Worst American Idol ever

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Yo Dawg -- more singing, less weeping please

Ok, American Idol. I sat through four hours this week. And yeah, Randy is Randy and Steven Tyler is a rock god and J-Lo is so pretty it makes my teeth hurt, but:

I miss Simon. Because everytime somebody really mangled a song, he'd remind them that "this is a singing contest."

That's right: This is a show about singing. But not this year. This year it's all Total Drama Island. The Pathos! The J-Lo weepfests! The tragedy, the crying, the terrible stories of people's lives and awful interactions between mean and unpleasant contestants who kick the weak ones out of their groups! Oh, the reality of it all!

An entire episode was devoted to watching anxiety-wracked contestants walk down a surreal flying-saucer-style walkway onto a stage where the judges would try to make them think they were going home, only to let slip at the last moment that they get to come back for another round. Or maybe not. Tears of joy. Thrown chairs. A woman trying to dry hump Ryan Seacrest. And it never ends.

Note to the producers: This is not Survivor: San Andreas Fault. We want to hear the contestants perform. We'll take the good and the bad, but please: No more of the ugly.