to see her!

SFBG: OK I'm dying over the concept for All-You-Can-Eat Christmas -- it's so refreshing to hear a drag queen talk about eating! What are some of your favorite foods? And do you do a lot of cooking?

Jackie Beat: Well, I was referring more to huge portions of talent, but I do love to eat! The ironic thing is that I have actually lost 100 pounds since my last holiday show, so people may think the title is actually "All-You-Can-Eat (And Then Throw Up!) Christmas," but I promise it's not! I still love to eat, I just eat less. My favorite holiday food has to be good old-fashioned Ambrosia Salad.  It's a big mess of pineapple chunks, pecans, shredded coconut, mandarin orange segments in heavy syrup, mini marshmallow, sour cream and Cool Whip. You can eat a huge bowl of it and then honestly tell people, "All I had was salad!"

SFBG: I love that you sing live -- what kind of music is part of the new show?

JB: Most of the new material is in my amazing new outfit -- yards and yards of it! Seriously, it gets harder every year to come up with new stuff. I have done thousands of song parodies, including every holiday song ever written! This year, I am doing a Country Christmas Medley, a great medley of horrible old AM radio classics -- the type of crap you hear at wedding receptions -- but sung with the original lyrics that were too shocking at the time. You know, so all these sweet nostalgic old songs are now about fisting and abortion. Good times! I am also doing a new song about getting a full-cavity search at the TSA and there are plenty of classics like "Santa's Baby" and "Do Some Blow!"

SFBG: Who's your favorite Santa's reindeer?

JB: Grumpy? Oh wait, that was one of the Seven Dwarves, right? Um, Jan? No, she was in The Brady Bunch, sorry. Um, Rudolph of course! Because he's the fucking star -- like me!

SFBG:  If you had an elf of your own, what would you make him or her do for you?

JB: First he would be Puerto Rican and hung like a horse.  And I think you can figure out the rest!  Oh, and after THAT -- he would clean the fucking house!

SFBG: Can you tell me a bit about how the show came about?

JB: Um, I had bills to pay and I don't know how to do anything else, so...

SFBG: I bet you've been pretty busy in general -- what have you been doing lately? Any Dirty Sanchez news? You guys just performed here, yes?

JB: We did Folsom Street Fair last year, but we are all so busy with our own lives that we seldom perform together these days.  Hopefully we will be working on some new music soon!

SFBG: You're in San Francisco pretty regularly -- what are some of your favorite things about the city?

JB: The PAYING customers, of course!  Times are tough and like I said, I don't know how to do anything else.

SFBG: Unfortunately Christmas can't last forever -- what's next for Jackie Beat?

JB: Quite possibly dropping dead right after this grueling, brutal holiday tour -- so come see me now while I am still alive, bitches!


Fri/10 and Sat/11, 10:30 p.m., $20–$40. Brava Theater, 2781 24th St., SF. www.brownpapertickets.com

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