American Idol: Hell's Kitchen edition

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Sorry, Jacob -- best bow tie in the biz but it wasn't enough

It's Gimmicks R Us Idol, and in between the Ford videos, another Fox production, Hell's Kitchen, got its own special promo. Chef Ramsay (who is way more of an asshole than Simon was and his shows really suck, too) forced the Idol contestants to make omlettes. The results all looked awful and he made fun of them. Then they had to blind-taste-test tofu, and Jacob had to spit it out because he thought it was gross. At least the last part was funny.

I've already heard J-Lo sing "On The Floor," and with all the hunkorama male dancers it was interesting enough, but not anything profound or dramatic. The constestants were more entertaining singing The Turtles' "So Happy Together." (THIS JUST IN: The "live" J-Lo performance was a fake, and there's a disappearing ass brace to prove it. Is nothing sacred anymore?)

And then, Oh The Drama! James has to go to one side of the stage, Lauren has to go to the other, then Haley joins James and Jacob joins Lauren and we all know what's going to happen. Jacob's clearly done. But we have to wait a full 30 minutes to figure that out -- and finally, Scotty, alone on the couch, gets called up, told he's safe and asked to go join the group that he thinks is moving forward. A horrible, awkward moment; what moron thought THAT up? Scotty, of course, won't go, so Ryan Fucking Seacrest has to push him over next to James and Haley before he drops the bomb on poor Jacob while Lauren bursts into tears.

I guess this shit drives ratings. It drove me to the liquor cabinet.

Too bad about Jacob; although I was never a big fan, he was a good kid and did his best. But for once, America made the right choice.

Next week Lauren goes home, then Haley, and it's a Scotty/James final, as it should be. Unless Haley pulls off another amazing night and beats out Scotty. They're  both too cute for words, but I don't see it. It's the two boys at the end.

Place your bets. I'm finally starting to get this right.